Photo Credit: Matt A.J. via Flickr

A few quick, but important, disclaimers:

• This is a post about Donald Trump – and about rape culture.  This isn’t a post about Hillary Clinton, or Bill Clinton, or any other Democrat (or any other Republican for that matter). This is about the actions of one individual.  When you lead your rebuttal with, “But Hillary…” or “What about Bill…” all it does is make me think you can’t articulate your own feelings about Trump well enough to discuss them without deflecting onto something/someone else.  This isn’t about Hillary Clinton.  That’s another discussion.

• I hate talking about anything remotely political.  Hate it.  It makes my stomach hurt and my heart race and my mouth go dry.  I know that some people love a good political debate.  I do not.  So for me to write about something that can be deemed political, especially on my blog, it means I find it really, really important.  Important enough to ignore the impending urge to vomit.

• I’m not sure what I’m doing in the upcoming election.  I may vote third party.  That shouldn’t matter, since this is a post about one candidate only (see point number one), but it gets really boring and redundant to answer to immediate assumptions that if you have a negative word to say about Donald Trump, you must be voting for/endorsing Hillary Clinton.  I am a registered Democrat.  I’m also a woman, and a mother, and thinker, and a person who can make informed, intelligent decisions all by herself.  Boxing people into narrow little definitions never helps anyone.

• If you’re tempted to comment in the vein of, “He’s still better than Hillary,” please read point number one again.

In case you missed it, some audio from 2005 was recently released in which Donald Trump can be heard saying things like:

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it…  I did try and f— her. She was married.”

“I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her.  You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it.  You can do anything…  Grab them by the p—y…. You can do anything.”

Now to be fair, Trump says a lot of crass, juvenile, and/or vulgar things.  It’s sort of his modus operandi.  We all – including his supporters – know to expect this from him by now.  Insensitive, unfiltered comments are Trump’s calling card.

But that’s not what this is.

What Trump is describing (and indeed bragging about) is sexual assault.

Kissing/touching/grabbing a woman without her consent is sexual assault.

Using your power as an excuse to “do anything” to a woman is sexual assault.

This is not a conversation about some silly inconsequential words uttered by an arrogant egomaniac.  This is about a man who wants to be the leader of your country. This is about a man who is not only admitting to but boasting about sexual assault.

This is about a culture that supports Donald Trump, and others like him.  People who want to blame the victim.. for drinking too much, or dressing too provocatively, or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  People who let rapists like Brock Turner walk away with a slap on the wrist.  People who excuse sexual aggression by saying “boys will be boys”, or excuse sexually aggressive language by calling it “locker room talk.”

This isn’t locker room talk.  Most men don’t talk about sexually assaulting women.  Most men don’t talk about grabbing women’s genitals.

This isn’t “boys being boys.”  To reduce it to such is like giving a big “F–k you” to the 1 in 5 women who have or will have experienced sexual assault in their lifetime.  Excusing Trump for what he said and did is the same thing as telling these women that their stories don’t matter;  It’s the same thing as telling these women that THEY don’t matter.

Excusing, defending, or dismissing Trump’s words (because they were a decade ago, because he’s human, because he’s “sorry”) explicitly tells the world that you think it’s okay.  It’s okay to reduce women to sexual objects that are there for the taking.  It’s okay to joke and brag about touching them sexually without their consent.  It’s okay to vote someone who endorses assault into the most powerful position in the United States, just because you happen to agree with his policies.

None of this is okay. 

And it’s not about political parties, and it’s not about us vs them, and it’s not about “the lesser of two evils.”  It’s about right and wrong, plain and simple.

I see memes like this, and I feel sick to my stomach  (*Note:  The first couple of memes reference Hillary Clinton, because that’s the sort of thing that people like to post.  Per my own rules, I’m ignoring the parts about Clinton*):

What Trump has said is that it’s okay to sexually assault women.  That’s bothersome.  You should find that bothersome.  We should ALL find that bothersome.

Or this one:

He has said mean things, to be sure.  Mocking a disabled reporter was mean.  Mocking a woman – or all women – for menstruating was mean.  Mocking Miss Universe for gaining weight was mean.  Mocking people is a very big thing for Trump.  But endorsing sexual assault is not “mean.”  It’s in a whole different category than mean.  And reducing what a woman who’s been sexually assaulted feels when she hears his words to “hurt feelings” is minimizing and disgusting.

People who are bothered by Trump’s actions are not delicate little flowers who walk around with their fragile feelings hurt all the time.  They’re people who care about how others are treated.  They’re people who care that women, minorities, LGBTQ, children, disabled individuals all receive the same amount of care and respect and compassion as everyone else.  They’re people who care about not perpetuating misogyny and hate.  They’re people who care that this man – this person who wants to be the leader of our country – has so little regard for his fellow humans.

And finally:

I saved this one for last because it is the most ridiculous of the three.  I hardly want to dignify it with a response, but I have to.  If it wasn’t dealing with such a serious issue, this meme would be laughable.  Now I obviously can’t speak for any other women but myself, but I’m not the least bit “outraged at Donald Trump’s naughty words.”  Naughty words (and what are we, 8 years old?) don’t bother me.  Sexual assault bothers me.

Stop reducing me to a fragile little simpleton who wilts at the sight of a crass word.

As for 50 Shades:  I’ve read it, or part of it anyway.  I couldn’t really read the whole thing… not because I was offended by the “naughty words”, but because I was offended by the terrible writing.  I have very limited knowledge (and no personal experience) with BDSM, but I do know that it’s consensual.  And it should go without saying – except I’m having to say it – that these are fictional characters in a book.  It is make-believe.  Pretend.  Not real.  They are characters.  AND THEY’RE NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!  The comparison is illogical and gross.

This is a real issue, about a real person.  These are real women that Trump is talking about. If it was your daughter he was talking about, or your sister, or your mother, or your best friend…. if it was someone you loved… would you still be okay with it?

Would you be okay with someone saying they were just going to go ahead and “grab {your loved one}’s p—-y?”  Because these women he is talking about are someone’s loved ones.  They are someone’s daughters and sisters and mothers and best friends.  (**Editing after the fact to add, after it has been correctly pointed out to me by a few of my readers:  Even if the person is NOT your daughter, sister, mother, etc, she’s still a PERSON.  A woman’s life is valuable and important, no matter who she is.  Full stop.  Thank you for speaking up, and helping me write with better clarity**)

They are all of us, and they deserve better.

Our men deserve better too.  Every time you reduce Trump’s words to harmless locker room banter, you condemn all men to the lowest common denominator.  Not all men brag about sexual assault.  Not all men view women as objects rather than humans. Not all men hear Trump’s words and think they are normal, or okay, or in any way acceptable.  And honestly?  If the guys you’re hanging around do think what he said was okay, might I suggest you find some better friends, friends who actually respect women.

We can be better than this.  We have to be better than this.

I have three teenage boys, and one young daughter, and I want them to grow up to see a world that is kind, and gentle, and true.  A world where people are standing up for what is right, instead of rallying behind a man who represents everything that is wrong.

Photo credit: Vijat Mohindra

Two years ago, when Miley Cyrus debuted her infamous, gyrating, Blurred Lines performance at the VMAs, I (I’m sorry to say) responded like a host of other people.  With an aghast, “What on God’s green earth did I JUST WATCH??”  I felt traumatized. For me, it was never about the overt sexuality of the performance.  It just felt so….. awkward, and forced, and embarrassing to watch.

Before I knew what had happened, I’d jumped on the “What’s become of sweet little Miley Cyrus??” bandwagon.

Sometime in the past two years though, something changed.  Besides conceding to the fact that there’s just really nothing kind, nor productive, about gossiping about the life and career of some poor young girl I don’t even know, I started looking at her in a new light.  She really is a talented singer (I love this one.  Oh and this too), but she’s also just a fellow human, growing up in the public eye, who doesn’t deserve our collective ridicule.  And maybe it’s the mom in me, or maybe it’s simply a matter of my own growing up (I’m nearing 42;  it was bound to happen eventually) but when Miley Cyrus comes on my screen now, I’m filled with both compassion and fascination.

So last night, when she returned to the VMAs as a host, I sort of held my breath as I watched all the comments rolling by calling her “trashy” and “disgusting” and “disappointing.”  When people started to lament the fact that she had so many followers, and served as such a poor role model to our nation’s girls, I actually found myself feeling saddened and defensive, and – even though I’m aware it makes no sense – a little protective.

Yeah, she’s outrageous. Yeah, she goes for the shock value.  Yeah, she swears like a trucker and is open about her drug use. But surely we have something to learn from Miley, just as we have something to learn from everyone.  Surely, she possesses admirable attributes that her detractors are just all too happy to overlook.  And as I thought about it, and as I thought about my kids (and especially my daughter, who so looks up to her favorite singers) I quickly realized that indeed she does… qualities that I’d not only be okay with, but proud of my daughter for emulating.

Here are just six of them:

1.  Always be an advocate for helping others – Miley used her position of influence to found the Happy Hippie Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to fighting the injustice faced by homeless youth, the LGTBQ youth, and other vulnerable populations. Say what you want about her methods, but she gets people’s attention.  And when she has it?  She uses her platform to work tirelessly to educate and spread awareness about this important cause.
2. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself –  Jimmy Kimmell collaborated with Miley recently to run a segment in which she disguised herself as an Australian newscaster, and did a sort of man-on-the-street collection of little interviews, asking passers-by what they thought about Miley Cyrus.  She stayed in character, was a ridiculously good sport about the whole thing, and played along as she listened to people’s uncensored opinions on everything from her family to her singing to her outfits.  She’s so true to herself, so unruffled by other people’s perceptions, that she willingly lets herself in on the joke…. even when it’s at her own expense.
3. Other people don’t get to define who you are – I can’t imagine what it must be like growing up not just in the public eye, but in the public eye as the daughter of a well-known country artist, AND as the former beloved child star, Hannah Montana. She’s got basically a whole world of people watching, and criticizing, and expecting her to be this person, or that artist, or this young adult.  A lot of people would cave to that pressure.  A lot of people have caved to that pressure, both in and out of the industry.  But Miley recognizes that other people don’t get to make her decisions.  She essentially says, “To hell with all of them”, and she just does MILEY.
4. It’s okay to make mistakes – And look, I’m not saying that the whole VMA/Blurred Lines thing was a mistake.  Maybe she’s really proud of it.  But it stands to reason if you’re going to live out your career as… boldly as Miley has been doing, that sooner or later there’s going to be some video, or picture, or sound bite or blurb that she considers a mistake.  And that’s okay! I can’t imagine her ever doing anything but completely and totally owning it.
5. It’s okay to live out loud – “Finding yourself” doesn’t have to be linear.  In fact, it’s usually NOT linear.  It’s messy.  You’re figuring things out, you’re learning who you are, what you’re about, what you stand for.  There are fits and starts.  There are mistakes (see number 4).  There are supposed to be mistakes.  It’s how we grow.  Being bold and being brave and putting yourself out there, for better or worse, is all part of the ride. When I was young, I was afraid – of everything – and when I went through those messy periods of growth I just went more inward.   And I’ll tell you what:  Stuffing things inside because you’re scared of them isn’t the healthiest way to live.  In fact, I can honestly say that I’m still recovering.  Living out loud, being unafraid and unashamed and unabashedly YOU is so important, and Miley Cyrus seems to understand that so very well.
6. Be strong in the face of criticism – I saved this one for last because it’s one I need to most work on myself.  I still wilt in the face of criticism.  Criticism makes me want to hide, preferably in my pajamas.  Under the covers.  With my cat and Netflix as my only companions.  But Miley Cyrus?  She doesn’t hide.  She takes the criticism, and the hate, and the unkind words, and the unsolicited advice, and the trash-talking from millions of people.…. and she puts on a series of wild outfits and she hosts the VMA awards (with some major aplomb I might add).  She keeps being Miley.  She keeps singing.  She keeps performing.  She keeps doing interviews.  She keeps putting herself in the public eye.

Miley Cyrus kind of rocks.  I’ll be very curious to see where her career goes over the next several years, but wherever it leads I’ll be over here in the corner, pulling for her, hoping for good things…. and standing up for a girl who’s really just trying to figure out who she is….. with a whole heck of a lot of people watching.