Category Archives: hypocrisy

May 25, 2015 · 1:09 PM

I Won’t Throw Stones… Unless You’re LGBT

Two fast points right off the top:

This is going to be long.
This post was originally going to be about something else.

The whole thing started with Bruce Jenner. He had just done his interview with Diane Sawyer in which he discussed his transition from male to female. I didn’t watch the interview, for no other reason than I wasn’t particularly interested, but from what I understand, Bruce is happy now, after denying who he was for a long time. I’m a big champion of people following their own path, and being their own authentic selves, whoever that may be. So I say… Go Bruce.

Shortly after the interview aired, Matt Walsh posted an article in which he was being, well… Matt Walsh… calling Jenner “a sick and delusional man.”

Partially in response to Walsh, Jarrid Wilson then wrote a really lovely and grace-filled blog post, reminding us that as Christians, our job was really nothing more than to extend love and compassion to Bruce Jenner, like we would to anyone else. It always amazes me when people want to refute a call to love, but refute it they did, complete with admonitions that we have the responsibility to call people like Bruce Jenner out on their sin, and that we need to “speak the truth in love” (which, by the way, is one of the most awful things I think Christians say… right up there with “love the sinner, hate the sin.”)

So – at least in conservative Christian circles – Walsh was praised and Wilson was condemned.

Bruce Jenner IS WRONG! It’s disgusting! It’s A SIN! We need to tell him! We need to tell EVERYONE! Let’s shout it from the rooftops! The world is going to hell!

And sure, they’ll recite their “love the sinner, hate the sin” rhetoric, but make no mistake… nothing about the anti-LGBT crusade is loving. Its whole entire reason for being is to hurt and condemn: the adult equivalent of the old grade-school tactic of putting someone else down to raise yourself up.

Of course, it’s not like this is anything new. This has been going on forever. I’ve been writing about this forever. But there’s just been SO MUCH of it lately. Just a couple of days ago, I received a several-paragraphs-long email outlining in great detail how unkind and unloving I am to advocate for being more loving towards LGBT folks. (??) I’m damning them to a life in hell, she tells me, because by not calling them out on their sin, I’m taking away their opportunity for a chance of redemption, which is the most hateful thing I could possibly do.

It’s not the first time I’ve received a message of that sort – apparently writing about issues of faith seems to invite people to try to judge me/save me/throw Bible-verses-as-weapons at me – but given the current societal climate it irked me.

I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I am so indescribably tired of this unfair and hateful treatment, thinly veiled in “biblical values”, towards this one specific segment of society.

So that’s what I was going to write about. How it needed to stop. How people needed to take a step back, gain some perspective, and focus on their own sin. Think it’s a sin to be in a homosexual relationship? Don’t be in one. Think it’s a sin to have gender reassignment surgery? Don’t get it. But this constant persecution is damaging and hurtful and pretty much the opposite of anything that Jesus ever espoused.

Then something happened. And now I’m more disgusted with the culture of mainstream Christianity than I think I’ve ever, ever been.

The details are still surfacing, but it’s come to light that Josh Duggar (of the infamous 19 Kids and Counting Duggars) molested 5 young girls, four of them his siblings, over the course of 3 years when he was a teenager. His parents, though aware of the abuse, did nothing about it for over a year. When they did finally deal with it, they did so by keeping it “in house.” He was disciplined by his father. He got a “talking-to” by a police officer friend who never pressed charges (an officer who is currently serving jail time for child pornography). He met with his pastor who helped arrange some sort of supposed rehabilitation in the form of living with yet another family friend for a few months and helping him perform physical labor.

This seems as good a time as any to point out that sexual assault is a serious crime, and should be treated as such … not merely “dealt with” at home.

There are so very many things wrong with this scenario, and how it was handled, that I don’t even know where to start.

But oh how Christians are defending the Duggars!!!

Josh Duggar shouldn’t be vilified. He was just a kid.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

He made a mistake, and he said he was sorry. Who hasn’t made mistakes as a teen?

He was just young and curious.

They dealt with it in their family, and it’s not our place to judge them.

People are being way too harsh and judgmental.

Judge not lest you be judged.

People in glass houses….

They were an inspiration before, and they’re still an inspiration now.

I’m ……. Seriously? Are you kidding me?

So, same-sex attraction is such a vile thing, such a pertinent issue to address, that people feel compelled to write to me (some random heterosexual internet stranger who just happens to believe that people have the right to love who they want to love), to warn me of its dangers….. but molestation of young children, a teenaged boy fondling the genitals of his baby sisters, is shrugged off as a teenaged “mistake”… it’s not our place to judge… how dare we cast stones at this upstanding Christian family!….. And after all he did say he was sorry……

My level of disgust is matched only by my confusion. How do you defend a child molester? How do you justify freely throwing your proverbial stones at someone because of their sexual orientation, yet demure because of a sudden sense of self-righteousness when it comes to a beloved Christian family that happens to includes a son who sexually violated children?

And don’t misunderstand. I’m not advocating for the stoning of anyone. My point is not to publicly flog the Duggars. Actually what I think should happen now that this has been made public is that the whole family should be investigated, and that someone should ensure that the children are currently safe, and that they have received, and are currently receiving, the needed support. Based on the teachings of some of the people the Duggars follow, I don’t think it’s unlikely that there is lot more going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. Such deviant behavior generally doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and if Josh Duggar was indeed a victim as well, he too should be receiving appropriate counseling that will address it.

What we SHOULD NOT DO is continue to sweep his crimes under the rug and excuse them as mere childhood curiosity. We should not defend this “good, Christian family” as if they’re somehow people we should emulate. We should not stand sweetly behind a philosophy of “Oh it’s not my place to judge” when it comes to something as vile and heinous as child molestation and incest.

HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED CHILDREN. His parents knew it was happening. I’m going to judge.

Is he genuinely sorry? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by his victims? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by God? That’s between him and God. But I’m not going to sit here – as a Christian, as a human, as a parent of both boys and a little girl – and excuse what he did.

And the fact that the very same people who are doing the excusing are the people who have no problem standing on a soapbox in judgement of the man who works hard all day and just wants to come home and kick back with a beer and a TV show with Adam instead of Eve…. is a hypocrisy of the most disgusting kind.

You’re essentially saying:

Homosexuality = bad

Child Molestation = eh, everyone makes mistakes.

I have never been as disillusioned and disappointed with the current state of the institution of Christianity as I am right now. I love God. I Love God. I am an all-in, whole-hearted, unabashed follower of Christ (even if I never share those stupid Facebook posts that start by attempting to shame you with “99% of you won’t pass this on”……) I will always be a follower of Christ. But this? Defending the actions of a child molester, while railing out the other side of your mouth about “sick and delusional men” just because you can’t personally relate to their path? That’s something I’ll never be a part of. If I had any remaining sliver of hope that there was a place for me in the whole of American Christianity, that hope is gone.

God, save me from your followers.

22 Comments

Filed under faith, headlines, hot topics, hypocrisy, rant

August 6, 2012 · 1:32 PM

I’m a Hypocrite (and sometimes I don’t recycle)

A truth about blogging: Sometimes no matter how carefully you choose your words, no matter how diplomatic and respectful you feel you’re being, no matter how clearly you think you’ve shared your viewpoint…. you still get called judgmental. Short-sighted. Preachy. Hypocritical.

Hypocritical. Hypocritical. Hypocritical.

The odd thing is the perverse pleasure people seem to take in pointing out this perceived hypocrisy. “Admit it! You’re a hypocrite!!”

Okay, I’m a hypocrite. So what? I don’t mean to be flip, and of course I strive not to be a hypocrite. It’s just that everyone (at least if s/he’s being honest) is a hypocrite sometimes. We all mess up. We vow to do better. We change our minds. We learn. We grow. We mess up again. We’re human.

I’ve kept this blog for over 6 years now. I GUARANTEE you that I’ve contradicted myself. I guarantee you that I’ve written posts I’m no longer proud of. I guarantee you that I haven’t always been as nice as I could have been.

The only difference between me and anyone else is that my missteps are out there on the internet for all to see and critique.

And if I don’t happen to be writing about it, you can rest assured that I’m living it.

Yes, sometimes I’m a hypocrite.

Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and I snap at my husband.

Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and I snap at my kids.

Sometimes I gossip.

Sometimes I judge people too quickly.

Sometimes I’m impatient.

Sometimes I’m just too damn tired to rinse out the peanut butter jar, and I throw it in the trash instead of the recycling bin which is right. next. to. it.

And you know what? I refuse to beat myself up about any of the above. If you’d like to beat me up for it, that’s certainly your prerogative. Indeed, it’s easy and convenient to make a snap judgment about someone based on one real moment (I know… I’ve done that too…) rather than recognizing each other for what we really are: fellow travelers at various ports in this journey of life. Growing through our trials, learning from our mistakes, and waking up each day with a new resolve to do better. At the end of the day, we’re not much different, you and I.

I’m not yet the person I want to be, but that’s okay…. because He’s not done working on me yet.

And thank God for that.

16 Comments

Filed under about me, acceptance, growing up, hypocrisy, judgement, learning, life

August 2, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Dear Chick Fil A: I Love You, But…

Chick Fil A.

You’re sick to death of hearing about it. I am too. BELIEVE ME, I am too. Two days ago, I vowed I would not weigh in. Yesterday I realized I had no choice, if for no other reason than to preserve my own sanity and get it off my chest, if not off my news feed.

I am a huge proponent of respecting other people’s right to have their own opinions, and to voice those opinions as they see fit. Let me just start there. One of the things that has bothered me about this from the start (and there are so very many things that bother me about it) is that those of us who don’t agree with Dan Cathy’s stance are getting accused of not respecting his right to free speech. Of course he has the right to speak. Is anyone actually saying he doesn’t? That’s an honest question… I’ve read so many ugly words coming from both sides that at some point I started tuning them out.

Another one I’m seeing a lot of is a graphic that says: “‘I disagree’ is not equal to ‘I hate you.'” Absolutely. Merely disagreeing, and harboring hatred are two entirely different things.

Here’s the problem…

I’m of the opinion (and remember, Dan Cathy gets to have an opinion. I get to have an opinion. We all get to have an opinion) I’m of the opinion that the Bible is not nearly as black and white on the issue of homosexuality as most of my fellow Christians would have you believe. Setting that conversation completely aside, let’s say for the sake of argument that homosexuality is wrong. There still remains the fact that the Bible is exceedingly clear on one thing. We are called to LOVE.

Of course, of course! Love the sinner, hate the sin.

No. No, no, no. Love the sinner (and we’re all sinners). Period. I believe that that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” admonishment is one of the most hurtful and damaging phrases ever to be uttered. If we’re actively hating something about someone else, we believe they should change. We’re making our love conditional, and half-hearted at best. In essence we’re saying, “I love you, but…” Can any good come after that ‘but’? To truly and completely love, we just have to LOVE. With no strings, and no conditions. Think homosexuality is a sin? So is pride. So is arrogance. So is gossip. So is judgement.

Love anyway.

Chick Fil A donates money – millions of dollars worth of money – to organizations whose whole reason for existence is to fight against, and ostracize, gay individuals… including groups that link homosexuality to pedophilia, groups that feel homosexuality should be outlawed, groups that think homosexuals should be exported from our country, and groups that believe homosexuality is something that can be “prayed away.” One of these groups is the Family Research Council, which has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. I ask you, implore you, in all sincerity …. if you were homosexual, or your child or your best friend or your brother were homosexual, would any of the above groups (or the organizations such as Chick Fil A that support them) make you feel particularly loved?

I’ll be honest: I’ve never eaten at Chick Fil A, mainly because I just don’t eat that kind of food. And I’m certainly not going to start now, not because I simply disagree (I want to be really clear about that) but because just as it’s their right to financially support blatantly anti-gay organizations, it’s my right not to. And yes, I’m aware that I’m likely supporting other such organizations without even knowing about it…. but when you know better, you do better. I want my dollars to support groups that promote love, not more division.

I have seen so much righteous indignation, name-calling, and judgment from both sides of the issue. I’ve seen well-meaning Christians proudly boasting about their support of a company that they may or may not realize gives money to a known hate group; and I’ve seen detractors casually throwing out words like bigots, and homophobes, and haters.

I’ve seen people telling Dan Cathy in no uncertain terms where to go and how to get there. And that’s clearly not the answer here either.

These are real people … people with failings and shortcomings to be sure … but real people, who are so much more than a cause or a principle or a religious or political crusade. And as I’ve thought about it, and pulled it apart, and boiled it down, I’ve realized that my responsibility here is no more and no less than to love. Simply. Fully. Unconditionally.

And man, it’s simple in premise but not always easy in practice. It’s hard to love people sometimes. Sadly, ~~often~~ sometimes, my fellow Christians are the hardest of all. But I honestly do want to love like Jesus loved. I don’t ever want to fall back on “loving the sinner and hating the sin.” I don’t want to put conditions on my love. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. So I will say to Dan Cathy and to others who support groups that aim to oppress, disparage, and ostracize others, “I love you”.

And then I’ll just stop talking.

68 Comments

Filed under acceptance, bible, faith, hot topics, hypocrisy, kindness, life, perspective, rant, respect

June 2, 2012 · 6:35 PM

The Problem with Facebook Parenting

I’m disheartened.

I’ve been getting two diametrically opposed types of comments and messages lately. The first is people pointing my attention to various articles, stories and posts about things that they know I’ll disagree with parenting-wise, and that they hope I’ll write about. I appreciate that because 1) it’s humbling to think anyone would want my opinion about anything at all, and 2) if I’m going to write about parenting, I need to constantly keep up with what’s going on. The other, people telling me that I’m focusing too much on negatives, and should just worry about my own family, is appreciated as well (if it’s done somewhat kindly) because it keeps me balanced and in check. No one wants to read a constant barrage of bitter diatribes, and I get that.

But I can’t keep quiet about this trend of parenting by humiliating your child on Facebook. I can’t. And what’s bothering me just as much as these stories themselves, is the number of people who don’t seem to see anything wrong with it.

Because there is something wrong with it.

You all saw the video of the dad shooting his daughter’s laptop. Since then, it’s seemed to have spawned a dozen copycats. There was the mom who edited her daughter’s profile picture with a big, red X over her mouth when she didn’t like the girl’s language, accompanied with the text, “I do not know how to keep my [mouth shut]. I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why.” There was the dad who posted a picture of his son, crying, with a board around his neck that read, “I lied to my family.” More recently, there was a mom who punished her (underage) daughter for posting a picture with alcohol in it by photographing her – again, crying- while holding a sign reading, “Since I want to post photos of me holding liquor I am obviously not ready for social media and will be taking a hiatus until I learn what I should + should not post. BYE-BYE.” And many more in between.

(*I purposely did not provide the links, but they are unfortunately easily found through Google.*)

So what’s the problem? Well, setting aside the obvious issue of hypocrisy… Since you can’t use the internet appropriately, I’ll model appropriate use for you by using it to shame and humiliate my offspring (??)… there is the both deeper and more basic matter of how we treat each other:

Purposely and publicly humiliating someone you love is not a nice thing to do.

Have you ever been really humiliated? It’s not just embarrassment. Humiliation hurts. I remember once in high school, someone took a… compromising, I guess you’d say… photo of a classmate at a party, taped it to piece of paper with some biting commentary, and somehow got it behind the glass in the trophy display case. By the time an administrator could come with a key, it had been seen and laughed at by half the school. Another time, there was a school play, and there was one scene where the stage was occupied by a lone girl giving a monologue. She was not a member of any of the “popular” cliques, and she was overweight… both of which made her an easy target for bullies. The auditorium was silent as she paused between lines, and in the silence came a loud and projecting voice in the audience that shouted, “How Now, Brown Cow?” Some people laughed, some were stunned with sympathy, and the girl ran off the stage in tears.

That’s humiliation.

In both of those cases, the one doing the humiliating was not a trusted friend but just another person in a sea of classmates. The humiliation took place in front of 50, maybe 100, people. How much worse would it feel to be humiliated by a parent who loves you, someone you’re supposed to be able to go to with your problems, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust? How much worse would it feel to not only have it shared with your friends and family, but to have it broadcast to thousands, to tens of thousands, to tens of millions all across the internet? To have it splashed about as though it were entertainment? Do you think that this child is going to turn to their parent the next time they’re struggling with something?

No good can come to a relationship from such an incredible breach of trust. Would it work in terms of changing the child’s behavior? Possibly… although I’d argue that it’d be just as likely to backfire and actually increase the behavior in an act of rebellion. And I don’t know about you, but I never want my kids to behave in a certain way just for the sake of behaving, or out of fear of what my next public punishment might be. Whenever I’m faced with a question of how to proceed with my kids, I ask myself if my chosen course of action will bring us closer together or pull us further apart. What matters to me most is our relationship, and the knowledge that when they do encounter a hurdle or a problem or a stumbling block or a mistake (and they will, because they’re human) that they’ll feel they can come to me, and that I’ll listen.

Before I get the cries of, “Who the hell are you to judge these families?? You don’t know what kind of problems they have. You don’t know what goes on inside their house…” That’s correct. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know. In fact, I have a lot of compassion for these families, because they’re obviously a) at a very desperate place in their parenting journey, or b) don’t know that there are alternatives… both of which are sad situations to be sure. I once received an email from someone who was certain I was going to judge her, because she’d called the cops on one of her teenaged children who was abusing drugs. And another who’d actually had to kick a child out of her house in order to keep peace within the home. And here’s the thing: I’ve never dealt with either of those issues. I don’t know what that’s like, and I could never say with certainty how I would or would not handle it.

I will say this though: there is a big difference between privately being a catalyst for help, for doing what you need to do to keep your children and/or family members safe; and very publicly and purposely humiliating your child in the name of “discipline.”

Despite what this barrage of current stories might tell you, “parenting” over Facebook is not cool, it’s not funny, and it’s not helpful. But more than any of the above, it’s just not nice.

15 Comments

Filed under Facebook, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, hypocrisy, mindful parenting, parenting

February 14, 2012 · 10:13 AM

When is it okay to “judge”?

Judgment. It’s a word I’ve seen so many times over the past few days, it has lost all meaning. “Who are you to judge?” “Well aren’t we judgmental” “It is not our place to judge….” My blog post about Tommy Jordan has the distinction of being the post that garnered the most comments I’ve gotten with this particular word, ever.

And I’m okay with that.

Here are a few of the definitions of judge by dictionary.com:

8. to form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically: You can’t judge a book by its cover.

9. to decide or settle authoritatively; adjudge: The censor judged the book obscene and forbade its sale.

10. to infer, think, or hold as an opinion; conclude about or assess:

13. to act as a judge; pass judgment: No one would judge between us.

14. to form an opinion or estimate: I have heard the evidence and will judge accordingly.

15. to make a mental judgment.

When people read my blog – or anyone’s blog – or read anything on the internet, they do all of the above. They form an opinion, they infer, they think. Ironically, all the people pointing their finger at me at shouting, “You’re JUDGING, shame on you!!” are doing the exact same thing they’re accusing me of doing. They’re forming an opinion of me based on a snap shot of whatever words I’ve chosen to share.

I think we’ve gotten so wrapped up in a “to each his own” kind of world, that we’re so careful of not “judging”, that we try so hard to be politically correct, that it’s suddenly not okay to point to something and say, “Wow. That is messed up.” Unless of course you’re pointing to the person who’s doing the pointing. Then apparently it’s okay. Then you’re a defender of justice. “Who are you to judge this person??? I would NEVER judge a person without knowing all the details.”

Yesterday, a friend on Facebook posted that she’d overheard a neighbor calling her 15 year old daughter a “stupid asshole.” The first comment said, “Maybe her daughter was acting like a stupid asshole. Teenagers are known to.” It was followed up with, “doesn’t make it right. But I wouldn’t judge a parent for one bad moment.” That word judge again. Are we really so afraid of judging that it’s not okay to hold the opinion that calling your child a “stupid asshole” isn’t a very nice thing to do?

It doesn’t mean I think I’m better than anyone.

It doesn’t mean I think this person is a terrible parent.

It doesn’t mean that I haven’t made my own mistakes.

It doesn’t mean I’m an expert on their family dynamic.

It doesn’t mean that I think I’m perfect. (more things I’ve heard over the past couple of days)

It simply means that I disagree – strongly – with that particular decision. And honestly? If I ever reached that breaking point, that point where I felt I had no other recourse than to hurl insults and obscenities at my child, I would hope that someone would judge me. I would hope that someone would stand up and say, “Whoa. Stop. Jen, what are you doing?”

A runner-up to the “judgmental” comments was “hypocritical”. I’m a hypocrite because I advocate for respect, but I don’t respect Tommy Jordan’s parenting choices.

I want to be very, very clear when I say this: I respect a lot of choices that are different from my own. As a stay-at-home mom, I respect working parents. As a homeschooling parent, I respect parents whose children go to school. As a heterosexual married woman, I respect same-sex couples. As a Christian, I respect other beliefs.

I do not respect Tommy Jordan’s “parenting choice” to publicly intimidate, mock, and insult his daughter.

I don’t need to know more details to fairly come to that decision. He chose to show us those eight minutes of his life, and that was more than enough for me.

But I don’t wish him ill. In fact I hope that someone, somewhere can touch his life and help him and his daughter. I hope that he’s receptive to that help. I hope that the insane amount of notoriety that this video has brought upon his family can be somehow used in a positive way. I hope that what he chose to show us was just a man having a really bad day, and that it was not indicative of his parenting as a whole. I hope that his family is more peaceful and more connected than they appear.

I’m not angry at Tommy Jordan. I’m sad for him. I’m sad for his daughter. I’m sad that the great public movement that has come out of this seems to be not learning from his example, but instead focusing our energies on attacking those who dare “judge” him.

11 Comments

Filed under about me, blogging, hypocrisy, judgement, parenting

February 6, 2012 · 6:00 AM

The woman at the park

There was an incident at the park the other day. I witnessed, and ultimately tried to stop, a sad display of hatred towards children.

I have written about unkindness I’ve seen in public before. Two I can think of right off the bat were Natalie’s mother, and the old man at the grocery store. In those two cases though, I was a silent observer. Just another person in the crowd, watching what was unfolding, and not doing anything to stop it. This time I was a participant. Right there in the front lines as it were. I voluntarily inserted myself into the situation, boldly hoping for…. well, I don’t know what I was hoping for. I just knew I had to do it.

But I should start at the beginning.

It was a Friday, and most Fridays we’re at park day. I say “most” Fridays because I often try to get out of it. Not because I don’t have a good time (I do), and not because the other mothers aren’t wonderful (they are). Just because I’m a homebody and an introvert, and the thought of socializing for hours with dozens of other people makes me… tired. But this Friday, we were there.

The boys were all off with their friends clear across the park, playing football or frisbee, or whatever it is that they do. Tegan (almost 4) had just run across the playground with our friend Hannah (11), settling in to play in one of her favorite spots: the shady spot in the sand under the little kids’ playground.

They hadn’t been playing for long before Hannah came running back over to us, telling us that “an old lady had yelled at them,” and had told her and some other older kids that they had to leave the area because it was for younger kids only. We looked over and saw the lady in question, a couple of preteens simply hanging out and chatting, a toddler happily undisturbed in his play, and Tegan, still quietly sitting in the sand.

We told her she was fine, and that there were no hard and fast rules about who could play where. Besides, she was there with Tegan, clearly a “younger kid”, and was in essence acting as her caregiver.

A few minutes later, she came back to tell us that the lady had called them “stupid.” Now, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Not because I didn’t trust Hannah’s word, but because I know that sometimes when you’re already feeling downtrodden that it’s easy to misinterpret. Maybe the woman had used the word “stupid” but hadn’t actually directed at anyone in particular.

So I waited, and I watched. Eventually the woman left the area to sit on a bench, and as more and more kids – of all ages – gathered to play on and around the equipment, she eyed them. Oh how she eyed them! Tegan wanted me to dig with her in the sand, in the middle of the playground, so I had a front row seat when the woman went from eying to acting. She strode over to where the kids were playing, and just as Hannah had reported, ordered them to leave. I couldn’t hear the entire conversation, but I could clearly hear her as she shouted, “You stupid kids!”

I got up and approached her.

(Let me stop here for a minute. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know that I DO NOT LIKE confrontations. Do not. Even over the internet, I have to be pretty provoked, it gives me a stomach ache, and I stress about it for days. So you can imagine my enthusiasm for the real-life variety)

But there I was, striding across the sand, feeling all Erin Brockovich.

“Excuse me,” I said to her, interrupting her as she demanded that one of the little boys take her to his mother. “I was just wondering why you’re calling these children stupid?”

“They are stupid! They’re disrespectful little brats who are blatantly disregarding the law, and this legal notice for them to stay away from this equipment.” She waved her arm at the sign in front of the playground. “This is for little kids only.”

“M’aam, I really don’t think that sign is a law. Those are just suggested ages.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT IT SAYS!”

I wanted to get the full story, I really did. If they were truly doing something wrong, I wanted to know about it. From what I could see, they’d simply been playing, until she harrassed them. So I calmly asked, “Were they disrupting any little kids at all? Getting in their way, hurting anyone?”

“No, but they’re hurting the equipment!! It’s not designed for bigger kids.”

And she wasn’t done. “And when I told them they needed to leave, these stupid kids did not respect me as an authority figure. They have no respect for authority.”

“Well, to be honest with you, I would have a hard time respecting someone who was resorting to calling me stupid too.”

“I don’t have to show respect for children!! We don’t have to respect children. But they are supposed to show respect to adults no matter what!”

(Oh no she DID NOT just say that. But sadly, she did.)

“Kids have just as much right to be treated with respect as – ” she cut me off then, and started shaking her head.

“Go ahead, defend them, and they’ll grow up never respecting authority, never having any respect for anyone, thinking they can do whatever they want….. Stupid disrespectful kids…”

“Well, maybe if you tried talking to them without name calling…”

She’d pretty much turned her back on me by then, shaking her head and scoffing, “Say what you want. They’re disrespectful kids. Black is black.”

Now – in the interest of fairness – I have to say that somewhere in the middle of all of this, one child (out of the group of at least a dozen that had gathered around us) had started arguing back with her, telling her to “shut up”, and at one point returning one of her “you’re stupid kids” with a “well, you’re old!” Was that the right way to handle the situation? Of course it wasn’t. I’m not arguing that. But was he provoked? Absolutely. And at what I’m guessing to be about 10, he lacks the maturity that one would hope the 60-something year old lady he was arguing with should have possessed. And honestly, with her attitude and flat-out assertion that she doesn’t need to show respect for kids, I don’t blame him for his feelings.

I wish I could say that there was a tidy ending to my story, but there was not. It just…. fizzled. It ended with her turning away from me in a huff, realizing that I wasn’t going to stop defending the kids; and me realizing that she was not going to stop calling them “stupid” long enough to listen to anything I had to say. I ultimately told the kids to just let it go, and that they’d maybe be better off playing elsewhere. Ironically, park day was close to ending by then anyway, and moms were starting to gather up their kids to go home.

I walked away, my heart pounding in my chest, already thinking about what it was I’d actually accomplished. In many ways, I hadn’t accomplished much of anything. The woman clearly did not like children, and I’d done little to change her mind.

I wish she would’ve heard me. I wish I could have told her that when you realize that children are people, when you treat them with respect, when you treat them the way you wish to be treated, that they (just like their adult counterparts) will respond in kind. How much differently it all would have turned out if she’d just talked to them instead of calling them names!

But what I had done – besides gaining the confidence that comes from doing something I would have been too afraid to do even a couple of years ago – was stand up for the kids. Not by thinking about it, not by sitting behind my computer and writing about it, but by literally standing up, walking over there, looking that woman in the eye, and saying, “Hey, kids deserve respect too.”

I stood up for the kids, and I would do it again.

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Filed under gentle parenting, hypocrisy, kids, life, mindful parenting, parenting, respect

June 18, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Haircuts and Hyprocrisy

I cut the boys’ hair yesterday. They’d been asking for awhile, and for various reasons it kept getting pushed further and further back. Since our vacation is fast approaching, we knew we had to commit to doing it and stick to it. Because I’m a dork – and simple things amuse me – I made this:

and Everett taped it to the wall. He and Paxton both called (from the next room) for their appointments, and Spencer looked at me and said, “Mommy. Can’t you just cut my hair?”

Party pooper 🙂

When I got out the clippers for Everett’s mohawk, Tegan begged me to cut hers too. “Okay, sure,” I told her. “I’ll give you a trim,” even though I knew that a trim wasn’t what she really wanted.

She sat in the chair and I gave the very tips of some of her hair a tiny snip with scissors, and she cried. “No, with the clippers! I want it all cut off!! I want it like Spencer’s!” And it wasn’t the first time she’d asked.

Spencer’s hair post-clipping is even shorter than this:

Then (this is the part where I’m a hypocrite), as much as I believe in giving children choices and autonomy, as much as I respect her right to take ownership of her own hairstyle, as much as I know that in the bigger picture, shaving her head wouldn’t have mattered…

I talked her out of it.

Can you blame me?