Category Archives: Tegan

November 25, 2013 · 9:11 AM

A Forever Home

Yesterday was the highlight of my whole year.

I had a cat my entire life. A cat is the earliest pet I can ever remember having (a calico named Shala, who choked on a hairball, and died right in front us :(), and also the first pet that I had into adulthood (a beautiful Siamese named Zoya, who I got when I was 16, and who lived a long happy life of nearly 20 years)

I have wanted another cat since Zoya passed away four years ago, and my daughter – my fellow little animal lover – has wanted one nearly as long.

If it were up to me and Tegan, we would likely have a house full of pets. But, well, a respectful marriage and a family with six people and six opinions = decisions aren’t always mine alone.

To make a long story short (because this really isn’t about HOW we ended up getting a cat), after much discussion, a side of creativity, and a healthy helping of compromise, yesterday morning found us at a local feed and animal supply store. Once a week they hold an adoption clinic by a rescue organization that saves and re-homes abandoned animals around the valley.

We didn’t tell Tegan the purpose of our visit until we were actually there, standing right in front of the cages filled with adorable little cats and kittens. I think she was a little bit in shock, excited but quiet, responding to questions with one word answers. She held two kittens, and was eventually chosen by the very first one that had caught her eye: a sweet, affectionate little seven-month-old grey female.

We had to meet a guy from Craigslist about a bed for Paxton, plus we weren’t yet set up with a litter box, food, etc. So we asked the lady in charge if it was alright if we did all our paperwork, paid our adoption fee, and came back for her a little later. She said that was fine, as long as we were back by 4:00.

And now we have a cat.

I’m enjoying the cat energy that the house has been missing for so long. I’m enjoying watching her explore every nook and cranny and finding a way to play with everything that comes across her path. I’m enjoying watching her run from the room, only to come bolting back in two seconds later. I’m enjoying her snuggles. I’m enjoying hearing her purrs of happiness. I’m very much enjoying seeing her trying so determinedly to make friends with Mike, who compromised more than anyone in this deal.

But more than anything? I’m enjoying the happiness and joy it brought my daughter, and the huge, ecstatic display of excitement that actually didn’t come till quite a while after she’d picked out the kitten. Mike and I were on our way home from picking up the bed for Paxton (we’d left Tegan home with the boys) when I got a strange text from Spencer.

“Are we keeping her?”

“Keeping who?” I asked him

“The cat.”

I was confused. “What do you mean? Of course we’re keeping her.”

It turned out that when Tegan had heard the lady say, “As long as you’re back by 4:00,” she thought that meant that we were just borrowing her, and that we had to bring the cat back to them by 4:00, not that we had to pick her up by 4:00. She understood it to be a temporary kitty play date, not that we were in fact going to be (as they like to say in animal rescue) her new “forever home.”

But once she understood, her screams of excitement could be heard clear across the county. I got more thanks, and more hugs – not half-hearted little side hugs, but full-on, with a running start, hurtle all sixty pounds of herself full force into my body sort of hug – in five minutes than I’ve gotten in the past year.

She’s one very happy little girl.

And this is going to be one very loved little kitty.

4 Comments

Filed under pets, Tegan

September 10, 2013 · 10:38 AM

Muddy Bathrooms: More Lessons from my Daughter

It rained yesterday. It rained HARD. It was the kind of much-needed ridiculous, relentless, driving rain that gave us exactly two options: Play in it, or hole up inside for a day of Netflix-watching and eating stuff.

We did both.

After a wild and watery game of tag in the lake previously known as our backyard

When we came inside, I was hit with a heavy case of the Mondays, and wanted nothing more than to just sit for awhile. There was laundry to do, and floors to sweep, and bathrooms to clean, but first…. sitting. Lots of sitting. When I realized that Tegan had gone back outside, and was happily involved in her own project (and had been for quite some time) I mustered up the energy to take advantage of the quiet and get a little housework done:

Pop in some laundry. Run the vacuum. Sweep the hall. I did the bathrooms – my least favorite thing – last, and once they were sparkling to my liking, I headed back to my chair to resume my sitting. I passed Tegan on the way; a joyful little blur of pink and mud. Heavy on the mud.

I found her in the bathroom I’d just cleaned about 18 seconds earlier. In her split second head start, she’d gotten mud on the floor, mud on the toilet, mud on the mirror, mud on the counter, mud in the sink. She was happily chatting away as she ran the water and filled up the sink, gently washing the mud off the Barbie that had just gotten a head-to-toe mud treatment at the Spa of Tegan.

“You little stinker. I just cleaned the bathroom!” Only I didn’t say it. I wanted to say it. I almost said it. In countless other similar situations, I’d said it. But this time, in that moment …. I saw her. I really saw her. Happy. Healthy. Innocent. Chatting about her Barbie and how much she’d liked her mud bath. Talking about how black the water was getting. Wondering out loud what she was going to play when she was done.

I am so lucky.

And if I’d commented about the mess, even in a joking and lighthearted way, it might have stolen a piece of that moment. It might have taken away a piece of that joy. It might have prevented me from seeing, from really being there.

Yes, it’s a lesson I’m destined to learn over and over and over, but it’s an important one. And she teaches it better than anyone I know.

I said nothing about the mess, and when I did clean it up I was able to do it with a genuine smile. I will clean the bathroom, even if I just cleaned it.

I will clean it again. If it means happy and healthy and curious kids, I will clean it a thousand times.

5 Comments

Filed under not sweating the small stuff, parenting, perspective, Tegan

July 25, 2013 · 5:34 PM

Slowing Down

My kids are my greatest teachers.

One of the biggest lessons that my daughter has taught me (and continues to teach me, again and again) is to slow the heck down. Breathe. Live in the moment. Forget about life’s distractions. It’s strange to me, an introverted homebody, that this is a lesson I would so desperately need to receive over and over… but I do.

The past two months have been incredibly busy ones, and I’ve sort of prided myself on rising to the occasion. Keep moving. Keep checking. Keep doing. Go, go, go. I’ve become very adept at taking care of Very Important Things while simultaneously tending to other Very Important Things. Is it weird to balance your checkbook sitting on the wings of the community pool while your kids are in swimming lessons? Or work on your grocery list while waiting for your son in physical therapy? I don’t know. But I’ve been doing them both, in my – mostly successful – quest to stay on top of everything when I’ve got a million balls in the air. Can’t stop moving. Can’t drop the balls.

This morning Tegan got up early. Well, it wasn’t exactly early. It was 8:00. But that’s early for her lately, because she’s been staying up late, and sleeping in the next morning. Which works out well for me, because it gives me plenty of time to work on my ever-growing to-do list before anyone gets up. But this morning she got up at 8:00, and in her sleepy little stupor, immediately sprawled herself out on the couch. I knew she was about to fall back to sleep, so I asked her if she wanted me to get her blanket.

“No,” she told me. “Come back to bed with me.” Her eyes were nearly closed already.

“You want to go back to bed?”

She nodded with her eyes closed. “Yes, but I want you to come with me. Come lay with me.”

I knew if I waited about 30 seconds before I got up that she would just fall back to sleep again on the couch. I also knew that it was a moment I wouldn’t get back.

“Come lay with me.”

My first instinct was to grab my tablet (I’d been catching up on emails) so that I could use it in bed after she’d fallen asleep, but I knew she wouldn’t like that.

My daughter.

My need to do. all. the. things.

I acted before I could debate it. I left my tablet on the couch, and walked her back to bed. I tucked us both in, her little body happily curled against mine. It was only a matter of minutes before she was asleep, her head heavy against my arm, her breathing deep and even.

I slowed down.

I breathed.

Her timing was, as always, impeccable. In many ways, life is about to slow down for the next month or so. Swimming is officially over, ballet ended for the summer last week, karate ends on Saturday. And with so many of my clients with travel plans, even my yoga class has taken a hiatus for at least the next month. But because this is, well, the real world, in many ways life is about to pick up as well. Lots of plans, lots of projects, lots to do.

But not this morning. Not right now. There’s a place for stillness too. A time to slow down. A time to breathe. I laid with my sleeping girl for a long time, savoring the moment, drinking in the lesson.

Slow down.

Breathe.

After she woke up, we hung out in bed for another hour, to-do list be damned. We watched TV, read about 7 Dora books, and talked about the important things moms and daughters talk about. I snuck out of the room just once when she was asleep, but I came right back.I just had to take a picture, to remind me.

2 Comments

Filed under about me, kids, learning, life, mindful parenting, not sweating the small stuff, parenting, Tegan

April 9, 2013 · 9:57 AM

Unschooling, According to the Kids

Yesterday, I took the opportunity to have a chat with all four of the kids about unschooling. I wanted to be able to share their words, their thoughts, and their perspectives. What follows is just a portion of the awesome conversation that unfolded. Bold words are mine, and responses are from Spencer (16), Paxton (12), Everett (almost 9) and Tegan (5)

What is unschooling?

Everett: It’s learning what you want, in the way that you want to learn it.

Paxton: It’s hard to explain. Being autodidactic. That’s unschooling.

Spencer: Unschoolers can learn what they want, when they want.

Paxton: They’re not forced to go with the “system”

What is the best part of unschooling?

Tegan: Playing, and playing tag, and playing dolls, and all sorts of fun stuff. Okay… Playing.

Everett: I like all of it.

Paxton: Having the freedom to be able to do what you want, when you want.

Spencer: Being able to set your own schedule.

Are there any negatives to unschooling?

Paxton: Not that I can think of, no.

Everett: No. I like everything about it.

Spencer: Nope.

Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on anything by not going to school?

Tegan: I do! Like story time.

Paxton: Well I might be missing out on opportunities to make a few friends…

Everett: Yeah

Paxton: But I’m okay with that because I’m an introvert, and that’s what homeschooling groups are for anyway.

Spencer: Absolutely not

Which leads me to my next question. Do you feel like you have enough opportunities to be around other kids/make friends?

Paxton: Yes

Spencer: Yes

Everett: Yeah

Tegan: Mmm hmmm.

How do you know you’re learning if you’re not tested?

Tegan: Well, I know I’m learning because everybody tells me that I’m learning every day

Paxton: Because it’s a fact. You learn something new every day whether you realize it or not.

Spencer: Just because I know more stuff than I used to know

Paxton: Over time, you just realize that you know more and can do better

Everett: Even in school, the teachers can’t really know if you’re learning, because they’re not inside your head

Spencer: Yeah, that’s a good point. You could get an A on one test, or you could get an F, even if you know the answers.

Right, some people just don’t test well.

Everett: So the teachers can’t always know, because they’re not you

Some people think that unschoolers will only learn things that are easy for them, and will not ever challenge themselves. So do you learn things that are difficult, or do you just go for easy things that you know you’ll do well?

Spencer: I like a challenge!

Paxton: Yeah, if it’s too easy, it’s no fun. If it’s too hard, it’s no fun.

Everett: And if at school, if you were doing something hard that you didn’t want to do and were forced to do it… you couldn’t take a break and do something easy for awhile when you wanted to. With unschooling, you can put the harder thing down for awhile, and do an easier thing.

Paxton: Absolutely. I’m going into programming games in Python, and that’s learning like millions and millions of lines of code. It’s not exactly an easy thing to do.

But you have the motivation to do it because…

Paxton: Because that’s something I want to do for a career.

Do you think you’ll ever want to try to go to traditional school?

Spencer: No

Paxton: Unless it’s necessary for what I want to do with my coding, no.

Everett: I might eventually want to go, just to try it out to see, but I’m happy being unschooled.

Spencer: There’s so many advantages to unschooling.

Do you think unschooling would work for any child?

Paxton: Not necessarily… some people might be more inclined to want to go to school.

Everett: Yeah

What would you say to a parent who says, “Unschooling would never work for us because my kid would just sit and watch TV all day, and would never learn anything?”

Paxton: You learn something new every day

Everett: You might think they’re not learning, but they really do learn something, whether you see it or not

Paxton: What if they’re watching shows about something they want to do as a career?

Spencer: Exactly

Paxton: Then being able to sit and watch TV all day would be a huge bonus

Paxton: I watch Mythbusters because I want to blow stuff up. Blowing stuff up is cool.

Everett: I totally agree with that

Paxton: But the science on Mythbusters is really cool

Some people that with unschooling, the kids run the house. Agree or disagree? Who do you think runs our house?

Spencer: You and Dad.

Tegan: Spencer took my answer!

Everett: I think we all run the house

Paxton: Disagree. Obviously you as the parents get the final say if an issue comes up, but it’s really pretty much a family deal around here.

Tegan: Mommy and Daddy, and everyone except the pets

Some people say that unschooling equals unparenting… that there’s no guidance, and that the kids just run around all willy nilly.

Paxton: No. Just, no.

Paxton: I mean, to an extent. You’re not strict like other parents, but there’s still guidance.

Spencer: And there’s rules…

Paxton: Not so much rules, but just general.. what’s the word…

Principles?

Paxton: Principles, yes, but something else. Just general… The word’s on the tip of my tongue. It’s two words… (he’ll think of it later)

Okay, we’ll come back to that. How do you learn to do math if you never have a math lesson?

Spencer: Just doing it in our daily life

Paxton: I use math on a daily basis… sometimes for fun, and sometimes just to figure something out.

Everett: I taught myself.

But how did you learn it?

Paxton: By doing it.

Everett: You just do it, and then you do it more, and practice and you get better…

How did you learn to read?

Spencer: Books

Everett: The same as math

Paxton: Self-taught. Autodidactic.

Spencer: Playing games, doing things on the computer…

Do you feel like you’re being sheltered from the real world?

In unison: No

You guys are giving really short answers..

Paxton: Do you want a novel for each question?

Yes (laughter) Okay, what do you think is the biggest misconception about unschooling?

Everett: That kids don’t learn anything, that they are just running around doing what they do.

Paxton: I agree with what Everett said, and also that the kids run the house. That’s not true. So not learning anything, the kids running the house deal. I’m still looking for the two words from that other question…

Do you feel like you’ll be prepared for a future career?

Spencer: Yes, because I’m already working on what I want to do for a career right now (working on small engines)

Paxton: Yes, that’s why I’m starting that Python class next week.

When you have kids, do you think you’ll send them to school or will you unschool?

Tegan: Well, I’m not going to send them to school when they’re little, but I might send them to school when they’re big

Everett: I would do what they wanted to do. If they wanted to go school, I’d let them go to school. If they wanted to be unschooled, I’d unschool

Tegan: I want to change my answer. I’d let them choose.

Paxton: I’d let them do what they want to do too, but I’d definitely try to urge unschooling

Spencer: I’d unschool

…………..

Paxton: Common sense!!! Common. Sense. Those were the two words. I don’t even remember what the question was, but common sense.

Was it the question about not having any guidance?

Paxton: Maybe… In the context of knowing what to do, and what not to do. Common sense.

Ooooh, okay, you mean you don’t have to have rules, because how you act in a household is just common sense?

Paxton: Yes!

So how did you learn to have this common sense if you didn’t have rules, weren’t punished….

Paxton: Because it’s common sense…. Like if you do something once and something bad happens, you say to yourself, “Oh I probably shouldn’t do that again.”

Let’s go back to the question about kids just watching TV or playing video games all day, because that’s a real concern for some people. Do you think that it’s an actual thing that happens, or do you think it’s a misconception?

Paxton: I think it just depends on the kid. It can happen, but it’s not a bad thing. If you think about it, a kid that’s free to choose isn’t going to play a video game or watch a TV show all day unless it’s something that they’re really interested in or passionate about.

Everett: Yesterday, I was watching a video about how educational video games could be

Do you think you get a well-rounded education being able to follow your own interests?

Everett: Well with unschooling, you’re not forced to learn about any one thing. You can learn about other things if you want to

Paxton: But do you want to? When you’re following an interest, do you learn a variety of things, or do you just learn about that one thing?

For example, basic skills…. reading, writing, math… do you feel that you get all those basic skills just by following your own interests?

Spencer: Yes

Everett: It kind of depends on what your interest is, but yes

Paxton: I definitely got my math brain from my father, but even just by learning about what I’m passionate about, I’m definitely learning a lot about math and numbers and words… how to put this together and that together and try this… engineering….

If you want to learn about something, what do you do? What tools do you use? Who helps you?

Tegan: Well, you help me. I want to learn about going on the green slide, and driving and stuff. You help me. You’re my person.

Paxton: You’re her person

Spencer: Well, right now I’m interested in getting better at small engines, so your uncle’s been really helpful

Paxton: If I want to learn about something, my first instinct is to go to YouTube

Everett: Yeah

Paxton: Or, you know, find a book or something. Or find somebody that I know who has an interest or knowledge of that subject

Oh! Here’s a question. Some people think that unschoolers don’t use books. True?

Spencer: Wrong!

Everett: That’s totally not true

Paxton: I for one, don’t particularly enjoy doing my reading from books. But I will do a lot of research online… find articles, forums, everything on the subject that I want to learn about

Spencer: I like books. You got me that whole set of books on engine repair, and they’ve been a good resource.

Paxton: Yeah, you’re very supportive of what we want to learn about, and help us find what we need to learn more about it, and to follow the interest.

Spencer: Yes, you are

Everett: But you don’t force us to do it

Paxton: No, you just help us when we need it

So you don’t feel like I’m “hands off”, or that you’re learning on your own?

Paxton: Not at all

Everett: Because if we have an interest, you support it, and you help us research it. And even if we want to do something, and can’t figure out, “how do I do this?” we can ask you.

Do you ever feel like you’re overly encouraged? Like do you think that you’re being pushed to take certain paths?

Spencer: No

Paxton: You’re encouraging us in the areas we want to pursue.

Everett: Right, you’re not encouraging us to go into chemistry if we want to go into math.

Paxton: I feel like any job we chose would be supported

So, Spencer you want to go into engine repair and landscaping; Paxton you want to be a computer programmer. Everett, do you know what you want to do when you grow up?

Everett: Making games would be fun

Paxton: He’s said he’d like to go into sound effects

Everett: Yeah that’d be really fun job to do

Some people think that since we don’t really have rules in the house, and since the parents aren’t really the “boss”, that you’ll never learn how to respect authority. What do you think about that?

Everett: That’s not true. We learn to respect others.

Paxton: Again, it’s just common sense. There are rules everywhere, and we learn to follow them if we want to be part of… Part of…

Society?

Paxton: Yes, society. We’re respectful members of society, just not the system.

Okay, let’s talk socialization.

Paxton: I’m socially awkward

(laughter)

Paxton: No, I’m not that socially awkward. I’m not Sheldon. I know how to introduce myself, say hello, shake people’s hands….

Spencer: In school, you’re mostly just around other kids

Paxton: In the same room, all day

Everett: With kids that you might not even choose to be around. Or be friends with.

Paxton: And being out of school, we’re around people of all ages. I like being able to make friends with other people who have similar lifestyles, but if we don’t, I can adapt and still say hi and be friendly and become friends with one another.

Here’s one someone asked me the other day. How do you know that you prefer unschooling to school, if you’ve never been to school for comparison?

Spencer: We can just talk to friends that have gone to regular schools.

Paxton: Well I’ll find out next week, even though I’m not actually going to school.

Right, but it’s one class that you chose, and something that you’re interested in.

Paxton: That’s true. It’s really different than going to school for what, 7 hours a day? Being forced to learn something and do things that you may not want to do just doesn’t sound like a fun concept.

Everett: And even if there is something you do want to learn about, you can only learn about it at certain times.

Paxton: And you’re forced to learn it whether you want to at that time or not. You don’t have the freedom to do what you want, for how long you want.

Do you think that unschooling is a good option for someone who is considered “special ed”, has ADHD, etc?

Everett: I think unschooling is better than regular schooling, because they can learn at their own pace, instead of being forced to learn things in a certain way.

Paxton: I think everyone would have some sort of label if we went to school.

Spencer: I think unschooling would be the best choice, because something might be harder for them to learn in the traditional ways.

Everett: And with unschooling, you can focus on strengths

Does it bother you – or maybe this hasn’t happened to you – if someone says for example, “You’re in sixth grade, you should know this by now?”

Paxton: It doesn’t bother me, but it’s annoying.

Spencer: Yeah, when someone says that it’s like they’re boasting and rubbing it in your face

Paxton: Exactly. They’re being kind of rude.

Spencer: Like, “Ha ha, we know more than you.”

Paxton: It doesn’t bother me at all if I’m “behind” where the public schools think I should be, because everyone learns at their own pace, but I’d be pretty irritated if someone actually walked up to me and said something like that.

Okay, to expand on that… Do you think there is a certain group of things that kids should know at certain ages? Or do you think everyone should just learn at their own pace?

Spencer: Everyone should be able to learn at their own pace.

Everett: I’d say, if they want to learn it they will, no matter what age they are

Paxton: Everyone learns at their own pace, but there will be some things that will be necessary in life sooner than others. Like reading, math… that kind of thing

So do you think unschooling has provided you the environment to learn those things? Or the tools to know how to learn them when you need them?

Everett: Definitely

Paxton: Yes. It’s provided me what I need to know, what I already know… AND has given me the tools to learn more when I want to or need to.

How about this… do you think it’s important for kids to learn for example, all the state capitals, or who was president when, or the dates when certain things happened…

Spencer: It just depends on the person

Paxton: For some people, it’s really cool for them to learn about stuff like that, and for others, it’s just really frustrating and hard to remember. And if they don’t need it…

Everett: No one’s going to want to be forced to learn it

Paxton: And they’re not going to remember it anyway, if it’s not something they’re interested in

Okay, upper level math. Necessary? Not necessary?

Spencer: Not

Paxton: Yeah, unless you’re going to go into a field that requires it, you’re probably not going to need more than the basics in day to day life.

Some people worry that if kids are given too much freedom, they’re not going to make good choices. What are your thoughts on that?

Spencer: I think most kids would make good choices if they’re trusted

Paxton: I agree

Tegan: Ask me the question!

Tegan, do you know what are some good choices, and what are some not-very-good choices?

Tegan: Hitting and punching aren’t very good choices. Saying bad words isn’t a good choice.

Paxton: Oh, are we going to talk about swearing?

Did you want to?

Spencer: It’s just about knowing when

Paxton: When, where, time and place, being aware of and respectful about who’s around you

Tegan: Spanking someone isn’t a good choice.

Oh! Let’s talk about spanking. How did you learn to stay out of the street if you were never spanked?

Everett: Because you told us to. You talked to us.

Paxton: There’s no need to cause physical harm to teach someone to be safe.

Spencer: You can just say, “Don’t go in the street.” It’s pretty obvious.

Everett: Or you can say, “That wasn’t very safe. Please don’t do it again.”

Paxton: And again, it’s common sense. If you do it once, and are told not to, you don’t do it again. And then you get to a point where it’s like, “Hmm, that car is coming pretty fast. Maybe I shouldn’t jump in front of it.”

Here’s a question. We don’t require any of you to do chores, but you all pitch in when we ask anyway. Spencer, earlier I asked you to bring out the recyclables, and you did. You didn’t have to, but you did anyway. Why?

Spencer: Because the bin was overflowing, and we all use it. It needed to be done.

Everett: And it’s just the nice thing to do

Spencer: Yes!

Paxton: That’s exactly what I was going to say

Tegan, why do you brush your teeth when I ask you to, even though it’s never been something I’ve made you do?

Tegan: Because I want to keep my teeth clean and healthy.

So how have you learned to do things if they were never a requirement?

Everett: We just choose to do them

Paxton: Yeah, choose to do them, then learn from the outcome. Learn from the outcome, and decide whether or not it would be a good idea to do whatever it was again.

Along those same lines… you’re all able to set your own schedule in terms of sleep, etc. How will you adjust to having a job and having to get up early/be somewhere at a certain time?

Paxton: I’d just set an alarm, and get it done. Eventually you get into a routine, and you’d get used to it.

Everett: Yeah, you just keep doing it, and it gets easier.

Spencer: What I do when I want to adjust my schedule is just start going to bed an hour earlier each night until I get on the schedule I want.

Paxton: Yeah I’d rather just set my alarm. I’d have to force myself to do it the first few times, but then it would become a habit, and get easier. Just do it, and get it done.

At this point, I tried to ask them what they’d learned from video games, but it rabbit trailed into a very long discussion about the zombie apocalypse. They did eventually tell me that in addition to learning what to do in case of zombies, that they’d learned (and are continuing to learn) things like reading, physics, problem solving, grammar, spelling, math, cooperative play…

Paxton: If you’re exposed to anything enough, you learn from it.

Everett: In the video I was watching yesterday, the guy was talking about Minecraft and about how many different things kid can learn from it… even just from how big the blocks are, how they fall…

Paxton: Portal II is also a great game to figure out physics, puzzles, how things fit together, how to think outside the box….

Here’s something that has been pretty hotly debated lately. Do you think it’s possible to unschool part-time? For example, saying, “We unschool except for math and english?”

Paxton: That’s not unschooling. That’s homeschooling. If you’re forcing them to do it, even if it’s just one or two subjects, that’s homeschooling, not unschooling.

Everett: With unschooling, you should be learning what you want to learn.

Spencer: Yeah, I think if you’re going to unschool, you should unschool. Traditional homeschooling is pretty much the same as going to school, you’re just doing it at home.

So you think that you’re either an unschooler or you’re not?

Paxton: Yes, there’s not really an in-between.

What would be your response to somebody who said something like, “Oh I like the idea of unschooling, but I’d be worried that my child wouldn’t learn everything he’d need to know.” ?

Paxton: If they truly need to know something, they will learn it.

Everett: Yeah. If they really needed it, they would know it, and they would learn it.

Paxton: If something is truly a NEED to learn, the child would learn it… on his or her own, at his or her own pace, with no force.

And finally, are you going to grow up to be murderers and drug addicts and criminals?

Spencer: No

Paxton: Yes

Everett: Well, not those things. But I might be a hippie.

Paxton: HIPPIES!!

Everett: Hippies rule!!

Thank you, to the four most awesome kids I know.

20 Comments

Filed under Everett, family, Paxton, Spencer, Tegan, unschooling

March 26, 2013 · 12:39 PM

Just a Minute

I’m very tired.

I don’t mean that I’m tired right now as I write this (even though I am), but more that I’m sort of perpetually tired. I’m not complaining either. Just stating facts. I think that between being a full-time mom for 16 years, and having 4 busy kids, and a Mike and a business and a life, and being in physical pain for the past 11 months … plus the fact that I’ve been a chronic insomniac since I was 19, which basically means that I’ve been sleep-deprived for two decades…

Put them all together, add ice and stir: A person’s going to be a little bit tired.

I blame fatigue for the latest “mom phrase” I’m trying to strike from my vocabulary. But it’s no excuse.

The girl will ask me to play a game or do a puzzle or help her find something in her room, and before I’ve thought about it I’ve answered,

“Sure! In just a minute.” And then I take that minute to finish my email, read another paragraph of my article, wipe the crumbs from the counter, or just rest for a few. more. seconds. because the thought of getting up just feels like too much. And nine times out of ten we then do whatever it was she was requesting, and all is well. But that 10% of the time? She’s gotten tired of waiting for me, and moved on to doing something on her own. 🙁 And that’s not acceptable to me. It means I missed a moment. I missed another chance to connect.

And while, yes, there are certain circumstances where a “just a minute” is warranted (being behind a closed bathroom door comes to mind) most of the time, it’s just not. It’s not her fault that I’m tired, and it’s not her fault that I’ve once again spread myself too thin.

She’s more important than answering that email right this second.

She’s more important than having a clean counter.

She’s more important than finishing the article.

She’s more important than that 60 extra seconds of rest… rest that I wouldn’t need if I’d been taking better care of myself in the first place.

So a few days ago, I decided I would try to mindfully stop saying, “just a minute” unless I had a really good reason (and it’s amazing how very few good reasons there really are when you stop and think about it). When I hear that, “Mommy, can you…” I say “sure” without exception, and I mean it. I get up, and I follow through. No missed moments.

And perhaps not surprisingly, it’s making me happy, it’s making her happy…. and I’m not any more tired than I was before.

10 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Tegan

February 25, 2013 · 3:47 PM

The Engine and the Caboose

Spencer and Tegan’s birthdays are 3 days apart. Well, 11 years and 3 days. In the past, I’ve found that stressful, because 1) I find birthdays a little bit stressful to begin with, and 2) it meant twice as much planning, twice as much baking, twice as much money….

This year though, I realized for the first time how incredibly fitting it is that we get to celebrate them both in the same week: Spencer, the one who made us a mother and a father. The one who took us from just a couple to a family. The one who taught us what it meant to love another person so completely, so intensely, so ferociously. The one who showed us what we wanted to do and who we wanted to be as parents. The one who brought us more joy, more heartbreak, and more pride than we’d ever experienced before. The one who forged the way for his three younger siblings, and the one who continues to lead the way with courage and passion and tenacity. When Spencer was born, we ceased to be who we’d been before, and we became something entirely new… something brighter, and something stronger.

And Tegan, the one who completed our family. The one who showed us the new joys and experiences of having a girl after three boys. The girl we never knew we always wanted. The one who almost wasn’t. The one who made her presence so strongly known even before she was conceived. The one who made me know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that someone was still missing from our family. The one who made me sob to my husband, “You don’t understand. If we don’t have another baby, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Someone is STILL MISSING.” The one who continues to teach me so much about love, about life, and about myself. The one who reminds me to play, to smile, and to live every moment as if it were my last. The one who has brought us so much joy and laughter in five short years. So much joy!

The one who started our little family, and the one who completed it.

Our engine and our caboose.

I love them both more than words could ever adequately express, and I thank God every day that I’m lucky enough to be their mom.

1 Comment

Filed under birthdays, Spencer, Tegan

January 29, 2013 · 8:39 AM

Teganisms

“Wouldn’t it be gross if we all washed our bodies in toilet water?”

“Can I read the dog a bed night story?”

“Sophie (our dog) can talk! She just said, “Can I have some meatloaf?””

“Can your laugh box ever run out of laughs?”

“Her boobs are much bigger than yours.”

“If you call me that again, I’m going to have to deny it” ::: pause pause pause ::: “What does ‘deny it’ mean?”

“If there were a contest for the faster pooper, I would totally win.”

About an upset woman on TV: “I really think she just needs to chill.”

3 Comments

Filed under humor, random, Tegan

January 18, 2013 · 9:54 AM

Barbies, and the Girls Who Love Them

I grew up playing with Barbies. In fact, some of my favorite childhood memories involve being out in the yard with my sister, with nothing but a big bin of Barbies and our imaginations. These were not dainty, sedentary Barbies either. These were badass Barbies. We’d create these elaborate and far-flung adventures for all of them, complete with homemade planes, boats, and parachutes. Sigh. Oh the parachutes. We’d get them all suited up, climb to the roof of the barn, and with a count of three and a squeal of anticipation, we’d launch them as hard as we could. Then we watched as they ideally floated – but sometimes plummeted – to the ground below. We’d then scramble down, assess any damage, and do it all over again. If anyone was injured (and it was known to happen.. apparently Barbies aren’t designed to withstand being thrown off of roofs), we’d duck tape em back together. My favorite Barbie had a makeshift neck brace, which is a polite way of saying I’d taped her head back together, for her final jump. After that, she retired.

Yes, happy memories of playing with Barbies indeed. And not once, in all the years and all the afternoons and all the hours of playing with Barbies, did I ever think,

“Man, do I wish I had her rockin’ body.”

When I asked recently on my Facebook page if there were any toys you didn’t allow in your home, Barbie’s name came up again and again.

She’s too gender-specific.

She promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image.

She wears too much makeup.

Her clothes are too “slutty.” This one bothers me the most of all, because 1) It assumes that how one dresses (a toy, at that) is an indicator of her sexual behavior, which is unfair at best, and 2) It’s projecting a negative, adult stereotype onto something that is meant for children.

In fact, all of the above statements are observations made through adult and prejudiced eyes. Kids don’t see it that way unless they learn it from us! When un-jaded children look at toys (and life) they see beauty. They see potential. They see adventure. They see fun.

They do not see a scantily clad, heavily made up, unnaturally thin Barbie who’s obviously spending way too much time counting her carbs and canoodling with GI Joe.

My daughter loves her Barbies. They’re often on the floor, resting after their latest adventure. Right now they’re in her room alongside her ponies, babies, books, rocks, sticks, pine cones, feathers, and other treasures. They’re not scary. They’re not harmful. They’re no more or less than another avenue to play and imagination and fantasy. She likes to change their clothes and pretend that they’re going out to a concert. Or to someone’s house for a party. Or to the beach. Or on a road trip.

Her play is innocent, and sweet, and yes, child-like. She plays like she doesn’t care about the things that us adults are all hung up on, because she doesn’t. She doesn’t question the fact that Barbie’s legs go up to her armpits. She doesn’t make snap negative judgments about things like makeup and short skirts and bra size. She doesn’t stress out about things like body image. Will that come later? I don’t know. I hope not. I pray not. My hope for my daughter, for all my children, is that they keep the same self-love they have right now. That they know that beauty and strength and intelligence come in a myriad of packages…. none more right nor admirable nor desirable than the other.

When I play Barbies with Tegan, the play is never unnaturally focused on their appearance. Yes, she likes to dress them up and do their hair the same way she enjoys doing those things herself. But once they’re ready for their day, it’s about the fun. Like her mom so many years before, she uses her Barbies as a gateway to adventure. The last time we played, Everett joined in too. She assigned us both a Barbie, and happily announced, “They’re going to go camping now!”

And my heart swelled. Surely sky-diving can’t be far behind.

6 Comments

Filed under parenting, self image, Tegan

January 4, 2013 · 9:39 AM

Teganisms

Tegan, 4 years and 10.5 months at the time of this writing (because I’m in denial about my last baby turning 5 soon) is awesome – says her unbiased mom. She’s smart and spunky and beautiful. But what really makes her awesome is the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Just a tiny sample of some of my favorites of late:

“Something extreme is going on here…..”

To the Chipmunks movie promo that told her to “shake her tail”: “But I don’t have a tail! I just have a cute little bottom!”

When I messed up one of her fingernails, during our weekly manicure: “It’s okay. It was an accident. It’s not your fault you’re not as smart as daddy.”

“I tooted twice last night in bed. Both on Daddy.”

“Your butt cheeks are bigger than mine, Mommy.”

“I’m so good at dancing, it’ll make your heart fall out of your brain.”

T, over a year after she potty-trained: “Mommy, can you buy me some Huggies?” Me: “What for?” T: “So I can have drier, happier mornings!”

After walking into the room with a huge scowl on her face: Me: “What’s the matter?” T: “What do you think??” Me: “I don’t know. That’s why I asked.” T, with a dramatic sigh: “Well…. I woke up this morning, and my hair was flat.”

And finally, just last night: “Mommy, how old will you be when I’m nine? About a hundred and sixty?”

I so love this child.

1 Comment

Filed under humor, life, Tegan

October 10, 2012 · 9:00 AM

Fleeting.

“Hold me!”

I could tell by the grin on her face that she wasn’t sick or sad, just needing to be held by mom.

We were in the kitchen, and I was loading the dishwasher, up to my elbows in last night’s dinner.

“Hold me!”

There were a million reasons why I couldn’t pick her up just then. My hands were all wet, and I was just trying to get through the job that one of the boys was going to do – but had forgotten about – the night before. There were other chores to do too, and limited time to do them, before we had to leave for gymnastics later in the day. I was tired, having been up most of the night, and more than a little grumpy. Finally, my shoulder was screaming at me just from moving the heavy ceramic dishes, and I knew I shouldn’t really be lifting anything at the moment, let alone a solid 45-pound little girl.

“Hold me!”

I thought of the conversation we’d had earlier that morning. We’d been laying and laughing in bed, enjoying those few minutes of Mommy/Tegan time before we get up and the day gets away from us. She made a comment about always having to go to the bathroom when she first woke up, which segued into a discussion about babies and diapers and potty training. She’s been asking lots of questions lately about the babyhood she’s shedding behind her.

And I realized as we chatted that it’s been over a year since she’s worn a diaper, even at night.

I can’t remember the last time she nursed.

She hasn’t picked up a binky, which was a favorite companion, in years.

She suddenly chooses to sleep in her own bed just as often as ours.

In short, our baby is growing up. She’s a busy, active, beautiful, spunky four year old. And while I enjoy our relationship now more than ever, I mourn for the fact that an entire season in my life as a mom is over. For the past fifteen years I’ve been pregnant and/or nursing. For fifteen years, I was holding, and wearing, and rocking, and feeding one of my babies. And now I’m not.

It’s one of the biggest cliches of parenting, except…. it’s not a cliche. It’s truth. That time goes so fast. So fast! One minute you’re a 23 year old meeting the tiny 5 pound little person who would first make you a mom, and the next, you’re standing in the kitchen with your four-year old daughter. Your FOURTH child. Who’s asking to be held. And both the gratefulness of having been blessed with all those years and the sadness that they’re over engulf you all at once. They threaten to take your breath away.

“Hold me!”

I dry my hands on a kitchen towel. The girl squeals happily as I scoop her up, hurt shoulder be damned.

I held her for as long as she wanted, until she asked to be put back down to go off on her next adventure. Was it 5 minutes? 20? I lost all track of time, swept up in the fleeting moment of having my baby in my arms once again.

And just like that, it’s over. She’s run to the other room, her moment of needing mom already a thing of the past. I turn back to the dishes, and those big ceramic plates suddenly aren’t so heavy anymore.

9 Comments

Filed under life, parenting, Tegan

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