Category Archives: hot topics

December 4, 2014 · 10:29 AM

race, compassion, and some thoughts after Ferguson

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.  ~ Martin Luther King

There’s a dog barking somewhere in the neighborhood as I write this.  I don’t expect it to bark too long, as most people on my street, as a general rule, tend to let their dogs inside if they’re barking.  There’s a house on the other side of the street whose car alarm goes off at least once a week, sometimes for upwards of ten minutes. But even that is just an annoyance.

It’s a weird thing, living in a big city after so very many years in a small town.  Just a few miles east and the neighborhoods are more affluent, with bigger houses and nicer cars.  Just a few miles west, incomes are lower, and houses are older.  Where we live though, smack in the middle, is pretty solidly middle middle class.   It’s not a fancy new development…. just a regular old street with houses built sometime in the mid to late 80s.    Our neighbors are friendly enough, things are generally quiet and (pleasantly) boring, and I feel safe walking around the block, even if it’s dark out.

I don’t know what it’s like to live in an inner city neighborhood.  I don’t know what it’s like to live in a place with unrest.

I don’t know what it’s like to be someplace like Ferguson.

But I’ll get back to that in a little bit.

Because it’s not just where I live.  As I sit here in my regular old house on my regular old street, in my jeans and Chuck Taylors, drinking my wine while my husband watches The Walking Dead beside me, I’m a cliche.  I’m a 40 year old, white, Christian, stay-at-home mother who’s been married forever.  My husband has a good job.   I have four kids, one dog, and one cat.   I drive an SUV.   I’m a suburban soccer mom (except I don’t live in the suburbs, and none of my kids play soccer.)    We have worked hard for the past 21 years of our marriage, to be sure, but I’ve lived a life of privilege.  No major tragedies.  No major hardships.  No major disadvantages.

I don’t know what it’s like to have to constantly worry that my son walking to the store for Skittles and iced tea might get gunned down and killed before he makes it home.

I’ll get back to that later too.

I was 18 before I saw racism first-hand.  Eighteen!  It sounds so strange to me now, as it’s so much a part of the landscape today.  Had I really lived in that much of a bubble?  It was 1992, and I’d gone away to a Christian college in the south.  We weren’t there for a week before someone said to me and my then-boyfriend (now husband), “So what do you think of black people?”  All casual, as matter-of-factly as if he’d asked us about our favorite TV shows.  What do you think of black people?  When we didn’t answer fast enough (both of us still trying to make sense of the fact that he’d really just asked that) he kept talking:  “I don’t have a problem with them….. as long as they stay in their place.”

1992.

And that was just the first of many such conversations that year that convinced me that not only did racism still exist, but that it was alive and well in a “good Christian college” in Searcy, Arkansas.

And lest I think that it’s not still alive and well, I encountered it again just last week,  when a perfectly friendly (up until that point) encounter with a friend of a friend at a party turned into a discussion of the events in Ferguson.  In one concise little sentence, she boldly and unabashedly (so unabashedly) shared her negative opinion of an entire race of people, and I was once again that 18 year girl in a bubble, wondering if I’d really heard what I’d thought I’d heard.

Racism exists.

And as the national conversation once again turns to racism in the wake of Michael Brown,  Eric Garner, and Tamir Rice’s deaths, people are so quick to deny that race could have played a role, that they are completely sidestepping an issue that so desperately needs to be discussed. A bit of compassion that so desperately needs to be present.   An awareness that so desperately needs to be raised.

Ironically, the same people who are indignantly yelling, “This has nothing to do with race!!” are the same people who are giving in to the very racism that they’re denying.  I saw a meme floating around that read, “Remember how white people rioted after OJ’s acquittal?  Me neither.”  And you know what?  Maybe they didn’t.  But they rioted in Boston when the Red Sox won (multiple times), just one of many, many sports-related riots.  They rioted in Pennsylvania when Penn State fired football coach Joe Paterno after learning that he’d been aware of his assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky’s, molestation of young boys and did not report it.  And just over a month ago, they rioted in Keene, NH…. the little city I grew up going to church in, spent all my weekends with my friends, got my first job, had my first date…. They rioted in Keene during a PUMPKIN FESTIVAL.

White people riot too.

And no one wants to talk about all the people who are exercising their right to demonstrate peacefully.  The ones who are trying to protect their town.  The ones who are just trying to make sense of what’s happened.  The ones who are tired, and broken, and weary and still standing strong.

I hear so many people moaning, “I am so SICK of everything being about race all the time.”   And that very well may be true… but I’d imagine that the people who are actually dealing with said racism are even more tired of it than you are.

And I get it.  It’s a complicated, multi-faceted issue, and it’s one I don’t pretend to understand.

I don’t understand how anyone can blindly, unfailingly trust that the officer is the one in the right, and I don’t understand why questioning it automatically makes someone a “cop-hater.”

I don’t hate cops.

This is what I hate:

I hate systemic injustice.

I hate that people are dying.

I hate that people are more concerned with being right than they are about having some compassion for their fellow human beings.

I hate that Eric Garner died as a result of a choke hold, a move that has been banned by police protocol for the past decade, when he was not being aggressive or attacking the officer in any way.  I hate that the officer was not indicted.

I hate that Tamir Rice, a 12 year old child, was killed by an officer who was declared UNFIT FOR DUTY two years ago.

I hate that there are parents, and sisters, and friends, and wives who have to constantly worry about whether or not their loved one is going to make it home alive.

Mostly I hate that at times like this, when people are outraged and frustrated and emotional, that they’re fighting with each other instead of standing together, having the hard uncomfortable conversations, and saying,

This isn’t right.  This is a problem.

I feel sick about this, and I don’t know the answer.  I don’t.

And I understand that Michael Brown wasn’t a model citizen.  I get that.  And the how and the why of that is a whole other important conversation that needs to be had.  But he was a person. He was a life.  I just can’t wrap my head around  a society that’s okay with him getting killed, unarmed, his body left in the street for four hours.  I can’t wrap my head around a society that’s okay with a 12 year old getting killed,  unarmed, within two seconds of the officer arriving, for playing with an air-soft gun with the orange tab removed.  I can’t wrap my head around a society that’s okay with Eric Garner getting killed, unarmed, in an act that the coroner deemed homicide, an act caught on video tape, an act for which the officer will face no responsibility. Why are we okay with that???

It’s not okay.  None of it’s okay.  I saw people celebrating – celebrating – that Darren Wilson wouldn’t be indicted. Darren Wilson wasn’t indicted, he’s left his job, and Michael Brown is still dead.  An 18 year old kid is dead, but yes, by all means, lets celebrate. Hurray for justice.

I’m told that I’m too led by emotions;  that I fail to see things rationally over my feelings.

I can’t apologize for that.  I can’t.  Because sometimes – a lot of times – I feel like our emotions, our feelings, our heart, our compassion, our empathy … that’s all we’ve got.

So I’ll sit here, in my quiet house on my quiet street (the dog has stopped barking, and it has fittingly started to rain) and I’ll keep talking about it.  I’ll keep asking questions about it.  I’ll keep CARING about it, because I don’t know what else to do.  I’ll send peace and love to the families of Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, and Tamir Rice.  To the ones who are killed or harmed every day that we’ll never even hear about.  To the families who live with constant worry.   To the ones who so very badly want to do good in a system, and a society, that is so very broken.

And as I read back on what I just wrote, my head tells me not to share it.  The words came out wrong;  too much was left unsaid;  I said what I thought I meant but I didn’t say what I meant to say.  But I’ll click “Publish” anyway, terrified that I’ll be persecuted, and knowing full well that I’ll never know what persecution really is.

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October 22, 2014 · 5:44 PM

If You Can’t Say Something Nice: Learning to Keep Quiet About Others’ Appearance

Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Guilty.

Let me just start there. I’m not proud of it by any means, but I’m guilty. Someone will post something about some celebrity’s plastic surgery, and I join in the collective rubber-necking. I look at the pictures. I shake my head. I lament the obvious poor decision making skills of the individual, and/or the ethics of the doctor who would commit such atrocities.

Or on a more intimate – and shameful – level, I’ll do it at the grocery store. Assuaging my guilt by telling myself, “Well it’s not like I’m saying something to them“, I’ll make snap judgments about the skirt that’s too short, the top that’s too revealing, the fit that’s so unflattering.  It’s amazing the vast amount of ways your brain can tempt you (in just a fraction of a second!) into unkindness.

I’ve been convicted as of late to stop this.  To make a conscious decision to no longer engage in such an ugly practice. Ugly, by the way, is not a word I use lightly.  NEVER appropriate to use about someone’s outside appearance (I do honestly believe that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way), actions can be ugly. Thoughts can be ugly. Words can be ugly.

And feeling the need or the right to critique another person’s face or clothes or waist size or boob job?  That’s ugly.

The past couple of days my Facebook newsfeed has been awash with new pictures – complete with commentary – of a popular actress.  People can’t seem to leave her alone.  And it’s not her acting that they’re talking about, or her new movie, or her work at all.   No, her crime is at once more basic and more insidious.

She dared to go out.  In public.  Looking…. different.

Good grief, what is wrong with us?

Of all the things in all the world to discuss, we choose THIS?  Whether or not some celebrity we don’t even know has had plastic surgery, and how, and why, and to what effect?

I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of it in myself, and I’m tired of it in other people.  It’s not nice to criticize others.  It’s not nice to play judge and jury about someone else’s appearance.  I could sit here and talk about society and self-esteem and acceptance and what a bang-up job we’re doing at sabotaging ourselves… but sometimes starting with the basics needs to be enough.   It’s simply not nice, and I don’t want my kids growing up to think it’s okay.  I don’t want my kids growing up with a mom who inadvertently SHOWS them it’s okay!

And so, I’m challenging myself  – and if you’re reading this, I challenge you too – to make the decision to stop.  For 21 days (not only for 21 days, but because 21 days is widely regarded as the length of time it takes to form a new habit), I’m going opt out.  Opt out of reading the articles that focus on someone else’s appearance.  Opt out of the discussions about someone else’s looks.  Opt out of any mental commentary on someone else’s clothing choices .

We’re better than this;  I know we are.  We can have real discussions about important things. About kindness, about beauty, about joy….. not about someone’s lip injections.   We can laugh about life’s absurdities and foibles and whimsy….. not about someone’s haircut.

We can judge each other not based on:

dress size

body modifications

hairstyle

clothing choices

make-up technique….

but on character.

And those times when we catch ourselves?  When we’re tempted with unkindness, when gossip becomes too alluring, when we truly don’t have anything nice to say?  May we be the change we want to see, and not say anything at all.

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September 2, 2014 · 1:17 PM

Naked Pictures and Private Lives

Every Tuesday, I’ve been answering questions I’ve gotten about unschooling and gentle parenting.  I’ll return to that next week, but today I needed to write something else.  

I’ve been sharing about my life here on my blog for over 9 years now.   I’ve always sort of prided myself on the fact that I’ve been fairly transparent, and have not portrayed something that I’m not.  I’m the same person on my blog as I am in my day-to-day life as I am on Facebook as I am when I’m teaching yoga as I am when I’m at church.  I’m simply me, and I have no desire to be anything or anyone else.  It feels disingenuous to me to filter parts of myself based on who happens to be reading.

Some people don’t like social media, and/or would never have a public blog (which is of course their choice to make) in part because they value their privacy.  But that’s truly never felt like an issue for me, because I’m always in control of what I’m sharing.  I share a lot at times, but I don’t share everything.  I still have my goofy, inside jokes with my family and friends.  I still have quiet conversations with the people I trust.  I still have sacred experiences, and photos, and writings that have never left this house, virtually or otherwise.

I still have a private life.

This past week, there was some kind of breach, and a bunch of personal, nude photos of certain celebrities were accessed from personal phones/storage/accounts and shared around the internet.  There is a resulting big, global conversation going on right now…. but much of it is the wrong conversation.  I’m seeing comment after comment disparaging these girls (girls who were victimized and VIOLATED, just to be clear.)

People are allowed to have a private life.  Let me just start there.  Someone who’s famous can indeed expect to give up their anonymity.  They can expect that people are going to be interested in their lives. They can expect to be stopped at Starbucks by their fans.  I even think it’s reasonable to expect that they should be gracious and respectful with their fans, provided said fans are gracious and respectful towards them.

They should not have to expect to give up their private life.  Private lives are just that. Private.  These photos that are out there are PRIVATE PHOTOS.  There’s nothing wrong with taking private photos.  There’s nothing wrong with sharing something private with your spouse or partner.  There’s nothing wrong with being sexual. There’s nothing wrong with expecting that your own private photos, on your own private devices will remain…. private.

But there’s a hell of a lot wrong with stealing, distributing, sharing, and gawking at those photos, and then blaming the person who shot them!!

What’s happening right now is disgusting, and the people who are to blame (the ONLY people who are to blame) are the ones who committed  – and continue to commit – these acts of violation.

I don’t have any naked pictures of myself on my phone.  This is about as naked as you get:

But if I did?  If my phone was full of intimate pictures intended for myself and husband, and those pictures got stolen (please understand what has happened here… those pictures that are out there are stolen) and shared and distributed again and again?  The fault would lie not in me for taking them, but in the people who did the stealing. The people who did the sharing. The people who did the looking.

To say otherwise is to – once again – blame the victim.  Shame on anyone who is still contributing to that cycle of abuse.

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May 5, 2014 · 9:40 AM

Phone Fear and “Real” Relationships

I saw this link about a dozen times on my various newsfeeds before I decided to watch it.   Titled, “Look Up”, its tagline reads that it’s a video “everyone needs to see.”   It would leave me “speechless” with its important message, it promised.  And if some of my friends were to be believed, it’d leave me in tears as well.  It’s heartbreaking!  It’s life-changing!

Well.

I hate to spoil it if you haven’t already watched it, but it didn’t leave me speechless.  It certainly didn’t make me cry. It didn’t break my heart, and it didn’t change my life.  Mostly, it just left me…. annoyed.

Designed to emotionally manipulate people into giving up social media, it was extreme, presumptuous, and steeped in fear.

Look up from your phone or you’ll miss your entire life!  You’ll never have a real relationship! You’ll never fall in love!  You’ll never have kids!  You’ll never see what it’s like outside!   I think my favorite bit was the part that showed a sad empty playground, because – of course – kids have lost the ability, desire, and skill-set necessary to play on the playground since the advent of modern technology.

In short, it is ridiculous, short-sighted fear-mongering.

One thing I will not argue is that relationships are important (absolutely!!), and that they need and deserve our full attention.  And I won’t deny that if anything is taking precedence over said relationships – no matter what it is – that it needs to be checked and evaluated.   This is true if it’s your phone, or your knitting, or a book, or your time spent at the gym.   Relationships matter.

But that’s where the author and I part company.  Because while he states (rather insultingly I might add) that any connection we make online or through the phone is not a “real” connection, I find that my connections are richer and fuller and more meaningful largely because of the aid of this new way of communicating, not in spite of it. Particularly as an introvert, the ability to be able to meet, talk with, and yes…. connect with other like minded souls in so many ways is a God-send.  Indeed, most of my and my kids closest confidants are those we mainly communicate with online.  Whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Skype, or text, having someone there who you can reach out to in an instant is nothing short of a blessing;  not a curse.

Does that mean then, that we never see anyone offline?  (I’m purposely avoiding the oft-used term, “in real life.” IT’S ALL REAL LIFE.)  Of course not.  I love spending face-to-face time with family and friends.  I love playing outside, hiking in the desert, and camping in the woods.  I love going for long walks with my husband and my kids. I love joking and playing with the family around the dinner table.  I love pushing my daughter on the swings.  I love laughing over drinks with girl friends.  I love being a shoulder to cry on, and I love being an ear to listen.

I also love that when life circumstances or finances or geography prevents the above from happening in person, that technology helps provide the next best thing.

Just a few weeks ago, I made a new friend.   Tegan and Everett made fast friends with her children as well, and it’s been really lovely chatting and getting to know each other while we watch the kids splashing in the pool and jumping on the trampoline.

Know how we met?

She found my blog… which showed up in her searches for unschooling because I’ve promoted it through social media. Which I manage through my phone. Which, when she happened to meet another of my friends, made it super easy for the first friend to quickly contact me through text messages.  Which made it convenient to invite us both to her house at the last minute for a get together.  Where we exchanged numbers and emails so we could keep in touch.  Which promptly led to the aforementioned pool splashing and trampoline jumping.

I love my phone.  I love the internet.  I love social media.  I do.  They are truly blessings in my life, for which I am grateful.   They do not however, take the place of real relationships with real people, as this video suggests. Because what it fails to recognize as it attempts to shame everyone into giving up their devices, is that at the other end of that text, and on the other side of that screen…. is a real person…. a real friend, a real connection, a real relationship….  deserving of our attention just as much as anyone else.

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April 7, 2014 · 10:07 AM

Whatever You Did for One of the Least of These… Some Thoughts About World Vision

Alice is a 6 year old girl who lives in Rwanda.  She has big brown eyes, her favorite thing to play is ball games, and she likes to sing.

Jordan is 4.  He lives in Ecuador, has a sweet smile, and loves to play soccer.

Dominic is an 8 year old from Ghana.  His pictures show a gentle soul.  His favorite pastime is rolling tires, and his favorite thing to learn about is science.

All of the above are real children, waiting to be sponsored through World Vision.  I share this with you not to make you feel guilty.  The truth is, I don’t sponsor a child.  In fact, I’ve never personally sponsored a child through World Vision or any other organization.  We’ve mostly chosen to give our money locally, and/or to causes or people that we know personally.  Also, the decision to sponsor a child is a commitment, one that needs to be honored, month after month.  Making such a commitment wasn’t always the best choice for our family, especially during the months and years that we ourselves struggled to make ends meet and put food on the table.

Now though, I’m seriously considering it.  Not just in response to the recent fallout, but also because I think we have a responsibility…. not just as Christians, but as living, breathing, caring human beings who share this planet… to step in and help those who are less fortunate, especially when they’ve been turned away by others. Of this, I am sure.  And I’d certainly like to think that the vast majority of people reading these words would agree. We’re here to help each other.

So where on earth did we go wrong?

Here’s a bit of timeline, for those who are unclear on the details:

 

On March 24th, World Vision (an organization started and run by evangelical Christians) announced that – after much deliberation over the years – their new hiring policy would allow them to hire those in same-sex marriages.

Over the next 48 hours, they were inundated with messages, phone calls, and Facebook posts from angry Christians who disagreed with their decision, and who promptly pulled their sponsorships and support of World Vision.

On March 26th, faced with dropping sponsorships in the thousands,  the people of World Vision felt they had no choice but to officially reverse their decision.

All told, 10,000 children were abandoned by their sponsors.

 

I truly don’t think I’ve ever been as heartbroken or disappointed by my fellow Christians’ behavior as I am over this. And make no mistake.  This is not about homosexuality.  This is about people hurting hungry kids to make a point. This is about taking food from the mouth of a child to take a theological stand.  It’s about people who are clinging so tightly to a belief…. so desperately… so stubbornly… that they’ve completely lost sight of what it is they are holding. How sound is your theology if it causes you, in any way, to take food from a hungry child? How is it showing God’s love if your stance against a group of people – any people – is so great that you’re literally willing to use an impoverished child to make your point?

What difference does it make if Rachel in payroll is married to a woman??

10,000 kids.  I’ve already heard people saying, “Oh that number must be exaggerated.”  I do tend to trust the number, especially since it was given by the president of World Vision himself, but for the sake of argument let’s say it’s exaggerated.  What if it was “only” 1,000?  Would that be okay?  What if it was 100?  10?  What’s an acceptable number of hungry kids left without a sponsor?

The Bible tells a parable of a lost sheep, and a shepherd who so loves and cares for every individual sheep that he will leave 99 sheep behind to go find the one that is lost.  (Matthew 15) Every person is important. Every life is important.

But the more I think about this, the more I realize that the “lost sheep” in this scenario are the ones who honestly believed that the Christ-like thing to do was to take their money away from these children.  I have no other way to reconcile this in my mind.  Those people are lost, and I don’t know how to reach them.

I hear a lot of comments to the effect of, “What’s the big deal?  So they’ll just take their money to another organization whose morals line up with their own.”  Well, first of all, you won’t find one.  These organizations are made up of people… imperfect people, every one of which is going to do something in his or her own personal life that you deem inappropriate.  Second, and most importantly, it’s not just a hypothetical, abstract organization that you’re pulling away from.  It’s a child, with a name, and a face, and a real need that you were filling.

It’s Alice from Rwanda.

It’s Jordan from Ecuador.

It’s Dominic from Ghana.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of these difficult conversations.  I’m tired of trying to explain something that’s unexplainable to my kids.  I’m tired of people using a God that I love to defend some pretty horrible things.  There are so very many shades of grey in this world, but this isn’t one of them. God does not approve of turning your back on a hungry kid.  Jesus does not approve of turning your back on a hungry kid.  In fact, it is the absolute opposite message of that very same Bible that you’re using to justify this.

 

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

 

I am devastated right now.  I am angry.  And to be totally honest, my first reaction when I heard about all of this was truly, “I. Give. Up.”  But I know that’s not the answer.  Now more than ever is the time to stand together… Christians and non-Christians alike.  Gay, straight, conservative, liberal…. everyone who can see this situation for what it is, and to recognize that there was a clear right and wrong here.  Stand together, speak boldly, and say,

“No more.”

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February 24, 2014 · 6:00 AM

And They’ll Know We Are Christians by Our Arrogance, Judgment, and Intolerance

greatestcommandment

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

(Matthew 22:36-40)

I grew up in a small, conservative church in New England.  It’s been many years since I’ve gone to that particular denomination with any regularity, but the hymns we sang every Sunday are forever burned into my consciousness.  I remember one song, the touchy-feely emotional type that I outwardly avoided – but secretly loved – that had a chorus that went like this:

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love.  Yes, they’ll know we our Christians by our love…

I’ve been thinking about that lyric a lot the past couple of days, partly because once something gets stuck in your head it’s there until it’s replaced by something else… but mostly because my social media newsfeeds have been inundated with opinions on this asinine new bill being considered in Arizona; a bill that makes it expressly legal for a business to discriminate against someone – without the fear of a lawsuit – if you feel that not doing so would threaten your religious freedom in some way.

I’m incapable of mincing words at this point, so forgive my bluntness when I say:

What the hell are we doing?

Everyone who’s defending this bill has made essentially the same argument. We have to protect our religious rights! We have to defend what’s right and pure! We have to stand by our biblical principles!

And you know what? I agree. Religious rights are important, and I’m thankful that we have them. I can go to church whenever I want. I can read a Bible while I’m riding on the light rail. I can wear a cross around my neck, and a Jesus fish on my car. I can talk about, or write about, my faith wherever I go. I can accept and respect other people’s religions, and I can appreciate and embrace our differences.

If I stand for anything, it’s for what’s right and pure.

And as for biblical principles – real biblical principles of goodness, kindness, compassion and love – you will not find a bigger supporter. I love the Bible. I love what it’s taught me, and continues to teach me. I love what it’s revealed to me over the past 40 years. I love its story. I love its message of a God who so “loved the world that He gave his only begotten son.” But here’s what I’m wondering…

I’m wondering what part of, “Love your neighbor” is getting confused as, “Love your neighbor unless you disagree with his lifestyle. Love your neighbor unless he’s a liberal. Love your neighbor unless he’s gay.” And before you can say it, I’m not talking about, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” either. I’m talking about JUST LOVING, period, and leaving everything else up to the individual and to God.

I think of Jesus in the Bible and I think of the person “in the trenches.” I think of the guy who was hanging out with the people that no one else would give the time of day. I think of the soul who was spending timing with the tax collectors, breaking bread with the lepers, and conversing with the prostitutes. I think of someone who was healing the sick, helping the poor, and raising the dead.

I do not think of a person who would refuse to serve someone, based on creed or religion or skin color or sexuality. I do not think of a person who would walk away from someone – from anyone – when He had an opportunity to be kind to them, to love them, to minister to them.

I think of Jesus in the Bible, and I wonder how we’ve strayed so far. So far that we’ve forgotten what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. So far that when I think of people who actually emulate Jesus that His followers are the very last people who come to mind.

When did being a Christian become synonymous with using the Bible to brow-beat everyone? When did being a Christian become synonymous with arrogant grandstanding, a tit-for-tat war of words and actions to prove that you’re more Godly, more virtuous than everyone around you? When did being a Christian become about defending conservative reality TV stars, no matter how inflammatory and vulgar their message?

When did being a Christian become about standing behind a ridiculous, intolerant bill that celebrates turning people away, playing judge and jury on others’ lives, and isolating and separating yourself from the very people (ie: ALL people) that you’re asked – commanded really – to love.

Somewhere along the way, this is exactly what happened.

I see the comments from my non-Christian friends… comments about how judgmental Christians are. How arrogant. How intolerant. How cruel. I see the comments and I cringe. Cringe because the comments are hurtful, and cringe because I know they’re right. I’m no stranger to cruel comments on my blog, and the worst – by far – are from my fellow Christians. Often under the guise of “saving” me of course, but cruel nonetheless. And each time… EVERY time… I can’t help but wonder, if I, a fellow believer, am so disappointed and disillusioned with God’s people and their actions, how on earth can they be reaching and encouraging others?

Spoiler: They can’t. They’re not.

We’re missing the boat here, in a big big way.

Christians, we can do better than this. We have to do better than this. I want that old hymn to be true. I so badly want it to be true. Right now, I just don’t think it is. And bills like Senate bill 1062? They’re a giant step in the wrong direction.

I write this to you as a very flawed, imperfect follower of Christ. Lord knows I have my own work to do in the department of loving others. But it seems to me if we can all – all of us – do a little less quoting of cherry picked scriptures like Leviticus 18:22, and a little more living of scriptures like Matthew 7:3, the world would be a much better place.

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Filed under bible, faith, God, hot topics, kindness, love, rant, spirituality

November 18, 2013 · 12:19 PM

Child Abuse Cloaked in “Christian Discipline”… Another Death at the Hands of Pearl Followers

I am writing this as my children sleep.

My four children, who, while they’ve surely never had perfect parents, have never had parents that they’ve feared.   I wish, I so badly wish, that that was the case in all homes.  I wish that all well-meaning parents who loved their children would just – at a minimum – let their children know that they are safe.   That their home is their sanctuary.  That their parents will protect them from harm, that they will never have to go to bed or wake up or spend a single day of their lives in FEAR.

That is, heartbreakingly, not the case.

Last week,  Larry and Carri Williams of Washington State were found guilty of the murder of their little daughter, Hana.   They are the third couple to be found guilty of murder after employing the child-abuse techniques in the “Christian” parenting book, To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi and Pearl.

The first was four year old Sean Paddock, in 2006.  His death was followed by seven year old Lydia Schatz in 2010.

Remember those names, please.

Sean Paddock.  Lydia  Schatz.  And now Hana Williams.  These are innocent children who were killed at the hands of their parents, the ones who were supposed to be protecting them.   Even worse – can murdering your child even GET worse?  It can. – they were killed at the hands of their parents who were following “discipline” techniques they believed to be “biblical.”

Don’t like to think about something awful?  Want to look away?  Find yourself thinking, “Yes, it’s sad, and terrible, and heartbreaking, but no good could come from constantly talking about it.”?

To that I say BULLSHIT.

We owe it to Sean Paddock to think about it.  We owe it to Lydia Schatz to look at it.  We owe it to Hana Williams to talk about it.   We owe it to all the children who are subjected to this kind of treatment day in and day out.

Michael Pearl, and his 1.7 million dollar “ministry”, No Greater Joy, take money from unsuspecting Christians, instruct them how to abuse their children, and somehow brainwash them into thinking that this is behavior is not only condoned but commanded and blessed by God.

God does not want you to hit your children.  Jesus does not want you to inflict pain on your children.  

THIS BOOK IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

And I won’t keep quiet about this.  I won’t.  Michael Pearl is out there laughing, laughing, as children die.  Taken from his Facebook page in response to criticism after Lydia Schatz died:

 

It has come to may attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love…

Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative—entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements…

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—my 17 grandkids—are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time. They laugh when Daddy is coming home. The laugh when it is time to do more homeschooling. They laugh when it is time to practice the violin and piano. They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that’s me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don’t care why just as long as he laughs with them.

My granddaughters laugh with joy after giving their baby dolls a spanking for “being naughty” because they know their dolls will grow up to be the best mamas and daddies in the world—just like them….

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken….

And before you can say it, this is not about “free speech.”  I’ve heard it from too many people. “He has the right to say whatever he wants.  If you don’t like his books, don’t buy them”.  No.  NO!  This is about a man using and twisting and manipulating the Bible for his own sick gain.  A man who has created an entire empire around teaching people how to intimidate, manipulate, bully, abuse, and in the case of Paddock, Schatz, and Williams, kill their children.

A selection of direct quotes from the first edition of To Train Up a Child:

 

But for her own good, we attempted to train her not to climb the stairs by coordinating the voice command of “No” with little spats on the bare legs. The switch was a twelve-inch long, one-eighth-inch diameter sprig from a willow tree.

 

He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down.

 

If a father is attempting to make a child eat his oats, and the child cries for his mother, then the mother should respond by spanking him for whining for her and for not eating his oats. He will then be glad to be dealing only with the father.

 

…use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.

 

On the bare legs or bottom, switch him eight or ten licks; then, while waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again.

(All quotes from this post on the website, Why Not Train a Child.)

Have you read enough yet?  It’s beyond time to do something.  Don’t stop talking about it.  Don’t stop sharing posts about it.

Sign the petition to remove their book from Amazon.

Grab this button from Muse Mama and display it on your own site:

Muse Mama

If you are a fellow Christian (and it’s for you especially that I write), let your voice be louder than the Pearl’s followers. Let people know that to raise a child in a Christ-like way, to truly “train up a child in the way he should go”, is to parent with kindness, gentleness, and compassion… the complete and utter opposite of what’s promoted by Michael and Debi Pearl.

(I also wrote about the Pearls here.)

 

28 Comments

Filed under bible, faith, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, Pearls

October 31, 2013 · 11:54 AM

On Loving My Christian Neighbors

You know what really bugs me?

(This is where my husband would offer, “LOTS of things?” and I would roll my eyes and clarify, “Okay, you know what is really bugging me today?”)

Today, it is really bugging me that so many people choose to pour their time and energy into passing judgment on others’ lifestyles and – this is the part that bugs me – cloaking it as concern for their poor Christian souls.

I love God.  Let me start there.  With all my “heart, soul, and mind”.  That’s Matthew 22:38, for those of you who like these things accompanied by scriptures.  You know what comes right after it?  “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And that’s where I, and I’d imagine lots of other Christians, often stumble. Sometimes it’s just damn hard work to love your neighbor.   I mean, it’s easy to love nice people.  And people of other faiths?  Muslim neighbors and atheist neighbors and Jewish neighbors?  No problem there either. People of different sexual orientations?  Gay neighbors and straight neighbors and bisexual neighbors?  Done.

But good grief.  Loving my fellow Christian can be difficult.

I’m not your “typical” Christian, if there is such a thing.   I don’t fit neatly into a box, and I get that.  And non-box-fitting Christians often make other Christians … nervous.  I get that too. Here’s what I don’t get.  Why on earth would the way I choose to live out my faith bother you? To the point that you feel such an irrepressible urge to actually WARN me:

You should be careful with yoga.  You’re opening yourself up to the occult.

Tattoos (or piercings, or any other form of personal expression that you find distasteful)  are defiling God’s temple.

Any so-called Christian who lets their children play first-person shooter games is not a true Christian.  Period.

As a Christian, I can’t believe you’d ignore the biblical instruction for corporal punishment.

Celebrating Halloween is honoring evil.

And overheard just this morning, again in reference to Halloween:

“Sugar-sprinkled poison is still poison.”

I could certainly go on, but those are the ones I hear most frequently, and with the most fervor. What it boils down to is a good, old-fashioned, “Shame on you, you bad bad Christian!  You’re getting it all WRONG, and it’s my job to tell you.”  It’s exhausting and irritating.  And, like I said, not too helpful in my genuine quest to love all the Christians.

The thing you need to know is that my faith is strong.  My mind can be changed about many many things, but not that. I am confident in my relationship with God, and I am confident that He loves me exactly as He created me. So while your genuine concern for my soul is touching – if it is in fact genuine – your efforts to change me in some way are really only serving to annoy me (and also to add fuel to the “Christians are just judgmental a@@holes” fire.  So well played)

If your choices are not harmful to others, I will support your right to have them like crazy.  Don’t want to celebrate Halloween? Cool with me.  Don’t want to do yoga? Super.  Don’t like certain video games?  By all means, don’t buy them.  Rather die than get a tattoo or a piercing?  Your choice to make.

All I ask is that you extend me the same courtesy.

I’ll respect the message sent by your dark porch on Halloween.   I won’t show up at your door with my zombie child, I promise.  I won’t force you to do yoga.  I won’t even make you look at my tattoos.  I’ll just… love you.  From afar, if that’s what you prefer.

Because here’s what I’m thinking.  If, as Christians, our job is to get out into the world and spread God’s love, and we can’t even act in a loving way towards each other?  Something’s not right.  Pointing fingers and splitting hairs and damning people to hell over everything they’re getting “wrong” does no good for anyone.  And let’s be honest, none of us are getting it 100% right anyway.  We’re human.  Gloriously flawed, imperfect, constantly growing and learning and involving humans.

And MY flaws and imperfections (and/or those things you perceive as my flaws and imperfections)?  They won’t hurt you.  Really.  You’re okay.  I’m okay.  My choices are between me and God.  He’s got this.  He’s always got this.

No outside help required.

 

 

4 Comments

Filed under about me, acceptance, faith, God, hot topics, rant

March 20, 2013 · 11:42 AM

It’s Not Okay

Steubenville, Ohio:

A sixteen year old girl had been drinking at a party and passed out.  She later woke up in a strange location, naked, to find that she’d not only been raped, but that pictures, tweets, and videos making light of it had been shared all over the internet.

This past Sunday, two local football players – also teenagers – were found guilty of the rape.  Almost immediately, the media was awash with sympathy, lamenting the ruined lives and dashed promising future of the poor, poor…

perpetrators.

Wait.  What?  Yes, these boys chose to sexually assault and take advantage of an unconscious girl; and as if that weren’t enough, they assaulted her again when they broadcast texts, tweets, pictures, and even videos documenting the attack… splashing it around as though it were entertainment.  And it’s THEM we’re supposed to have unwavering empathy for?  Right, because the girl made bad decisions.  Because she was drunk.  Because she was at the party at all.  Because she must have “asked for it.”

I would like to say that I’m shocked by this attitude.  I should be shocked.  But I’m not.   And don’t get me wrong.  I’m disgusted.  I’m horrified.  I’m outraged.  But I’m not shocked.  Why?  Because this culture has been around as long as I can remember.

Nearly two decades ago, I was having a conversation about this very thing.  I can picture the kitchen.  The table.  The light on the ceiling.  I remember asking him for clarification, because surely I misunderstood.  “Wait, are you saying that a girl who dresses a certain way is looking to get raped?”   “I think she’s asking for it, yes.”

It was that years-ago comment, from that “good Christian boy”, that served as my first glimpse into how desperately screwed up we are as a society.   Since then, I’ve seen it in countless ways in countless places.   It’s the victim’s fault.  Her skirt was too short.  She was showing too much cleavage.  She shouldn’t have smelled so good.  She shouldn’t have had on so much makeup.  She shouldn’t have been drinking so much.  She shouldn’t have been flirting so much.  She was a tease.   She. Asked. For. It.

This has to stop.  Now.   Is it any wonder that the majority of rape cases are never even reported?

This kind of victim-blaming attitude is not only hurtful, insulting, and incredibly disrespectful to women (and in particular to the 1 in 4 – through no fault of her own – who will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime), it’s also unbelievably degrading towards men.  Is this how little we think of our men?  That they are so driven by hormones and animal urges that it’s a good day if they can simply manage to get from point A to point B without raping someone?  That they’re no more than objects: walking time-bombs that will detonate at the slightest provocation?  That they have so little control over their thoughts and their desires and their bodies that us women better keep ourselves covered and invisible and plain, lest we make ourselves too tempting and tip them over the edge?

Most men don’t rape.  And those who do?  It is THEIR FAULT.  One hundred percent their fault, one hundred percent of the time.  Those boys in Steubenville did a vile, heinous, atrociously bad thing because they chose to do it.  Period.  And there’s no excuse for it.  Shame on anyone who says otherwise.  And if you’re one of those people who’s saying,  “Well yes, of course, they shouldn’t have raped her, but….”  you’re part of the problem.   There is no “but”.

It’s not okay to force yourself on a woman – or anyone – ever.

It’s not okay if she’s a stranger.

It’s not okay if she’s your best friend.

It’s not okay if she’s your wife.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing revealing clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing NO clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s drunk.

It’s not okay if she’s unconscious.

It’s not okay if she’s flirted with you all night long.

It’s not okay if she’s said, “yes, yes, yes,” and then changed her answer to “no.”

It is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you.   And blaming the victim is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you.

When I talked to my own 16 year old about the case, and about the fact that kids were taking pictures of the abuse on their phones, his first question was, “Why didn’t someone use one of those phones to call 911?”  Why indeed.  And I don’t know the answer.

What I do know, without question, is that this problem – this grossly widespread problem of violence towards women – is not going away.  And until people stop blaming it on the victim and start placing the responsibility where it belongs … it never will.

11 Comments

Filed under hot topics, rant

February 14, 2013 · 7:53 AM

That Girl Needs To Lay Off The Cheeseburgers

Does that title make you uncomfortable?  Good.  It’s supposed to.  It made me uncomfortable to write it.  We’re supposed to be bothered by such derogatory comments, because we all know (or at least, we should know) that they’re unkind and hurtful.  I sincerely hope that if you’re reading this right now, that we can agree – whether you’ve ever said something like that or not – that picking on someone for being a larger size is not a very nice thing to do.

What I’m wondering then, is why on earth it seems to be so socially acceptable to knock someone for being very thin?  When did this become okay?

Hold that thought.

Last Sunday was the Grammy Awards.  I get more excited about awards shows than I rightfully should.  I love them.  I do.  I love music and movies and television and pop culture in general; I love the pomp and circumstance; and I love the revealing of the answer to the scintillating question that’s on everyone’s minds:  What will the stars be wearing??  It’s true.  There’s something strangely thrilling about watching pretty people in dresses that cost more than my car.

My husband, who would rather have extensive elective dental work than sit through more than 3 minutes of an awards show, was beside me in body but not so much in spirit… so I virtually watched it alongside hundreds of other people via Twitter and Facebook.  It was interesting following all the commentary in real-time.

Adele’s wearing color!

Chris Brown and Rhianna are publicly canoodling even after he assaulted her.

Oh. Em. Gee.  It’s Justin Timberlake!

And then came the body-shaming.  “Someone feed Taylor Swift a sandwich.”  “Nicole Kidman needs a cheeseburger.”  “Faith Hill’s gotten way too skinny.”

Again, I have to ask:  When did this become okay?  If we can all agree that it’s not right to negatively point out someone’s larger size, why shouldn’t the same hold true for those on the other side of the spectrum?  Why should we be critiquing others’ bodies at all?

The day after the Grammys, I was looking through a pictorial of the attendees’ dresses on a popular entertainment website.  On the side bar, two previous articles caught my attention:  The first, an article touting celebrities’ best-kept weight-loss secrets.  Right below it?  “The most scary skinny bikini bodies.”  Is it any wonder society is so confused, with that kind of disparity?  Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight!!  Too skinny, too skinny, too skinny!!

I used to be the “too thin” girl.  I’m not anymore  – my 39 year old body has resolutely decided to naturally carry 20 more pounds than my 29 year old body – but once upon a time I was the one being told to “eat a couple sandwiches.”

It’s hurtful, and it’s embarrassing.

I remember being at a holiday party once, all dressed up and feeling festive and pretty.  I was shivering, literally shaking, because it turned out I was coming down with the flu.  A friend of a friend looked at me, and said, loudly enough for the whole roomful of people to look at him, “It’s because you’re so damn skinny.  You need to eat something.  I can practically see right through you!”

15 years later, I can still remember exactly what he said, and exactly how it made me feel.

Dove has an ad campaign called “Real Women” that mostly features women with curves.  Real women have curves, these ads cry.  And you know what?  Sometimes they do.  And sometimes real women have no curves.  Sometimes real women are tall and lanky.  Sometimes real women have big boobs, and sometimes real women have no boobs.  Sometimes real women have no hair, and sometimes they have hair everywhere.  Sometimes real women have flabby thighs and flat butts and muffin tops.  Sometimes real women have big ears and stretch marks and bony knees.  Sometimes real women sit behind a desk all day and wear a size zero.  Sometimes real women spend all day in the gym and never get below an 18.

Sometimes real women laugh when they want to cry.

Can we stop with the body shaming?  I am so, so tired of a culture that fights so hard against a “thin is beautiful” mindset that it’s only succeeded in carving the second side of the same damn coin.

Thin is beautiful.

Big is beautiful.

Healthy is beautiful.

Strong is beautiful.

Vulnerable is beautiful.

Happy and confident and kind are beautiful.

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them.   Can I say that I again, because *I* seem to forever need to reminder?

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them. 

It’s easy and convenient to assume that a diet or a sandwich will cure someone’s supposed “flaws”… but it’s far more kind (and so much more productive) to never see them as flaws to begin with.

(I wrote about this same subject here)

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Filed under acceptance, body image, hot topics, judgement, love, rant, self image