Category Archives: hot topics

July 3, 2015 · 10:41 AM

40 Answers For Christians Now Worried About Rainbow Flags

Several people have sent me this list entitled 40 Questions For Christians Now Waving Rainbow Flags. It was written by a pastor by the name of Kevin DeYoung, in a post in which he expresses his sadness about the new Supreme Court decision. His questions were aimed at people like myself who are Christ-followers who are affirming of same-sex relationships. I think it’s always a good idea to question… well, everything… and to take a step back and examine and re-examine why you hold the beliefs you hold. So I decided to answer them.

It was pointed out to me that I was rude and unkind in my last post, so I did my best to answer the questions with care and consideration. I don’t know Mr DeYoung, so my answers are not aimed at him, but at the thoughts/ideas/beliefs he’s presented here.

And finally, I’m leaving comments turned off on this post right from the start. I don’t want to host unkindness and attacks aimed at each other on my page again.

Here then are his 40 questions, along with my response.

1. How long have you believed that gay marriage is something to be celebrated?

Twenty years ago I would have (emphatically, I might add) agreed with this author. Sometime between then and now God worked on my heart and something changed… first to, “Okay, it’s a sin, but if they’re not hurting anybody, why all the fuss?”; and eventually, “Why shouldn’t a committed gay couple be afforded all the same rights and recognition as its heterosexual counterpart?”

2. What Bible verses led you to change your mind?

If anything, it was a lack of scripture supporting the church’s stance on homosexuality that first prompted me to look deeper. Despite the divisive, grandstanding issue this has become, the Bible barely mentions it, and Jesus himself didn’t mention it even once.

3. How would you make a positive case from Scripture that sexual activity between two persons of the same sex is a blessing to be celebrated?

The issue at hand is marriage, not sex. It’s disingenuous (and quite honestly, a little creepy) to spin it into “celebrating sexual activity”. Marriage is about love and commitment. It’s about companionship and friendship. Making decisions together, building a home together, going through life together, raising children together if you so choose. When you look at the years and days and hours that go into a marriage, sexual activity makes up such a minuscule portion that it’s insulting to use it as a defining factor. So, to answer the question, I’m not celebrating anyone’s sexual activity, gay or straight.

4. What verses would you use to show that a marriage between two persons of the same sex can adequately depict Christ and the church?

The Bible is full of scriptures on how to conduct yourself as a Christian (therefore depicting Christ and the church) including but obviously not limited to John 13:34 – “Love one another as I have loved you.” There are no qualifiers or disclaimers that tell us it’s only possible if we’re not gay.

5. Do you think Jesus would have been okay with homosexual behavior between consenting adults in a committed relationship?

Yes

6. If so, why did he reassert the Genesis definition of marriage as being one man and one woman?

Because he was speaking to heterosexual Jewish men and rebuking them for their divorce practices. Context matters. If his statements were meant to pronounce one man/one women as the only acceptable marriage combination at that time, why would polygamy be permitted and blessed by the Jewish people (and by God) throughout the Old Testament and into the first century AD?

7. When Jesus spoke against porneia what sins do you think he was forbidding?

Porneia is a broad term that can refer to many types of sexual immorality: adultery, incest, rape, bestiality….

8. If some homosexual behavior is acceptable, how do you understand the sinful “exchange” Paul highlights in Romans 1?

The societal climate at the time Paul made the address in question was one in which there was rampant abhorrent and deviant sexual behavior, including predatory, coercive, non-consenting sex between men and prostitutes and slaves, and grown men and boys. That was the behavior that Paul was addressing. It isn’t at all applicable to a committed, consensual relationship between two adults.

9. Do you believe that passages like 1 Corinthians 6:9 and Revelation 21:8 teach that sexual immorality can keep you out of heaven?

I believe Ephesians 2:8 when it says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God”. But okay. A word for “homosexuality” as we know it did not exist in that time. Where that translation is made in 1 Corinthians 6:9 it refers specifically to two words: malakos, and arsenokoites. When taken in context, they most likely refer to the victim and the perpetrator of sexual violence… again, rape, pedophilia, forced prostitution, etc. I’m pretty sure we can all agree those are wrong. Revelation 21:8 deals with “the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars”…. any of which are forgiven of repentant people who choose to accept the free gift of salvation by grace through faith.

10. What sexual sins do you think they were referring to?

See question nine.

11. As you think about the long history of the church and the near universal disapproval of same-sex sexual activity, what do you think you understand about the Bible that Augustine, Aquinas, Calvin, and Luther failed to grasp?

That’s a pretty loaded question. I certainly don’t claim to understand things that those people failed to grasp.

12. What arguments would you use to explain to Christians in Africa, Asia, and South America that their understanding of homosexuality is biblically incorrect and your new understanding of homosexuality is not culturally conditioned?

Another loaded question. I wouldn’t. I believe my job as a follower of Christ is to 1) continually seek out who He was and what he wanted from me here on this earth, and 2) live out that faith to the best of my ability… not to argue and explain to others why my understanding is more “correct” than theirs.

13. Do you think Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were motivated by personal animus and bigotry when they, for almost all of their lives, defined marriage as a covenant relationship between one man and one woman?

I wouldn’t even begin to make assumptions about someone else’s motivations.

14. Do you think children do best with a mother and a father?

I think children do best with loving, committed, attentive parents… no matter what gender they may be.

15. If not, what research would you point to in support of that conclusion?

I think an answer here is kind of pointless, because a quick Google search will yield you articles that cite research to support any side of any argument. Here’s a study that says that children of gay parents are happier and healthier than their peers. But I don’t need research to tell me that healthy, happy parents raise healthy, happy kids.

16. If yes, does the church or the state have any role to play in promoting or privileging the arrangement that puts children with a mom and a dad?

n/a

17. Does the end and purpose of marriage point to something more than an adult’s emotional and sexual fulfillment?

Of course.

18. How would you define marriage?

Legally, as a recognized contract between consenting adults that affords them certain rights and benefits as stated by the government (I’m the first one to admit that it’s complicated, and that I don’t know how it all works) From a non-legal standpoint, and in super-simplistic terms: It’s a deep commitment, and a partnership, and a daily choice to “have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death parts us.”

19. Do you think close family members should be allowed to get married?

I think there are lots of reasons why close family members shouldn’t get married.

20. Should marriage be limited to only two people?

To be honest, I’ve never spent any time thinking about it. I generally tend to feel though that what sorts of relationships consenting (non-related) adults choose to enter into are their business, and their business alone.

21. On what basis, if any, would you prevent consenting adults of any relation and of any number from getting married?

It’s not my job to prevent consenting adults from getting married.

22. Should there be an age requirement in this country for obtaining a marriage license?

Yes

23. Does equality entail that anyone wanting to be married should be able to have any meaningful relationship defined as marriage?

Anyone? No. Consenting adults? Yes.

24. If not, why not?

n/a

25. Should your brothers and sisters in Christ who disagree with homosexual practice be allowed to exercise their religious beliefs without fear of punishment, retribution, or coercion?

Yes, but…. I really believe this is the other side of the “slippery slope” that those who oppose gay marriage like to cite. People should be able to exercise religious beliefs, yes. Absolutely. But if those religious beliefs are being used to discriminate and be unkind, what’s to stop them from picking and choosing who they want to discriminate against, and just citing their religious beliefs as the reason? Stores proudly display their signs that say that they won’t serve gay people for instance, because it’s against their religion. I think it’s an incredibly discriminatory and unkind thing to do, but they have the right to do it. Why stop there though? Why that one issue? Why not put up signs that say you won’t serve people who are arrogant, or liars, or gossips, or gluttons, or people who cheat on their wives, or cheat on their taxes, or drink too much, or steal internet from their neighbors, or watch porn? If you believe it’s a sin, and all sins are equal, I don’t understand how you can use religious beliefs as an excuse to marginalize this one segment of society. We all sin. To just answer the question as it’s written though: Yes, people who disagree with homosexual practice should be allowed to exercise their religious beliefs without fear of punishment, retribution or coercion. Even if one believes their actions to be wrong, two wrongs never make a right.

26. Will you speak up for your fellow Christians when their jobs, their accreditation, their reputation, and their freedoms are threatened because of this issue?

This is pretty much the same as #25, just re-framed.

27. Will you speak out against shaming and bullying of all kinds, whether against gays and lesbians or against Evangelicals and Catholics?

I speak out against shaming and bullying of all kinds, yes.

28. Since the evangelical church has often failed to take unbiblical divorces and other sexual sins seriously, what steps will you take to ensure that gay marriages are healthy and accord with Scriptural principles?

I don’t think it’s my job to ensure that *anyone’s* marriage is healthy & in accord with scriptural principles. My job is to to focus on my own marriage.

29. Should gay couples in open relationships be subject to church discipline?

It’s hard to answer this question without bias, but I think that churches have done enough damage by focusing on discipline, and on guilt, and on shame. I believe that the best thing a church could do right now (for all their members, of any orientation) is focus on love and healing.

30. Is it a sin for LGBT persons to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage?

I’m not sure. But I’ll say that I believe that the same standard should apply to both heterosexual and LGBT relationships.

31. What will open and affirming churches do to speak prophetically against divorce, fornication, pornography, and adultery wherever they are found?

I really can’t speak for what churches are going to do, since I’m not a church. As for what I think they should do, see #29.

32. If “love wins,” how would you define love?

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

33. What verses would you use to establish that definition?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

34. How should obedience to God’s commands shape our understanding of love?

God IS love. I think whatever else being a Christ-follower means, it should always start with 1) Loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and 2) Loving our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22-37-38)

35. Do you believe it is possible to love someone and disagree with important decisions they make?

Of course

36. If supporting gay marriage is a change for you, has anything else changed in your understanding of faith?

I think faith is, and should be, a constantly evolving, growing, deepening, living organism. A stagnant faith is a dead faith. So yes, absolutely, my understanding of faith is always changing.

37. As an evangelical, how has your support for gay marriage helped you become more passionate about traditional evangelical distinctive like a focus on being born again, the substitutionary sacrifice of Christ on the cross, the total trustworthiness of the Bible, and the urgent need to evangelize the lost?

It hasn’t helped me become more passionate about those things. It has however helped me become more passionate about loving my brother as myself. About reaching out to my fellow man. About extending compassion for those who the world wants to marginalize. About removing the rather large plank from my own eye before worrying about my brother’s sliver.

38. What open and affirming churches would you point to where people are being converted to orthodox Christianity, sinners are being warned of judgment and called to repentance, and missionaries are being sent out to plant churches among unreached peoples?

I haven’t looked for any churches like that.

39. Do you hope to be more committed to the church, more committed to Christ, and more committed to the Scriptures in the years ahead?

Yes.

40. When Paul at the end of Romans 1 rebukes “those who practice such things” and those who “give approval to those who practice them,” what sins do you think he has in mind?

The final paragraph in Romans 1 talks about a “depraved mind” and specifically mentions things like envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, arrogance, boastfulness… people being senseless, faithless, heartless, and ruthless. We don’t have to guess what sins he has in mind. He’s spelled them out for us. But you can’t stop reading at the end of chapter one, because the entire message (and Paul’s whole point) is tied together in what immediately follows your “those who give approval to those who practice them” quote.

Chapter Two:

You therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?

It’s God job to judge, not ours. It’s our job to love. Fully, radically, and unconditionally.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

To My Fellow Christians, After the Supreme Court Ruling

To my brothers and sisters in Christ,

I write this with a humble, heavy, and somewhat broken heart.

As you know, the Supreme Court ruling that was announced this Friday made same-sex marriage a right nationwide. Now, this letter really isn’t about legalities, or whether or not the government has any business being involved in marriages in the first place. That’s clearly another conversation altogether.

But I can’t keep silent about some of what I’m seeing come out of the Christian community right now, at a time when individuals are simply trying to celebrate that they are finally able to legally marry the people that they love.

Thankfully, I’m not personally seeing any Westboro Baptist-style hatred (I seem to have done a pretty efficient job of culling my Facebook friends list since the Duggar scandal broke). What I’m seeing is just as upsetting though, if not even more so, because it’s really the same message of judgment and intolerance; It’s just couched in “Christian-speak.”

First, I need you to understand that this is not about disagreement. Disagreements are a normal and healthy part of life, of society, and of relationships. I disagree very strongly about some pretty big issues with some of my dearest loved ones. This is not about disagreement. I keep seeing that syrupy little Rick Warren quote passed around that says, “Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” It frustrates me every time. I’ve never heard anyone, ever, insinuate that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. So to say it’s a “huge lie” that’s been accepted is pretty much just ridiculous. And as for the first part: Absolutely, yes. Simply disagreeing with someone does not mean you fear or hate them. That’s correct. But can your resulting words and actions, even if you intend them to be “loving”, still convey fear or hatred? YES! Can they still contribute to feelings of persecution, of personal affront, of judgement? YES! Can they still push a person (or many persons) further AWAY from God, and Christians, and the church (which I think is probably the complete opposite of your intent)? YES!

I don’t believe that homosexuality in and of itself is a sin. I do believe that consenting adults, of any gender or sexual orientation, should be able to marry their loved one, no matter what that may look like. I absolutely respect your right to disagree with me – I truly do – just as I’d hope you’d respect mine. But when you make sweeping comments such as, “I believe the Bible, so homosexuality is wrong,” or, “Well I’m a Christian first, so homosexuality is wrong,” then we have a problem. Please do not mistake your beliefs as being synonymous with “Christianity” as a whole or with “The Bible” as a whole. Please do not speak for me. Please do not speak for the thousands of other Christians who have different interpretations, and different philosophies than your own. Please do not perpetuate the idea that because a person happens to have a relationship with God, that he or she needs to live out that relationship in the same way in order to be “right.”

There are LOTS of different ways to live out a Christian faith, and from where I’m standing, the only one we need to consistently meet on is this: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets”. —Matthew 22:35-40.

Which brings me to the point of this letter. And believe me, I ask this with complete sincerity and genuine sadness and confusion:

Do you honestly think it is loving to continually browbeat this one segment of society by telling them over and over and over how sinful you think they are? Yes, even if you preface it with, “I still love you! I still pray for you! I don’t judge you!” Do you really think that that love and those prayers are going to come across when you’re reminding them, AGAIN, that you think that by virtue of who they happen to love, that they are sinning?

Because guess what. They already know you think they’re sinning. We already know you think they’re sinning. So until or unless you are giving continual updates on ALL the things you think are sinful, it’s just not fair. And I’m sorry, but it isn’t loving either. It’s not. Why them? Why this one issue?

A real-life, actual threat to marriage in this country is infidelity and divorce. But no one ever talks about that, unless it’s to cover it with words of, “Oh, well, you know, we all make mistakes… we shouldn’t judge another person… everyone sins.”

You shouldn’t judge another person because they sin differently than you; this much is true. Well you know what? You shouldn’t judge a person because they love differently than you either.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I’m so tired of this one segment of society getting so much negative attention from Christians, at the exclusion of anything else. I’m so tired of the back-handed, “I love you and pray for you and don’t judge you, but I need to keep reminding you that I disagree with your “lifestyle”” rhetoric of disgust.

Please stop.

Please, please stop. They know you disagree already. They really do. They will always know. It has been well-established.

Isn’t it about time that we reached out to the LGBT community, a community by the way whose teens are three times more likely to commit suicide than their straight peers, and just offer love? Real, actual love, with no disclaimers?

Let’s bring a little more “loving thy neighbor” back to Christianity. Thy straight neighbor, thy gay neighbor, thy transgender neighbor, thy black neighbor, thy white neighbor, thy Democrat neighbor, thy Republican neighbor, thy Atheist neighbor, thy Jewish neighbor, thy Muslim neighbor….

and yes, thy Christian neighbor like you, and me, who deep down inside really do want to love, and are still learning how to get it right.

** Comments have now been closed. Thank you to everyone who provided respectful discourse.**

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Filed under faith, hot topics, Uncategorized

June 23, 2015 · 7:36 AM

Racism in America: Less Talking, More Listening

Photo Credit: Cal Sr

Last Wednesday, a young white supremacist by the name of Dylann Roof entered the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina. He sat with (and was welcomed by) its members for a Bible study, after which he committed a horrific act of hatred and racism by shooting 10 of its members. Nine of those members were killed.

And as the country mourns and the national conversation once again turns to larger issue of systemic racism, I struggle to find the words.

I don’t understand.

I want to, but I don’t. I can’t.

I’ve learned something in trying to talk about this since Ferguson and Baltimore. I’ve learned that while the conversation is indeed a vital one to be had, that if I’m going to understand – even begin to understand – that I need to do less talking, and more listening… particularly as a white woman.

So much more listening.

I’ve learned that saying things like, “I just don’t see people as black and white”, while well intentioned, doesn’t help, because it disregards the very people who have experienced, and are experiencing, the very real effects of racism in our country based on the color of their skin. It disregards people, and it disregards history.

I’ve learned that having good intentions doesn’t abdicate my responsibility to learn more, and to do better.

I am disgusted and saddened, not just by the violence in Charleston, but by the overall state of racial injustice in our country, injustice that some people still fail to recognize. It’s real, and it’s hurting people. In my frustration, I know I haven’t always gotten the words right. For that, I am deeply sorry.

I’m trying. I’m learning.

My heart and prayers go out to everyone who lost loved ones in Charleston, and to the community, and the country, that is rallying behind them.

Christian Support for Caitlyn Jenner

Ever since the Vanity Fair cover featuring Caitlyn Jenner was released, my newsfeed has been awash with talk of little else. People are posting their opinions, and sharing their praise, their confusion, or their disgust. Articles are getting shared from the perspective of support and celebration, to the debate over the words “brave” and “hero”, to outright disparagement.

Not surprisingly, the Christian community is not being particularly silent on the issue.

Some of what I’ve seen has been horrific, while others have been a bit “softer”… thinly veiled transphobia behind a veneer of, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” I think the articles that bother me the most are the ones that purport to offer prayers and compassion to Jenner, while at the same time patting themselves on the back for making different (ie: more correct) decisions in their own lives. At least people like Matt Walsh are transparent about their bigotry.

Thankfully, there are other voices out there as well… Voices of loving, compassionate reason. These voices have been the balm to my weary and disenchanted soul. These voices have lifted me up over the past week, restored my faith in my fellow believer, and reminded me that I’m not alone in my plight or in my frustration. There are lots of Christians out there who are standing up for Jenner, and standing against unkindness.

I started this post as a way to gather some of these positive articles into one place (and will add to it as I find more)… as much for myself as for others.

Read these, and be encouraged.

Dear Bruce Jenner: Jesus Loves You and Cares for You, by Jarrid Wilson

Four Reasons Jesus Would Invite Caitlyn Jenner Over for Dinner, by Jarrid Wilson

I Went to Church With Bruce Jenner and Here’s What Caitlyn Taught Me About Jesus, by Josh Cobia

Christians, Be Careful What You Say on Facebook, by Zack Locklear

Done., by Motherhood Unscripted

Neither Male Nor Female: A Christian Response to Caitlyn Jenner, by The Imperfect Pastor

If You Love The Duggars But Not Caitlyn Jenner, What Credit Is That To You?, by Zack Hunt

Thank you. Thank you for walking the walk, thank you for putting love and humanity back into Christianity, and thank you for being brave enough to stand up for what is right.

I Won’t Throw Stones… Unless You’re LGBT

Two fast points right off the top:

This is going to be long.
This post was originally going to be about something else.

The whole thing started with Bruce Jenner. He had just done his interview with Diane Sawyer in which he discussed his transition from male to female. I didn’t watch the interview, for no other reason than I wasn’t particularly interested, but from what I understand, Bruce is happy now, after denying who he was for a long time. I’m a big champion of people following their own path, and being their own authentic selves, whoever that may be. So I say… Go Bruce.

Shortly after the interview aired, Matt Walsh posted an article in which he was being, well… Matt Walsh… calling Jenner “a sick and delusional man.”

Partially in response to Walsh, Jarrid Wilson then wrote a really lovely and grace-filled blog post, reminding us that as Christians, our job was really nothing more than to extend love and compassion to Bruce Jenner, like we would to anyone else. It always amazes me when people want to refute a call to love, but refute it they did, complete with admonitions that we have the responsibility to call people like Bruce Jenner out on their sin, and that we need to “speak the truth in love” (which, by the way, is one of the most awful things I think Christians say… right up there with “love the sinner, hate the sin.”)

So – at least in conservative Christian circles – Walsh was praised and Wilson was condemned.

Bruce Jenner IS WRONG! It’s disgusting! It’s A SIN! We need to tell him! We need to tell EVERYONE! Let’s shout it from the rooftops! The world is going to hell!

And sure, they’ll recite their “love the sinner, hate the sin” rhetoric, but make no mistake… nothing about the anti-LGBT crusade is loving. Its whole entire reason for being is to hurt and condemn: the adult equivalent of the old grade-school tactic of putting someone else down to raise yourself up.

Of course, it’s not like this is anything new. This has been going on forever. I’ve been writing about this forever. But there’s just been SO MUCH of it lately. Just a couple of days ago, I received a several-paragraphs-long email outlining in great detail how unkind and unloving I am to advocate for being more loving towards LGBT folks. (??) I’m damning them to a life in hell, she tells me, because by not calling them out on their sin, I’m taking away their opportunity for a chance of redemption, which is the most hateful thing I could possibly do.

It’s not the first time I’ve received a message of that sort – apparently writing about issues of faith seems to invite people to try to judge me/save me/throw Bible-verses-as-weapons at me – but given the current societal climate it irked me.

I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I am so indescribably tired of this unfair and hateful treatment, thinly veiled in “biblical values”, towards this one specific segment of society.

So that’s what I was going to write about. How it needed to stop. How people needed to take a step back, gain some perspective, and focus on their own sin. Think it’s a sin to be in a homosexual relationship? Don’t be in one. Think it’s a sin to have gender reassignment surgery? Don’t get it. But this constant persecution is damaging and hurtful and pretty much the opposite of anything that Jesus ever espoused.

Then something happened. And now I’m more disgusted with the culture of mainstream Christianity than I think I’ve ever, ever been.

The details are still surfacing, but it’s come to light that Josh Duggar (of the infamous 19 Kids and Counting Duggars) molested 5 young girls, four of them his siblings, over the course of 3 years when he was a teenager. His parents, though aware of the abuse, did nothing about it for over a year. When they did finally deal with it, they did so by keeping it “in house.” He was disciplined by his father. He got a “talking-to” by a police officer friend who never pressed charges (an officer who is currently serving jail time for child pornography). He met with his pastor who helped arrange some sort of supposed rehabilitation in the form of living with yet another family friend for a few months and helping him perform physical labor.

This seems as good a time as any to point out that sexual assault is a serious crime, and should be treated as such … not merely “dealt with” at home.

There are so very many things wrong with this scenario, and how it was handled, that I don’t even know where to start.

But oh how Christians are defending the Duggars!!!

Josh Duggar shouldn’t be vilified. He was just a kid.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

He made a mistake, and he said he was sorry. Who hasn’t made mistakes as a teen?

He was just young and curious.

They dealt with it in their family, and it’s not our place to judge them.

People are being way too harsh and judgmental.

Judge not lest you be judged.

People in glass houses….

They were an inspiration before, and they’re still an inspiration now.

I’m ……. Seriously? Are you kidding me?

So, same-sex attraction is such a vile thing, such a pertinent issue to address, that people feel compelled to write to me (some random heterosexual internet stranger who just happens to believe that people have the right to love who they want to love), to warn me of its dangers….. but molestation of young children, a teenaged boy fondling the genitals of his baby sisters, is shrugged off as a teenaged “mistake”… it’s not our place to judge… how dare we cast stones at this upstanding Christian family!….. And after all he did say he was sorry……

My level of disgust is matched only by my confusion. How do you defend a child molester? How do you justify freely throwing your proverbial stones at someone because of their sexual orientation, yet demure because of a sudden sense of self-righteousness when it comes to a beloved Christian family that happens to includes a son who sexually violated children?

And don’t misunderstand. I’m not advocating for the stoning of anyone. My point is not to publicly flog the Duggars. Actually what I think should happen now that this has been made public is that the whole family should be investigated, and that someone should ensure that the children are currently safe, and that they have received, and are currently receiving, the needed support. Based on the teachings of some of the people the Duggars follow, I don’t think it’s unlikely that there is lot more going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. Such deviant behavior generally doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and if Josh Duggar was indeed a victim as well, he too should be receiving appropriate counseling that will address it.

What we SHOULD NOT DO is continue to sweep his crimes under the rug and excuse them as mere childhood curiosity. We should not defend this “good, Christian family” as if they’re somehow people we should emulate. We should not stand sweetly behind a philosophy of “Oh it’s not my place to judge” when it comes to something as vile and heinous as child molestation and incest.

HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED CHILDREN. His parents knew it was happening. I’m going to judge.

Is he genuinely sorry? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by his victims? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by God? That’s between him and God. But I’m not going to sit here – as a Christian, as a human, as a parent of both boys and a little girl – and excuse what he did.

And the fact that the very same people who are doing the excusing are the people who have no problem standing on a soapbox in judgement of the man who works hard all day and just wants to come home and kick back with a beer and a TV show with Adam instead of Eve…. is a hypocrisy of the most disgusting kind.

You’re essentially saying:

Homosexuality = bad

Child Molestation = eh, everyone makes mistakes.

I have never been as disillusioned and disappointed with the current state of the institution of Christianity as I am right now. I love God. I Love God. I am an all-in, whole-hearted, unabashed follower of Christ (even if I never share those stupid Facebook posts that start by attempting to shame you with “99% of you won’t pass this on”……) I will always be a follower of Christ. But this? Defending the actions of a child molester, while railing out the other side of your mouth about “sick and delusional men” just because you can’t personally relate to their path? That’s something I’ll never be a part of. If I had any remaining sliver of hope that there was a place for me in the whole of American Christianity, that hope is gone.

God, save me from your followers.

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Filed under faith, headlines, hot topics, hypocrisy, rant

April 29, 2015 · 8:57 AM

Violence for Violence: A Mom’s Turmoil in Baltimore

I was not going to write about Baltimore, even in passing. That’s the first thing you need to know. I think that the post I wrote about Ferguson (and still stand by) captures my feelings about Baltimore as well. Then yesterday, I gave my opinion about the mom – you’ve all read about this mom, and/or seen the video – who publicly struck her child, again and again, in an effort to get him off the street and away from his participation in the rioting. My response wasn’t even about her really….. it was about the greater public opinion that was lauding her as a hero.

Finally, a mom doing parenting right, the world seemed to scream.

It made me profoundly sad, and quite honestly, confused.

The very same people who recognize that violence is not the answer in retaliation to the police somehow find violence an appropriate response when it’s coming from a parent?

It bothered me all day. And when a page I follow asked the question, “So what do you think of this mom that’s being called the Mother of the Year?” I answered,

“Violence in response to violence is still violence, and it isn’t the answer.”

I received a handful of comments, but the very first one read:

Spoken like a true person who has no idea what it’s like being a single black mother.

And she’s absolutely correct! I don’t know what it’s like to be a single black mother. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a single black mother. I don’t pretend to know what kind of fear, and anger, and horror was coursing through her body to prompt her to react that way. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to fear for my teenage son every time he leaves the house. I think about it, and I can’t even imagine.

But I can’t really apologize for being born white.

And I can’t really apologize for not condoning violence (yes, I think that what I saw on that video was violent)

And it’s obviously not me trying to speak for a single, black mother… but just to speak as a human. A human mother with four kids who thinks that the cycle of violence has to be learned – and therefore can be broken – and passed down from generation to generation. A human who realizes that if a mom uses physical punishment as her biggest parenting tool (likely because her parents used physical punishment as their only tool) that unless she makes a conscious effort to seek alternatives, her children will also learn that an appropriate response to anger and frustration is physical violence. A human who will always always stand on the side of the children, and their right – as any other citizen – to not be hurt at the hands of their parents.

Somewhere, somehow, the cycle needs to stop. I don’t think violence is the answer. I don’t think violence is ever the answer.

I will apologize for one thing though. I apologize for not knowing the right thing to say; for not knowing the right way to express my rather complex feelings about all of this. For not being able to understand, ANY of it. I think that compassion would go a long way, for all involved…. including this mom and her son! but starting with the young man who entered police custody alive, but somehow ended up dead.

Compassion for the 10s of thousands of people, that the media doesn’t want to show us, who are peacefully protesting.

Compassion for the police who are being physically harmed for doing their job.

Compassion for the innocent people who live in that city who are just trying to go about their lives amongst the unrest.

Compassion for the loved ones of all of the above, who wake up each morning with fear in their hearts.

And yes, compassion for the people who know no other way to voice their frustration and anger and deep-seated wounds than to act out in a physically violent way. Somewhere along the way, we failed them. Somewhere along the way, they learned that violence was the answer.

My fear is that if we keep offering praise and encouragement – instead of alternative tools and support – to parents who are physically violent towards their children, that the tide will never change.

It’s terrible what’s happening… not just in Baltimore, but all across the country. And it starts with the kids. It’s starts with how they’re treated; it starts with what we’re teaching them. Change starts with us, as their parents. It’s a difficult and uncomfortable and painful conversation to be had for sure, but it’s one that needs to happen. White, black, single, married, gay, straight. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from or what your history is. Have the hard conversations, ask yourself the hard questions. Recognize that nothing will ever get better if we’re fighting amongst ourselves, instead of getting real, thinking of the children, and realizing that we’re all in this together.

We’re all just doing our best to make sense of something that makes no sense.

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March 25, 2015 · 3:08 PM

An Open Letter To Phil Robertson Supporters

To my fellow Christians,

I’ve never been a fan of Duck Dynasty. Let me just admit my bias right up front and start there. I watched the show once – well before all the controversial headlines – and I would rather walk barefoot through a forest of Legos than be subjected to watching it again. But people have different tastes, and I understand that. And when you find a TV show or an artist or a public figure who you can relate to in some way, it’s a powerful thing. I think as a Christian, there’s something particularly alluring about seeing a fellow believer in such a prominent way in mainstream society. And I understand that too.

Hey this is a cool! This guy’s on this popular quirky reality show, and he’s a strong believer! What a nice change of pace!

I think we all want to feel we belong to something larger than ourselves. We want to feel that we FIT somewhere. So when someone like Phil Robertson comes along, with his beard and his ducks and his “good biblical values”, people desperately latch onto him….. and they hold on so tight that they can’t even see what it is they’re grasping.

Oh how ardently people defend him!! But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s not HIM they’re defending so much as the idea of the Christian ideal that they (mistakenly) think he represents. We should encourage and support and defend the rights of those who are putting themselves in the public eye as a representative of Christ-like behavior. Absolutely.

The problem is….. his behavior is pretty much the antithesis of Christ-like love. I’m literally embarrassed that Christians are so steadfastly standing behind this man, hailing him as a role model for Christian values. I have to ask, because I just cannot understand, even a little bit….

Seriously? THIS guy? THIS is who you choose to hold up as an ambassador of our faith? THIS is how you want to represent Christianity?

Honestly, it’s no wonder that so very very many people are turned off by religion.

This is a crass, vulgar, hate-filled man who made graphic comments about what kind of sex gay people must be having, as well as comparing homosexuality to bestiality and stating that AIDS was God’s punishment for immorality. This is not Christ-like!! (In case you’re wondering, you can find out what Jesus actually had to say about homosexuality here.)

He blames STDs on “beatniks and hippies.” Sex apparently is a very big issue for him, as it’s something he rails about often.

And most recently, he recounted a graphic, disturbing hypothetical story (pulled from his own imagination, for reasons I fail to understand) about atheists getting raped and murdered in their home.

Again, I have to ask: THIS GUY?

Now, I’m one of those rare Christians who doesn’t believe that homosexuality in and of itself is a sin (and honestly, even if I did, I have better things to be concerned about then who someone else is attracted to) but even if we disagree on that, can we agree that vulgar and hate-filled rants aimed at gay people are not the answer?

I have many atheist friends whom I love dearly, and I don’t think it’s my job to convert them. (I think it’s my job to LOVE them, and to live out my own faith to the best of my ability) But even if we disagree on that, can we agree that graphic fantasies about raping and murdering entire families of atheists are not the answer?

Can we agree that if we’re really going to represent Jesus, we need to start with LOVING people, instead of damning them all to hell?

Can we agree that if we’re going to hold someone up as a role model for our faith that it should be someone who models kindness, and grace, and actual love towards mankind?

My fellow Christians, I think we need to take a collective step back, and take a good long look at what it is we’re doing, how we’re representing Christianity, and who we’re hailing as our heroes. For me, I’ll look to Jesus for my example. But if you need a human example, there are people out there to emulate. There are kind people, loving people, people who use their platforms to spread positivity, not hatred.

I ask you though, in all sincerity, to stop looking for them on Duck Dynasty. Stop telling yourself (and others!) that Phil Robertson’s words or actions represent the true nature of Christianity, because they do not. He doesn’t represent the God that I know. He doesn’t represent the Jesus that I know. He doesn’t represent any of the loving, giving Christians that I am privileged enough to call friends.

The state of American Christianity has gotten so far off the mark that I don’t even know that it is fixable anymore. I see the worship and admiration of people like Phil Robertson, and I genuinely fear that we’ve lost our collective heads all together.

Let’s bring humanity – and some common sense! – back into our faith. Let’s give a little more effort towards “loving your neighbor as yourself”, and a WHOLE LOT LESS credence to sad, confused reality stars who are bent on persecuting others.

Sincerely,

Fed Up and Frustrated

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Filed under faith, hot topics, rant, religion

January 26, 2015 · 4:26 PM

I love God. I love my husband. And I still wear yoga pants in public.

Photo credit: Lynn Friedman

Every so often, I find myself frustrated because I keep hearing little comments, seeing little blurbs, or catching glimpses of headlines and don’t know what everyone’s talking about. I’ve seen enough to know that whatever it is that’s making its furious circuit around social media is a “thing”, but I don’t know enough to actually engage in a conversation about it. I don’t like feeling ignorant, so I’ll make the time to actually sit down and educate myself on the topic du jour. Sometimes it’s having to do with politics, or sports, or pop culture. Sometimes it’s a particularly juicy piece of celebrity gossip, or a shocking bit of national news. Last week it was…..

Yoga pants.

Specifically, whether or not women have some sort of moral duty not to wear them in public, lest men get tempted and think bad thoughts.

First, a disclaimer: I’m not unbiased. I teach yoga, and often go to yoga classes as a student, so stretchy pants are my uniform. If I need to get groceries or gas or stop at the drugstore on the way home, so be it. I don’t think twice about what I’m wearing. My clothes are clean and neat and fit well. Besides, yoga pants are pretty much the most comfortable thing on the planet, so I’m not about to get all stretched out and blissed out and zen….. only to change into something more restricting so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of the guy working at the 7-11.

Second, if someone chooses for themselves not to wear yoga pants/leggings (such as the woman who wrote the blog post that started this most recent stretchy pants hoopla) I support that like crazy. Your body = your choice what you do or do not clothe it in.

What I can’t support is this idea that they should be avoided in deference to the possibility of a man thinking “lustful thoughts.” That kind of thinking contributes to rape culture, it demeans both the wearer and the onlooker, and it’s incredibly insulting to men. Call me naive, but I’d like to believe that the men in my life are capable of thinking, and responding, and reacting, with something other than their sex organs.

I hear people saying that they dress a certain way out of respect for their husbands and the other men around them, but I’m just not so sure how respectful it is to assume that your state of dress is automatically going to be their undoing.

My husband takes the light rail to work, every day. He sees hundreds of people, from all walks of life. He sees old people and young people. Men and women. He sees attractive women. He sees attractive women in all kinds of clothes. He sees attractive women in all kinds of clothes, and sometimes he notices them. Sometimes he even thinks, “Well that there is an attractive woman.”

AND IT’S OKAY!

Here’s the thing. There is a very big difference between thinking, “Wow, she’s really pretty” and “Wow, I really want to force myself on her” (or any number of vulgar ways that may be expressed). The former is normal and okay, and not at all a problem in a healthy marriage. He notices pretty girls. I notice attractive men. It’s okay! And the latter? The latter is something different entirely, and the onus is 100% on the man to own, and be responsible for, and deal with those thoughts. Those are his thoughts. His responsibility. His issue. I don’t care what you’re wearing. And, let’s be honest, men who are going around thinking about sex with strangers likely aren’t going to care what you’re wearing either.

If you feel it’s more modest not to wear yoga pants – and I’ve gotta say it… I think yoga pants are some of the least of the offenders out there in the “non-modest” category. But I digress – If you feel it’s more modest not to wear them, by all means don’t wear them! The beautiful thing about personal choice is that we can all dress according to our own levels of comfort, both physical comfort and comfort as it pertains to things like modesty and personal appropriateness. But it’s unfair (to both men and women alike) to make it about what kind of bad thoughts these theoretical men may or may not have when they see you wearing them.

Because it stands to be repeated: HIS thoughts. HIS responsibility. And my choice in leg wear is MY choice. MY responsibility.

So I’m going to keep wearing my yoga pants. And he’s going to keep riding the train. And I’m going to rest assured knowing that he’s not mentally undressing every pretty young thing in spandex riding next to him. But if he did? If he really was looking at some girl thinking “lustful thoughts”? Those thoughts, his thoughts, would be the issue.

And it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference what kind of pants the girl was wearing.

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January 8, 2015 · 7:35 PM

Why We Need To Keep Talking About Leelah Alcorn

Leelah Alcorn, 1997-2014

I’ll be 41 in 2 days.

Even at 41, it still stings when I get disapproval from my parents. At this point, it’s stupid little things: they don’t like my nose ring, or that I gauged my ears. They stopped being excited about my tattoos after number 2 or 3. They hated my dreadlocks for every day of the three years that I had them. Such silly, inconsequential, superficial things, and yet I still – even as a grown, confident, very true-to-myself adult – I still falter, still wilt a little bit under their disapproval. Yes, I understand that they love me, but the feeling is still there, just under the surface. The feeling that I’m not living up to expectations. The feeling that I’ve disappointed in some way.

I cannot imagine, even for a second, the pain of being a teenager… a child… a time that’s confusing and difficult and rife with growing pains even under the best of circumstances… trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in…. and being met with rejection from your parents, the very people who are supposed to be your rock and your protector… rejection not for something immaterial like a hair style or a clothing choice, but for who you are.

Make no mistake, Leelah Alcorn was rejected by her parents.

In an interview with CNN, Leelah’s mother, Carla Alcorn said:

“We don’t support that, religiously [In response to her identifying as a girl]. But we told him that we loved him unconditionally. We loved him no matter what. I loved my son. People need to know that I loved him. He was a good kid, a good boy.”

And you know what, I’m sure that she did love her son. I don’t know Carla Alcorn. I have no reason to doubt her words. The problem is… this son that she loved didn’t exist. In Leelah’s own words, she knew she wasn’t “Josh” from the time she was 4 years old. She was 17 when she took her life, so that means that she lived for 13 years as someone other than who her parents wanted and expected her to be. And when she did tell them? She was met with disapproval. She was met with rejection. She was sent to Christian therapists… therapists who didn’t address her big feelings, didn’t help her with her depression, but instead tried to “fix” her. Tried to tell her how wrong she was. Tried to tell her how she just needed to pray it away. Pray away the person that she’d been since she was four years old.

Her parents did not support her, she’d been cut off from her friends, and even her “therapists” (who are supposed to help!) only served to tell her how shameful she was.

I think about how alienated and alone she must have felt and I feel sick.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Well it’s sad that she took her life, but being transgender is wrong,” I don’t care that you think it’s wrong. And I mean it in the most respectful way possible, but I really, truly don’t care. Because there’s such a thing as a right and a wrong way to treat people, and we have failed – all of us, as a society – we have shamefully failed in our treatment of people like Leelah Alcorn.

As for her parents:

Her parents have the right to their religious beliefs. They have the right to disagree with her decision to transition to female. Absolutely. But as parents they also had a responsibility. A responsibility to realize that their right to their own beliefs did not and should not supersede their daughter’s right to feel safe and loved and accepted in her own home. A responsibility to understand that their religious rights end where another person’s human rights begin (and not just any old person, but their CHILD!). Leelah had the right to be loved and cared for and protected FOR WHO SHE WAS, not who they wanted her to be. Even in death, they refuse to call her by her chosen gender pronoun, and that to me speaks volumes.

I hesitate to bring religion into it, because I don’t really believe it’s about religion. I believe it’s about love and acceptance. But I feel like it has to be addressed, because I have seen far too many comments along the lines of “This is why I hate Christians.” [And as an aside, I need to believe that the people who say that don’t actually hate all Christians, because if they did, it would mean that they practice the very same bigotry that they’re speaking out against.] It stands to be said that not all Christians would behave the same way as Leelah’s parents. Not all Christians are the same. It bothers me – deeply – how often I find myself needing to say that, but it’s true. In fact my faith informs me very very differently. My faith tells me to love…. deeply, truly, unconditionally. My faith tells me that in order to parent, and parent well, that I need to accept and honor my children for WHO THEY ARE, not tell them through my words and actions that the essence of their identity is wrong or bad or shameful.

My faith tells me that the God I love would not create my child in a particular way (in Leelah’s case as a chid born with male genitalia but who ultimately identified as female), only to want me to reject and alienate the very person He created.

And don’t misunderstand me. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be the parent of a transgender child. I can’t pretend to know the pain of losing a child, and the pain of knowing that my own choices contributed.

What I do know is that the words Leelah spoke in her heartbreaking suicide note reflect not just the anguish of her own life and death, but also speak to a much more universal problem. There are countless other “Leelahs” out there, and they need our support. And as the days pass, and people mention her name less and less, I feel almost panicky inside. Panicky because I feel like we NEED to keep talking about this. I feel like we need to remember. I feel like we need to take the lesson learned from Leelah’s life and death and live it.

What does it take for our society to wake up? What does it take for us to stand on the side of compassion and understanding and acceptance for all people? What does it take for us to err on the side of love?

These are the questions we should be asking ourselves all the time, not just in response to tragedy.

Leelah shouldn’t have died. Oh she shouldn’t have died! By all accounts, she was a beautiful and talented soul. But I thank her for leaving her words for all of us, for the powerful and important and timeless message of love, acceptance, and kindness for all. I pray that she finds the peace that she never found on earth.

The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Sending love to all, in Leelah’s honor.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

If you are transgender and contemplating suicide, you can call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860

LGBT youth (24 years and younger) can call the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-7386

For all ages and identities, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

4 Comments

Filed under acceptance, headlines, hot topics, judgement, kindness, love, parenting

December 6, 2014 · 10:25 AM

Love and Hatred in Phoenix

Photo Credit: Kevin Spencer

I don’t even know where to start.

Just a couple of days ago, I wrote Race, Compassion, and Some Thoughts on Ferguson, to which the response has mostly been really lovely and supportive. A few people find me uninformed and focused on the wrong issues…. which is fine. Truly. The beauty of blogging (and by extension, the entire internet) is that people are of course free to focus on, write about, and discuss any issues they’d like.

My blog = my issues.

And today, I’m sad. I’m tired.

The last time I wrote, Phoenix wasn’t yet getting national attention for the death of Rumain Brisbon, whose name has become the latest addition to the list of high-profile officer/civilian killings. As more and more people hear about it, the comments and the questions and the accusations – from all sides – carry a personal sting. This one is too close to my own backyard. Too real. I have driven by this neighborhood, many times. I could get in my car, right now, and be there in minutes. And as more details and discrepancies emerge, while people start to organize and protest (so far, peacefully), I feel like I’m holding my breath to wait for what happens next. I feel like I’m watching it all unfold…. from a different time, and a different place. Surely this can’t be 2014, in a civilized society.

In a separate, but not totally unrelated note, I also learned since the last time I wrote that the valley has its very own Westboro Baptist-style church out there promoting hate. Again, way too close to home. In a recent sermon, posted online like all his sermons, the pastor proudly declared that the cure for AIDS was found in the Bible, and was as simple as executing everyone who was LGBT:

“And that, my friend, is the cure for AIDS,” he said. “It was right there in the Bible all along — and they’re out spending billions of dollars in research and testing. It’s curable — right there. Because if you executed the [homophobic slur] like God recommends, you wouldn’t have all this AIDS running rampant.”

Right here in the valley, knocking on people’s doors and literally spreading hate.

I couldn’t help it. I looked through every corner of his “church”‘s website with the same sick morbid curiosity one would have at the proverbial train crash. And in an at once illuminating and disturbing turn, I realized that I’ve come across this man and his family before. I don’t always remember all my online critics (there are a lot of them, and it’s not exactly the most productive thing to focus on) but a few stand out to me. One of them turned out to be his wife. Her post was years ago, but I still remember it. In no particular order, she 1) was one of the few who managed to include almost ALL the hateful misconceptions that people want to perpetuate against those who advocate for gentle parenting, all in one blog post: According to this woman, my children will grow up to be “angry, hateful, violent, defiant children.” They’ll be “disobedient, self-entitled monsters” “Lazy jerks who want to live off welfare because having a job isn’t fun.” “Axe murderers.” She “pities the mothers who have to endure living with such offspring.” 2) used “biblical values” as her rationale, and 3) was local. Yep, I won’t forget that one. And it actually makes so much sense to me now, why a stranger would have such vitriol towards another parent, especially a fellow Christian. It’s what’s preached in her home, day in and day out.

I’m….. I don’t even know what I am anymore. Appalled doesn’t do the feeling justice.

I’m sad, and so so tired. I’m angry too, if for no other reason than that Christmas is 19 days away, and there’s just so much ugly right now. It’s 19 days before Christmas and I’m thinking about heartache and sadness and hatefulness instead of love.

I mean, love still exists, right?

It does. It does. I know it does. It’s there in the muck and the mire and the trenches. In the houses, on the streets, in the families. In the KIDS! My sweet, sweet kids who, if that pastor’s wife met for even five minutes, would see are the very opposite of what she assumes them to be.

There’s still love, even in Phoenix.

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