Category Archives: unschooling

September 3, 2013 · 10:02 AM

Not Back To School, 2013

I woke up this morning to a newsfeed filled with happy, fresh-faced, smiling Back to School pictures from my friends. Since we live as if school didn’t exist, there’s no “back to” around here. And while we DO do fresh-faced and smiling… that’s not the way we generally roll at 7 in the morning. 🙂

Here then are our “Not back to school” pictures, in all their sleepy glory. Another year of blissfully and purposely opting out.

I love her sleepwear choices… a princess nightgown one night, followed by a Spiderman costume, and leggings and a sweater the next

Resting up for another day of adventures

The newly annointed teenager

And saving us from too much redundancy is Spencer, who’d come into my room to say good morning. He recently decided he wanted to start getting up early, so a few days ago he adjusted his sleep schedule (which handily answers the question, “What happens when they get a job and have to get up at a certain time??”)

Today’s the day after Labor Day, which really doesn’t mean a whole lot to us. It’s also a Tuesday, which means – like any other Tuesday – we’ll be hanging out at home in the morning, and then taking the youngest two to gymnastics in the afternoon. Before we do that though, I want to do fingernails with the girl, and I just read about a cool science experiment that I think Everett will love.

But first, another cup of coffee.

Happy Back to School, or NOT Back to School, whatever it may mean for you.

7 Comments

Filed under unschooling

August 19, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Asked and Answered

I recently put out a call for questions. Questions about unschooling, parenting, me, my blog, whatever you’d like … and you guys rose to the occasion! Here’s the first batch of questions and answers, and the first of what I hope will become a regular feature on my blog. If you have questions, send em, and I’ll answer them in an upcoming post. 🙂

I would love to hear some thoughts on how far to push little kids to do things? I know it would be age dependent, but I’m thinking ages 1-5 especially. Eg if a child is shy or scared or anti-social or clingy or negative about doing something where’s the line with making them do it, or respecting their feelings. Sometimes in life it’s good to do things we don’t want to. How do we help kids understand that?

I think this is one of those times that really knowing your kids is key. I personally wouldn’t push my kids into doing something they didn’t want do… but there is a world of difference between forcing something that’s unwanted, and gently encouraging when you know it’s something that they do want, but are hesitant because they are nervous, unsure, etc. Last summer, my daughter (four years old at the time) took her first-ever swimming class. She was very excited about the class, and about learning to swim. The morning of the first class however, she was super nervous, to the point of asking if she could skip it. I know my daughter, and I was 99% sure that once she got in the class she would really enjoy it. I was also 99% sure that if she didn’t do the class that she would regret it, especially when she watched her big brother having fun in the pool in his own class. So I was honest with her and told her, “I know you’re nervous, but I think you’re really go to love it. And you can do it! I bet they’re going to make it super fun for you, and I’ll be right there watching the whole time. Why don’t you give it a try this one time, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back.” I wasn’t bluffing either: I would have had no problem pulling her out, and letting her learn in another way. She agreed to try it, and to make a long story short, she LOVED the class, and has since become a fish in the water.

Yes, sometimes we need to do things we don’t want to do, but life provides plenty of those opportunities all on its own. I don’t think it’s my job as a mother to actually provide the things they don’t want to do, but to help them feel safe, comfortable, and confident when they do arise. Going to the dentist for instance isn’t super high on any of my kids’ “Things I love to do” lists, but sometimes it’s necessary. So we searched until we found a wonderfully kind, patient, and respectful pediatric dentist, and no one has any issues seeing her when the time comes.

I don’t have a school age child yet, but am very interested in unschooling. I have been wondering if you felt you did anything differently with your children before they were school age. I’m reading a lot about the RIE philosophy and some of it seems to be in line with the basic idea of trust that seems inherent in unschooling to me. Thank you!

I learned something new when I got this question, so thanks! 🙂 I hadn’t heard of RIE, so I Googled a little bit. (This article had a nice breakdown of its main tenets.) I connect with a lot – not all – of the principles of RIE. I think that the ideas of trust, respect, choices, and personal autonomy are so important to both unschooling and gentle parenting. As for whether or not I did anything different when the kids were young… only to the extent that our relationships/activities/conversations grew and evolved as the kids got older. For me, unschooling was just a natural extension of attachment parenting, and it was all so organic that I never really had a feeling of, “Okay, we’re going to start unschooling now.” We already were… they just weren’t officially school age yet. I do strongly feel (and many others feel this way as well) that unschooling can’t be truly understood and implemented until the parenting component is understood. Once you “get” gentle parenting, unschooling just makes sense… and it’s a much more seamless transition than if you try to do it the other way around.

What advice would you give an unschooling mom whose 5 yr old is begging to start kindergarten?

Ask lots of questions! What is it that they’re wanting from school that they don’t think they’ll get/are getting from home? Is it more time on crafts? Riding a school bus? Being around other kids? Recess? It could be something really simple, especially at five years old. Most of my kids have at one time or another asked about school. After a conversation, careful listening, and honest sharing, I learned that it wasn’t school they were after, but something else. Something that I could remedy through more playdates, more field trips, more one on one time, etc. If that were ever not the case, and they truly wanted to go to school, I’d like to think that I would be 100% supportive and let them try it. I can’t say with complete certainty though, because I’ve never been there (and if I’ve learned nothing else as a parent, it’s to never say “never”)

(on being a Christian who does not regularly go to church) I’m wondering how you keep the faith? How do you keep your relationship with God fresh and alive? Have you found a community, a “body of Christ”?

I love this question. I have been thinking for a long time about writing a permanent page for my blog about my faith, and about where that journey has taken me. I will say first that my faith has always been super personal to me. Not personal in an I-don’t-want-to-talk-about it kind of way (I love talking about it), but personal in that I’ve never really felt like I needed a strictly “Christian” environment in order to nurture my relationship with God. In fact: I grew up going to church, went to a Christian summer camp, went to a Christian college… and those were all things that I had to heal from in many ways as an adult. I felt like my faith was so much stronger, and finally my OWN, after I left those environments. We do have a church “home” now, although it’s been many months since we’ve gone with regularity. We love the church though, and it was the first one that we ever actually chose to place membership with since we’ve been married. When we feel like it’s something we’re needing, we go, but on a day-to-day basis, I don’t know… I feel like it’s just me and God, and that relationship is no different than any other in that it stays alive with attention, with intention, and with spending time together (and you don’t have to be in a special building to do that :))

One thing that’s been hugely instrumental to me in the past several years has been finding like-minded fellow “outside the box” Christians, most of whom I only know online. While I don’t feel like I technically need the support of others to hold up my own faith, it’s incredibly helpful just to know that they’re out there: other people like me who fiercely love Jesus, but pretty steadfastly reject most of what conventional “religion” has to offer… Everyone from big authors/bloggers like John Shore, to dear personal friends that I’ve made through various online FB groups and forums…they’re a very appreciated breath of fresh air (and sometimes just straight-up oxygen), especially on those days when I’m feeling alone.

So our kid is 3 and we are starting to get questions about Kindergarten. I am scared to death to tell some people what we are planning!!! It does not help that I work FT and my husband stays at home with our son, which already gets enough looks as it is because it is so different. I am just scared in a year or two we’ll get people calling CPS on us or something. Some of our family is very academically minded and I am just afraid they will think we are setting our son up for failure or something. I’m just not good at confrontation. I know all the answers ‘in my heart’ but I know when accosted about it… I just don’t know quite how to deal with it. How do you deal with that type of thing, esp when you first kid ‘missed the bus’ (haha) for the first time.

I completely know how you’re feeling! I was there myself several years ago. I was fairly lucky in that even though many of the people in my immediate family were not particularly supportive of unschooling, they kept pretty quiet about it (save for a passive aggressive comment here and there). One of the most helpful pieces of advice I ever read on the subject was something called the “bean dip” approach, a completely non-confrontational way to deal with naysayers. I wish I knew where I read it, and who said it, so I could give credit, but all I remember is that I read it on some unschooling forums many years ago. It goes like this:

Family member: (Negative/derogatory/judging comment)

Response: “Oh, he’s doing great! Can you please pass the bean dip?”

“This is working really well for our family right now. Can you please pass the bean dip?”

“That’s an interesting perspective. Can you please pass the bean dip?”

Politely changing the subject can work wonders. Honestly though, the biggest solution to this problem is just time. Two really big things happen over time:

1. Your kids learn and grow and mature in ways that can’t help but be seen, even by those outside your family. They’ll see how much they’re learning, and they’ll have tangible “proof” of unschooling’s success. And

2. You’ll gain confidence in your kids, and confidence in the process. It won’t be so scary when others disagree, because you’ll trust unschooling, you’ll trust your children, and you’ll trust their learning process. In the meantime, focus on your own little family, and be ready to pass the bean dip. 🙂

I read that you almost went to the Rethinking Everything conference and I’d be interested to read a post/answer on conferences you’ve went to in the past and how you think they benefited you and your kids.

I really love unschooling conferences. I find them sort of terrifying, just because… well, introverts and large crowds… but I love them too. We’ve only been to a handful so far, but definitely plan to attend more in the future. We’ve gone to three of the big conferences (two in San Diego, and one in Alburquerque), and a few smaller ones. Conferences are really cool for lots of reasons, but if I were pressed to name only a few, they would be:

1. New information. You can’t go to an unschooling conference and not learn something new. You can’t. I don’t care who you are, or how long you’ve been unschooling. We’ve all learned so, so much from the conferences we’ve gone to… both from the official scheduled “talks”, and incidental interactions we had along the way.

2. New friends. Some of my nearest and dearest friends are people I met at conferences. The 12 year old is playing an online game with a conference friend as I write. And there’s something big to be said just for being around other people who “get it”, even if it’s only for a weekend. Which brings me to:

3. New inspiration. In case you didn’t get this from reading other posts on my blog, I am hugely passionate about unschooling. But while my normal mode of sharing may be quietly standing on a street corner (or typing in my pajamas that I’ve been wearing for two days, sitting on my couch as it were) saying, “Yay! Unschooling!”, immediately following a conference it’s more like standing on the rooftops shouting,

“WOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! UNSCHOOLING!!!!!!!”

They just get you pumped up, and fired up, and EXCITED about unschooling.

All of that to say, if you ever get the opportunity (and you should make the opportunity) go! You will love it.

Sounds silly but what pets do you guys have now? I miss your funny animal posts!

My husband and I disagree on exactly two things: politics and pets. If it were solely up to me, we would have to build a second house to hold all the cats/dogs/rabbits/rats/reptiles we’d acquire because I so love animals, and can never resist a rescue-able furry (or scaly) face when I see one. If it were up to Mike, we would have zero pets. Ever. Rescued from anywhere. So we compromise. Right now, we have just a few pets – although the kids and I are holding out hope for a turtle in the near future.

There’s Sophie, who with the exception of jumping, and sometimes peeing, when she gets too excited, is the world’s most perfect dog.

Then there’s Linny and Ming-Ming, the two mice I picked up with the kids one day when Mike was at work:

And finally, our ball python Waldo, who is sweet and funny, and loves to hang upside-down from his branch:

And that’s it! We have about 1900 square feet of house here. Clearly there’s room for so very many more….

Thanks to everyone who have sent questions so far! That was fun.

4 Comments

Filed under about me, faith, parenting, pets, Q and A, unschooling

July 29, 2013 · 4:19 PM

A Blip in the Unschooling World

We were supposed to go to an unschooling conference next month. We’d bought our tickets and booked our hotel. We made arrangements for pet sitters. The kids were looking forward to meeting friends. Then, a few weeks ago, some murmurs about things such as dishonesty that had previously just been manifested as… waves, I guess you’d say… got further brought into the light and became a full-fledged tsunami. We didn’t know what it was all going to mean for the conference, but we knew that 1) it wasn’t something that was just going to go away, and 2) it wasn’t something we wanted to be a part of. So we ultimately decided not to go, and as per an announcement on the conference’s FB page, emailed to ask for a refund. I’m not sure we’ll get the refund, but as the weeks have gone by, I’ve become more and more convinced we did the right thing by pulling out when we did, regardless (especially since numerous speakers are now pulling out as well.)

I wasn’t going to say anything – publicly – about any of this, but as I said, it’s not going away. I don’t like that people have been hurt. I don’t like that other people are making sweeping generalizations about unschooling now. I don’t like that families who have been peacefully, quietly, and happily unschooling for years are being scrutinized with fresh and critical eyes. I don’t like that people who are new to the idea of unschooling are now freaking out and running in the opposite direction.

Because of those concerns, I finally posted this on my FB page:

Okay, my one and only tiny little comment on what’s going on in the unschooling world right now: Trust your own instincts. Trust your kids. Love your kids. Keep doing what you’re doing, and let everything else fall into place.

And then I got a comment (from someone who I think misunderstood my intention a little bit) that made me realize there is a larger conversation to be had. It said, in part:

I do think there are people out there that are desperately in need of guidance or assistance (maybe pertaining to unschooling, maybe life in general). It is quite appropriate for them to seek assistance. When someone offers paid services to guide and counsel, it is reasonable to expect that person to conduct themselves professionally. In these cases I don’t think it is okay to imply these folks shouldn’t need help in the first place and/or are wrong for seeking help.

There’s a lot to unpack from that comment, so I’m going to respond to each point one by one.

“I do think there are people out there that are desperately in need of guidance or assistance (maybe pertaining to unschooling, maybe life in general). It is quite appropriate for them to seek assistance“

I agree! If you recognize that you are in need of help in some way, whether it’s with unschooling or parenting or anything in between, seeking out said help is not only the appropriate thing to do, but the intelligent thing to do. When I was new to the idea of unschooling, I read, read, and read some more. Information is good.

“When someone offers paid services to guide and counsel, it is reasonable to expect that person to conduct themselves professionally.“

Absolutely. I think this is important, because it is one of the key reasons that I believe this entire issue can and should continue to be discussed. When someone puts themselves in the public eye as an expert, and sells services based on said expertise, the person who is handing over his or money should be able to assume and expect a certain level of integrity and professionalism. They should be able to reasonably expect that the person they are hiring will be authentic, honest, and upfront about who they are and what it is that they’re selling. When that doesn’t happen, it’s also entirely reasonable to expect that the person who has received the bad service will (rightfully) want to let others know.

“In these cases I don’t think it is okay to imply these folks shouldn’t need help in the first place and/or are wrong for seeking help.”

I’m not sure how I implied that, but it is almost the exact opposite of my intention. There is nothing wrong with wanting or seeking help. If anything, my words were aimed at those people who were feeling badly, feeling like they’d gotten “duped” (for lack of a better word), or feeling like it was their fault for trusting the wrong person. Seeking help and gathering information are both signs of strength, not weakness. It is NOT the fault of the victim! I want to empower people who are feeling lost and/or freaked out by all of this to know that they will be okay. That because they knew to ask for help that they have their family’s best interests at heart, and that they should continue to trust that, trust themselves, and trust their children. As parents, we are the only ones who ultimately make the decisions to put anything we may learn into practice with our family. We are the only ones who can choose to parent with more gentleness, kindness, and respect.

My family has been unschooling for awhile now. Some people think that since there is no distinguishing from learning and living that unschooling starts at birth… but I tend to agree more with those who say that unschooling can’t technically start until you have a child who is of compulsory school age, and you actually have something to opt out of. In either case, we’ve been unschooling for a decade or more. And during that entire time, there have been plenty of unschooling voices giving information, tips, and advice (for free) to anyone who wants or needs it… information that was helpful and relevant both before and after this recent storm:

Sandra Dodd’s site is gigantic, more than you could ever read, and includes her own writings as well as writings by many many others.

Joyfully Rejoycing, by Joyce Fetterol, is also a huge and wonderful site, filled with information about unschooling and parenting.

Pam Laricchia has put together an entire email series for those new to unschooling.

There are yahoo groups for unschooling (try Unschooling Basics or Always Learning), and many groups and pages on Facebook (Sandra’s group is Radical Unschooling Info, and/or if you’re a Christian try Christian Radical Unschoolers), several of which have been running for years and years.

Before someone looks at the recent goings-on and deduces, “Oh, unschooling is bad news” – which is something I’ve been pained to see happening more and more – I think it’s important to remember that regardless of what you might see or hear or read about happening, that lots of people have always quietly unschooled, and that lots of people will continue to quietly unschool… and that their kids and families are healthy and happy and learning and strong.

Are there “bad apples” as there are in any group of people? People who give bad advice or have bad motives or who represent unschoolers poorly? Even people who just plain shouldn’t be unschooling? Of course! I love going to unschooling conferences… I love meeting new people, and being inspired by great examples of kind, respectful parenting. But I’ll be honest. Yes, there are some people there who mistake unschooling to mean letting your kids do whatever the hell they want, whether it’s appropriate or respectful or damaging or not. This scares me a little, because that’s not unschooling. But I refuse to be deterred from something that I SEE with my own eyes working (and working well) in my own family. I refuse to be deterred by the actions of the misguided few.

When all of this finally blows over, I (along with lots of others) will still be here, still doing our thing. No matter what happens, unschooling remains a real, valid, healthy choice for so many many families, and it’s not going anywhere.

8 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized, unschooling

July 15, 2013 · 10:12 AM

the kids, the housework, and me.

It’s a series of questions I hear a lot. A lot a lot:

Do you really not require them to do chores? Do they still help around the house? How do you get them to help?

Yes, I really don’t require them to do any particular chores. Yes, they all still help around the house. As for the last question: It’s the wrong question. It’s not about getting someone else to do what you want them to do. If something isn’t working, it’s about changing what you can change about you, and letting the rest fall as it falls. But I’ll get back to that later.

Not too long ago, I had a bit of a breakdown (and a resulting breakthrough) when it came to housekeeping. I’ve admitted this here on my blog more times than I can count, but I’m not the most naturally tidy person out there. I pretty much make a mess everywhere I go. For most of my adult life, I’ve tried to make peace with that. I thought the answer was to embrace it. Messes are good! Messes are happy! Life is a mess! And while I still agree with that when it comes to many, many things, I finally faced the fact that I personally function so much better when my home – my haven – is running smoothly. When things are organized. When my desk is tidy. When my counter is shiny.

The problem was, none of that was happening. Nothing was running smoothly. Nothing was organized. Nothing was tidy. Nothing was shiny. My own house was a source of stress, and a big one at that.

I eventually realized that 1) This was MY issue. (Well, mine and my husband’s, but he already works like 17 jillion hours a week outside the house, and contrary to popular belief can’t always put out my fires too) 2) Making desperate, impassioned, embarrassing speeches begging people to help me didn’t work… and made us all grumpy in the process, and 3) The only person I had the ability – and the right – to control was me.

So I decided to do something.

Borrowing and adapting ideas from both Flylady and Motivated Moms, I started digging my way out. (“Borrowing” and “adapting” instead of flat-out following because I took what worked for me, and chucked the rest, with no apologies. Put on shoes in my own house?? What kind of crazy crap is that?) I started with baby steps, and am gradually working my way to household sanity. My own personal 12-step program for slobs. I didn’t do it to prove anything, didn’t do it for anyone else, didn’t do it for any other reason than because I wanted to. As with any other new habit, the first few weeks were ~~painful~~ difficult, but now it’s all second nature, AND my house doesn’t stress me out anymore.

This is the daily plan that works for me (your mileage may vary):

Tegan sleeps in our bed about half the time. If she’s in her bed, the first thing I do when I get up is make the bed. (Otherwise, I just do it later) For most of our marriage, the bed’s been unmade. I sort of never saw the point, if you’re just going to unmake to get into it again. But lo and behold, it’s really really nice to come into a pretty and freshly made bed every night. If your home is your haven, your bedroom should be your haven’s haven, right? Plus, it gets me in the “tidy-up” mood I need for the rest of the morning. So I take the time to do it. It takes approximately 8 seconds and makes a huge difference.
Next I go into both bathrooms, and grab the toilet brush. Quick swish of the toilet, and then a quick wipe down of the sink/counter/mirror with a damp cloth. Two minutes.
On the way to the kitchen, I stop at the closet to grab a fresh dish towel. It’s nice to have a fresh towel every day… and plus there’s that whole issue of kitchens being germier than bathrooms. Which is gross. So a new towel it is.
I start the pot of coffee, because I must. While it’s brewing, I:
Empty the dishwasher
Run a broom just over the kitchen/dining area
Wipe down the counters, stove, and sink
Put any stray cups, etc, from the night before in the dishwasher.
If there’s laundry to do, I’ll throw that in then too. (I’ll fold it later with a cup of iced coffee and Netflix to keep me company)

BAM. Ten minutes from the time my feet hit the floor and I’m ready to sit and enjoy my coffee and answer my emails.

The only other thing I do housework-wise consistently every day is spend 15 minutes (yes, I set a timer) on cleaning … something … whether it’s putting toys away, tidying up the living room, or working on decluttering. I’m convinced that getting rid of the superfluous “stuff” in the house is one of the biggest natural highs in the world. Right now my big project is the room that was originally built to be a formal dining room that has since become a computer room slash play room slash dumping ground slash all-around thorn in my side. It’s not where I’d like it yet, but it’s looking a lot better, 15 minutes at a time. 15 minutes is nothing. I could easily spend four times that much watching TV, or working on a blog post, or ::cough:: checking Facebook.

One day a week, I do the bigger jobs:

Properly clean the bathrooms
Sweep the whole house
Mop
Vacuum
Dust
Clean end tables, etc
Change everyone’s sheets
Take out the trash

The whole thing takes about an hour, less if the kids help me. And speaking of the kids: Last night after dinner (because he likes to give me real-life examples for my blog posts without even realizing it) Mike asked Everett – 9 at the time of this writing – if he’d take out the recycling bins. Spencer does it more often than not, but his shoulder is still not quite up to it. So he asked Everett. And that’s how it works… no more complicated nor more simple than just … asking. As is the case I’d say, oh, 75% of the time, Everett said “Sure”, brought his plate up to the sink, and went to get the recyclables.

20% of the time, the answer is “Sure…” followed by a, “when my show is over” or “after I finish this level”, or “in a little bit.” And 5% of the time, they decline. Because they’re too tired, or busy, or just plain choose to opt out.

In the past, that 5% caused a huge problem. But not because of the kids. Because of me.

The kids don’t exist to be at my beck and call. We’re a family… we’re all equals here. We’re on the same team, the kids and me. I knew all of that intellectually, but until I’d fixed my own messed-up relationship with housework, my words might have been asking, “Would you please help me with xyz?” but everything else about me was screaming, “Kids! Help me with this unpleasant task that I don’t even want to do myself! I’m going to frame it like it’s a question, but I’m going to get all grumbly if you say no. Stupid housework. Stupid messy house. If I could just get some HELP every once in awhile, instead of doing it all myself. Grumble grumble grumble….” I mean seriously, would you want to help that person? Once I’d adjusted my own frame of reference, it changed everything, and that 5% became a non-issue. Now when I ask, I’m honestly asking, and if the answer is “Not right now” or “No thanks” or “Can someone else do it?”, I’m cool with that. Because things are running much more smoothly overall, it’s not a big deal for me to do most of the cleaning projects myself… and it’s also not a big deal for others to pitch in: sometimes when they’re asked, and sometimes just because they want to help. And it should go without saying, but it’s also a whole lot more pleasant to deal with housework in general when it’s with someone who’s calm and cheerful about it instead of, well, stressed out and scary.

Most days, I’m honestly happy to do housework now. It feels good to create and keep a nice space and a happy unschooling “nest” for my family. It’s easier to find things and work on our various projects, and I’m no longer stressed out by all the inevitable – and often necessary – messes. Messes are easy to clean when they’re made on a fresh canvas. It’s the messes that fall on top of messes on top of messes that are overwhelming. Am I always cheerful and happy about cleaning? Well, no. This is the real world. And some days the best I can do is recognize that it’s a necessary part of life, and something I can still choose to do without complaining. And on “those” days? The rare days when I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than pick up a broom or handle a dirty dish or run one more load of laundry? I give myself the day off, and I don’t feel guilty about it.

Do I think my kids are going to be stellar housekeepers when they’re out on their own? I have no idea. I’m not nearly as concerned with how they “turn out” as I am with their living in a happy, cohesive, peaceful household right now. If I had to guess, I’d say that it’s largely just a matter of personality, and how they’re individually hard-wired. Some of my kids have always loved to keep everything around them neat and tidy… and some have always been, well, more like I was as a kid. And neither is right or wrong until or unless THEY decide it’s right or wrong in their own life.

I do know that they’re finally able to see and experience a mom who is happy to do it, to do her best to take pride in, and take care of this place we call home … humble though it may be. And on a deeper level, a mom who recognized a problem within herself and is taking steps to fix it.

Surely that’s got to count for something.

7 Comments

Filed under about me, family, learning, organizing, unschooling

June 17, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Does Unschooling Mean “Anything Goes”?

The other night after dinner, Mike and I were playing a board game with the two younger kids. Tegan was excited (she’d just won the lottery), and was dancing around in her chair. She stood on her chair at one point, and leaned over to hug her dad. She started to lose her balance, and after she’d righted herself, I said, “Could you sit down please babe? I don’t want you to fall.” Our table is counter top height, and our chairs are tall like bar stools. I know the terrible sound of a little head clunking against the unforgiving tile floor, and if at all possible, I’d like to prevent a repeat performance. She listened to my request, sat back down without an issue, and happily went on with her celebrating.

We don’t have any rules about standing on chairs. We don’t need to. Besides, standing on chairs is useful sometimes. I stand on a chair when I need to reach something high in the cabinet and one of the big boys isn’t around to help. Tegan stands on a chair when she helps me bake cookies in the afternoon. Mike stands on a chair when he needs to mess with the ceiling fan. I don’t doubt that Tegan will learn how to safely use a chair, just like her brothers before her because 1) I trust her, and I trust that as she grows and matures she’ll make good decisions, 2) I’m right there with her as she navigates the world… not to bark orders, but to guide, and to help when she needs it, and 3) Our relationship is such that if I do ask her to do or not do something with safety in mind (such as to sit down before she dances herself right off the chair), she trusts that I have a reason for asking, and she listens.

And that’s how radical unschooling works.

I’ve been thinking about this lot lately, because the misconceptions seem to be flying around with even more fervor than usual. “I would NEVER radically unschool! Kids need boundaries! They need limits! They can’t live a life where anything goes!” Just yesterday, someone said she was “repulsed” by the idea. And last week, when I shared this (excellent) article by Shamus Young, it was suggested that my advocating violent games was no different than encouraging my young sons to watch porn.

I’m not picking on the person who said that either, as it’s actually a fairly common leap to make. Not too long ago, the subject of porn was rapidly broached on a thread about… Dora the Explorer. The logic went like this: Dora uses witchcraft. Witchcraft is evil. Porn is also evil. Therefore, radically unschooling parents who embrace evil things like Dora for their young daughter might as well be embracing porn for their young sons.

(I’m going to give you a minute to let the absurdity sink in.)

Let me be really clear when I say this: Radical unschooling does not mean that there are no limits. It does not mean that there are no boundaries. It does not mean that anything goes. Life has all kinds of natural limits; every person has his or her own personal boundaries; and a home that truly was “anything goes” would be chaotic and stressful.. quite the opposite of the goal of unschooling.

What it does mean is making a conscious decision to step away from arbitrary, parent-imposed limits.

It means to stop placing limits and imposing boundaries based on your own fears.

It means to trust your children, and trust your communication, and trust your relationship.

It means to stop making unnecessary (and unhealthy) leaps in your mind, and to free yourself from that kind of thinking … from thinking that allowing your daughter to watch Dora and its “witchcraft” is going to lead to blood-letting rituals in the backyard … from thinking that accepting your son playing first-person shooter games is going to lead to his shooting up a school-full of kids … from thinking that not placing hard and fast rules about R rated movies will lead to your 5 year old watching The Hangover and your 7 year old watching 9 1/2 Weeks.

There is a big wide world of choices in between ALL and NOTHING.

One thing I hear fairly often is that people will “experiment” with radical unschooling, the kids will go wild (for lack of another term) and the parents will pronounce it a failure. But the problem isn’t unschooling. The problem is that if you take kids who are used to lots of control and lots of rules, and all of a sudden say, “Okay there are no limits now. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to tell you what to do”… of course they’re going to go crazy. Why wouldn’t they? Like horses who’d always been confined to a pasture, and are suddenly given access to acres and acres of rolling fields, of course they’re going to run. They’ll buck. They’ll kick. They’ll squeeze out every ounce of rebellion and adventure that they can, in fear of their new-found freedom being taken away.

Unschooling doesn’t work that way. Unschoolers aren’t afraid of their freedom being taken away. They also know that they’re not going it alone. They know that there’s nothing to rebel against, because their parents are beside them in partnership… helping them navigate, exploring with them, supporting them, listening to their desires, and helping to make them happen. They know that they’re safe, and they know that their parents will help them learn where their OWN boundaries are… and that those boundaries are a constantly changing and fluid thing, and not something that can be arbitrarily defined by anyone other than the individual to whom they apply.

At its heart, unschooling successfully is about the relationship. It’s about the open communication between myself and my kids. Knowing them. Knowing where they’re at, what they’re feeling, and what they’re thinking. Respecting them as individuals (and they’re all SO individual!), and honoring their differences. Spencer, who is 16 at the time of this writing, has long been interested in those true life medical shows and crime shows. Paxton, now 12, always found them scary… so out of respect to him, I’d make sure they were never watched in his presence. Mike and I will sometimes watch campy old horror movies, or shows with more adult themes (things like Breaking Bad and Weeds come to mind). But do we watch them in front of the five year old? Of course not. Little kids wouldn’t even be interested in things like sex or violence, nor would they understand it if they were – which is what makes the Dora/porn thing such an odd leap to make. Any parent that’s paying attention, whether they’re an unschooler or not, is going to know that 1) not everything that’s available is going to be appropriate for each and every person out there, and 2) that there is a big difference between something actually being inappropriate and/or harmful for a certain individual, and your making a knee-jerk reaction about it based on your own issues, hang-ups, or fears. If it’s the former, that’s where knowing your kids comes in. That’s where discussions come in. If it’s the latter? Then you’re living in fear…. which is not a healthy place for you, your kids, or your relationship.

No good parent – no matter what educational or lifestyle philosophy they believe in – is going to just sit back and watch (or more accurately, not watch) while their child does something that is truly harmful or damaging. To do so would be neglectful and permissive parenting (which, it stands to be said again: is the OPPOSITE of unschooling) My goal with my kids is to always be able to offer unconditional love and acceptance, to have a relationship built on trust, and to keep fostering our connection as a top priority… so that when an issue does come up – and it will, because no life and no relationship is all smooth sailing, all the time – we can recognize it.

We can recognize it, we can deal with it, and we can figure it out. Together.

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Filed under misconceptions, trust, unschooling

May 5, 2013 · 2:20 PM

A Radical Path

Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don’t have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member.

Just like with the quotes, I had trouble narrowing this one down. So many awesome blogs by so many awesome blogger friends! I ultimately decided that while I could wax poetic about some of the bigger blogs that you already know and love, it’d be more productive to introduce you to a blog that you might not know about yet. And if you don’t know about it yet, you’re missing out!

A few people readily came to mind (and I’m sure I’ll share them all, eventually) but for today’s post I chose Karen of A Radical Path. What makes her great? She just rocks. She’s a loyal friend, an awesome mom, and an all-around stand-up person. She’s a fellow Christian radical unschooler, and in addition to having a rather brilliantly named blog, she’s Australian and has passed on such important wisdom as sayings like “crikey” and “bloody hell.”

She writes boldly and honestly about radical unschooling and gentle parenting, and about walking this radical path we’re both on. From her “about me” on her blog:

The path through life is often broad and wide, well travelled and unquestioned.

This blog is about our journey along a more radical, less travelled path. It is about thinking differently, questioning the status quo, getting off auto pilot, breaking free from unconsidered traditions, and forging a way through a wilderness that is just waiting to be discovered! It is about daring to be different, rethinking assumptions, and facing the future with hope and courage.

Join me as we undo the laces of the smelly old shoe that doesn’t fit anyway, dip our toes in the crystal clear waters, wash away the dirt and dust, and walk (even run!) barefoot in the green grass of freedom….

If you like my blog, you will love hers. Go follow her on Facebook here. You’re welcome.

Unschooling, According to the Kids

Yesterday, I took the opportunity to have a chat with all four of the kids about unschooling. I wanted to be able to share their words, their thoughts, and their perspectives. What follows is just a portion of the awesome conversation that unfolded. Bold words are mine, and responses are from Spencer (16), Paxton (12), Everett (almost 9) and Tegan (5)

What is unschooling?

Everett: It’s learning what you want, in the way that you want to learn it.

Paxton: It’s hard to explain. Being autodidactic. That’s unschooling.

Spencer: Unschoolers can learn what they want, when they want.

Paxton: They’re not forced to go with the “system”

What is the best part of unschooling?

Tegan: Playing, and playing tag, and playing dolls, and all sorts of fun stuff. Okay… Playing.

Everett: I like all of it.

Paxton: Having the freedom to be able to do what you want, when you want.

Spencer: Being able to set your own schedule.

Are there any negatives to unschooling?

Paxton: Not that I can think of, no.

Everett: No. I like everything about it.

Spencer: Nope.

Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on anything by not going to school?

Tegan: I do! Like story time.

Paxton: Well I might be missing out on opportunities to make a few friends…

Everett: Yeah

Paxton: But I’m okay with that because I’m an introvert, and that’s what homeschooling groups are for anyway.

Spencer: Absolutely not

Which leads me to my next question. Do you feel like you have enough opportunities to be around other kids/make friends?

Paxton: Yes

Spencer: Yes

Everett: Yeah

Tegan: Mmm hmmm.

How do you know you’re learning if you’re not tested?

Tegan: Well, I know I’m learning because everybody tells me that I’m learning every day

Paxton: Because it’s a fact. You learn something new every day whether you realize it or not.

Spencer: Just because I know more stuff than I used to know

Paxton: Over time, you just realize that you know more and can do better

Everett: Even in school, the teachers can’t really know if you’re learning, because they’re not inside your head

Spencer: Yeah, that’s a good point. You could get an A on one test, or you could get an F, even if you know the answers.

Right, some people just don’t test well.

Everett: So the teachers can’t always know, because they’re not you

Some people think that unschoolers will only learn things that are easy for them, and will not ever challenge themselves. So do you learn things that are difficult, or do you just go for easy things that you know you’ll do well?

Spencer: I like a challenge!

Paxton: Yeah, if it’s too easy, it’s no fun. If it’s too hard, it’s no fun.

Everett: And if at school, if you were doing something hard that you didn’t want to do and were forced to do it… you couldn’t take a break and do something easy for awhile when you wanted to. With unschooling, you can put the harder thing down for awhile, and do an easier thing.

Paxton: Absolutely. I’m going into programming games in Python, and that’s learning like millions and millions of lines of code. It’s not exactly an easy thing to do.

But you have the motivation to do it because…

Paxton: Because that’s something I want to do for a career.

Do you think you’ll ever want to try to go to traditional school?

Spencer: No

Paxton: Unless it’s necessary for what I want to do with my coding, no.

Everett: I might eventually want to go, just to try it out to see, but I’m happy being unschooled.

Spencer: There’s so many advantages to unschooling.

Do you think unschooling would work for any child?

Paxton: Not necessarily… some people might be more inclined to want to go to school.

Everett: Yeah

What would you say to a parent who says, “Unschooling would never work for us because my kid would just sit and watch TV all day, and would never learn anything?”

Paxton: You learn something new every day

Everett: You might think they’re not learning, but they really do learn something, whether you see it or not

Paxton: What if they’re watching shows about something they want to do as a career?

Spencer: Exactly

Paxton: Then being able to sit and watch TV all day would be a huge bonus

Paxton: I watch Mythbusters because I want to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up is cool.

Everett: I totally agree with that

Paxton: But the science on Mythbusters is really cool

Some people that with unschooling, the kids run the house. Agree or disagree? Who do you think runs our house?

Spencer: You and Dad.

Tegan: Spencer took my answer!

Everett: I think we all run the house

Paxton: Disagree. Obviously you as the parents get the final say if an issue comes up, but it’s really pretty much a family deal around here.

Tegan: Mommy and Daddy, and everyone except the pets

Some people say that unschooling equals unparenting… that there’s no guidance, and that the kids just run around all willy nilly.

Paxton: No. Just, no.

Paxton: I mean, to an extent. You’re not strict like other parents, but there’s still guidance.

Spencer: And there’s rules…

Paxton: Not so much rules, but just general.. what’s the word…

Principles?

Paxton: Principles, yes, but something else. Just general… The word’s on the tip of my tongue. It’s two words… (he’ll think of it later)

Okay, we’ll come back to that. How do you learn to do math if you never have a math lesson?

Spencer: Just doing it in our daily life

Paxton: I use math on a daily basis… sometimes for fun, and sometimes just to figure something out.

Everett: I taught myself.

But how did you learn it?

Paxton: By doing it.

Everett: You just do it, and then you do it more, and practice and you get better…

How did you learn to read?

Spencer: Books

Everett: The same as math

Paxton: Self-taught. Autodidactic.

Spencer: Playing games, doing things on the computer…

Do you feel like you’re being sheltered from the real world?

In unison: No

You guys are giving really short answers..

Paxton: Do you want a novel for each question?

Yes (laughter) Okay, what do you think is the biggest misconception about unschooling?

Everett: That kids don’t learn anything, that they are just running around doing what they do.

Paxton: I agree with what Everett said, and also that the kids run the house. That’s not true. So not learning anything, the kids running the house deal. I’m still looking for the two words from that other question…

Do you feel like you’ll be prepared for a future career?

Spencer: Yes, because I’m already working on what I want to do for a career right now (working on small engines)

Paxton: Yes, that’s why I’m starting that Python class next week.

When you have kids, do you think you’ll send them to school or will you unschool?

Tegan: Well, I’m not going to send them to school when they’re little, but I might send them to school when they’re big

Everett: I would do what they wanted to do. If they wanted to go school, I’d let them go to school. If they wanted to be unschooled, I’d unschool

Tegan: I want to change my answer. I’d let them choose.

Paxton: I’d let them do what they want to do too, but I’d definitely try to urge unschooling

Spencer: I’d unschool

…………..

Paxton: Common sense!!! Common. Sense. Those were the two words. I don’t even remember what the question was, but common sense.

Was it the question about not having any guidance?

Paxton: Maybe… In the context of knowing what to do, and what not to do. Common sense.

Ooooh, okay, you mean you don’t have to have rules, because how you act in a household is just common sense?

Paxton: Yes!

So how did you learn to have this common sense if you didn’t have rules, weren’t punished….

Paxton: Because it’s common sense…. Like if you do something once and something bad happens, you say to yourself, “Oh I probably shouldn’t do that again.”

Let’s go back to the question about kids just watching TV or playing video games all day, because that’s a real concern for some people. Do you think that it’s an actual thing that happens, or do you think it’s a misconception?

Paxton: I think it just depends on the kid. It can happen, but it’s not a bad thing. If you think about it, a kid that’s free to choose isn’t going to play a video game or watch a TV show all day unless it’s something that they’re really interested in or passionate about.

Everett: Yesterday, I was watching a video about how educational video games could be

Do you think you get a well-rounded education being able to follow your own interests?

Everett: Well with unschooling, you’re not forced to learn about any one thing. You can learn about other things if you want to

Paxton: But do you want to? When you’re following an interest, do you learn a variety of things, or do you just learn about that one thing?

For example, basic skills…. reading, writing, math… do you feel that you get all those basic skills just by following your own interests?

Spencer: Yes

Everett: It kind of depends on what your interest is, but yes

Paxton: I definitely got my math brain from my father, but even just by learning about what I’m passionate about, I’m definitely learning a lot about math and numbers and words… how to put this together and that together and try this… engineering….

If you want to learn about something, what do you do? What tools do you use? Who helps you?

Tegan: Well, you help me. I want to learn about going on the green slide, and driving and stuff. You help me. You’re my person.

Paxton: You’re her person

Spencer: Well, right now I’m interested in getting better at small engines, so your uncle’s been really helpful

Paxton: If I want to learn about something, my first instinct is to go to YouTube

Everett: Yeah

Paxton: Or, you know, find a book or something. Or find somebody that I know who has an interest or knowledge of that subject

Oh! Here’s a question. Some people think that unschoolers don’t use books. True?

Spencer: Wrong!

Everett: That’s totally not true

Paxton: I for one, don’t particularly enjoy doing my reading from books. But I will do a lot of research online… find articles, forums, everything on the subject that I want to learn about

Spencer: I like books. You got me that whole set of books on engine repair, and they’ve been a good resource.

Paxton: Yeah, you’re very supportive of what we want to learn about, and help us find what we need to learn more about it, and to follow the interest.

Spencer: Yes, you are

Everett: But you don’t force us to do it

Paxton: No, you just help us when we need it

So you don’t feel like I’m “hands off”, or that you’re learning on your own?

Paxton: Not at all

Everett: Because if we have an interest, you support it, and you help us research it. And even if we want to do something, and can’t figure out, “how do I do this?” we can ask you.

Do you ever feel like you’re overly encouraged? Like do you think that you’re being pushed to take certain paths?

Spencer: No

Paxton: You’re encouraging us in the areas we want to pursue.

Everett: Right, you’re not encouraging us to go into chemistry if we want to go into math.

Paxton: I feel like any job we chose would be supported

So, Spencer you want to go into engine repair and landscaping; Paxton you want to be a computer programmer. Everett, do you know what you want to do when you grow up?

Everett: Making games would be fun

Paxton: He’s said he’d like to go into sound effects

Everett: Yeah that’d be really fun job to do

Some people think that since we don’t really have rules in the house, and since the parents aren’t really the “boss”, that you’ll never learn how to respect authority. What do you think about that?

Everett: That’s not true. We learn to respect others.

Paxton: Again, it’s just common sense. There are rules everywhere, and we learn to follow them if we want to be part of… Part of…

Society?

Paxton: Yes, society. We’re respectful members of society, just not the system.

Okay, let’s talk socialization.

Paxton: I’m socially awkward

(laughter)

Paxton: No, I’m not that socially awkward. I’m not Sheldon. I know how to introduce myself, say hello, shake people’s hands….

Spencer: In school, you’re mostly just around other kids

Paxton: In the same room, all day

Everett: With kids that you might not even choose to be around. Or be friends with.

Paxton: And being out of school, we’re around people of all ages. I like being able to make friends with other people who have similar lifestyles, but if we don’t, I can adapt and still say hi and be friendly and become friends with one another.

Here’s one someone asked me the other day. How do you know that you prefer unschooling to school, if you’ve never been to school for comparison?

Spencer: We can just talk to friends that have gone to regular schools.

Paxton: Well I’ll find out next week, even though I’m not actually going to school.

Right, but it’s one class that you chose, and something that you’re interested in.

Paxton: That’s true. It’s really different than going to school for what, 7 hours a day? Being forced to learn something and do things that you may not want to do just doesn’t sound like a fun concept.

Everett: And even if there is something you do want to learn about, you can only learn about it at certain times.

Paxton: And you’re forced to learn it whether you want to at that time or not. You don’t have the freedom to do what you want, for how long you want.

Do you think that unschooling is a good option for someone who is considered “special ed”, has ADHD, etc?

Everett: I think unschooling is better than regular schooling, because they can learn at their own pace, instead of being forced to learn things in a certain way.

Paxton: I think everyone would have some sort of label if we went to school.

Spencer: I think unschooling would be the best choice, because something might be harder for them to learn in the traditional ways.

Everett: And with unschooling, you can focus on strengths

Does it bother you – or maybe this hasn’t happened to you – if someone says for example, “You’re in sixth grade, you should know this by now?”

Paxton: It doesn’t bother me, but it’s annoying.

Spencer: Yeah, when someone says that it’s like they’re boasting and rubbing it in your face

Paxton: Exactly. They’re being kind of rude.

Spencer: Like, “Ha ha, we know more than you.”

Paxton: It doesn’t bother me at all if I’m “behind” where the public schools think I should be, because everyone learns at their own pace, but I’d be pretty irritated if someone actually walked up to me and said something like that.

Okay, to expand on that… Do you think there is a certain group of things that kids should know at certain ages? Or do you think everyone should just learn at their own pace?

Spencer: Everyone should be able to learn at their own pace.

Everett: I’d say, if they want to learn it they will, no matter what age they are

Paxton: Everyone learns at their own pace, but there will be some things that will be necessary in life sooner than others. Like reading, math… that kind of thing

So do you think unschooling has provided you the environment to learn those things? Or the tools to know how to learn them when you need them?

Everett: Definitely

Paxton: Yes. It’s provided me what I need to know, what I already know… AND has given me the tools to learn more when I want to or need to.

How about this… do you think it’s important for kids to learn for example, all the state capitals, or who was president when, or the dates when certain things happened…

Spencer: It just depends on the person

Paxton: For some people, it’s really cool for them to learn about stuff like that, and for others, it’s just really frustrating and hard to remember. And if they don’t need it…

Everett: No one’s going to want to be forced to learn it

Paxton: And they’re not going to remember it anyway, if it’s not something they’re interested in

Okay, upper level math. Necessary? Not necessary?

Spencer: Not

Paxton: Yeah, unless you’re going to go into a field that requires it, you’re probably not going to need more than the basics in day to day life.

Some people worry that if kids are given too much freedom, they’re not going to make good choices. What are your thoughts on that?

Spencer: I think most kids would make good choices if they’re trusted

Paxton: I agree

Tegan: Ask me the question!

Tegan, do you know what are some good choices, and what are some not-very-good choices?

Tegan: Hitting and punching aren’t very good choices. Saying bad words isn’t a good choice.

Paxton: Oh, are we going to talk about swearing?

Did you want to?

Spencer: It’s just about knowing when

Paxton: When, where, time and place, being aware of and respectful about who’s around you

Tegan: Spanking someone isn’t a good choice.

Oh! Let’s talk about spanking. How did you learn to stay out of the street if you were never spanked?

Everett: Because you told us to. You talked to us.

Paxton: There’s no need to cause physical harm to teach someone to be safe.

Spencer: You can just say, “Don’t go in the street.” It’s pretty obvious.

Everett: Or you can say, “That wasn’t very safe. Please don’t do it again.”

Paxton: And again, it’s common sense. If you do it once, and are told not to, you don’t do it again. And then you get to a point where it’s like, “Hmm, that car is coming pretty fast. Maybe I shouldn’t jump in front of it.”

Here’s a question. We don’t require any of you to do chores, but you all pitch in when we ask anyway. Spencer, earlier I asked you to bring out the recyclables, and you did. You didn’t have to, but you did anyway. Why?

Spencer: Because the bin was overflowing, and we all use it. It needed to be done.

Everett: And it’s just the nice thing to do

Spencer: Yes!

Paxton: That’s exactly what I was going to say

Tegan, why do you brush your teeth when I ask you to, even though it’s never been something I’ve made you do?

Tegan: Because I want to keep my teeth clean and healthy.

So how have you learned to do things if they were never a requirement?

Everett: We just choose to do them

Paxton: Yeah, choose to do them, then learn from the outcome. Learn from the outcome, and decide whether or not it would be a good idea to do whatever it was again.

Along those same lines… you’re all able to set your own schedule in terms of sleep, etc. How will you adjust to having a job and having to get up early/be somewhere at a certain time?

Paxton: I’d just set an alarm, and get it done. Eventually you get into a routine, and you’d get used to it.

Everett: Yeah, you just keep doing it, and it gets easier.

Spencer: What I do when I want to adjust my schedule is just start going to bed an hour earlier each night until I get on the schedule I want.

Paxton: Yeah I’d rather just set my alarm. I’d have to force myself to do it the first few times, but then it would become a habit, and get easier. Just do it, and get it done.

At this point, I tried to ask them what they’d learned from video games, but it rabbit trailed into a very long discussion about the zombie apocalypse. They did eventually tell me that in addition to learning what to do in case of zombies, that they’d learned (and are continuing to learn) things like reading, physics, problem solving, grammar, spelling, math, cooperative play…

Paxton: If you’re exposed to anything enough, you learn from it.

Everett: In the video I was watching yesterday, the guy was talking about Minecraft and about how many different things kid can learn from it… even just from how big the blocks are, how they fall…

Paxton: Portal II is also a great game to figure out physics, puzzles, how things fit together, how to think outside the box….

Here’s something that has been pretty hotly debated lately. Do you think it’s possible to unschool part-time? For example, saying, “We unschool except for math and english?”

Paxton: That’s not unschooling. That’s homeschooling. If you’re forcing them to do it, even if it’s just one or two subjects, that’s homeschooling, not unschooling.

Everett: With unschooling, you should be learning what you want to learn.

Spencer: Yeah, I think if you’re going to unschool, you should unschool. Traditional homeschooling is pretty much the same as going to school, you’re just doing it at home.

So you think that you’re either an unschooler or you’re not?

Paxton: Yes, there’s not really an in-between.

What would be your response to somebody who said something like, “Oh I like the idea of unschooling, but I’d be worried that my child wouldn’t learn everything he’d need to know.” ?

Paxton: If they truly need to know something, they will learn it.

Everett: Yeah. If they really needed it, they would know it, and they would learn it.

Paxton: If something is truly a NEED to learn, the child would learn it… on his or her own, at his or her own pace, with no force.

And finally, are you going to grow up to be murderers and drug addicts and criminals?

Spencer: No

Paxton: Yes

Everett: Well, not those things. But I might be a hippie.

Paxton: HIPPIES!!

Everett: Hippies rule!!

Thank you, to the four most awesome kids I know.

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Filed under Everett, family, Paxton, Spencer, Tegan, unschooling

March 5, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Hacking Your Education, by Dale J Stephens

“I’m not arguing against schools. I’m writing in favor of choices.” ~ Dale Stephens

And choices is exactly what this book is about. More choices than you likely ever thought possible. This is not a book for someone who’s content to follow the status quo, content to be a product of the “system”, or content to stick to the (seemingly) tried and true course to higher education.

No, this is a book for those who want to take charge of their own education. Those who aren’t afraid of following their own passions. Those who want to chart their own course.

Dale J Stephens is a grown unschooler who, at the age of 20, founded UnCollege.org to help those who want to eschew the traditional path of college and instead continue to learn and live on their own terms, unschooler-style. He helps people learn how to design their own uniquely individual educational experiences (and ultimately, their own uniquely individual lives.)

Drawing from his own experiences, and the true stories of countless others, he gives the reader everything he needs to know to begin taking action… from identifying your talents, to formulating a game plan and keeping yourself accountable, to finding mentors and teachers, to networking, to learning from travel, to taking advantage of (mostly free!) educational resources.

What I absolutely love about this book is that it isn’t all theory and no substance, so it doesn’t leave you shaking your head going, “Well that sounds marvelous, but how do I do it??”

He tells you how to do it.

Every single chapter includes what he calls The Hack of the Day, a list of practical things you can do right now to start taking control of your education and your life. Some are simple, and some require some fortitude. ALL are do-able. Warning: He will challenge you, and he will push you out of your comfort zone. Hacking Your Education is not for those who like to sit around and wait for life to happen. It’s for those who have the courage to get out there and MAKE it happen. My only wish is that this book had been around two decades ago when I was wasting my parents’ money on a college education that I ultimately decided wasn’t right for me. Thankfully my own kids can learn from my mistakes, and from the experiences of people like Dale J Stephens.

If you’re young and thinking about college (or, really, even if you’re old and NOT thinking about college) read it, and be inspired. I dare you.

Hacking Your Education is available on Amazon, starting today.

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Filed under book reviews, unschooling

January 28, 2013 · 9:46 AM

Unschooling, Today

28 days into the new year.

Three of the four kids have been sick (Paxton is still steadfastly drinking his Vitamin C and so far successfully willing himself not to get it). We’ve had car repairs and front door repairs and dryer repairs. Gymnastics started up again. So did karate. And Cub Scouts.

We decided we needed to repaint almost our whole house, starting with the living room and kitchen:

And through it all, there’s been a lovely rhythm, the kind that reminds me why we unschool.

Spencer has been making good use of the tools he got for Christmas, spending much of his days out in the garage. When he’s not taking apart, putting together, or otherwise fixing his lawn mowers and weed wackers, he’s on the internet… soaking up more information, watching instructional videos, and trouble-shooting.

Paxton has been working hard teaching himself computer programming. He has a giant book on Python (which I know nothing about, except that it’s a computer “language”) that he uses as a reference, and he also watches tutorials and videos on YouTube. He’s able to program his own simple games from scratch now, and he sets himself a new goal every day.

Everett has been all about science and magic tricks lately. The science is cool and everything, but I love watching how the magic makes him come alive. He’s getting really, really good at the slight-of-hand stuff, as well as things like forcing cards (says his unbiased mom) and I’m so enjoying getting to watch him perform and improve.

And Tegan…. honestly, is there anyone busier than a 4 year old? With Tegan, I just need to show up, and keep up. Whether it’s drawing, or singing, or playing board games, or Barbies, or ponies, or dress-up, or acting out her most recent favorite scene from one of her TV shows… she keeps me on my toes, and in the present moment.

And it’s a beautiful place to be.

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Filed under kids, life, unschooling, update

January 24, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Just a Trade

spencerlawnmower

I recently saw a thread on someone’s Facebook page about unschoolers’ future prospects. They wanted reassurance that unschoolers could in fact go on to lead useful, productive lives. One question read,

“Will they JUST be able to go to a trade school, or will they be able to go to a university?” (Emphasis is hers)

This bothers me. Both because it strikes a personal chord (my father is an electrician; 15-year-old Spencer is studying to repair small engines) but also because there is no “just” about it. The world NEEDS people with those skills! The world needs electricians, plumbers and repairmen… just as it needs doctors, lawyers, and engineers… and artists, poets, and musicians. It is not only snobbish, but also categorically unfair, to imply that any one type of path is somehow more desirable than the other.

The status of someone’s job or place of higher learning is not indicative of his, or of unschooling’s success. Do some unschoolers go on to big universities? Sure. And some are entrepreneurs. Some start their own businesses. Some travel. Some become stay at home parents and raise the next generation of free thinkers. And yes, some go into trades. The common thread between all of the above is that because they are free to choose they are likely to seek out careers and futures that they are passionate about…. jobs that they will do well, and do admirably, because they are intrinsically motivated to do so.

Your fancy college degree in and of itself does not impress me. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. Working hard, playing hard, living a life of passion and purpose and JOY – whether you’re a CEO or the guy that works at the fix-it shop on the corner – now that is impressive.

“If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelango painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.'” ~Martin Luther King

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