Category Archives: mindful parenting

May 31, 2012 · 6:45 AM

Parenting a Two Year Old

Thanks to Meegs of A New Day for today’s guest post!

Parenting is an ever evolving process. No one would claim that parenting your newborn is the same as parenting your infant is the same as parenting your toddler and beyond. Every parenting style changes, but I think that if you consider yourself an AP parent, then you are especially in-tuned to your need to evolve.

My personal parenting style has definitely had to change a lot since Gwen turned 2 years old, and the biggest change has had to be to my expectations. I always knew 2 would be rough – I’ve worked with kids before, and I’ve heard the horror stories – but it is so very different when it’s your own, and I didn’t expect it to be so tough for me. I consider myself a pretty patient individual, and its not that I thought I would be immune to the ups and downs of toddlerhood, but its always a bit of a surprise watching your basically sweet baby have her first toddler meltdown.

Gwen has so much she wants to say, so much she wants to do (on her own, of course: “I DO IT!”), and heaven help the person who gets in her way. I haven’t gotten to pick out her clothes in AGES, but now sometimes she gives me such a hard time about even the little tweaks to make her outfits weather-appropriate. Foods she loves she sometimes decides she
hates. She’ll have a complete breakdown if you tell her there are no more of [whatever snack is the magic snack that she decides she must have today]. She wants to open/close every door, and put on her own diaper, and pee on the toilet but only if she feels like it and not if she doesn’t and sometimes for 20 more minutes even though she did the actual peeing as soon as she sat down and…

The ages of 2 – 3 (and 12, 17, 20) are “straddling” ages. My little girl is caught between the toddlerhood she is shedding, and the childhood that lays beyond. From what I’ve heard, the dawning of that childhood (4 – 5) is pretty magical and wonderful. But this coming of age part… well, i know its as hard for her as it is for me. She wants to be able to tell me everything, but sometimes she just can’t find the words… or I can’t understand them. She wants to be able to do everything, but she’s not quite big enough to reach, or strong enough to carry, or…

And Mama has her good days and bad days too. Some days I can read her, feel the frustration building, and head it off at the pass. I can weather any anger and yelling with a calm determination, “I see you are angry. You take a minute and let me know when you are ready to try
again. We can do it together.” Other days she catches me off guard with every outburst and and I’m left wondering what happened. Some days it’s all I can do to grit through my teeth, “Enough. We Don’t Hit.” Some days I want to push the fast forward button up to 16x.
BUT she is also bright, and happy, and loving… grabbing your face to kiss both cheeks and your forehead. I don’t want to fast forward that part, and I hope she doesn’t grow out of it!

Here’s what I’m working on to have more of the calm days and less of the frustrated ones.

1) Age realistic expectations. At two, she is only emotionally able to handle so much. She’s still learning what appropriate reactions are and how her actions cause reactions. And you learn by trial and error.

2) Expectations that match with what I want for Gwen in the future. A friend once told me about a very trying morning with her spirited, energetic, intelligent daughter. She delivered her to daycare and asked the teacher, “How do I raise a daughter who is strong,
determined, independent, comfortable with her feelings and voices her
opinions, but who also listens and always does what I ask her to?!” The answer, of course, is that you don’t! But a few tiffs now, as we figure all this out together, is well worth it to foster the independence and determination that will serve her so well in the future.

3) Name the emotion, for both of our sakes! When Gwen is frustrated or sad, I say as much… “I see you are frustrated/mad/upset because of xyz…” I do it to help her figure out her emotions, but I do it to remind myself of them as well. Do I love crying because she wants something she can’t have? Nope. But I do know what its like to be overly tired after a long day and have something be extremely frustrating and almost too much to bare. Naming her emotion helps me put myself in her shoes.

4) Evaluate if I really need to distract/dissuade/say no. Gentle/AP parenting is not (contrary to what some media might have you believe) permissive parenting in the negative sense. But at the suggestion of a smart mama, I started looking at the why I didn’t want Gwen to do certain things. Is it because of a safety reason? Then stay the course! Is it because it will be a little messy and I don’t want to clean up? Hmm, there are times this is valid, but many when it’s not a great reason.

5) Teach respect by modeling respect. Gwen is an equal member of this family. Yes, her dad and I have the life experience, and as her parents we will ask her to defer to our judgement many a time. However, she deserves our respect as fully as we deserve hers. So we listen when she talks, we say excuse me and thank you and please, and we try to give our reasons/explain our actions when we do need her to defer to us. “Because I said so,” or “because I’m the mom,” are not explanations.

Here’s the thing, and I’m sure this will shock no one… I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do get overly frustrated, slip up and yell sometimes. That can be a learning time for us both though too, because when I catch myself, I excuse myself to calm down, then come back and apologize. No one is perfect, including this Mama, and I want my girl to know that. People make mistakes, and the fact that we can apologize, hug, and still love each other afterwards, just as much as we did before, well… I think that’s one of the best lessons I can give us all. Hopefully it is the one that will keep her coming to me when she makes her own mistakes.

When all is said and done, that’s what I want. A daughter who respects and loves me as much as I respect and love her (and treats others with respect as an extention), who talks to me and tells me the bad as readily as the good, who is kind-hearted and strong willed.

Two is tough, but the lifetime ahead of us is promising.
***

Meegs is an easy-going girl that loves tattoos, food, and the outdoors; but most especially her husband and daughter. She’s passionate about being greener, co-existing peacefully with animals/the environment, and LGBTQ rights. In her free time, she loves to read, go for long walks, cheer for the Eagles and the Flyers, cook, and spend time with her family and friends. A breastfeeding, babywearing, sometimes bedsharing mama, Meegs finds her online home at A New Day.

6 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

May 9, 2012 · 8:12 AM

Daydreams

Today’s guest post is from my friend, Alice, who last shared her story of her twin baby girls in Surprises. Thanks, Alice, for another beautiful and honest post.

When I daydreamed as a girl about having a family of my own, I can’t say I envisioned the choices I would eventually make.  There was no wistful sighing over a future homebirth, or longingly imagining how awesome it would be to homeschool.  But there’s one choice I imagined that did become my future; I always knew I wanted a large family.  But the reality of life with lots of small children?  Not part of the dream.  As our family grew, our views on parenting flexed and changed, and what we ended up choosing was the path of peaceful parenting. 

When you know how you want to parent – and I don’t mean the impossible ideal of never making mistakes, but in general the kind of parent you want to be – it’s discouraging to feel like you fall short.  There was a brief period in 2010 where not only had I found my parenting niche, but I was living it every day.  Radically unschooling and parenting peacefully in harmony with our 3 boys; our home was like a little utopia.  There was enough of me to go around, there was enough time in my day for my boys AND my husband AND myself.

I would read articles and blogs about gentle parenting, and what to do as alternatives to traditional authoritarian methods, and I would think, “Yup!  Got that down!”  My boys were 6, 4 and 1 year old; life was good.  So good, in fact, that we decided to add one more baby to our family.  Surprise!  We added two baby girls and became a family of 7.  And life was great – and it was hard, scary, frustrating and overwhelming.  Nowhere could I find help and advice for my situation.  It’s all well and good to redirect a toddler when you actually have free hands – what about when you’re sitting on the couch with a baby attached to each breast?  It’s fine to not get upset when said toddler dumps a whole box of baking soda on the steps when you have time to clean it up – but what about when you haven’t even cleaned up the last 3 messes, there’s no food in the house, and a mountain of dirty laundry is threatening to take over?

How in the world do you parent peacefully when you are so overwhelmed you just want to yell?

Oddly enough, I never found any articles with that title.  In my stress I found myself reverting to authoritarian parenting; setting arbitrary limits, losing my patience, and yelling.  Lots and lots of yelling.  I felt like a failure – not because I was yelling mean or abusive things (I wasn’t) but because that was not the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I knew how I wanted to parent, but I could no longer see how to do it.  I was barely making it day to day, going on little sleep.  Patience was a thing of the past.  Fun was an impossible dream.

With five kids 7 and under, I needed to find a way to implement peaceful parenting in a frequently less-than-peaceful environment.

My first step in stressful situations became choosing to give myself a timeout if I felt like yelling.  It’s important to know that this didn’t change what was happening around me; during my timeouts, sometimes the babies were crying.  Sometimes my toddler was crying.  Sometimes I was crying.  But in the 30 seconds, or 3 minutes, whatever I needed to get myself under control, I gave myself a talk and came up with a plan.  “Ok.  When I go back out there, I’m not going to yell.  I’m going to ignore the mess, and we’ll go play outside.”  Changing me and my attitude was frequently the key.  If I could keep my cool, we could get through whatever the problem was without someone melting down.

Next, I lowered my expectations.  A lot.  If we all made it through the day and everyone was safe and had their physical and emotional needs met – success!  Who cared if the house was a mess?  If I managed not to yell and lose my patience – victory!

Once I changed my attitude and my expectations, the next step was creating safe zones for everyone to coexist.  Baby gates became my new best friends.  With my 5 and 2 year olds hitting each other, and my 2 year old not grasping the need for being gentle with babies, this was critical.  I wasn’t punishing or banishing anyone, and I made sure the boys knew that.  But my most basic job is to keep all of my kids safe.  I gated off sections of the house, and knew that when my toddler was alone he was safe, and he couldn’t hurt anyone else.  I could sit in another room and safely nurse the babies, and even if everyone wasn’t thrilled with the arrangement, it was a temporary fix. 

On the absolute worst days, when I had to get out of the house, I would load all 5 kids into the car and drive for hours.  The boys would watch a movie, the girls would sleep, and I would breath and enjoy the peace.

The past year has been really long.  It’s contained a lot more yelling and crying (by all of us) than I would care to think about.  But there’s a lot that I’m proud of too.  I kept everyone safe and happy.  There were no trips to the ER, no injuries.  I didn’t yell hurtful or abusive things.  I didn’t spank anyone.  I always, always apologized when my parenting fell short, and each morning I chose to start over and try my best to parent in partnership.

I can see glimmers of the old utopia ahead.  The girls turn 1 on May 19th, my boys are 8, 6 and 3.  Our life has developed a smoother rhythm, and with my arms more often free I can finally be more proactive.  Our days once again have more laughter than yelling, more joy than frustration, and more peace than chaos.

And those daydreams I had as a girl about my beautiful and happy large family?

I’m living them.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog.  She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples.  In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her Etsy shop, Alice’s Handmade Crafts.

12 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

May 4, 2012 · 6:51 AM

Common Sense Parenting

I think sometimes as parents, we make things way more complicated than they need to be.   I read a blog post the other day that referred to the “moral gymnastics” involved in everything from the food we buy, to the way we diaper, to the decisions we make about school.  It’s a term that resonated with me, and if your emails and comments are any indication, it resonates with many of you as well.

I seem to write a lot about how I parent from the heart (because I do), and how I’ve never regretted any parental decision that’s been made by following my instinct (because I haven’t) but there’s another component that I regularly rely on.  A big one.

Common sense.  And it never steers me wrong.

I get some sort of … odd … objections every time I challenge the traditional, authoritarian, way of doing things.  Objections that often make me wonder if we’ve lost sight of our collective common senses altogether.  Whenever I write about parenting without punishments and coercion, I’m met with something that sounds like this:  “But, but, they need to learn to obey you!  They need to hear the word ‘no!’  What happens if they’re about to reach for a hot stove or run out into a crowded street?”  As if the assumption is that a gentle parent wouldn’t dream of intervening when their child was in harm’s way.  It’s a silly, silly argument.  Common sense (not to mention parental instinct) tells us to protect a child who is in imminent danger.  Common sense tells us that with a loving and attentive parent as their partner and guide, that kids will naturally learn not to play in traffic, and learn not to touch a hot burner, and learn not to stick a fork in an electrical outlet.  We can give children choices, autonomy, and freedom;  we can say YES as much as possible;  and we can still trust that with gentle and compassionate guidance, that they will learn to navigate their world both safely and confidently.  Common sense.

Another one I’ve heard a lot of, especially after my Spilled Milk post, is that if there is not some punitive measure taken when the child commits some infraction, that they will never learn to respect other people and/or their belongings.  Common sense tells us that children learn how to treat others by watching how we, as their parents, treat others.   Common sense tells us that when we demonstrate appropriate boundaries, that they will learn.  For the past couple of weeks, I’ve brought Tegan with me to Paxton’s Physical Therapy appointments for his ankle.  There are no separate rooms… just one big, open room, with a few beds, exercise equipment, mirrors, and a small waiting area with chairs.  On any given day, there are never less than three other patients being worked with.  Tegan is four, and it’s hard for four year olds to wait quietly.  She’ll busy herself for a short amount of time with games on my phone, and then she’ll start to get antsy and loud.  It’s normal for a four year old to get antsy and loud in a boring waiting area, but her needs to be four don’t supersede anyone else’s needs for a reasonably quiet and undisturbed session.  So outside we go, where she can be loud and, well.. four, and the Physical Therapy patients can concentrate on what they came for.  Common sense.

Recently, I posted about what I felt were the benefits of not placing arbitrary limits on the media that our children use.   I’ve written about limits before, on everything from bedtimes, to food, to media.  Naysayers immediately jump to extremes, but the fact is, no limits on bedtimes does not mean that the kids just stay up for 72 hours at a time.  No limits on food does not mean that they’re existing on a diet of Ring Dings and Ho Hos.  No limits on media does not mean that the 4 year old is playing a shoot-em-up game on the xbox, while the 8 year is watching Debbie Does Dallas in the other room.  Common sense tells us that when we make sleep a safe, happy, thing when the kids are little, that as they grow they will trust themselves, listen to their bodies, and have a healthy relationship with both rest and wakefulness.  Common sense tells us that when we fill our house with lots of good, whole, interesting foods;   when we don’t let food become a battle of wills, a punishment, or a reward;  when we let our children follow their own cues of hunger and thirst… that they will eat when they are hungry, stop when they are full, and appreciate food for both its nourishment and its enjoyment.  Common sense tells us that the most important consideration when it comes to what they are watching, playing, & listening to is not controlling our kids, but knowing our kids, listening to our kids, and maintaining an open line of communication with our kids.   Common sense tells us to watch things that may be frightening, confusing or disturbing to our young kids when they are asleep/not around, and it also tells us that they wouldn’t be interested in watching it anyway.  Common sense.

Finally, common sense tells us that children, like all people (common sense tells us that children are people, too) respond to – and learn from – kindness, empathy, and love.   NOT from coercion, shaming, and punishing… and certainly not from this current trend of public humiliation via the internet.

It’s not rocket science.  It’s just common sense.

21 Comments

Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, kids, learning, life, mindful parenting, parenting

February 10, 2012 · 8:22 PM

Not my idea of a hero

 

So by now, you’ve seen the video.  It’s gone viral ….  nearly 3 million views on my last check.  A father, angered by his daughter’s rant about him on her Facebook page, video-taped himself berating her, laying out her punishment, and ultimately taking his gun and shooting nine bullets through her laptop.

I don’t want to talk about that man.  All I can do is feel sorry for him.  Happy, well-adjusted people don’t go around taping themselves shooting holes in other people’s property.

I don’t want to talk about his daughter either.  I feel sorry for her too.  Being a teenager can be hard, and I can’t imagine that having a father who publicly humiliates you is helpful in that regard.   She obviously has an unhealthy, broken relationship with her parents.  And knowing first-hand what it’s like to have a GOOD relationship with my children… my heart breaks for her.

But no, the people I want to address aren’t the father or the daughter.  I want to address the people, the tens of thousands of people, who lauded him as father of the year.  Here are just a couple of remarks from his recent viewers:

This father ROCKS! Parents need to enforce more discipline with their kids these days instead of trying to be their friend or act their age.

This guy should be voted FATHER OF THE YEAR in the US and Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAD OF THE YEAR! I think this is amazing!

Dude…you are my HERO.

Seriously, I applaud you. A parent who is a parent and not the subjugated slave to the child. Love it.

Awesome! Well done.

You’re my new, best friend!

Has the world gone completely mad?  I don’t mean that facetiously either.  I am quite literally shocked and sickened that this is the behavior we as a society hold up as model parenting.   I hear people crying that kids today are too entitled, too spoiled, too disrespectful…. and this is going to help with that?!   If this girl IS in fact acting too entitled, spoiled, and disrespectful, where might she have learned that?

Yes!  Let’s strive to be more like this man!  Let’s belittle and humiliate our children.   Let’s destroy their property.  Let’s respond to hurt and frustration with violence.  Let’s throw discussion and mutual respect and love out the window and grab our gun when it’s time for conflict resolution.  And let’s tape ourselves doing it!!  Let’s make parenting into nothing more than a schoolyard fight, a tit-for-tat war of words in which NO ONE wins, in which we stoop to the lowest common denominator, and we see who can throw the biggest tantrum.  Yes, let’s look to this man in awe.   What a hero.   What a father.  What a MAN. 

In all sincerity, I want to ask you this:  If you agree with this man’s actions, if you think this is something we should emulate… how would you feel if you were his daughter?   For that matter, how would you feel if he’d taken this action against you as a co-worker, or a relative, or a friend?

And if you tell me it’d make you see the error of your ways, if you tell me it’d make you have new respect for him… you’re lying.

All of us – as parents, as children, as friends, as citizens – respond to kindness, not to cruelty.  We respond to gentleness.  We respond to patience.  We respond to feeling that we are being heard.

This man was no doubt hurt by his daughter’s words on Facebook.   Was she wrong in posting them?   From the little that I can tell, this was a child venting to her friends, not unlike something one would write in a private diary.  Her words were strong, yes, which only shines light on how deeply she was feeling when she wrote them.     I saw many comments that said something to the effect of, “Oh she was just trying to get attention.”  And I agree!  She probably was.  It was a probably a last-ditch, desperate attempt to say, “Hey.  Mom.  Dad.  I’m hurting here.”  If that were my child writing that letter, I would first take a good long look in the mirror.  Then I would TALK TO MY CHILD.  I would try to heal that relationship before it was too late.   I would not put the final nail in the coffin (or the bullet in the laptop as it were) by publicly humiliating her, mocking her, and destroying her things.  I would not act with a knee-jerk reaction that would almost certainly ensure that she’d be pushed further away, possibly for the rest of my life.

Our job as parents is to protect our kids.  To love them, to guide them, and yes… to model appropriate behavior for them.  This man called his daughter disrespectful.  Were HIS actions respectful?  He called her immature.  Were HIS actions mature?

Parenting is hard!  I won’t argue that.  Just as with any other worthwhile relationship, there are bumps.  There are ups and downs.   There are tough spots, and sweet spots, and every-other-kind of spots in between.  It takes a lot of heart, a lot of patience, a lot of listening, and a lot of give-and-take.  What I saw in that video wasn’t heart.  It wasn’t patience.  It wasn’t listening.  It wasn’t give and take.  It was a bully of a man having a public meltdown, and making sure he took his daughter down with him.

His behavior is not something to emulate.

It’s not something to aspire to.

It’s not something to praise.

It’s a sad, angry spectacle by a sad, angry man.  It’s a cautionary tale about what not to do if you ever want to have a close, mutually respectful relationship with your child.

(If you want to read more, check out Demand Euphoria, A Bona Fide Life, and freeplaylife.  Thank you for being voices of reason in the midst of insanity)

 

 

155 Comments

Filed under hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, rant

February 6, 2012 · 6:00 AM

The woman at the park

 

 

There was an incident at the park the other day.  I witnessed, and ultimately tried to stop, a sad display of hatred towards children.

I have written about unkindness I’ve seen in public before.  Two I can think of right off the bat were Natalie’s mother, and the old man at the grocery store.  In those two cases though, I was a silent observer.  Just another person in the crowd, watching what was unfolding, and not doing anything to stop it.  This time I was a participant.  Right there in the front lines as it were.  I voluntarily inserted myself into the situation, boldly hoping for…. well, I don’t know what I was hoping for.   I just knew I had to do it.

But I should start at the beginning.

It was a Friday, and most Fridays we’re at park day.  I say “most” Fridays because I often try to get out of it.  Not because I don’t have a good time (I do), and not because the other mothers aren’t wonderful (they are).  Just because I’m a homebody and an introvert, and the thought of socializing for hours with dozens of other people makes me… tired.  But this Friday, we were there.

The boys were all off with their friends clear across the park, playing football or frisbee, or whatever it is that they do.  Tegan (almost 4) had just run across the playground with our friend Hannah (11), settling in to play in one of her favorite spots:  the shady spot in the sand under the little kids’ playground.

 

They hadn’t been playing for long before Hannah came running back over to us, telling us that “an old lady had yelled at them,” and had told her and some other older kids that they had to leave the area because it was for younger kids only.  We looked over and saw the lady in question, a couple of preteens simply hanging out and chatting, a toddler happily undisturbed in his play, and Tegan, still quietly sitting in the sand.

We told her she was fine, and that there were no hard and fast rules about who could play where.  Besides, she was there with Tegan, clearly a “younger kid”, and was in essence acting as her caregiver.

A few minutes later, she came back to tell us that the lady had called them “stupid.”  Now, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.  Not because I didn’t trust Hannah’s word, but because I know that sometimes when you’re already feeling downtrodden that it’s easy to misinterpret.  Maybe the woman had used the word “stupid” but hadn’t actually directed at anyone in particular.

So I waited, and I watched.  Eventually the woman left the area to sit on a bench, and as more and more kids – of all ages – gathered to play on and around the equipment, she eyed them.  Oh how she eyed them!  Tegan wanted me to dig with her in the sand, in the middle of the playground, so I had a front row seat when the woman went from eying to acting.  She strode over to where the kids were playing, and just as Hannah had reported, ordered them to leave.  I couldn’t hear the entire conversation, but I could clearly hear her as she shouted, “You stupid kids!”

I got up and approached her.

(Let me stop here for a minute.   If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know that I DO NOT LIKE confrontations.  Do not.  Even over the internet, I have to be pretty provoked, it gives me a stomach ache, and I stress about it for days.  So you can imagine my enthusiasm for the real-life variety)

But there I was, striding across the sand, feeling all Erin Brockovich.

“Excuse me,”  I said to her, interrupting her as she demanded that one of the little boys take her to his mother.  “I was just wondering why you’re calling these children stupid?”

“They are stupid!  They’re disrespectful little brats who are blatantly disregarding the law, and this legal notice for them to stay away from this equipment.”  She waved her arm at the sign in front of the playground.  “This is for little kids only.”

“M’aam, I really don’t think that sign is a law.  Those are just suggested ages.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT IT SAYS!”

 

I wanted to get the full story, I really did.    If they were truly doing something wrong, I wanted to know about it.  From what I could see, they’d simply been playing, until she harrassed them.  So I calmly asked, “Were they disrupting any little kids at all?  Getting in their way, hurting anyone?”

“No, but they’re hurting the equipment!!  It’s not designed for bigger kids.”

 

And she wasn’t done.  “And when I told them they needed to leave, these stupid kids did not respect me as an authority figure.   They have no respect for authority.”

“Well, to be honest with you, I would have a hard time respecting someone who was resorting to calling me stupid too.”

“I don’t have to show respect for children!!  We don’t have to respect children.   But they are supposed to show respect to adults no matter what!”

(Oh no she DID NOT just say that.  But sadly, she did.)

“Kids have just as much right to be treated with respect as – ”  she cut me off then, and started shaking her head.

“Go ahead, defend them, and they’ll grow up never respecting authority, never having any respect for anyone, thinking they can do whatever they want…..  Stupid disrespectful kids…”

“Well, maybe if you tried talking to them without name calling…”

She’d pretty much turned her back on me by then, shaking her head and scoffing, “Say what you want.   They’re disrespectful kids.  Black is black.”

Now –  in the interest of fairness – I have to say that somewhere in the middle of all of this, one child (out of the group of at least a dozen that had gathered around us)  had started arguing back with her, telling her to “shut up”, and at one point returning one of her “you’re stupid kids” with a “well, you’re old!”  Was that the right way to handle the situation?  Of course it wasn’t.  I’m not arguing that.  But was he provoked?  Absolutely.  And at what I’m guessing to be about 10, he lacks the maturity that one would hope the 60-something year old lady he was arguing with should have possessed.   And honestly, with her attitude and flat-out assertion that she doesn’t need to show respect for kids, I don’t blame him for his feelings.

I wish I could say that there was a tidy ending to my story, but there was not.  It just…. fizzled.  It ended with her turning away from me in a huff, realizing that I wasn’t going to stop defending the kids;  and me realizing that she was not going to stop calling them “stupid” long enough to listen to anything I had to say.  I ultimately told the kids to just let it go,  and that they’d maybe be better off playing elsewhere.  Ironically, park day was close to ending by then anyway, and moms were starting to gather up their kids to go home.

I walked away, my heart pounding in my chest, already thinking about what it was I’d actually accomplished.  In many ways, I hadn’t accomplished much of anything.  The woman clearly did not like children, and I’d done little to change her mind.

I wish she would’ve heard me. I wish I could have told her that when you realize that children are people, when you treat them with respect, when you treat them the way you wish to be treated, that they (just like their adult counterparts) will respond in kind.  How much differently it all would have turned out if she’d just talked to them instead of calling them names!

But what I had done – besides gaining the confidence that comes from doing something I would have been too afraid to do even a couple of years ago – was stand up for the kids.  Not by thinking about it, not by sitting behind my computer and writing about it, but by literally standing up, walking over there, looking that woman in the eye, and saying, “Hey, kids deserve respect too.”

I stood up for the kids, and I would do it again.

25 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, hypocrisy, kids, life, mindful parenting, parenting, respect

January 31, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Tough Love

 

I have been spending too much a little bit of spare time on Pinterest.  If you’re not familiar with it, it is essentially a virtual bulletin board, where you can create different boards for different things (recipes, vacation ideas, crafts…. whatever you’d like) and then “pin” the photos for various links you want to save.  You can share pins with others, browse what your friends are pinning,  and “like”, comment on, and re-pin others’ pins.   I’m a visual person, so I find the very concept incredibly fun and inspiring – all those annoying photos of people making heart shapes with their fingers notwithstanding.

A side effect of Pinterest though, is the visceral reaction I feel when I come across a parenting-related ‘pin’ that I disagree with.  It inevitably goes something like this:

HappyHappyHappy, PinPinPin, What?Oh.Yuck.  I finally decided to start saving these pins too, to inspire me in a different way, and to remind me of what I don’t want to do.  The most recent one was a photo of a handwritten note taped to what was presumably a front door, that read:

You have missed curfew!  Do not knock or ring the doorbell.  You may sleep on the patio.  I have been generous this time and provided a blanket.

Now, I don’t know the origin of this note.  Maybe it wasn’t real.  Maybe it was a joke.  Or maybe it was very real, and the person who wrote it thought it’d be funny to share it.

I’m not laughing.  I don’t think it’s funny when kids are mistreated.

What bothered me much more than the note though, was the sheer number of comments beneath it, praising its author for such exemplary parenting.   Since when did locking your child out of the house for the night become the harbinger of excellence in parenting?

I keep hearing that too many teens today are so disrespectful.  Bratty.  Entitled.  And you know what?  That well may be the case.  I wouldn’t know.  My teen, his 11 year old brother (who in many respects acts like a teen) and all their teenaged friends are delightful, pleasant people who I’m always happy to be around.  But for the sake of argument, I’ll say that the naysayers are right.  Teens today are more troubled than ever before.   If that were true, would it make any kind of logical sense to be anything but more compassionate, more available, and more engaged?   Would it not be more important than EVER to be there for them, to be their partner, to be that person – maybe the only person in their life – who takes them by the hand and says, “You know what, no matter what happens, I’m on your side.”   It seems to me that the teenaged years are a time to keep your relationship a top priority, not a time to actually further remove yourself from their lives (which, if you’re banishing them to the front porch is exactly what you’re doing… in a best-case scenario)

But he needs to be taught a lesson!  He needs to learn he can’t miss curfew!

I would argue that the curfew was unnecessary in the first place.    People with trusting relationships don’t need to place arbitrary limits on each other’s comings and goings.  But the curfew was there, and for whatever reason he missed it.  So what lesson might he learn from his parents’ actions?  For one thing, he’ll learn not to get caught next time.  He’ll learn not to trust his parents, and that his parents don’t trust him.  He’ll learn that being out with his friends feels like a safer, happier, more accepting place than being in his own home.  He’ll learn that when he goes through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life (and he will go through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life) that his parents will be the last people he can turn to for unconditional love, honest advice, and a supportive, sympathetic ear.

Being a teenager can be challenging at times, to be sure.  You’re trying to find your place in the world, you’re walking the fine precipice between childhood and adulthood, you’re pushing your own limits, and you’re figuring out how you want to navigate the life that’s unfolding around you.  In many ways, it’s not unlike the growing pains that my soon to be 4-year-old is experiencing, as she steps from babyhood to being a “big girl.”  Helping her, and my boys, as they transition to the next phase of their lives is teaching me to be even more present in their lives.  To be even more of a parent, a partner, and a friend.  To be more compassionate, to be more understanding, and to be more connected.

And I can’t very well do that if I’m locking them out of the house.

29 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, teens

January 6, 2012 · 12:26 PM

You’re not good enough

I have been sitting on this post for two days now, and while I’ve certainly held onto posts for longer than that, this time I just can’t stay silent any longer.   I feel sick to my stomach about this.

‘Human Barbie’ Sarah Burge Gives 7-Year-Old Daughter Breast Implant Voucher

Now, setting aside any moral or parenting issues for a moment, I have to start off by admitting a bias.   Cosmetic plastic surgery in general sort of…. well, it confuses me.  It seems to me that successful plastic surgery should be no different than properly applied makeup, ie:  you shouldn’t be able to tell you even had it.  You should look like the best version of YOU, not like a plastic caricature of Barbie someone else.   So when it’s taken to the extreme and you’re walking around with a frozen, expressionless face that screams, “I had plastic surgery!” doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?

I don’t want to judge this mother though, I really don’t.   I feel sad for her.  I can only imagine what kind of issues lead a woman to spend $800,000 in a quest to look like a Barbie doll.    Those are not the actions of a healthy, self-accepting, well-adjusted person to be sure.  But the fact is, this really isn’t about her.  This is about an innocent and beautiful and perfect-the-way-she-is child who is being robbed of the most important thing a parent can give:  unconditional love.  This is about a child who is being told,  “You’re not good enough.”

“Happy Birthday sweetheart!  When you’re sixteen, you can get big boobs like Mommy.”  You’re not good enough

“Come watch me get my next dozen procedures, and see what you have to look forward to.”  You’re not good enough

“I’m going to help you become beautiful.”  You’re not good enough

Mom is quoted in the article as saying, “Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal” If that is in fact true, am I alone in thinking that it’s heartbreaking that a 7-year-old would be begging for a boob job?   I have a 7-year-old.  He thinks about video games, playing with his friends, getting ice cream from the ice cream truck, and what sport he’s going to try next.  He does not think about body-altering elective surgeries.

And my little girl….

Tegan is not quite four at the time of this writing.  She is strong, and funny, and intelligent, and beautiful.   I love her, and more importantly she loves herself, exactly the way she is.   The only thing that disturbs me more than the thought of her looking forward to a hypothetical breast-enlargement surgery a decade in the future, is the thought of knowing that it was something *I* made her think was necessary.   Something that I in fact gave to her as a gift!

God knows I have my own insecurities.  But I will be damned if I pass them on to my children.  Having children, and especially having a girl, has pushed me to examine my own sense of self-worth and my own acceptance of my body, flaws and all.   And,

(I’m going to talk about boobs for a minute, so you might want to turn away if that’s too much for you.  Or if you’re my dad)

I have small boobs.  Small, as in bra shopping inevitably turns into a humiliating exercise in “Yeah… you may be more comfortable in a double A”, at which point I’m directed to a tiny rack with exactly 4 styles of bras, of either the plain training bra variety, or with padding from here to Pittsburgh.   But you know what?   I’m perfectly okay with it.   Not only am I perfectly okay with it, I’m happy.   This is what I’ve been given.  They suit me.   They’ve nursed 4 babies.   Now, I truly hope that my girl continues to accept her body, and eventually her breasts, in the same way… whether they’re big, small, or somewhere in between.   And if she ever decides to change them, or enhance or nip or tuck any other aspect of her body, it will be her choice, and not a desire born out of a mother teaching her that she won’t be beautiful until she’s spent nearly a million dollars on cosmetic procedures.  It won’t be because she’s learned at SEVEN that beauty is something that you buy.

This little seven-year-old girl has had the choice taken from her.  She’s never had the chance to know what it’s like to accept and love her body just as it is.   She’s never had the chance to know what it’s like to have her own mother accept and love her just as she is.  And that’s inexcusable.  She should be told, and shown, that she is perfect just the way she is.  She should be told, and shown, the truth in the old adage about “beauty coming from the inside.”  She should be told, and shown, that your value and worth as a human are not dependent on your outward appearance.  A seven-year-old should be innocent, soaking up the world, goofing off with her friends, running around the playground, dreaming of becoming a doctor or an astronaut or a world class equestrian.  She should not be dreaming of getting a big set of silicone boobs.

To this mom, I want to say that I feel for you.  I do.  You’re chasing after something that you’ll never grasp.  You’re telling yourself day after day that you’re not good enough either, and that is undeniably sad.   But it’s not about you anymore.  Once you become a parent, it’s never just about you again.

Yes, you’re an adult, and you make your own decisions.  Make yourself look like Barbie.  Hell, make yourself look like a Squinkie.  But telling your 7 year old she should aspire to do the same thing is not okay.

22 Comments

Filed under acceptance, being happy with what is, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting

December 19, 2011 · 9:15 AM

Unconditional Love

 

Christmas is less than a week away.

I’m not dreaming of sugar plums, but I am dreaming of Oreo balls, black and white cookies, and seeing the magic in my kids’ eyes.   I’m thinking of family, and friends, and all the mushy love stuff I tend to avoid the rest of the 364 days of the year.  Christmas is about love, whether you celebrate the birth of Christ, or simply observe it as a day of fun, food and fellowship with those you hold near and dear.

I’ve been thinking about the concept of love ever since I read this article about a week ago.  These are parents that not only truly unconditionally love their children, but also support them and fight for them.   Parents who will do whatever they can to ensure that their children are happy, fully living the lives they were individually created to live.

That’s the way I want to love.

I think a lot of (most?) parents will tell you that they believe in unconditional love, but in practice it’s often easier said than done.  I’ve never liked those sayings that advocate things like telling your child you love him, but dislike his behavior.  Or that say we should “hate the sin but love the sinner.”  Why?  For one thing, that line of thinking makes it far too easy to slide into the conditionality we wanted to avoid in the first place.  Perhaps more important is the fact that our actions speak the truth of our love far more loudly than our words.  Our words may be saying, “I love you unconditionally,” but our actions may be saying, “I love you when you behave the way I want you to behave.  I love you when you make the decisions I want you to make.  I love you when you’re the person I want you to be.”  It can be very difficult for a child to differentiate.

And you know what, it can be hard for an adult too.

Five months ago I pierced my nose.  It was something I’d been wanting to do for a long time, so I was very excited to have finally gone through with it.  I was not, however, excited to tell my parents.  I knew how they felt about facial piercings and I knew what their reaction would be.  (Yes, I’m about to be 38 years old, and I still think about and want that acceptance from my parents)  The moment was brief, but negative as expected.  Now, did I know intellectually that they still loved me?  Of course.   But did I feel unconditionally loved by their response?  Not at all.  And if it felt that way over something as silly and inconsequential as a little piece of jewelry in my nose, how much more devastating it would be to a child dealing with something as huge and life changing as the girl in the article?  To someone dealing with an issue of gender?  Or sexuality?  Or any number of the other “big stuff” that we wrestle with in life, the things that make us want to find just one person to understand.

One person to accept us.

One person to support us.

One person to hold us and tell us sincerely not that they “love us even though…” but that they just. plain. love. us.

I want to be that person for my kids.

10 Comments

Filed under acceptance, mindful parenting, parenting

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

 

 

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

 

 

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

 

 

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

 

 

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom.  When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

October 21, 2011 · 6:07 PM

52 Ways to Have a “Time-In”

Anyone who regularly reads my blog, or knows me in person, will likely know that the girl and I have been experiencing some growing pains lately.   Tegan is amazing, and sweet, and energetic, and funny.  I thank God every day that I get to be her mom, just as I do with her brothers.  And oh, the good days are very, very good….. and the not-as-good days can be, well, hard.  I am learning things I never learned with my first three.  In fact, there have been many times over the past three and a half years that I’ve honestly felt that I’m a first-time parent all over again.  I have been challenged to be a better parent, and a more patient parent, more than ever before.

One thing I’ve discovered this time around is the importance of re-centering and re-connecting when things are getting squirrelly.  When one or both of us are out-of-sorts, when she’s tired or frustrated or overwhelmed, when that moment comes when traditional parenting advice would have you doling out some form of “discipline”…. that is the point that I know it’s time to take a deep breath, a step back, and a moment for both of us to have a break from the situation together.   Rather than removing HER from the predicament and/or the room, we change course and re-gather our bearings, together.  A “time-in,” if you will.

Here are 52 different things that work for us.   (Why 52?  Because that’s the random number that came to my head when I started typing the title.  And because, why not)

1.  Get wet.   Water is amazing at turning a mood around.  Water in a sink, in the tub, from a hose, in a kiddie pool … it all works wonders.  Is it raining?  Go dance in it!!


2.  Play some music.  The kids and I are all in love with the free music sites like Groove Shark.   Favorite songs, whether playing softly in the background, or cranked to high volume, are always a great pick-me-up.

3.  Go outside.  Or, if you’re already outside,

4.  Go inside.  Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery.

5.  Take a field trip.  It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy.  My kids are thrilled to go to the Dollar Store.  They also love going to places like PetSmart to look at the fish.

6.  Dance.  Tegan loves to dance.   She doesn’t even need any music to dance to, but adding it to music makes it even more fun, especially when she does ballet to a rock song, or starts head-banging to a ballad.

7.  Yell.  Sometimes you have to let it out.   Go outside, or better yet, to a secluded spot in the desert (or forest or wherever you live) and yell your little hearts out.

 

8.  Throw something.  A ball, a frisbee, a wadded up piece of paper, a rock in a river….

9.  Bake something.  “Can we make cookies?”  is an oft-heard question around these parts.  (The answer, of course, is yes.)

10.  Grab a camera.  The other day, Tegan was tired and grumpy, and agreed to lay down with me in my bed.  I had my cell phone with me, and she was thrilled when I showed her the self-portrait feature.  She was happy, and relaxed, and entertained for a good hour while we took pictures like these:


11.  Watch a movie.  Don’t forget the popcorn.

12.  Clean something.  It may sound weird, but sometimes a good sweeping, mopping, or scrubbing is fun and relaxing for both of us.

13.  Play with your food.  It is soothing and relaxing to run your hands through and play with dry rice or beans or a little flour.   Not too long ago, I had some ground decaf coffee in the cabinet (which I don’t drink) so I spread it out on a cookie sheet, and the girl happily played, scooped and dumped to her heart’s content.

14.  Yoga, meditation, or prayer.  Or a little bit of all three…. whatever helps you and your child get calm and centered and connected.

15.  Wii Fit.   We use this a lot lately, and it’s a great way to move and have fun at the same time.  If you don’t have Wii, any sort of jumping around and exercising works just as well.

16.  Get your hands dirty.  If you’re Tegan, get your whole body dirty.

 

17.  Spend time with an animal. At the time of this writing, we have a dog, a rat, a tarantula, a fish, and 6 chickens.    If you don’t have a pet, borrow time with someone else’s.   My kids all love going to the grain store where we get our chicken feed, because they get to visit with rabbits, ferrets, baby chicks, and exotic reptiles.

18.  Build something.  Legoes and blocks are always fun, and if you’re feeling more adventurous grab some wood and some nails.

 

19.  Play cards.  We always have several decks – and partial decks – hanging around the house.  Even the littlest kids like to just play with, sort, and fling cards.   There’s Go Fish, War, and Crazy Eights.   And there are a million tricks you can learn to amaze and inspire.   Try this link for ideas.

20.  jacksonpollock.org  It’s just fun.

21.  Color.  Stay in the lines or not.  Your choice.

22.  Put on a costume.  Wear it with pride.

 

23.  Sidewalk chalk.  We like to draw murals, make hopscotch boards and obstacle courses,  and trace our bodies crime-scene style.

24.  Drive.  No need to have a destination.  There’s always a whole new dynamic in the car.

25.  Pull an old game from the closet.  An old favorite, or the one you never want to play because it has a million pieces.

26.  Do a puzzle.   Don’t have a real-life one handy?  Do one virtually.

27.  Play in the laundry.  Even the seven year old still loves it when I dump a clean basket of laundry on his head before I fold it.

28.  Take something apart.  My kids have taken apart everything from old VCRs to Playstations to lawn mowers.

29.  Go to the library.  We usually come home with dozens of books… but it’s always fun browsing and reading even if we don’t.

30.  Do a science experiment.  The boys have accumulated some really cool science kits and chemistry sets.  But even good old baking soda and vinegar works in a pinch.

31.  Have a carpet picnic.  It’s a very well known fact that food tastes better when it’s eaten on a big blanket spread picnic style on the carpet.   Watching the Oscars or the Super Bowl while you eat is optional.

32.  Have a carpet nap.  Because picnicking is tiring.

33.  Look at pictures.  Tegan especially loves it when I dig up pictures from my own childhood.  The older, the better.

 

34.  Call a friend.  My first inclination when I’m having a rough day is to hole up in my own house, and not see, talk, or otherwise socialize with anyone else.  But.  Sometimes it is very helpful for me and the girl to be around a kind and trusted third party.

35.  Read a book.  Or two or seven.  It’s kind of an obvious one, but I couldn’t leave it out.  Get comfy on the couch and read, read, read.

36.  Redecorate.  Hang some new pictures, rearrange the room, or draw on the windows with window markers.  We got an old children’s table and chairs for free, and the girl is sprucing it up herself.

 

37.  Laugh.  Watch a goofy movie, take turns telling corny jokes, or have a silly contest.

38.  Tie yourself in knots.  When I was little, my dad used to put one of his big flannel shirts on my sister and I.  He’d button it all up, then wrap the arms behind our backs and tie them up.  We’d laugh and laugh while we rolled around and tried to escape.

39.  Blow bubbles.  We’ve tried a lot of different fancy bubble blowers and gadgets, but I still think the plain old, inexpensive bottles and wands work the best.  And they make the girl deliriously happy.

40.  Make paper snowflakes.  It’s always fun, no matter what time of year it is.

41.  Replicate a favorite store-bought treat at home.  The internet makes it really easy to make a knock-off of your favorite confection from Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Cinnabon, or whatever strikes your and your child’s fancy.

42.  Playdough.   We also like clay and modeling wax, anything we can squish and mold and shape with our hands.

 

43.  Make an indoor tent.  Chairs + big sheet or blankets = great hideaway for reading, coloring, snacking, or hanging out.

44.  Do nothing.  Seriously.  Just sit, and breathe, and relax, and BE together.

45.  Write a letter.  Not an email (not that emails aren’t great, too)  but a letter.  On paper.    Or draw a picture, or make up a little package of stickers or other goodies, and mail it to a child that you love.

46.  Make a big, huge, list together.  Or, if you already have one, pick something that you haven’t done, and do it.

47.  Go for a walk.  Stop and look at trees and rocks and leaves and sticks.  Let your child lead.

 

48.  Sew something.  The kids love it when I have the sewing machine out, but good old needle and thread works too.  For tiny fingers, lacing with big beads is always fun.

49. Shoot a Nerf gun.  We have a LOT of Nerf guns laying around our house.  I’m always surprised at what a stress reliever it is when I pick one up and shoot it.  For the older boys, we also have bb guns and bows and arrows.

50.  Massage.  Even lots of babies enjoy massages (It’s a good idea to be versed in infant massage first)  You can massage your toddler, or have her give YOU a massage.  Tegan loves walking up and down my back while I lay on the floor.  Win/win.

51.  Let them cry.  No, not in the leave them alone in a room, and make them cry-it-out way.  But sometimes, a person just has to cry.  There have been times when I’ve done absolutely everything I can possibly think of, and the girl is just so tired or frustrated or disappointed that she just needs a good cry.  So I let her know I’m there, hold her if she wants me close, and I let her cry.

And finally,

52.  Break the rules.   We don’t really do rules in our house.  We do principles, and they generally just apply to treating ourselves, and each other, with respect.  But I know a lot of people do have rules, and rather than viewing those difficult days as a time to more strictly adhere to the rules, I think the opposite is in order.  Let that be the one time you have cookies before dinner, or stay up past bedtime, or jump on the couch.

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

20 Comments

Filed under about me, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting