There’s a new post going around Facebook, in which a mom outlines the response she had when she learned of her daughter participating in the bullying of another student.
Mom must have been devastated. Let me just start there. As a parent, it’s incredibly hurtful to know that your child was the cause of someone else’s pain. I feel for this mom. But her reaction, while no doubt well-intentioned, was… misguided, at best, and will only serve to contribute to the cycle of bullying.
Here’s what the mom shared, what kind of effect it’s likely going to have on her daughter, and what I would have done differently:
The first thing she did was “pull(ed) over in the middle of the street and whoop(ed) that ass.” Next, she walked her into school, and forced her to apologize to the girl she’d bullied. Then, she made sure she was kept inside from recess, where she had to write a letter of apology to the girl’s mother. Finally, she shared the whole story online, so I’m assuming others could “learn” from it. In short, she 1) used physical violence to solve a problem, 2) shamed her daughter in front of her friends/classmates, and 3) shamed her daughter online. If any of those three things were done by another child, we’d all recognize it for what it is: bullying. Why do we have such a hard time recognizing it in adults? And why, when there are so many other options available, do we not only accept said behavior coming from a parent, but we praise it? This mom is now being lauded as mom of the year.
Incidents like this one (and indeed, it’s unfortunately not unique) shine a light on the ever-present hypocrisy of mainstream parenting. Your kid physically hurt someone? Physically hurt them back. Your kid shamed someone? Shame them back. Your kid humiliated someone? Humiliate them back. In as simple of terms as I can put it: This does not discourage bullying behavior. It enforces it. The saddest part of this is that the mom realizes that the key to stopping bullying begins with us as parents… but ironically fails to see how she’s contributing. She ends her post with this:
Parents teach your kids that bullying is not okay!!! Kids are committing suicide these days!!! I WILL NOT RAISE BULLIES AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!! IT STARTS WITH US…. LETS BE AWARE!!!
She and I agree on these points to be sure. Kids do need to learn that bullying is not okay. The suicide rates are staggering and alarming. It does start with us. But you cannot bully a kid into not being a bully. It doesn’t work that way. Bullying your child erodes your relationship, breaks your trust (at a time when they need it more than ever), and overtly teaches them that bullying is okay. Your children learn far more from how you treat them then they could ever learn from your words. Physical punishment, forced insincere apologies, and public humiliation cause more disconnect, more resentment, and more self-esteem issues…. issues that will no doubt surface later in a possible myriad of ways, one of which being: yup, bullying! Hurt people hurt people.
As parents, we have a choice. We can take all our own issues, and baggage, and hurts out on our own kids, and effectively continue the same negative pattern. OR, we can be the grownups, do the work we need to do, and treat our children how we’d like to be treated. The cycle can be broken.
And I know what many of you are thinking: Well that’s all well and good in theory, but WHAT DO I DO if my child is bullying someone?
It’s a fair question, but it’s unfortunately not one I can answer definitively for anyone else. There are no surefire prescribed steps to curb bullying. Kids are different, relationships are different, circumstances are different. If it were my kid though? This is where I’d start:
1) Find out why it’s happening. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Is someone bullying them? A classmate, a teacher, a sibling, a parent? Are they feeling unheard? Anxious? Stressed out? Feeling poorly about themselves? Is it peer pressure? Is something going on at home, or in their lives in general? You cannot even begin to help them until you understand why it’s happening.
2) Listen. Keep an open, safe, line of communication between yourself and your child. Hint: One of the best ways to halt healthy communication is to come out of the gate with harsh words and punishment. If your child is hurting someone else, chances are he’s hurting too. Let him tell you about it. Be his soft place to fall.
3) Talk about how the other person must feel, help your child understand empathy, but don’t force apologies. You can’t make your child feel sorry until/unless he IS, and forcing the issue is going to cause even more resentment (possibly towards you, and possibly toward the one to whom he’s delivering the apology) An insincere apology is just empty words. If my child was unkind to someone else, *I* would be sure to apologize – because I would absolutely be sorry – to both the child and the parent. I would tell them I was sorry, and let them know that I wasn’t going to ignore the situation.
4) Model appropriate relationships and kind behavior. I will say it again. Your kids learn far more from your behavior than from any words you could ever say. Show them what kindness looks like. Show them what friendship looks like. Show them what respect looks like. Don’t make fun of others. Say you’re sorry when it’s warranted. Treat people (including your own children!) the way you’d like to be treated.
5) Connect. Above almost all else, a child who is bullying someone else is needing a healthy connection. Be that person for your child. Be the person that your child trusts with his big scary feelings. Be the person your child can count on, unconditionally, no matter what. Be the port in your child’s storm. Nurture your relationship. Make it a priority. Make your child a priority.
A child who is acting out with unkindness towards someone else already has some pretty big upheaval going on. He NEEDS you to stay calm, he needs you to help him problem solve, he needs you to talk to him, to listen to him, to love him. He does NOT need to be shamed, or humiliated, or physically harmed. Most of us recognize that that wasn’t the right course of action for the daughter in this story…. so why on earth would it be the right course of action for a parent?
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There’s an article getting passed around on social media right now titled, “5 Phrases That Will Make Your Kids Stop Crying and Begging.” The author sets the stage of a child who’s upset because she wasn’t allowed to get the candy she wanted at the grocery store. Using phrases such as “Asked and answered,” “This conversation is over,” and “The decision has been made. If you ask again there will be a consequence” will halt such tantrums on the spot, she tells us, and remind the child who’s boss. By the way – and I hope it’s not too much of a spoiler alert – when she says, “consequence”, what she really means is “punishment”.
Now I tend to be a parent who says, “yes” as much as possible. An occasional cookie or two before dinner, or an inexpensive impulse buy at the checkout lane don’t really rank on my list of things on which to draw a hard line. But even if they did? Even during those moments when I do absolutely have to say “no” to something? (And yes, to be sure, there are moments when I need to say no) That is a time to help them learn to work through their disappointment in a healthy way. It’s a time to hear them, and to empathize with them. It is NOT a time to ignore their feelings and shut them down. It is not a time for punishing them for being human. Being sad or disappointed sometimes is normal and okay!
Approaches like the one outlined in this article not only teach a child to squash their emotions. They are also extremely adversarial, and set up an “us vs them” mentality between parent and child. While some parents would advise that it’s simply a matter of learning to pick your battles, I never want to view any interaction with my child as a battle. We’re on the same team!
Here then are five alternative things I might say when my child is crying or disappointed.
I’m sorry.
When a dear friend is venting to you because he got passed over for a promotion, do you shut him down with a “This conversation is over”? Of course not. You tell him you’re sorry. To a toddler, that cookie is just as important as the promotion, and his feelings of sadness are real. I think adults probably tend to forget that, because social media has made it so easy for parents to share and pass off children’s big feelings over seemingly small things as funny or cute. But their feelings are genuine, and because they are young, they know no other way to express them other than through crying or yelling. As a parent you can either shut them down and essentially tell them to stop feeling what they’re feeling, or you can help them work through it, and by extension eventually learn more mature or sophisticated ways of expressing their emotions. I always strive to go with the latter, and it all starts with empathy.
I hear you.
Or I know, or it really stinks. I’ve been in and out of doctors’ offices a lot this year, especially the last few months. And while some of my symptoms are things that the doctor can see, or quantify on paper, some are completely subjective (like pain and fatigue.) This past week, one of my doctors said the best thing I’d heard in months. She said – and meant – “I believe you.” Seriously, it was huge for me. Anyone who’s ever suffered from a mystery ailment knows how incredibly frustrating it is to think that everyone around you is starting to believe that you’re just crazy. I think that one of the biggest things we need and desire as humans sharing this world is just to be heard. We want to know that someone is listening, that they are hearing what we are saying, and that they understand. Children are no different. Telling them that you’re sorry is a great place to start, but when you tell them that you hear them… that you understand… that YES, I know you wanted that cookie and it really sucks sometimes when we don’t get what we want… you’re taking it one step further, you’re validating their feelings, and you’re letting them know that you get it. That is a hugely powerful and healing thing, to kids and adults alike.
It’s okay to be sad.
Did you ever notice how often adults apologize for crying? They’ll be engaged in a conversation, and be overcome with emotion. They’ll well up, or a tear will escape, and they’ll shake their head and mutter, “I’m sorry,” while quickly brushing the tears away. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because it’s such a common practice to tell kids to stop crying. Are we creating a whole society of emotionally stunted adults? It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry. Giving your child a safe space to feel what they feel, and letting them know – whether through words or actions – that what they’re feeling is okay goes a long way towards helping them work through their emotions.
How can I help?
A couple of weeks ago, Tegan (7 at the time of this writing) was terribly disappointed about a cancelled play date and sleepover that she’d been so looking forward to for days. It had been a long time since I’d seen her that disappointed about something. She didn’t want to play, didn’t want to use the computer (ordinarily one of her favorite things) and didn’t want to talk to any friends. I hugged her, told her how sorry I was, and finally asked, “Do you want to do something with me to take your mind off it, or do you just need to be sad?” She answered, “I just need to be sad.” So she was. I sat with her on the couch, and I gave her space to be sad. I think our first response too often tends to err on the side of trying to cheer someone up, probably because we’re uncomfortable with expressions of big feelings (see number 3). But sometimes what a person needs is to just be sad. And sometimes they do want to be cheered up! The only way to know for sure is to ask, and in the case of a younger child, read and respect what they’re telling you non-verbally.
Next time….
In the case of the cancelled sleepover, there really wasn’t anything I could do to make it better, other than tell her I was sure we’d be able to reschedule for another time. (We were, and we did, and she had a great time). Sometimes though, depending on the child and the circumstance, it can be helpful to be specific about future plans:
“Next time we come to the store, we’ll get a balloon.”
“Payday is Friday, so we can get ice cream then.”
“We don’t have time to stop at the playground today, but we can go this weekend.” Etc.
And then be sure to follow through! The foundation of a good relationship with your children – of a good relationship with anyone – is trust, and letting them know 1) that you’re on their side, and 2) that your word is good goes a long way towards establishing that trust.
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Our interactions with our children should never be about manipulation and control. They should be about connection, and about helping these little people entrusted in our care to navigate the world with kindness, compassion and respect. Dealing with, and working through, emotions is a big part of being human, so the last thing we want to do is deny our children that experience…. especially when they can do it with their most trusted adult at their side.
I have four kids who’ve never been spanked. I would like to say that they’ve never been punished at all, but while we’d resolved from the very beginning not to physically hurt our children, moving away from punishments completely took a little more time. Thankfully, our youngest three have grown up with no punishments of any kind (which, as it always stands to be said again, is not the same thing as growing up without discipline. The two words are not synonymous.)
For lots of other families though, the decision comes much later…. after they’ve already used spankings and/or timeouts and other traditional parenting methods. They’re convicted by something they’ve read, or by a friend or family member, or maybe just because they feel an inner stirring that something isn’t right. Whatever the reason, they resolve to stop spanking and punishing, and feel really confident about their decision.
And then – not always, but often – there’s that moment of sheer panic.
One question that I get a lot, in various forms, is this:
If I don’t spank, what do I do?
And I get it. I do. It’s one thing to embrace a philosophy, and quite another to feel equipped in that moment when your child sticks a pen through a sofa cushion just to see what will happen… or shoves (another) sandwich into the slot in the VCR… or throws her brothers shoes into a lake… *
The question is a good one, and the answer far too involved to fully cover in one blog post. My hope is that the following list will serve as a good place to start.
1. Change your perspective.
The reason that there’s no one single answer to the question, “What do you do instead of spanking?” is that moving away from punishments requires an entirely new mindset. It’s not a one-for-one deal. Punishments (and their cousins, rewards) reduce your interaction with your children to a transaction: you apply some sort of prescribed action, and you – hopefully – get a desired result. But that’s not the way respectful relationships work. At least it shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t try to control your children through punishment, fear, and manipulation tactics any more than you should do so to your spouse, or sister, or best friend. So while it is imperative that you learn and practice peaceful tools for dealing with stressful situations (more on that in point two), your entire perspective also needs to shift before you can really understand gentle parenting. It’s not about control; it’s about connection. It’s not about rules; it’s about relationships. You’re going to have to ask yourself, possibly over and over again, “Is what I’m about to do/say going to bring me and my child closer together, or draw us further apart?” But wait, that sounds like work. Wouldn’t it be easier just to spank? Well… yes! It takes time, and care, and effort to parent without punishments. In order to commit to parenting with more mindfulness and respect you need to be all in. You need to realize and recognize that your children aren’t yours to control, but are their own unique, living, breathing HUMANS, who deserve to be treated with as much care and consideration as you’d extend to any other person that you loved. The parent/child relationship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. And just like any key relationship, it needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy and strong. Shifting your focus to your relationship with your child – and to making it sweeter, and kinder, and gentler – takes effort, to be sure, but it is by far one of the most rewarding things you can do….. for you and your child both.
2. Equip yourself with positive tools.
So you’re working on changing your perspective, you’re focused on the relationship… and then the 2 year old gets angry and hurls a remote control at her brother’s head. What do you do? The nice thing is that the more connected you are with your child, the easier it is to react with patience in the moment. You’ll know your child, you’ll know yourself, and you’ll figure out how best to problem-solve together. Before you can problem-solve though, you need to diffuse the immediate issue. Here are a few great places to start:
Breathe. It sounds like a cliche, but it’s not. Unless someone’s in imminent danger, your very first response (especially if you’re angry or frustrated) needs to be breathing! Take a deep breath before you speak. Take 20, or 100. Intentional breathing sends oxygen through your body, releases endorphins, slows your heart rate, calms your adrenaline, and reduces stress and anxiety.
Listen. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Really stop and listen to what your child is trying to tell you. Are they tired? Frustrated? Angry? Not feeling heard? Just experimenting? Find out the WHY behind the behavior, and you’ll know better how to proceed.
Empathize. One of the most powerful and healing gifts someone can give us is empathy, and children are no exception. Let them know that you hear what they’re saying, and that you understand how they’re feeling.
Redirect. So much of what young children are punished for is completely normal and age-appropriate explorations. Children learn from these explorations, so the last thing we want to do is punish them for it! Instead, when your child does something unsafe, unkind, etc, consistently stop the behavior with a simple explanation (the younger the child, the fewer the words you should use), and move them on to a new activity. With time and patience – and a parent by their side – they learn.
Take a time-IN. Sometimes, what everyone needs is a change of scenery. Pretty much the opposite of a time-out, which separates you from your child at a moment when they’re most needing connection, a time-in gives you both a chance to breathe, re-group, and get re-connected, together. A time-in can consist of any sort of new activity that you and your child find enjoyable. There’s a long list of suggestions here.
3. Walk beside them as they learn to safely navigate the world.
One of the things that I hear people say a lot is that they only spank for the most serious of infractions, such as safety issues. I call it the, “But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” defense. And it sounds reasonable enough. If ever there was a time to spank, it’d be when their life was on the line, right? But I couldn’t disagree more. I actually think that safety issues are one of the weakest arguments for spanking, and here’s why: any good parent’s gut instinct is going to tell them to react, and react in a hurry, if their child is in harm’s way. Your toddler’s headed for a busy street, you react. Your baby’s about to stick a fork into an electrical outlet, you react. And your facial expression, your words, your tone of voice, and your body language as you quickly move them to safety teach them everything they need to know…. without teaching them that they also need to fear pain at your hands as they’re learning. Navigate life with them. Hold their hands when they cross the street. Show them how to safely carry scissors and make toast and start a fire. Help them keep their footing on the rocky trail. BE THERE with them as they figure out how life works, and they will naturally gain confidence and independence, all without ever having been punished for getting it wrong.
4. Show them what respect looks like.
Along the same lines as number 3, children are not born knowing how to interact respectfully with the people around them. They count on us as their parents to show them. They don’t need punishments to learn that words are more effective than hitting for solving conflicts. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s unkind to call somebody stupid. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s impolite to tell Grandma that the dinner she spent two hours making tastes “gross.” What they need is a parent who shows up; who shows them what it means to be respectful; who intervenes when they’re doing something that makes someone else feel sad, or scared, or uncomfortable; who interacts with them, and for them as they learn the intricacies of sharing our planet with others. One of the biggest misconceptions that I think people have about gentle parenting is that it is the same thing as permissive parenting. The two are actually polar opposites. One is conscientious, and the other is neglect. If you see a parent who is sitting back and just watching as her child does something that is disrespectful or somehow harmful to someone else… that is not a gentle parent. That is someone who is failing to be a parent.
Show up. Be there. Help them navigate.
5. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s ALL small stuff).
A couple of years ago, a video went around Facebook that showed the aftermath of two unattended kids with a 5 lb bag of flour. There was flour all down the hallway. On the couches. On the chairs. On the kids. In the carpet. In the drapes. Flour everywhere. All five pounds of it. Part of me for sure felt sympathy for the mom who filmed it because I’ve been there. And oof. The clean-up. But another part me said, “Eh. Small stuff.” If you’re going to have kids, you’re going to have messes. Things are going to be broken and spilled and smeared and dumped and spread. It’s all part of the experience. And the greatest thing I learned between child one and child four (besides to stop and take a picture before I do anything else, because those photos are treasured later) is that that stuff just doesn’t matter. People matter. Love matters. Messes, accidents…. it’s all just “stuff.” Not worth getting upset over, and certainly not worth yelling or punishing over. And just like with anything else, with time and patience and consistency, they really do learn to keep the flour in the bag.
6. Know their triggers (and yours).
Stop me if this sounds familiar. You head out bright and early with your toddler to run a long list of errands. You know he’s going to be missing his morning nap, but he’ll catch a few minutes of sleep in the car. He’s pretty amiable for the first few stops. He helps pick out the apples at the grocery store. He enjoys his lollipop from the bank teller. He starts getting antsy at the dry cleaners, pulling at your pant legs, whining, and rubbing his eyes. Back in the car, you reach in your bag to get his little tupperware container of Cheerios, but realize you left it on the kitchen counter. You know you should probably head home, but you decide to squeeze in just one more stop. You’re in the drug store when he reaches meltdown mode. He cries when you pick him up, and cries harder when you set him down. Tired, hungry, bored, and overstimulated, he doesn’t want to walk, doesn’t want to be carried, and eventually settles for sitting on the floor as the tears fall and the screams escalate.
We’ve all got our triggers. And we’ve all got our breaking points. If adults get cranky and unreasonable when they’re tired and hungry (and we all know adults for whom this is the case, or we *are* an adult for whom this is the case) how much more understandable is it for a child? Taking care to ensure that basic needs are met, that kids are fed and rested and attended to can go a long way towards more peaceful outings and more pleasant interactions for all. My kids are older now – at the time of this writing they are 18, 15, 11, and 7 – but even now I know who isn’t at their happiest in the mornings. I know who is very sensitive to the feeling of being left out. I know who works best when their surroundings are neat and tidy. I know who has a hard time handling even a small lack of sleep. Being aware, and respectful of, both our own triggers and the triggers of our children allows us to treat each other with more care, and more kindness. It is categorically unfair, not to mention incredibly unkind, to ignore someone’s personal “buttons”, and then punish them for the reaction that we knew was coming.
7. Practice the golden rule.
A lot of parents seem want to want to demand respect from their children, just because they’re the adults, but don’t treat their children in a manner that’s particularly deserving of that respect. The age-old adage of treating others the way you’d like to be treated yourself applies not just equally, but more when it comes to your children. They are looking to you as their example. They are learning from you how to treat people. If you want your children to be respectful, treat them with respect. If you want your children to be polite, be polite when you speak to them (and to each other!). If you want your children to embody kindness and compassion and humility and generosity, show them what it looks like.
8. Take care of YOU.
There seems to be a general push by society to get away from your kids. From the importance of regular “date nights”, to putting them in daycare and preschool at a young age, to extended vacations without them… there’s no shortage of advice telling us to separate. I tend to believe the opposite: I think it’s very important that we’re with our kids as much as possible (especially when they’re young), and that true independence will happen naturally and easily when it’s allowed to happen on their time, not ours.
That doesn’t mean though that I don’t think self-care is important! On the contrary, it’s almost impossible to properly care for someone else when you’re not first taking good care of yourself. Even when you need to force yourself – or more accurately, especially when you need to force yourself – caring for your own needs (be they physical, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative….) is an integral part of parenting well. I can’t speak for all moms, but I find it way too easy to lose myself in my kids, and go go go until I’m exhausted and cranky and burnt out. And I learned somewhere along the way that when the kids and I get off-track, when people are out of sorts, when behavior starts getting wonky…. nine times out of ten it’s because I’ve been neglecting myself, which then caused me to be snippy and impatient and disconnected. When I focus on taking better care of me, I’m able to then have the proper wherewithal to give my kids what they need as well. Kids need a parent who is fully invested. And in another cliche that’s turned out to be true: You can’t fill your kids’ cups until you’ve filled your own.
[color-box] BONUS: Looking for more specific suggestions for when your child hits, or tells you “no”, or has a hard time transitioning? Download my free PDF, listing ten of the most common (and most frustrating) toddler/young child behaviors, along with specific examples of what you can say and how you can respond gently and without punishment. [/color-box]
Moving beyond punishment, and parenting with connection instead of control, takes deliberate and mindful choices, as well as an ongoing commitment and effort (at times, a lot of effort). And the reward is not in some hypothetical promise of how my kids are going to “turn out” some day. No, the beauty of gentle parenting is in the relationship that I enjoy with my kids right now… a relationship that’s sweeter and closer and more connected than I know it would be otherwise. Having children that are kind hearted and respectful and compassionate? That’s just a bonus.
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P.S. I am working on a month long, premium course that dives much deeper into each of the eight points above. Make sure you’re on my mailing list if you’d like to receive a notification of its release.
* Examples may or may not have been taken from my own life.
I was just wondering what your thoughts are on young girls and makeup? I never really thought it was an issue, but I am seeing more young celebrities wear more and more makeup and society is lashing out on them calling them awful names just for some mascara and lipstick! Will you limit how much and at which age your daughter can wear makeup?? I am torn.
I love this question, because I just happen to have a young daughter who loves makeup. Because she’s multi-faceted like the rest of us, Tegan (seven years old at the time of this writing) loves lots of things. She loves playing with her friends. She loves singing and dancing and jumping on the trampoline. She loves video games. She loves swimming. She loves playing in the mud. She loves making things with her hands. She loves being my cookie dough taste-taster.
And she loves makeup.
She posted this on Instagram with the caption, “I did my makeup all by myself!”
She is garnering quite the collection of her own, and loves to experiment with mine as well. She comes racing into the room every time my Ipsy subscription comes each month, and we sample it all together, product by product. She loves putting it on herself, but she loves making up others as well…. myself, and even her dad and/or brothers when they’re feeling in the mood to let her.
Makeup is fun. It’s expressive. It’s an innocent exploration. It’s a way to experiment with creativity, with different moods, with different looks. It’s art! Yes, children (and adults) are beautiful without it – and Tegan knows that as well as anyone – but there is nothing wrong with feeling beautiful with makeup as well. There’s been a lot of vilification of makeup lately, and to be honest, I’ve grown really tired of it. It’s just makeup! Do we really need to continue to have the same conversation about looking at people’s hearts, rather than at their packaging?
Save for some lip gloss she snags from my purse, Tegan very very rarely has any makeup on outside the house. She’s seven; she’s busy. When we’re running out the door for a play date or the ice cream shop or Target, she throws on some pants, slides into her Hello Kitty flip flops and she’s good to go. She’ll usually brush her teeth. Sometimes, if she’s still wearing her breakfast on her face, I’ll ask her to go grab a wash cloth. Makeup has so far remained a mostly at-home pursuit, when she’s relaxed and unhurried and has time to experiment. But – to answer the original question – will I limit how much and at what age she can wear makeup? No, I won’t. That’s her decision. Despite the futility of the emotion, I do sometimes worry about my kids, for various reasons. Whether or not, or how much, or when, or why Tegan wears makeup never makes the list.
I was recently following a thread on Facebook about little girls and makeup. Even now, days later, I cringe as I think about it. We adults have some pretty big hangups. There was one mom, adamant that her daughter not wear makeup until she was 18, who vowed that she wouldn’t have her child walking around looking like those “dance moms'” young daughters, the ones who look like “hoochie mama little whores.”
………….
Surely, I can’t be the only one who recognizes that the red flag in that statement is not the fact that children are wearing makeup, but that an adult thinks it’s okay to ever ascribe those kinds of words to a child? I did dance recitals as a kid. I remember the lights, and the music, and the fluttery feeling in my stomach. I remember my mom taming my hair into long curly pigtails, and I remember the makeup. Eye makeup, lipstick, blush. Oh how I loved the blush! I do not remember being made to feel like there was somehow something wrong with me wearing makeup at that age. I was a kid! I was innocent…. feeling pretty and glamorous and wonderful just as I was.
Just the way Tegan feels now. Just the way kids should always feel. Makeup or no makeup.
We’re screwing this up, parents. Makeup’s not evil. In fact makeup, like so very many other things, is a neutral until you assign meaning to it. It’s powder and cream and pigment. When kids are first happy and healthy and whole, makeup is not a problem. Grown women calling children who wear it “hoochie mama little whores”?
I read an article this morning that outlined the many ways the author felt that parents were creating “entitled and rude” children. This isn’t about one specific article though (such articles are a dime a dozen. If you Googled, “entitled children” you’d have no shortage of results). It’s not even about dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of articles. It’s about this pernicious and widespread belief that children need to be FORCED into being grateful, and generous, and kind…. as if such a thing were even possible.
Is there a problem with entitlement in our society today? Sure, although I’d argue that it’s more prevalent among adults than children. But the answer to the problem isn’t more rules; it’s more connection.
Less coercion; more compassion.
Less demanding; more listening.
Less requiring; more modeling.
If mainstream media is to be believed, the key to raising “good” kids lies in things like strict bedtimes, prompted “please” and “thank you’s”, forced household chores, and making darn sure you don’t buy them everything they want. Many of these articles would be more appropriate advice for an employer/employee relationship than that of parent and child.
What I believe is a little bit a lot different. And while I can’t speak for any other kids out there, I can speak for my own, who are pretty much the opposite of entitled and rude.
Here then are twelve parental strategies that I do stand behind, every one of which I believe contributes to raising children who are gracious, generous and kind.
1. DO be generous with them. There is much ado made about not buying your children the latest and greatest gadgets, toys, and electronics, lest they become too spoiled. And yes, absolutely, buying “things” in place of your time and attention is problematic. But if we want our children to grow up to be giving and generous to those around them, wouldn’t it only make sense that we are first giving and generous towards them? It’s human nature to want to give to those we love. As parents, we’re in the unique position of being able to give through our time, our presence, our love, and, when circumstances permit it, through the various material things that make life more fun, interesting, and enriching. I love being able to give to my children, whether it’s picking up their favorite kind of juice at the grocery store, or surprising them with a wished-for video game snuck into their Christmas stocking. I couldn’t imagine actually withholding something from my children – or from anyone for that matter – just to teach them some kind of lesson.
2. DO let them see you being generous to others. A popular blogger recently posted a video of herself leaving food for a homeless person. While I definitely don’t think that those sorts of things are meant to be made public, I do think that it’s wonderful – and important – to involve your children in the giving you do to others. Let them see how it’s a part of your day-to-day life. Take them with you when you volunteer. Talk to them about what it means to truly share with the people around you. Show them ways you can bless other people. I am a huge, huge fan of Christmas, and exchanging gifts with loved ones. But for the past several years, my favorite part of the holidays has been deciding who to gift outside of our own little circle, and it is a family decision every time. Kids don’t need to be told, or coerced, or forced into giving to others. They just need to see it.
3. DO treat them how you want to be treated. Sometimes I fear I will sound like a broken record, because it’s something I repeat so often. But mindful and gentle parenting can be summed up in this one little point. If you want your kids to be kind, show them kindness. If you want your kids to be respectful, show them respect. If you want your kids to be polite, show them what it means to be polite. If you want your kids to be generous, show them generosity. So often parents want to demand respect from their kids, without stopping and asking themselves if they’ve even showed them what true respect looks like. As parents, we are the first and biggest influence on how our children treat others. Be nice to your kids, especially if you’re going to expect them to be nice to others.
4. DO be their soft place to fall. Life is sometimes full of foibles and disappointments… from the small (the movie you desperately wanted to see is sold out; you failed your math test), to the major (your long-term relationship ends; you get laid off at work), to the vast chasm in between (you get cut from the basketball team; you drop and break your $600 phone). Over and over I see parents cautioned against trying to “fix” their child’s problems or disappointments. We should let them fail, we’re told, because it builds character. Because they’ll be better for it in the long run. Because they need to learn life isn’t always fair. Well, life isn’t always fair; this much is true. And we can’t always fix everything for our kids. What we can do? We can be there for them, every time. We can be that soft place to land. We can be that shoulder to cry on. We can be the one to give them the time and space they need to process. We can be the one, when the situation lends itself, to help them figure out what to do next. And they, in turn, will become the ones who will be that person for someone else.
5. DO be their friend. Oh what a bad rap that word gets when it comes to parenting! But a friend is simply someone who is there for you. Someone you can trust. Someone who listens. Someone who encourages you, cheers you on, and holds your hand. Someone who gives honest advice. Someone who has seen you at your best, and your worst. Someone who lets you be you, and loves you unconditionally. I will always, always be that person for my kids, with no disclaimers and no apologies.
6. DO let them have a voice. I think that one of the most important things we can do for our kids is to empower them to form their own opinions, forge their own paths, and make as many of their own decisions as possible, so that – among so many other reasons – they know they are valued, they can gain confidence in themselves, and they will have the ability to stand up for what is right. To that end, my kids are always free to say anything to me. They have a voice in this house, and everyone’s voice matters. We don’t operate our home as a dictatorship, but as a TEAM. If my kids are sad or scared or frustrated or angry, I want to know about it! I want to honor it, and I want them to know that we will always provide that safe place for them to express themselves…. no matter what it is they may be in need of expressing.
7. DO listen to them. Let them know that what’s important to them is important to you, whether they’re talking about Barbies or a TV show or a special rock they found outside.Kids generally desperately want to invite you into their world. Accept their invitation! It’s not just important for your relationship right now, it’s also an investment into the relationship that you want to continue to grow stronger and closer into the future as your children mature. “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ~ Catherine M Wallace
8. DO spend time with them. At the time of this writing, my children are 18, nearly 15, 11, and 7. I’ve lately been going through the profoundly bittersweet realization that my role in their lives is changing. We still spend time together (one of my very favorite things to do is to go watch arena football games, and it recently occurred to me that one of the big reasons why is that it is something all six of us still do together as a family) We still enjoy spending time together. But it is in a wholly different way than during the toddler years, when I was largely their main companion. It’s a cliche, but those years really do go by so fast. So, sofast! If I could give just one piece of advice to new parents, it would often be: Have the tea parties. Play dress-up. Jump on the trampoline. Get on the floor with the legos and the ponies and the Matchbox cars. Spend hours coloring in the sheet fort in the living room. Play with your kids. Show up, and really be there. One day you’ll blink and they’ll be teenagers, opting to stay home to hold down the fort and take care of the pets while you take the two little ones camping. They’ll start spreading their wings – and it’ll be good! But oh, so bittersweet.
9. DO let them know that extrinsic rewards such as grades, fancy degrees, and big paychecks are not how they should define their worth. We have homeschooled since day one. My children have never been to school, and I have never bought into the system that says that you can measure progress or intelligence or knowledge by a letter grade on a test. My kids – and yours! – are so much more than that. They’re more than a GPA. They’re more than an ivy league school. They’re more than a BMW parked in the driveway. I don’t ever want my children to use any of the above as a yardstick to measure other people, so I’m not going to start by using it as yardstick to measure them. I want them to see the people beneath the fluff. I want them to see the things that you can’t put down on paper. The things that aren’t listed on report cards. The things that matter. I want them to see hearts. Kindness. Generosity. Determination. Strength. Resiliency. Joy. I don’t want them to aspire to be what the world defines as “successful”, but to what they define as successful. They have their own paths, and the best thing I can do as their mother is honor it. Encourage it. Support it. NOT stifle it by trying to manipulate or force them into a box of my own choosing.
To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
~Emerson
10. DON’T punish them for being kids. Better yet, don’t punish them at all. A writer friend of mine has likened young children to aliens. The first time I saw that comparison, I’ll admit it caused a bonafide head tilt. But the analogy is actually pretty spot-on. Children are brand-new to this planet. They’re learning how to navigate the world. They’re learning how to get what they want. They’re learning how polite society works. They’re learning how to communicate. They’re learning how to handle frustration. They’re learning how to treat others. Our job as parents is to patiently and lovingly stand beside them and guide them and be their partner in learning. Punishing a child who’s still learning (and we’re all still learning) is unkind at best, and incredibly damaging at worst. Instead, work with your child, not against him. Help him problem-solve. A child who is having a tantrum, for example, is trying to tell you something. Lean into the moment and truly listen.
Discipline is helping a child solve a Problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solution not retribution.
11. DON’T try to force them to be kind or have good manners. I always cringe a little bit when I hear a well-meaning parent chirping at their child with, “What do you say??” when they think a “thank you” is warranted. It feels awkward and embarrassing and – ironically – not particularly polite. If you want your child to use “please” and “thank you”… use “please” and “thank you” with your child. If you want your child to interact respectfully with family members and strangers and waiters and bus drivers and mailmen and doctors, interact respectfully yourself. If you want your children to be generous and kind and patient… if you want them to listen to others, to respect each other’s differences, to be caring and thoughtful in their interactions… show them what that looks like. There is no greater influence in a child’s life (or at least there shouldn’t be!) than the one he experiences in his own home. That’s where it all starts. Let him live it. Let him experience it. The only way a child can pass on loving kindness to someone else is if he first knows what it feels like to receive it.
12. DON’T treat them like second-class citizens. I saved this one for last because it’s at once the most important concept to understand, and for many people the most difficult. Our society has been so ingrained to think that it is normal and okay that most people never even question it. Most people never even see it. Our children are not ours to micromanage, control, or manipulate. They’re not house pets that need to be trained, nor robots that need to be programmed. I always find it so ironic that articles proclaiming to show you how to raise respectful kids often prescribe such blatantly disrespectful behavior on the parents’ part. Children are human beings that we have invited into our lives. They didn’t ask to be here. They are our invited guests.Our job as parents isn’t to shape them or mold them but to love them. Honor them. Respect them. Listen to them. SHOW them what it means to walk in kindness and love. SHOW them what it means to navigate the world with respect for self, and respect for others. SHOW them what it means to be a person of value (hint: they’re a person of value right now. So am I. So are you.)
Parenting well is about love. It’s always been about love. Somewhere along the way the love got lost amongst the rules. The requirements. The rigidity. The idea that our kids are somehow our property, instead of what they actually are: living, breathing, heart beats and souls walking around the earth, deserving of as much respect as anyone else. Except, more respect actually, because they are our children.
Want to raise kids that are loving and kind? Immerse them in love and kindness.
I have two childhood memories related to swearing. To set it up, I have to say first that I was a GOOD kid. And when I say, “good kid”, I don’t particularly mean that in a positive way. I was a perfectionist. I was a people pleaser, often to a fault. I cared too much what others thought of me. I didn’t want to cause any problems, didn’t want anyone to be mad at me. Swearing in any capacity was so far outside of my realm of consciousness that it was almost inconceivable. Nice girls didn’t do that.
And then one day I got really mad at a tree. I have zero recollection about why I was mad at a tree (knowing me I’d probably just accidentally walked face first into its trunk) but I was mad. Like, really really mad. So I swore – or at least, what I considered a swear at the time – for what I believe was the first time in my life. What I said didn’t even make sense, as inexperienced as I was with the practice. I knew I wanted something stronger than, “Stupid tree!” , and probably meant to say, “Damn tree.” But, no…. what I said, with great gusto I might add, was “This hell tree!” Thirty something years later, the writer in me cringes. Anyway, my sister, who was clearly in a “let’s make each other’s lives miserable” instead of a “let’s be best friends” phase, immediately reacted with shock, followed rapidly with an “I’m telling Mom!!!” Feeling instant remorse, and wanting to beat my sister to the punch, I immediately ran to my mother, almost in tears. “Mom……” Sad face. Ugly cry. Self flagellation. “I said a bad word… ” She responded with something along the lines of, “Well, as long you’re sorry, and you know not to do it again…..” and then it was over. The lesson learned? Profanity – even the most awkwardly and incorrectly used mild profanity – was indeed highly shameful, and was not to be repeated.
A few years later, I read a book by Judy Blume called Forever. I don’t know if anyone remembers that book, but it was a big. deal. when I was a tween. It was a coming of age story, an account of a girl’s first sexual experience, and the kind of book that we whispered and giggled about in the hallways. I hid my copy in my book bag. There’s a scene in the book where the main girl’s younger sister says the word, “fuck”, and her sister responds like a big sister and scolds her, and the younger girl basically says, “That’s not a bad word. Hate and war are bad words, but fuck isn’t.” It seems silly now, but that simple quote pretty much blew my naive little 12 year old mind, and forever colored the way I viewed profanity. Hate and war are bad words. Fuck isn’t. What if it really wasn’t a bad word? IS there such a thing as bad words? (I’ll get back to that question later.) I basically decided then and there that I agreed with this fictional character: They’re just words. But because I was still such a people pleaser, it would be many more years before I would experiment with using any of them myself.
These days, though my blog generally stays by-and-large profanity free (for no other reason than I just don’t usually feel like I need to use them) I do use stronger language in “real life”; at least when I’m around trusted friends, and/or in the safety of my kitchen. I’m not so much a fan of the F word as I am of variations of the word, “ass.” Ass waffle is a current favorite. I realize that it sounds juvenile, but perhaps it’s in homage to the poor girl who couldn’t bring herself to say the word “hell” without bursting into tears.
My kids, who I swore would not be brought up to be ashamed of everything like I was, all generally choose not to swear. Sure, they’ve experimented here and there, and they’re always free to ask questions, but we’ve just never made it a big deal…. so it never became a big deal.
They’re just words.
Sometimes I use them. Sometimes their dad uses them. We’ve had an open and honest dialogue about language their entire lives, just like we have about everything else. Here are a few things I want my kids to know about swearing (besides the number one rule: If you’re going to use one, at least use it correctly.)
In no particular order:
1. It’s always kind and respectful to think about the people around you.
(AKA Don’t swear around grandma) The language you choose should be a way to express yourself, not a way to hurt or horrify other people. Being aware of your surroundings matters. Time and place matters. How you treat people matters. Don’t use your words to hurt others, and don’t be so inflexible with your language that you fail to be polite when the situation calls for it. Having said that…… :
2. The person who’s ultimately in charge of what you say and how you say it is YOU.
I spent a lot of years letting other people make my decisions. As an adult, I won’t do it anymore. The thing you need to understand is that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between being kind and mindful of the people around you, and living your life for someone else. The first is always a good idea. The second is never a good idea. The words you choose to use… whether you’re angry and frustrated or happy and excited… are yours. You get to choose how you want to express yourself, and how you want to represent yourself in any given moment.
3. Not swearing doesn’t automatically make you virtuous. Swearing doesn’t automatically make you cool.
Being yourself makes you cool, wherever you may fall on the continuum. I know kids and adults alike who like to use certain language just for shock value, just as a part of a put-upon persona. And yes, everyone’s choices are their own, but in my humble opinion, swearing when it’s not authentic to you doesn’t make you sound cooler or tougher or more badass. It just sounds silly and disingenuous. Likewise, saying something benign like “oh darn” when you really want to yell, “shit!”? You’re not fooling anyone. Be yourself, and be REAL…. in word, thought, and action. To do otherwise is like using big words just to sound smarter. It doesn’t work that way.
4. You can’t judge a person’s worth/intelligence/moral standing based on whether or not they swear.
I have heard people say that profanity makes a person sound less intelligent, and/or like a “bad” person in some way. Both are nonsense. Making that kind of snap decision about someone you don’t know is a reflection on you, not them. Some of the kindest, biggest hearted, most intelligent people I know have mouths like sailors, and if I’d written them off based on their language choices I would have been missing out! I want my kids to judge people on their HEARTS, not on how proficient they are with the F word. I want my kids to know that a good and loving message peppered with profanity is still a good and loving message. I want my kids to realize that most words are actually neutral, and that it’s how you use them that may make them good or bad.
Which brings me to:
5. If you must categorize words as good and bad, place the blame where the blame is due.
The real bad words are words that are unkind and hurtful. Words that make fun of someone else. Words that aim to cut someone else down. Words that disparage a person’s intelligence, appearance, worth. Words that are racist. Sexist. Misogynistic. Homophobic. Words that are hateful. Those are the bad words.
I think of this a lot when I think of the people who’ve been unkind to me because of something I’ve written on my blog. I’ve been sworn at. I’ve been called disgusting things. People have used all different levels of profanity to express their displeasure at my existence. But the one that stands out the most, the person who expressed the most hatred towards me…. was someone who would NEVER use profanity of any kind. She actually liked to use bible verses, and lots of emoticons, and flowery, “good” language. And yet she was more hurtful towards me than I think anyone’s ever been, right up through her parting shot of, “I feel sorry for your husband and kids for having to live with someone as awful as you” before I finally decided I’d had enough and blocked her. Her words dripped with hatred.
You don’t have to use “bad words” to use bad words.
And absolutely, the two things are not mutually exclusive by any means. I have some lovely, dear friends who would never speak unkindly to someone, AND who’d never use profanity. Friends who likely cringed through some of the words in this post. (Sorry.) I respect and so admire you for being true to yourself…. and also for your ability to be able to tell a whole complete story without having to punctuate it with a four letter word. I love you, and I love who you are.
But.
if I had to choose between spending time with a person who was unkind and used “clean” words, and a person who was loving and happened to use salty language?
This cracked me up. I did a similar one once before, a few years ago, and when I recently saw this come through my Facebook feed I thought it’d be fun to do it again. This is a series of questions I asked the kids, and their uncensored answers…. along with some commentary along the way. I asked them in the order their names appear.
Sometimes – particularly now that the kids are getting older and everything’s extra bittersweet – I find myself wanting to freeze time. Interestingly, it’s not usually the most exciting or flashiest moments, but the most simple. Times like this: hanging out, being real, and making each other laugh. I kinda like these humans.
1. What is something mom always says to you?
Tegan (7 yrs) – I love you
Paxton (14 yrs) – I hate people.
Everett (11 yrs) – H-h-h-hiiiiii (It’s this weird, drawn-out “hi” thing we do every time we cross paths. I don’t know where it came from; probably a TV show)
Spencer (18 yrs) – Change your clothes (E: “Spencer, this is going on Mom’s blog you know. Too late! Can’t change your answer”)
2. What makes mom happy?
T – Me
P – Not people
E – Animals
S – Caramels
3. What makes mom sad?
T – When I’m not there
P – People
E – Things that make you sad
S – When you see a pet that needs to be adopted
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
T – I don’t know.
P – Sarcasm
E – I want to steal Paxton’s answer (P – “Hey, this isn’t a game show where you can just steal people’s answers”)
S – Jokes
5. What was your mom like as a child?
T – REALLY. PUFFY. HAIR.
P – Rebellious
E – Young
S – You’ve said it before. You got hurt a lot.
6. How old is your mom?
T – 41
P – 41?
E – 41
S – 41
7. How tall is your mom?
T – Oh my gosh. I don’t know.
P – 5 8 ½? Something like that?
E – I don’t know… 5 10?
S – I’m about two inches taller than you.
8. What is her favorite thing to do? T – Play with me
P – Hold me hostage
E – Be with us
S – Blog and read and write
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
T – Do stuff on the computer and drink coffee
P – I’m not around. How would I know?
E – Things
S – Yoga
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
T – Actress
P – Writing
E – Blogging
S – Blogging
11. What is your mom really good at?
T – Making me feel good.
P – Writing
E – Holding people hostage (T: “STOP COPYING!!”)
S – Being a mom
12. What is your mom not very good at?
T – Not drinking coffee
P – Mind puzzles
E – Things she’s not good at (P: “Oh come on. I at least TRIED to come up with answers”)
S – Nothing
13. What does your mom do for a job?
T – You don’t have a job!
P – Blog slash parent
E – Stay at home mom
S – Stay at home mom
14.What is your mom’s favorite food?
T – What is it called? The thing with the cheese and the tomato and the lettuce…
P – Well, I don’t want to take Tegan’s answer, but I’m going to have to go with caprese. Final answer.
E – How am I supposed to know?
S – Milk Duds. Oh, that’s candy. Ummm… (P: “Candy’s still a food. Acceptable answer”)
15.What makes you proud of your mom?
T – When you don’t drink coffee
P – Your ability to raise four children.
E – A lot of things
S – When you help with my schooling (he’s taking an online course for small engine repair. I help him study for his tests.)
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?
T – Carly, from iCarly.
P – Coffee drinker #2
E – (T: “Don’t you dare copy”) You would be Monica. (P: “Could you BE any more like Monica?” E: “Actually, you *are* kind of like Monica”. Me: “Neurotic?” E & P – “Yes!!”)
S – Rachel from Friends.
17. What do you and your mom do together?
T – Have fun
P – Bond over trips to guitar lessons
E – Talk. We talk.
S – School work
18. How are you and your mom the same?
T – We both love animals
P – Sarcastic sense of humor
E – We both love animals. (T: “That’s what I said! You copier!”)
S – …..
Me: “You look really pained by these questions.” P: “We were ALL pained by these questions.”
S Okay fine, we both have TMJ
19. How are you and your mom different?
T – Mom likes coffee and I hate it
P – I’m not a mother
E – I don’t blog
S – Can’t think of anything
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
T – She says it to me nine billion jillion times.
P – It’s something you just know
E – Because she says it a lot
S – (thinking) (E: “Ten seconds on the clock!” S: “There’s no timer”. E: “Yes there is, and you have to answer in ten seconds”. T: “No he doesn’t!” E: “Time’s up!”)
S – When you go to the store, you know what kind of candy I like, and you bring some home.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
T – He farts a lot
P – This is too hard.
E – I don’t know
S – He’s funny
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
T – To meet Taylor Kinney
P – Rattlers games
E – These are hard questions! Your favorite place to go? Well you don’t go anywhere very often.
S – I was going to say the Elephant Bar, but they closed.
23. How old was your Mom when you were born?
T – 30? No. No no no. Not 30. 37.
P – 26
E – 30
S – Around 20
Me, to Everett: Was that so horrible?
Everett: Yes, yes it was horrible. (To Spencer) Mom wants to ask you tons of questions and interrogate you!
Paxton: She’s going to hold you hostage, don’t do it!
There’s a blog post out there garnering a lot of attention titled 6 Things My Kids Aren’t Allowed to Say to Adults. After seeing it come through my Facebook newsfeed for the 27th time, I finally took a look. Then I took another look. Then another. Interestingly, each time I read it (3 times in total), there was another new edit, update, or clarification from the author. Clearly feeling the stress of negative comments, she defended, expanded on, and added specific examples for all of her original points. She added a disclaimer. She closed the comments.
As someone who is intimately and painfully familiar with the frustration of feeling like my words are being misconstrued, I am definitely sensitive to this mom’s plight. Unfortunately, her additions to the post just made me disagree with it all the more, and were actually the impetus I needed to write a response. Still, it somehow seems important to me to state right from the start that what follows is in response to words, ideas, and concepts…. not to one individual person. I don’t know her, and had never read her blog prior to this one post.
I will list the six specific words/phrases in a minute, but the biggest reason that I disagree (and the overwhelming thought that clung to me as I read) is this:
I’m not interested in raising robots. My kids are not mine to control, or to train. They are human beings. Lovely, perfectly imperfect, unique human beings with their own personalities, their own thoughts, and their own opinions. I want to recognize and embrace and honor who they are, not who I want them to be. I want my kids to feel free to say anything to me, to express any emotion to me….. and I want them to trust that I’ll always provide a safe space for them to do so.
{A quick but necessary little side note here, because for some reason my being open about my faith seems to invite people to employ Bible verses as weapons: I’m aware of the scripture that reads, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” It’s a great verse! I don’t refute it. I do however refute the way it is so often twisted to advocate for a dehumanizing, literal “training” akin to something that you would do with dogs. Children are not dogs. This scripture – and others like it – simply serve as a reminder of our responsibility as parents. Not just as Christians, but as caring, invested parents in general. It’s our responsibility to parent in such a way that models kindness and respect, both for ourselves and for others. It’s our responsibility to parent in such a way that models grace and forgiveness, both for ourselves and for others. It’s our responsibility to parent in such a way that models love and gentleness, both for ourselves and for others. Those are the values that I want to live out loud, and by extension, show my children. Those are the values from which I trust that my children “will not depart.” And if we live it, they will learn it….. no “training” necessary.}
First and foremost, we were created as human beings… with a full range of personalities, emotions, and styles of communication. I want my kids to be authentically themselves at any given moment, not some straight-edged, boxed-in version of themselves that I created through force, coercion and control. And if there is anyone that I want them to feel free to be REAL with, it’s me!!
(Have I mentioned I’m not interested in raising robots?)
Here then, is the original list of words the author won’t allow her children to say, and why I feel very differently.
1. “No”
A word that the author calls “the ultimate defiance towards authority,” I find the word, “no” to be a hugely important word for everyone to have at his or her disposal. My youngest is now seven, so it’s been awhile, but I remember well when she and all three of her brothers discovered the word as toddlers. In one memorable incident, we were all hanging out on our king bed one night, and it was getting late. We told Tegan (who was barely two at the time) that it was probably time to put on her pajamas. She looked at us with a little gleam in her eye, took her finger, and clearly traced the letters N O on the surface of the bed. Not only were we not offended by her “defiance”, we thought it was awesome! We had no idea she could spell, or even knew what the letters looked like, and she was immensely proud of herself. What a powerful word! We laughed, she laughed, and then she put on her pajamas.
Being able to set boundaries for yourself – in all kinds of situations – is an invaluable skill, and it often starts with the ability and the confidence to say no. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, so I have often found myself burnt out and spread too thin. Learning to say “no” as an adult was a huge step to protect my space, my health, and my sanity. My kids know how to say no, and they are welcome to do so.
Does that mean then, that every time I ask them to do something, they say no? NO! (Ha, see what I did there?) They really never say no in that context, because our house doesn’t work like that. We operate as a partnership, not a dictatorship. We respect each other. If I say to one of the kids, “Hey, can you help me pick up for a couple of minutes?” they’ll gladly help, much in the same way that I’ll gladly help when one of the kids asks me to bring them a drink when I’m in the kitchen. Mutual respect and communication go a long way towards maintaining peace and unity within the home.
2. “Just a minute”
She wrote:
When I tell my kids to do something, I expect them to obey immediately.
But “just a minute” is something that we say as adults all the time. All. The. Time. I do try not to say it too often, because I want to stay present and engaged with my kids, but if I’m asked to do something when I’m really involved in a project, at a minimum I’m going to need to jot down whatever thought/word/project I was working on a sticky note (because I’m 41 and sleep deprived and my brain is full…. so if I don’t write it down, I risk losing it forever) So while I’m happy to help with whatever’s asked of me, this is real life, so I don’t often jump up the exact instant that I’m asked…. which makes it categorically unfair to expect something different of my kids.
The author did say that her children were allowed to ask if they could, for example, finish reading their chapter in their book before they did whatever it was she’d asked them to do. But why should the onus be on the kids to ask permission? Why can’t we as parents have enough respect for our kids to recognize that their time is just as valuable as ours? Why can’t we as parents have enough respect for our kids to recognize that they don’t exist to be at our beck and call? Unless time is of a serious essence (ie: someone’s on fire), “just a minute” is a perfectly acceptable response.
And I don’t expect my kids to be “obedient” (I actually can’t stand the word obedience) What I expect is that my kids will treat me with the same level of care and respect that I extend to them. And they do.
3. “Yeah”
She wrote:
Opinions on this may vary depending on your geographical location, but where I’m from, it is incredibly disrespectful to answer any adult with anything but “Yes ma’am”; “Yes sir”; “No ma’am”; and “No Sir”. My kids will definitely be corrected if they answer with a flippant “Yeah” in response to any question.
I agree with the author that opinions on this one likely vary based largely on geography. I was raised in New England – not in the south – so I was not raised to address adults with “Yes, Ma”am” and “Yes, Sir” (what the author requires of her children.) I’m actually not a fan of being addressed in that way myself. It sounds awkwardly formal, and it makes me feel old. I certainly wouldn’t want my kids to feel pressured or required to respond to me in that manner, particularly not in their own home. If they want to answer me in the affirmative, “Yeah, yes, yep, yup, uh-huh, and right on” all work for me.
I don’t worry that they’ll not know when to use more formally respectful language either. I speak in a different way to my friends to my husband to my mother to my boss to a police officer. I adjust my level of formality and familiarity depending on the situation, as do most of us. We learn about being polite in a variety of settings as we grow, and as we mature. It’s really not that complicated.
I’m their MOM, the most familiar person in their life. They really don’t need need to address me the same way they’d address a judge if they were arguing a speeding ticket in court.
4. “I don’t want to”
Very similar to #1. When the author tells her children to do something, the only acceptable response is immediate obedience. “I don’t want to” is rarely an issue in that context in our house – remember, this is a partnership, not a dictatorship – but when I ask my kids to do something (that’s one huge difference between myself and the parenting philosophy employed by this author: I ASK. She TELLS) When I ask my kids to do something, I’m genuinely asking, and while nine times out of ten the answer is yes, they always have the option to respond how they’d like.
Like the word, “no”, “I don’t want to” is a hugely important and empowering thing to be able to say, across many different circumstances. I never want to give my children the disadvantage – and possibly put them in an unhealthy or unsafe situation – by telling them it’s not an appropriate thing to say.
And to hopefully head off some inevitable comments: No, I don’t worry at all that my children will grow up to tell an employer “I don’t want to” when they’re told to complete a reasonable but unpleasant or boring task. (Although, to be honest, if my children ever find themselves miserable, unfulfilled, or generally unhappy with their life choices, whether it be work or anything else: I would hope that they would have the courage and the confidence to say, whether through words or actions, “You know what, I don’t want to do this anymore”, so that they could seek to create change.)
5. “I don’t like this”
She says:
If they’re hungry enough, they’ll eat what is set before them.
I’ve written at length about my philosophy of food when it comes to my family (most recently here), but in short: We try to make foods we all like. We’re all members of the family, and we all get to have a voice: from the foods we buy, to the snacks we have on hand, to the dinners we cook. Everyone gets to have, and express, an opinion. And on the rare cases when we happen to have a dinner that someone doesn’t like? No problem! They’re free to have a sandwich, make an egg, fix a bowl of cereal, whatever they’d like – something that the author deems a no-no. My kids eat all kinds of foods, and are always game to try something new.Sure, they each have a few things they don’t care for. Don’t we all? As an adult, I generally simply avoid buying/eating the things I don’t like. Why wouldn’t I extend my kids the same courtesy? If they don’t like something, they’re always free to express it, especially in the safety of their own home. Now, if we were visiting new friends for dinner, would they stab something with a fork, hold it up for the whole table to see, and announce, “This stuff is gross”? (something that a grown adult actually did to me once, after my woefully botched first attempt to make seitan when I was a vegan) Absolutely not! As with #3, it’s simply a social nuance that they learn with time, maturity, and involved parents.
One more point about the food. There was much ado made about the fact that there are starving children out there who have nothing to eat, and therefore children should be thankful for what they have, and eat whatever’s placed in front of them. Yikes. Yes, it’s wonderful to have an attitude of gratefulness. And yes – unfortunately – there are starving children out there. It’s an important thing to be aware of, to be sure. Even better is to do something about it, and to help out whether by donating your time or your money to people who are in need.But using it as a vehicle to shame and coerce your children to eat what is put in front of them? That isn’t fair, respectful, or helpful to anyone.
6. Nothing
She says:
When an adult speaks to my children, hiding behind mama and refusing to speak is not acceptable behavior
Much like saying “Yes, Ma’am” when the situation calls for it, and not telling the nice neighbor that the food she just made you is gross, learning to talk and interact respectfully with adults is something that comes with time and practice. Just like adults, some kids are naturally outgoing from the beginning, and others start out by wanting to hide behind mom. Both are okay! I’m 41 years old, and I can think of many a social situation where I wish I could hide behind my mom. But I don’t. I’ve learned to shake hands, and smile politely, and say “It’s nice to meet you”, even if my voice shakes when I say it. And kids will learn too. But requiring them to interact in a way that they’re not ready for is no different than requiring them to hug and kiss grandma even if they don’t want to. It’s a violation of their right to personal autonomy, and it seriously blurs the line of when they can and cannot say “no”, and who they do or do not have to listen to.
Their body = their choice
Their voice = their choice
If your child doesn’t want to talk to me for whatever reason, please don’t insist that they do! I don’t need or want a forced “hello” or a forced “thank you” or a forced “I’m sorry.” I’ll just be happy to know that you’re honoring your child’s wishes, and respecting his right to trust and make judgments about new people in his own time, in his own way. It’s an important skill to have, and forcing them to interact in the way that you deem appropriate is stripping them of the practice they need to hone that skill for themselves.
If you’ll indulge me while I say it for a third and final time: I’m not raising robots. These are HUMAN BEINGS. This is a relationship we’re forming here, not boot camp. The idea of censoring, controlling, and requiring certain narrow words and reactions from children not only saddens me but quite honestly genuinely frightens me. It feels more like programming than parenting. Kids aren’t ours to program. They are ours for but a short time, to nurture, protect, and guide through our example…. but also to sit back and watch, while they unfold into the perfectly unique and already-laid-out version of themselves, which I guarantee you is far better than anything you or I could everorchestrate on their behalf.
My kids can say anything to me. They can express any emotion. Share any feeling. Give any opinion. In short, they can be real.
No matter what else a home may be, shouldn’t it at least start with being a place where you can be yourself?
Last week, another blogger whose opinion I greatly respect and admire, posted an update that read in part:
I will never, ever forgive myself for allowing my precious baby to be circumcised. I don’t believe I should ever be forgiven by anybody for it. The buck stops here.
I genuinely think it was the first time I ever disagreed with her (which is exactly what I said when I commented). She and I both share the same – very real – regret. It is my biggest parental regret to be sure. I’m thankful we were given the opportunity to make different decisions for our younger boys.
But I’ve forgiven myself.
I believe very strongly that you have to forgive yourself if you want to be a healthy and vibrant and positive parent….. whether your regret is an unnecessary cosmetic surgery, or inadvertently snapping at your daughter when you were sleep deprived. You simply cannot be the parent (or the person, for that matter) you were meant to be if you stubbornly refuse to forgive yourself for your offenses.
Forgiving yourself does not mean you’re letting yourself off the hook. It does not mean that what you did is suddenly okay. It does not mean that you’re not taking accountability for your actions.
It means:
to give up resentment against. To stop wanting to punish. To stop feeling angry or resentful for an offense, flaw or mistake.
In other words, it simply means you release yourself from the negative and destructive feelings – you guys, these feelings are so destructive! – about the event in question. It means that you show yourself grace… that you recognize you’re a human being who makes mistakes, and that you deserve to conduct your life without carrying around a heavy burden of guilt. No good ever comes from guilt.
If you let guilt take residence, it eats you from the inside. When it remains unchecked, you become that guilt. Everything you do, say, and feel is then filtered through that guilt. It colors everything. It darkens everything. It affects the way you interact with yourself, with the world around you, and with your children.
When my kids make mistakes (and they do make mistakes, because they’re human), I don’t want them to ever live under guilt. Self-reflection, yes. Self-responsibility, yes. But never guilt. So it’s not something I want to model for them. I don’t want my children seeing mom view life through a lens of guilt. I want my children seeing mom owning her mistakes, learning from them, and doing better the next time.
I want to tell my kids,
You’re not a product of your mistakes. You’re a product of your triumphs.
Our mistakes teach us. They help refine us. They help shape us. But they do NOT define us. Living under guilt and failing to forgive ourselves for our mistakes makes our life become about the very mistake that we want to move beyond. And how can you ever truly grow and heal and move beyond a mistake if you refuse to release it? (Spoiler: you can’t)
Guilt does not serve you. Guilt is self-centered and narcissistic. It wants to steal from you. And as long as you allow it to stay, it will do exactly that.
If you’re going to offer your children grace, and kindness, and forgiveness (and I’d like to believe that if you’re here reading this that you do in fact want to offer those things to your children), you need to first extend it to yourself.
I was at Target the other day (buying a new broom, because my current broom was about a jillion years old and produced far more frustration than it did actual cleaning) and I overheard a conversation between a Target associate and a rather befuddled-looking older gentleman in the electronics department. In a discussion that was somehow both sweet and amusing, the kid working at Target was trying to explain the concept of digital user manuals to the skeptical customer, who wondered why the item he was purchasing didn’t come with a paper manual.
“More and more companies are doing away with the paper manuals completely.”
Skeptical look.
“You don’t need them. You can download the entire manual online.”
Skeptical look.
“Or, if you have a specific question about the product, you can just Google: “How do I……….. ”
Skeptical look.
I didn’t stick around long enough to hear whether or not he was ever convinced, but it’s a conversation that I imagine takes place in various forms at Targets and cell phone stores and Best Buys every day, all over the world.
Life is just done differently than it was 50 years ago. Even 20 years ago. TEN years ago!
My dad, who’s in his late 60’s and is a very intelligent man, can use a computer to do basic things like send email….. but only if my mom helps him get to the “compose an email” screen first.
And when I last saw my 88 year old grandmother, she asked me to send her copies of some pictures I was taking. “But you have to send them in the mail. None of this air mail (aka email) stuff; I don’t even know how to open it.”
Not that it’s unique to older people. I’m 41, reasonably adept at handling a computer, and I still balk at learning something new. I stayed on MySpace long after everyone else had fled to Facebook. And now that Facebook is comfortable and familiar and I know how to use it, I’ll probably stay there too, long after everyone else has moved on to MeWe, or Ello, or whatever the Next Great Thing happens to be.
Learning new things technology-wise as an adult can be intimidating. I get it.
But my kids don’t have that problem. They’re so computer literate, and learn new platforms and programs and website navigation with such ease, that it’s both astounding and inspiring.
This is life in 2015.
We cannot be afraid of it. This is education. This is networking. This is communication. This is the workforce. This is entertainment. A whole big wide digital world at our fingertips. We’re doing ourselves a huge disservice if we’re not allowing ourselves to take advantage of all – or much – of what it has to offer.
The world is only going to get more technology-heavy, not less. My kids think it’s crazy that I remember my family’s first VCR. And that if we wanted to watch a show that came on at 8:00 on a Friday night that we had to actually be at the TV at 8:00 on a Friday night. And that early cell phones were about the size of a brick. And that the internet didn’t even exist until I was in my 20’s. And that there was no such thing as Netflix or Google or iTunes.
I can’t even imagine what amazingly cool technology – still just a pipe-dream of some go-getting entrepreneurial kid in his parents’ basement – is going to exist for my future grandchildren.
Life is different now. We need to know about different things now.
Which is exactly why I can’t understand the push to actually limit a child’s use of technology. I see parents stressing out about their kids spending enough time practicing things like handwriting, which is becoming less and less necessary; or even hand-writing math problems, another practice that’s changing in our current society, since despite what your teacher may have told you as a child – look at that! – we all DO carry calculators around in our pockets. In what I can only see as a stubborn refusal to move forward, people want to cling to the old, and only dole out the new in tightly controlled, highly restricted little portions. But limiting a child’s “screen time” (which – it has to be said – is one of the stupidest and most meaningless phrases to come out of the 21st century) is sort of like planning an extended, indefinite stay in a foreign country, and then limiting how much and how often your children can study the language.
“Of course you can learn Spanish! But only for a half an hour a night. Maybe for an hour on the weekend. You can earn an extra ten minutes a day if you do all your chores. But if you screw up? That’s it, I’m taking away all your Spanish time away until you can earn it back.”
I just can’t understand limiting access to the very language in which your child needs to be fluent.
As for me and my house, we’ve chosen the opposite tack. Whether the subject at hand is Spain or computers, I want my kids to be able to completely IMMERSE themselves in it. Play with it. Explore it. Live it. Learn it and learn from it and understand it.
I want my kids to be all in. I want them to be eager learners, enthusiastic explorers, and lovers of new information. I want them to be confident in their abilities, humble enough to ask for help when they need it, and brave enough to take on even the most daunting of tasks.
I want them to be primed and ready and raring to go, so that when the time comes for the next new overwhelmingly complicated bit of technological advancement (and that time will come… again and again and again) they’ll take it in stride. They’ll be able to look square in the face of the next generation’s cell phone or email or digital User’s Manual….
I'm Jen... the shy, lost girl from the east coast who married at nineteen and eventually found herself - four kids later - in the middle of the desert. I like chocolate. You can read more about me here.
A ridiculous amount of coffee is consumed in the process of writing these blog posts. If you enjoy my work, I'd be extremely grateful if you added some fuel to keep me going!
