Category Archives: hot topics

December 5, 2017 · 4:16 PM

Can We Stop Being Jerks At Christmas?

Why do the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people? Don’t answer that yet.

And why, WHY, do people insist on treating their kids like they’re not even people? Don’t answer that yet either.

Christmas depresses me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. I love making it special for my kids, love giving presents, love making cookies, love the food, love the festivities. This year is a mellow year for us. We just came off the nine-year-old’s play, which was taking a lot of time, especially during that final tech week. And my semester just ended, the same week as her play. So right now, I’m exhaling. Exhaling and getting ready to enjoy the holidays, but not freaking out about getting anything in particular done in time. What will be will be, and it’ll be nice.

But it still depresses me.

Mainstream parents tend to go a little crazy this time of year. I’ve never made any secret about the fact that I disagree with mainstream parenting in general… but never do I disagree with more fervor than at Christmas time.

I don’t have the vocabulary to express how much I hate some of what goes on during Christmas. (And by the way: Like they say in the movie Stepmom, hate isn’t a word I use often. I think it’s a “perfectly acceptable word, but only to be used when I truly detest something”) I truly detest what some parents do this time of year.

I wrote about the Santa Cams a few weeks back, but the latest thing that’s been brought to my attention is the idea of “present jail.” In a public post that is getting praised up and down on Facebook, one mom posted a picture of a cardboard box with some presents in it, and writes:

So….we started this yesterday because one little girl refuses to listen and behave. Any present still in the box at Christmas goes put up and can only be EARNED back by good behavior. If they can follow the rules and be good for an entire day, they can return a jailed present back to the tree. Sometimes having a visual helps a lot more than just telling them. And they have to put the present in there themselves. Presents are a privilege not a right, naughty children do not get gifts for misbehaving. #meanmom

The first time a friend showed it to me, I said, “I should write about that. But how many times, and how many ways can I say, “BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS?” I’ve said essentially the same thing dozens, if not hundreds, of times.

And I’m saying it again, I think in the hopes that someone, somewhere will read my words, and say, “Oh. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” One person. That’s all. And maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re the one I’m talking to.

This whole idea of earning gifts is archaic and cruel and the exact antithesis of what gift giving should be. Gift-giving should be unconditional. That’s the whole point. Gifts should be something that come from the heart of the giver, with no strings, and no expectations. Buying a gift, and then taking it away as punishment? It ceases to be a gift … even if they “earn” it back. You took something that should have been an expression of love and turned it into an ugly and void commodity. Congratulations.

And why just the kids? Why do kids need to earn their presents? If you buy your husband a new watch, and he comes home from work grumpy one day, do you hold it ransom? Do you tell him you bought him a present, but he doesn’t get it unless he “behaves.”? That is not a way to treat someone you love, no matter their age. It seems kind of ludicrous to think about doing it to a spouse or a friend or another adult loved one, so why, WHY would anyone think it’s okay to do to kids? As horrible as I think it’d be to do to an adult (and I do indeed think it’s pretty darn horrible), I think it’s a million times worse to do it to your kids. Your kids are still learning. Still figuring things out. Still working out how to deal with their feelings, and how to to navigate a world that is nuanced and tricky and at times extremely complicated. They need parents who are going to love them through it, to be by their side, to model appropriate behavior. And at this time of year, they need parents to show them what giving really means. Can you imagine the sad and confusing message it sends to them about generosity to be told that they have to earn their gifts? That their gifts can be taken away at a moment’s notice if they’re “naughty?” Naughty, by the way, is a word that should never be used for a child, or anyone, especially one who is just trying to deal with something difficult the best way they know how. They need our HELP, not our punishment and our shame.

I’ve had a few moments over the past month or so that I’m not proud of. I’m a human, and I’m not perfect.

Guess what? Your kids are humans and are not perfect either.

They deserve your love, your compassion, and yes, they deserve your generosity! Whether it’s in the form of your time, of an experience, of something handmade, of something they’ve been wanting from a store. It feels good to give to people we love. At least it’s supposed to! I can’t imagine it feels good to hold presents hostage, unless it honestly makes you feel good to do something unkind, which…. isn’t right. It’s just not. We’re not designed that way. We’re designed to love unconditionally, to give without expectation, to show our kids (through our words, through our actions, through our time) that they matter. That we love them. That we are, in fact, their biggest fans. Their biggest supporters. Their biggest role models. The ones they can count on when life gets squidgy, and the ones who will stand beside them when they’re scared, telling them, without a moment’s hesitation, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”

It feels good to love with that kind of love, because IT IS GOOD.

Nothing about buying and withholding gifts (and being so dang proud of it) fits into this model of true, unconditional love. In fact, it downright perverts it.

Kids need and deserve our love and compassion all year round, but especially during the holidays. Schedules are messed up, sleep is spotty, there’s extra excitement and stimulation and fancy foods, and it’s no wonder a child – or an adult – would be out-of-sorts. LOVE THEM THROUGH IT. Help them. Don’t punish them. Don’t turn gifts, something that should be fun and loving and happy, into a gross display of power and intimidation. Don’t teach your kids that gifts should come with strings attached. Don’t teach your kids that other people are theirs to control and manipulate. Don’t teach your kids that the way to solve a problem is through shaming and scare tactics.

Please, please don’t.

This Christmas, be nice to your kids. Please. Treat them like people. Treat them the way YOU would like to be treated.

And I’m pretty dang sure you wouldn’t want your new iPhone taken away because you were a little snippy one day.

Be nice to your kids.

17 Comments

Filed under Christmas, gentle parenting, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting

November 4, 2017 · 7:52 AM

Why We Need To Remember The Name Anthony Rapp

Everyone is talking about Kevin Spacey. I can’t get on my computer without seeing his smiling face – which, in light of recent news, now just looks smug and leering – along with snippets of his latest official statement. Like a lot of people, I was a fan of Kevin Spacey. I didn’t know him personally, of course, but I always enjoyed his work.

Now his name fills me with revulsion.

So I don’t want to talk about him. I want to talk about Anthony Rapp.

I didn’t recognize the name Anthony Rapp at first. A quick IMDB search however, reminded me that I did very much recognize his face, largely in part because he was in one of my favorite movies of my teen-hood: Adventures in Babysitting. He played Daryl, the goofy, obnoxious, but big hearted neighbor and best friend to Keith Coogan’s Brad. His catchphrase was a cocky and sardonic, “Ya think?” I really enjoyed that character, partly because he was the perfect foil to Coogan’s straight-laced Brad, partly because I have a tendency to favor the best friend, character-driven roles over the lead, and partly because Rapp just made him likeable.

He went on to act in many other projects, both on stage and screen (many of which I’ve seen), but to me he’ll always be Daryl Coopersmith.

Last week, Anthony Rapp came forward as having been sexually assaulted by Kevin Spacey when he was just 14 years old. Spacey was 26 at the time. In the days that followed, Kevin Spacey responded with an odd and highly, highly disconcerting “defense.” He doesn’t remember the event at all, and it must have just been a terrible, drunken mistake. Oh, and by the way, he’s gay. Which means…. what exactly? That because he’s gay it’s okay that he assaulted a 14 year old kid? That gay people are inherently pedophiles? That gay people aren’t inherently pedophiles? That being gay excuses him from heinous behavior? My brain doesn’t even want to wrap itself around all the ramifications of his disgusting and harmful statements.

Dear Kevin Spacey, this has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, and everything to do with the fact that you, as a legal adult, assaulted a 14 year old. Nobody cares that you’re gay.

The public’s response over the past week has been rightfully and overwhelmingly supportive of Anthony Rapp. What he did in going public with his story was painful, and personal, and brave. His voice joined the collective voices of the many, many women who have come forward as of late, to share their own stories of harassment, assault, and misconduct. I honestly don’t remember a time when there was such a broad, glaring light shining on this issue, and it’s at once horrifying and freeing. Freeing because people are finding strength in numbers. People are finding unity in the rallying cries of, “me too.”

Just a couple of days ago, a male friend of mine shared his own experience of ongoing sexual harassment and physical assault in the work place. If his story was not horrific enough, management did nothing when he finally reported it. But wait, that’s not really true. What they did was promote the woman who assaulted him. And as a post script, he – like so very many of us women who have been assaulted or harassed in the workplace, on the streets, in our private lives – has been living with a heavy burden of shame.

Let it sink in a minute.

The victims, who have done nothing wrong, are feeling shame. Multiply that shame times a million, and you have the kids. The 8, 10, 14 year olds who carry the shame and the pain and the confusion of having been assaulted at such a young age, a weight that is often carried into adulthood. A weight that is often never shared. Never lifted. Never exposed to light.

That is why what Anthony Rapp did was so important. He is being a voice for those who are unable to do so.

I read an article yesterday that attempted to excuse Kevin Spacey. It’s not like he had sex with him, the author maintained, he just came on to him. First, in Rapp’s own words, Kevin Spacey put him on a bed and laid on top of him. Laying on top of someone is not synonymous with flirting. Second, he was a CHILD. And third, attitudes and articles like his are exactly why people are afraid to come forward.

What Anthony Rapp did was important.

There are always those who want to say, “But he’s innocent until proven guilty!” “People are wrongfully accused all the time!” (Again, a big reason why victims are so afraid to come forward) To them I say:

WE HAVE A VERY BIG PROBLEM. And I hope that the light keeps shining on it, and I hope that people keep coming forward, and I hope that the sound of the collective “me too’s” continues to remind people that they are not alone, and that it is not their fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

To Anthony Rapp, and to everyone who is coming forward … to the overwhelming amount of victims who have not come forward … to the overwhelming amount of victims who still blame themselves, who still find ways to excuse their perpetrator’s behavior:

You are brave and you are strong. It is not your fault. I believe you. I see you.

And I’m so very sorry.

Screen Time Is Like Crocheting

Last night, I was trying to crochet. I say, “trying”, because I’m really not very good at it. It’s just one of many hobbies that I’ve picked up, played with a little bit until I got bored, then moved on to something else. It’s also one that I return to from time to time, because I really do enjoy it. I’m quite confident that with a little more practice I could make a coaster, or, if I’m feeling really adventurous, a scarf.

But right now, I make little misshapen rectangles.

So last night, I was feverishly working on my latest misshapen rectangle. I was incredibly focused… frustrated every time I dropped a stitch, elated every time I successfully did a few in a row. I’m a creative person by nature, so the feeling of creating something new with my hands is exciting and empowering. I started with yarn, and with it, I was making … well, a misshapen rectangle. But I was making something new, something that literally had never been in existence until that very moment. It was just me, my crochet hook, and my yarn.

And then people started talking to me. First, it was my 9 year old, and then it was my husband. I could feel myself getting irrationally impatient and annoyed at the perceived intrusion. (“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M CROCHETING HERE, PEOPLE?!”). I answered them, but I was vague. Distracted. The truth was, I was really into what I was doing, and wasn’t taking kindly to being interrupted.

I did finally stop long enough to eat dinner but even then I was sort of “out of it.” I’d stopped before I was ready, so my brain was still focused elsewhere. I wanted to get back to my project.

And it wasn’t because I’m “addicted”, and it wasn’t because crocheting is “bad.” It was simply because I’d gotten super involved, and sometimes it’s hard to immediately shake out of that.

I fail to see why playing video games, watching movies, or browsing YouTube is any different.

And yet it’s such a common refrain among those who are new to the idea of unschooling:

“He gets so angry/irritable/frustrated when we tell him it’s time to stop playing”

“Every time she watches videos for too long, she just zones everyone and everything else out.”

“We have to limit his time on the computer or he’d never do anything else.”

“When she’s wrapped up in a game, she doesn’t eat, won’t take a break, and barely gets up to go to the bathroom.”

Short translation: Activities involving screens are harmful and addictive.

But there is literally nothing in the above statements that couldn’t also be applied to someone who was super involved with crocheting. Or reading. Or drawing. Or gardening. We all have our outlets, and we all have our activities that demand our full-attention. Maybe we’re creating. Maybe we’re learning.

Maybe we’re using all our brain power to solve the puzzle and save the princess and make it to the next level.

Getting involved to that extent is normal, especially if the activity is new. If I can get inpatient, frustrated, and irritated when interrupted while crocheting, why is it unacceptable for children? As an adult, I can generally handle such feelings without taking it out on the people around me. But kids feel the same frustrations, and don’t have the years of experience or maturity to know what to do with their feelings. The solution then is understanding and assistance …. not taking the offending activity away. Help them, don’t punish them.

“He gets so angry/irritable/frustrated when we tell him it’s time to stop playing”

Yup, I’d feel all those things if I was suddenly and unexpectedly made to stop doing something I enjoyed too… especially if it was something like a video game, that could not be saved at that particular point. Give plenty of warnings and advanced notice. Help them plan their time, and understand what’s happening when. Transitions can be hard, especially for little ones. This is not the fault of the video game. Work with them on transitions, and over time, they’ll get easier.

“Every time she watches videos for too long, she just zones everyone and everything else out.”

I love the feeling of getting so lost in a good book or a good movie that everything around me disappears. It means the author or filmmaker did their job well. We all – every one of us – are allowed to “zone out” sometimes… whether it’s to a good book, a movie, a song, a TV show. IT’S OKAY! Getting lost in an activity helps us relax, rest, and reset. I would frankly be more concerned for the kid who was denied the opportunity to regularly zone out for awhile.

“We have to limit his time on the computer or he’d never do anything else.”

When something is limited, it becomes more attractive. Like the proverbial forbidden fruit, it starts to be more enticing, more alluring, and disproportionately important. It’s just human nature. Any child (or adult for that matter) who is forbidden from using something is going to appear to be unhealthily obsessed with it when they do get the opportunity. Not knowing when they’re going to get to use it again, they feverishly devour it while they can. When the limit is lifted, and the initial inevitable binge moment has passed, it becomes just one of a million different choices they can make in a day. When they truly trust that you won’t take it away, their interest tends to “normalize”, and you realize that they aren’t so obsessed after all. My kids all use their computers daily (often for hours). They also write music and poetry, read, bake, make things with their hands, hang out with friends, act, sing, play musical instruments, hike, research, make YouTube videos….

“Never” is an extreme and loaded word. It is highly unlikely that your child would honestly and literally never do anything else if his computer time wasn’t limited.

“When she’s wrapped up in a game, she doesn’t eat, won’t take a break, and barely gets up to go to the bathroom.”

So this is a real thing. When I’m lost in a good book, I lose all sense of time. It’s not often that I get the opportunity to read for hours, but when I do, it often ends in a confused, dehydrated, starving stupor. It doesn’t even have to be something that I’m enjoying now that I think about it. The other day I was deep into my math class (College Algebra is my Everest), getting crazy frustrated, and refusing to do anything else. When Mike suggested I take a break, I just about bit his head clear off. I was committed, dammit, and I was going to see it through*. I know the feeling of not wanting to take a break. I’ve seen it in my kids, in my husband, and in myself. The solution? Connection. Understanding. HELP. Instead of vilifying video games, and grumbling that they make your kid neglect their own needs… meet them where they’re at. Chat with them about what they’re playing. Ask if you can bring them a snack. Help them deal with any frustrations. And yes, gently suggest a break if things are getting too intense.

Screen time is not the evil that it’s so often made out to be. It’s just not. It’s simply one (actually many – since “screen time” is a catch-all term that refers to an infinite number of activities) of a million different pursuits that one can dive into, learn from, grow from, and get lost in.

It’s like crocheting.

And if your kid gets frustrated in their pursuit of learning to crochet, you help them. You don’t vilify the very thing that they’re trying to learn.

______________________________________________

*I did eventually heed his advice to take a break. And it helped. 🙂

2 Comments

Filed under hot topics, screen time, unschooling

October 11, 2017 · 5:18 PM

The Holidays Are For Giving, Not Manipulating

Let me paint a picture for you.

You’re 6 years old. You just came off the excitement of Halloween. Thanksgiving is coming, followed by Christmas just a few short weeks later. You’re going to holiday parties and special events, your schedule is all out of whack, and you’ve been eating all kinds of rich, sweet, and complicated foods. You’re spending time helping to decorate, and make gifts, and make cookies and other treats. You’re probably not sleeping very well because you’re excited and everything’s thrown off, and your six-year-old self is buzzing with restless energy, anticipation, and – if we’re being honest – likely some exhaustion and over-stimulation too.

And then, right at the breaking point, right at that moment when what’s needed most is some collective down-time, some deliberate slowing and reconnecting and a heap-load of grace….. your (probably well-meaning) parents tell you that a magic old man is watching your every move, that if you make any missteps he’s going to know about it, and that if you’re not good enough, you’re not going to get any presents at Christmas. And then, lest you don’t believe it, they install cameras, just to be sure you’re properly submissive. Or afraid. Or both.

Surely I can’t be the only one who realizes how completely manipulative, not to mention illogical, this is?

In Christmases-past, I’ve written about my issues with the Elf on a Shelf, but I’m new to the whole concept of Santa Cams. When I first heard about them, it was in the context of ornaments for the tree. Cutesy little balls painted like cameras, sold by about a million different vendors on Etsy. The premise is as simple as it is creepy; Santa watches you through the camera, and if you misbehave (a word I can’t stand, but am using for the sake of illustration), you won’t get any presents. As if those weren’t bad enough, someone recently brought my attention to the more insidious – and much, much creepier – version: cameras that are meant to mount on the child’s bedroom wall or ceiling.

You guys, I cannot overstate how disturbed I am by these Santa Cams.

Because there are just so very many things wrong with them, and because I think better in lists, here are my top five reasons to – at a bare minimum – carefully consider whether or not you want to instill (and install) something like this in your own home.

1. It teaches that giving is conditional

Let’s just start there. No one should ever have to “earn” their gifts, Christmas or otherwise. By definition, a gift is something that is given freely, without condition, and without expectation. Something that – ideally – comes from the heart and the generosity of the giver. Teaching your kids that they need to behave a certain way in order to get Christmas gifts not only destroys and mocks the whole premise of giving, it ensures that their future relationship with giving will be a warped and unhealthy one. I want my kids to give because they want to give, not because someone jumped through some requisite hoops in order to be deemed worthy.

2. It encourages behavior that is driven by extrinsic (rather than intrinsic) motivation

So let’s get this question out of the way. Do Santa Cams “work”, in terms of getting children to behave in a certain way? Quite possibly, depending on the kid. But just to be clear on what’s really happening: They’re being driven by something external. They’re performing strictly because of the promise of reward and/or the fear of punishment. That’s it. It doesn’t actually teach them anything, except that gifts are conditional, that it’s okay to manipulate people into doing what we want them to do, and that the only reason to behave reasonably is because a jolly fat man might take away your stocking if you don’t. Take away the promise of presents, and what motivation do they have then? People, of any age, should act according to their own inner sense of right and wrong, their own innate wisdom that informs them how they want to behave, and how they want to treat others. Children by nature are incredibly giving, and loving, and kind. They are, by nature, good …. until and unless that natural inclination is squashed and skewed by things like punishments and rewards.

3. It’s manipulative.

As parents, we know that there is no literal Santa Claus that lives at the North Pole. We know that if our kids are going to get presents, we’ll be the ones providing them. We know that the Santa “camera” is nothing more than cheap plastic (and, if we’ve splurged on the fancy one, a set of AA batteries for an LED blinking light). We know that our children are already overtired, under-rested, and all hopped up on sugar and adrenaline. The kids know none of that. They just know that they’re excited. They know they want fun new presents on Christmas morning. They actually believe that Santa is watching them, because that’s what their parents told them. Parents take advantage of that trust and that naivete because they know that by controlling them through the threat of punishment and the promise of reward that it will make their lives just a tiny bit easier. It is the very definition of manipulation, and manipulation isn’t nice. Which brings me to:

4. It is damaging to your relationship

Nothing good ever comes from taking advantage of and manipulating someone in a relationship. Ever. In fact, people spend entire lifetimes trying to recover from being manipulated by parents, partners, siblings, friends, churches ….

Relationships, including, or especially!, between parent and child are precious, and need to be treated with care. Once trust is broken, it’s a tricky tricky thing to repair. That is not to say that wounds can’t be healed, or that wrongs can’t be righted. Sometimes they can, and sometimes the damage is just too deep. But given the preemptive choice to do the unkind, manipulative thing, and to… well, NOT do it, the latter is always the better option. The age-old adage still holds true: treat others how you would like to be treated yourself.

5. It raises some serious and confusing messages in the realm of privacy and consent.

I saved this one for last because it’s at once the most disturbing, and the one most likely to prompt people to say, “Oh come on, you’re taking this way too far.” But I beg you to hear me out. Hearing that this was something that people were actually hanging in their children’s bedroom raised major, major red flags for me. In this current climate under a president who brags about “grabbing women by the p*ssy” I think it’s safe to say that there’s a really grossly blurred line when it comes to privacy and consent. I think it’s also safe to say that it’s more important than ever to talk about these issues at home, whether you have boys or girls. Kids need to know about privacy. Kids need to know about consent. So I ask you, in all sincerity, where does a peeping, spying old man fit into a healthy model of consent? How do you ever reconcile sending your young kids the sickening and confusing message that it’s okay if someone watches you undress and sleep if they hold the power to give or withhold presents?? Yes, they’re not actually being watched. But the kids don’t know that. The kids believe they’re actually being watched. They believe their parents know about it. And they believe it’s okay because it’s a benevolent old guy with a magic sack of gifts.

It’s creepy.

It’s disgusting.

It’s dangerous.

Regardless of your religious beliefs, regardless of where you stand politically (I’m already wondering if I’m going to kick myself for including the Trump reference, not gonna lie), regardless of how you do or not celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Festivus … I hope that we can agree that the holidays should be about love and kindness, giving and generosity.

Which should never, ever include manipulating the people we love the most.

5 Comments

Filed under control, holidays, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, respect

September 19, 2017 · 3:41 PM

6 Things My Kids Have Gained From The Internet And Social Media

I remember when the internet was born. I was in my 20’s, newly married, and thought it was the Coolest. Thing. Ever. The ability to browse for information, talk to new people, and communicate through email… all from the safety of my home, in my pajamas?? An introvert’s dream.

And as the internet grew, I grew with it.

I remember when everyone had dire warnings about meeting up with people you connected with online. Stranger danger! Now, all of my closet friends are people I met online.

I remember when everyone was afraid to shop online, for fear that it wasn’t secure and that their credit card numbers/identity/life would be stolen. Now I shop for everything online… from prescriptions, to Amazon, to Etsy. We even order our groceries online.

My kids never knew a world without the internet. How lucky they are! Like it or not, we live in a digital age now, one in which everything you can imagine can be learned, bought, consumed, transmitted, created, and communicated online. It doesn’t replace 3D life of course (and the intricacies and experiences and connection that go with it) but good grief does it enhance it. I feel so fortunate, and so glad for my kids, that there are such endless opportunities to explore, to learn, and to connect, right there at their little fingertips. For years the big joke has been the math teachers from years ago saying, “You need to learn to do this manually! You won’t be carrying around a calculator in your pocket.” Now, not only do we carry calculators in our pockets, we carry powerful computers. Portals, if you will, into an entire other world, a world that is seamlessly integrated into our physical lives. Pretty cool, right?

This is 2017.

Which is why I’m surprised and well… saddened… at the number of people who still want to so tightly control and limit when it comes to the internet and social media. At the number of negative, fear-mongering articles that still come across my Facebook news feed. At the amount of disdain aimed at apps, programs, and websites that allow kids (and adults) to express themselves in creative ways.

There is still so much FEAR.

But it can’t be overstated… this is the world we live in. The internet is only going to continue to grow, so it only stands to reason that we should equip our kids to grow with it. Case in point: A friend of mine has a son who was rejected for a program he really wanted to take. Why? Because he didn’t have a big enough digital footprint.

Now, is there yucky and dark and stuff to potentially stumble onto on the internet? Sure. Does learning to navigate social media in a healthy way require an involved and connected parent, someone who’ll stay close and present as they figure things out? Of course. But keeping them away is not the answer. Especially in a time when there is so very much for them to gain – important things for them to gain! – by letting them explore and learn from the digital world and everything it has to offer.

Here are 5 things my kids have gained or are gaining from the internet and social media (and this is by no means a comprehensive list!) In no particular order:

1) Knowledge This is an obvious and broad one, but it couldn’t be left off the list. Remember growing up with those sets of Britannica Encyclopedias? Well, the internet is just like a million different sets of those encyclopedias. On steroids. In Disneyland. On the fourth of July. It is a constantly updated, ever expanding, veritable treasure trove of information. Want to know how far a person sprays when their sneeze goes uncovered? Google. (200 feet, in case you’re curious). Want to see a detailed map of the world, of your country, of your town? Google. Can’t remember the name of the guy in that movie with the song you like? Google. Want to learn a new language? Google. Want to learn how to knit, how to build a shed, how to bake a souffle, how to apply a perfect cat eye with eyeliner? YouTube. I’ve finally learned to stop asking my kids, “Wait. Where’d you learn that?”, as the answer is always and inevitably somewhere in their travels on the interwebs. There are websites for everything. There are more formal classes if that’s what they like (lots of which are free!). There are tutorials and history lessons and peer-reviewed articles. As long as you can figure out the right search terms, you can learn about anything your heart desires. Which brings me to,

2) Critical thinking skills Learning to navigate the internet means learning the nuances of searching and browsing in general. And you may not have looked at it this way, but these are critical thinking skills that are easily transferred to other areas in life. These are the skills that help us to be clear in our thoughts and in our questions. These are the skills that help us to be discerning. To learn how to scan, discard, and sort information. To think about what it is we’re learning, and how it does or does not apply to our lives. To make decisions about what we do or do not want to be filling our heads, and where we do or do not want to spend our time. It teaches us to ponder, to question, to go deeper. To jump down that rabbit hole of vast, intense learning, and smoothly and expertly ride down all the never-ending little trails and offshoots it has to offer, stopping only when we’ve had our fill, and picking it all up again (or not) when we are ready.

3) Enhanced relationships. My daughter is the biggest example of this, but no one in this family is excluded. The only extrovert in a house full of introverts, she lives for and thrives on her play dates, and theater practice, and sleepovers. But when she can’t be with her friends in person? Skype to the rescue! She learned to navigate Skype at an extremely young age, and my house is always filled with the sounds of her and various friends chatting, playing games, and singing together. And if a friend does not have Skype? No problem. They just email. Dozens of emails shot back and forth, in real time. (This is a great starter email for kids, if you’re looking for one. It’s parent-moderated and extremely user friendly) And my boys? My oldest has been in two long-distance relationships online. He regularly chats with, and games with, friends from all around the country. He watches movies, virtually, with friends who are thousands of miles away. My younger two boys recently made friends with two sisters at our unschooling conference. They spent hours and hours and hours together at the conference, playing board games, and strategy games, and bluffing games (This feels important to mention, as some detractors of giving kids freer reign on the internet think that it causes them to be unwilling/unable to play and interact in person, without a screen in front of them. Not so much.) They live just down in Tucson, so meeting up in person is not at all beyond the realm of possibility, but in the meantime the internet – and Discord in particular – have allowed them to continue to grow their friendship online. They have spent pretty much every evening together, chatting, laughing, and playing cooperative games together. And for me personally? I have one invaluable group of women that laugh with me, cry with me, and give me honest advice … all mostly within the confines of a private Facebook group. And last month, one of the hardest months I’ve had in a long time, I had one friend who just refused to leave me alone (in a good way). She doesn’t live particularly nearby, so she texted and messaged me daily. To check in. To encourage me. To push me. To remind me to get dressed and take care of myself. None of that would have been possible if we didn’t live in a digital world.

4) Conflict resolution. Lest I give the impression that digital interactions are always smooth sailing, this is the real world. Stuff happens. I’ve helped my kids navigate disagreements, deal with unkind behavior, and understand the nuances of playing and interacting with large groups of strangers. I don’t know about you, but I would much prefer that they go out into the world already having this foundation of knowledge to stand on, and letting them interact digitally allows them to do just that. They’re able to figure it all out at home, with me by their side… whether it means involving me or my husband to help sort the problem, or talking things through, or standing up for themselves, or – in some cases – utilizing that “block” button. My kids are far more adept at skillfully and confidently handling any interpersonal problems that crop up than I ever was (heck, than I am at the present time as well), largely because of their ability to practice online.

5) Entertainment. People are really weird about this one, as if there is no inherent value in being entertained for entertainment’s sake. But as a lover of all sorts of creative arts, AND as someone who’s worked really hard to learn how to protect my mental health, I can tell you that it’s not only okay to let yourself be entertained, but vital to a balanced and healthy life. And the internet makes it so easy! From streaming movies, to satire websites, to the ubiquitous funny cat videos, they is no shortage of ways to relax, reset, and enjoy the hard work and creative output of others. My 13 year old loves to cook, and he’s been watching a YouTube channel that is part comedy, part recipe tutorials. I love walking in to the room to find him laughing over its latest funny antics. (Side note here: As parents, we’re not always going to understand or appreciate the same sorts of things as our kids. That’s okay! We can still enjoy it through them, and appreciate their appreciation, and share in their excitement.) It always breaks my heart to hear a parent talk about their child’s interest as “stupid” or “a waste of time.” If they find it valuable, it’s valuable.

And finally,

6) A creative outlet to express themselves. You know those apps like Facebook, and Instagram, and Snapchat, and Musical.ly that so many people love to hate, and choose to fear? They can be amazing tools for expressing yourself, for interacting and sharing with your peers, and for staying connected with others in a fun, real-time, meaningful way. If I wasn’t able to follow my kids on social media, to see what they have to share, and how they choose to express themselves, I would be greatly missing out! It has allowed me to see and appreciate a whole new facet of their personalities that I might not have otherwise gotten to enjoy. It gives them an easy way to create. To communicate. To stretch their social muscles. The argument, of course, is that those apps are dangerous. And I mean, can they be used in harmful ways? Can they give them possible access to people with less than positive motives? Well sure. But that’s not unique to digital interaction! When I was in junior high, I was horribly bullied. I once had a group of girls chase me into the bathroom, where I hid in a stall, and they proceeded to lean over the walls and spit on me. I had no “block” button. And I wouldn’t have had the confidence and emotional fortitude to use it even if I did. My kids though? They have confidence and emotional fortitude in spades. And they possess this confidence in part because of apps like this, not in spite of them. The answer isn’t to live in fear and forbid these apps (because, let’s be real for a minute, if they want to use them they’re going to find a way.) And would you rather that decision be an acrimonious one, filled with resentment and secrecy? Or a transparent one, happy and respectful? The answer is open communication. If you’re worried about a particular app, ask your kids about it! Do they use it? Do they want to? How does it work? What do they hope to get out of it? My kids are always more than happy to talk to me about what they’re using. And because I know that 1) they have a healthy amount of self-respect and personal boundaries, 2) they’re skilled at navigating interactions in a healthy, constructive way (see point #4), and 3) that they would be comfortable coming to me if they ever did encounter a problem, I truly don’t worry. Instead I’m genuinely happy and grateful that they have so many fun ways to communicate and express themselves, and that they are so savvy in a world that didn’t even exist when I was their age.

____________________________________________________

The internet isn’t going anywhere. It’s something to embrace, to enjoy, and to learn to use responsibly. It’s not the boogeyman. It’s a valid and useful (and important!) tool, for both the present and the future. In the very wise words of my friend:

1 Comment

Filed under fears, hot topics, parenting, technology, unschooling

April 23, 2017 · 8:20 PM

9 Reasons I (Still) Refuse To Be The Meanest Mom

Someone recently asked me when I was going to stop writing about not being the “mean mom.” My answer? As long as people keep writing articles glorifying being mean, I’ll keep writing about the alternative.

This one, published by Scary Mommy, was the latest one to come across my desk, but there is no shortage of others. Be the mean mom, they tell us, not the nice mom. Not the cool mom. Not the friend. In reading this one for a second time, I see and understand that it was written in a sort of tongue-in-cheek, humorous style. And please understand, it’s not that I don’t have a good sense of humor. I do. (Ask my dog. He thinks I’m freaking hysterical.) I just don’t happen to find humor in disparaging kids, and in treating them as less than …. which is exactly what articles like this do.

The other side deserves to be heard. The other side needs to be heard. Here then are the author’s 9 reasons for being the mean mom, and my response from the other side.

1. I’m not your friend. Not even close.

I say: I will always be your friend… the best friend you could ever ask for. I’ve written about being friends with my kids again and again. And I’ll continue to do so. For me, it’s pretty simple. Friends are going to come and go, for a variety of reasons. But as parents, we have the unique opportunity to be the friend that’s always there. The trusted rock that our kids can count on… not just now, but for the rest of their lives. I will proudly, unabashedly, always be that friend for my kids. In fact I strongly believe that it’s one of my most important jobs when it comes to being a mother.

2. I’m not here to be cool. I’m here to raise cool kids.

This is one thing we may partially agree on. Anyone who ever accused me of trying to be cool wouldn’t get very far. I’m pretty much a big dork. I’m socially awkward, I trip over air, and I laugh way harder than I should at “That’s what she said” jokes. But I’m perfectly me, and I encourage my kids to be their own best selves too. It’s not a zero sum game, where I have to be “mean mom” in order for my kids to be raised right (or whatever version of “right” that society deems appropriate). I do my best to be kind, and respectful, and a person with integrity. And guess what? My kids are kind, and respectful, and people with integrity. Who cares about cool?

3. Because nagging works.

Lots of things “work”, especially in the short term. But that doesn’t mean that anything that works is the best choice, or the kindest choice. Being a mom should be about the relationship. Nagging doesn’t tend to be a great thing for relationships, and rightly so. No one likes to be nagged. Bottom line: if I wouldn’t like it said – or done – to me, I don’t want to say or do it to my kids.

4. I married a cool dad.

I think this is meant to be a take on the antiquated good cop/bad cop paradigm, where one parent needs to be the soft one, and the other the “heavy.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. My kids have a cool mom and a cool dad (or, at least, uncool in equal measure). We are different, to be sure, because we are vastly different people. But good and bad? Nice and mean? Nope. We’re partners; both on the same team.

5. It just plain works.

Didn’t we already do this one? Sure, it works. Know what else works? Being nice.

6. It takes a village, except when the villagers are all too nice.

The author feels that a trip to the playground should carry with it a mandatory contract that reads, “If you see another kid being an asshole, don’t hesitate. Say something.” Gah. Again with the calling kids assholes. So here’s the thing: There seems to be a false dichotomy that states that there are exactly two ways for parenting (and by extension, society) to operate. 1) Parents are “mean”, children behave, and there is order and harmony in all the land. Or 2) Parents are too nice (ie: pushovers) children run wild, and chaos and bedlam reign supreme. But there are other options. Yup, sometimes it really does take a village. And yup, sometimes a trip to the playground does require intervention involving another child and/or another parent. I have been there. But I’ve never met a situation that couldn’t be at least a little more quickly diffused, a little more softened, a little more pleasant for all involved… by being nice. I don’t care who you are, young or old. God knows we could use a little more “nice.”

7. Kids will suck the nice right out of you. Let them.

We’re not born with a finite amount of “nice.” If we are treating our kids kindly from a genuine place of love and respect (and not, for example, from a misplaced sense of martyrdom or insecurity), we literally never run out of niceness. No one can suck it out of us. No one can take it away. In fact, it’s one of those emotional muscles that actually increases the more we use it. I’ve been a parent for over 20 years, and I still manage to be nice to my kids. I think I’ll even be able to be nice to them tomorrow. Crazy! (But true.) Even crazier? My kids are nice to me, too!

8. I refuse to raise little manipulators.

Oof. Listen, it’s not that I think kids are perfect (they’re human), and it’s not that I don’t think kids – past a certain age – can’t manipulate (again, they’re human). It’s just that 1) being nice to your kids doesn’t turn them into manipulators; 2) being mean doesn’t preclude it – in fact I think it increases the odds exponentially; 3) children, like all of us, tend to behave as well as they are treated; and 4) calling kids manipulators (and brats and assholes etcera) is tired and uncool and contributing to the problem. Not solving it. Look at it this way: if someone was assuming the worst about you and calling you a name, would you be more or less likely to act pleasantly toward that person in the future?

9. Still want to be cool? Just wait until you’re the grandmother.

Nope, it’s not about being cool. Not even a little bit. It’s not about being liked. It’s not even about being nice. It’s about something far simpler. It’s about treating my kids the way I’d like to be treated. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t like it very much if an important person in my life measured their relational success against how mean they were to me.

In fact, I’d actually appreciate the opposite.

Save

8 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, rant, respect

January 20, 2017 · 12:01 PM

Today, I’m Sad

It’s not quite raining, but the sky is dark and the air is heavy with the dampness that comes right before the clouds open up. It’s not exactly morning anymore, but it’s not quite noon, which absolutely qualifies as far as I’m concerned. Three of the four kids are sleeping, and the only sound I hear is the clicking of my laptop keys. I’m drinking industrial strength coffee – one cup of regular coffee, three shots of espresso. It just felt right today – and I’m eating a snickerdoodle fresh from the oven, made at the extraordinarily talented hands of my 12 year old.

And I’m completely, and profoundly, sad.

I am not watching the inauguration, and I am doing my best to stay away from Facebook, but it’s still out there. It’s still real. It’s still happening, whether I’m okay with it or not.

And I’m sad.

I’m sad for my fellow women, for our immigrants, for people of color, for people of the LGBTQ community, for people who are poor, for people who are differently abled.

I’m sad for the people who have legitimate concerns about the future of their healthcare and of their access to needed medications and procedures.

I’m sad for the people who worry about the future of the legality of their marriage.

I’m sad for the parents who will live in fear of their transgender child not being safe at school.

I’m sad because so many of my fellow Christians seem to have mistaken Mark 12:31 (look it up) to mean: “Love your neighbor as long as he is a conservative Republican like you.” Over this past election season, I have felt many, many things from Trump’s Christian supporters. I have felt disdain, I have felt hate, I have felt mocking. But love? No, love’s not something I’ve felt.

I’m sad because I see gloating. Not humble acceptance, but honest to God gloating, even while people mourn.

I’m sad because your cheers today seek to erase the very real experiences of the people who are genuinely afraid of what this presidency is going to mean for them. People are legitimately afraid, and I can’t help but think if you understood that – if you really, truly let yourself understand it – that you wouldn’t be so quick to celebrate.

I’m sad because today you are celebrating a man who bragged about sexual assault… sexual assault that you so eagerly dismissed as “locker room talk.”

I’m sad because today you are celebrating a man who has spent the last several weeks feeling as though his time would be best spent not graciously accepting his win, or preparing for the very real job ahead, but behaving like a petulant toddler on Twitter.

I’m sad about the hypocrisy it takes to call people whiners and cry-babies for exercising their right to peacefully protest, in essence giving the finger to the very Constitution that you claim to so deeply want to uphold.

I’m sad because people keep wanting to tell me – and people like me – to sit down and shut up. Don’t whine. Don’t complain. Don’t FEEL.

I’m sad because people keep wanting to tell me – and people like me – not to stand with those who are suffering. Not to advocate for the rights of others. Not to peacefully protest that which we do not believe to be right, and true, and good.

I’m sad because the very same people who mightily complained about, mocked, and disparaged President Obama for eight years are now telling us to “accept it.” To be respectful. To support our new president.

I’m sad because people are telling me to deny the sadness. People are telling me to just think positively. To just be kind, to just adjust my attitude, to just love.

Sure.

Yes.

But not today. Not when so many are grieving. Not when so many people have actual cause to grieve.

The earth will keep spinning, to be sure (although what that is going to look like for many Americans is very much up for debate), and tomorrow I’m going to get up, and I’m going to put two feet on the floor, and I’m going to go about the business of living my life.

But today?

Today, I’m sad.

2 Comments

Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized

December 11, 2016 · 12:04 PM

I’m Loving My Kids And Calling It Kindness

present

Every year at Christmas time, there’s a sudden rush to share articles warning us about “spoiling” our kids.

Don’t get them everything they’re asking for!

Don’t give into their whims!

Don’t SPOIL them!

This one particular piece (titled We’re Killing Our Kids and Calling It Love) that recently came through my news feed brought a dire and overwrought prediction of killing our children through our generosity. We’re too concerned with our children being happy, she tells us. So we’re spoiling them, and in turn we’re harming their character. But wait, is it really so wrong to want to our children to be happy?

According to this author it is.

Isn’t that what we’re after? Happy children?

I hope not.

The measuring stick of successful parenting is definitely not happy children. Well-adjusted, responsible, kind, and selfless? Absolutely. Happy and spoiled? No way.

Later on, she says:

The truth is that giving them everything they want and ask for is the opposite of showing them love. It’s showing them that they’re the center of the universe, and it’s teaching them that the purpose of their lives is fulfillment of their material desires.

Here’s the thing. The article is making two rather large and erroneous assumptions. The first is that parents who are generous with their children believe that “things” will buy their child’s happiness, and the second is that spoiling occurs when children are given too much.

Neither of these are true.

To start, happy and spoiled are oxymorons. A child who is genuinely happy cannot be spoiled, and a child who is genuinely spoiled cannot be happy. True spoiling occurs not when a child is given too much, but when a child is given too little … No, not too little material things, but too little love, too little attention, and too little connection. The problem isn’t “stuff”: the problem is an unhealthy base relationship. The problem is that the child is not being shown and modeled generosity, or kindness, or respect. The problem is a lack of a human connection, or an emphasis of stuff in place of relationship.

Giving of ourselves, sharing abundance, and showing our children generosity is not synonymous with “spoiling”. In fact, you know what happens when you show your kids kindness? They become adults who are kind. You know what happens when you show your kids generosity? They become adults who are generous.

Giving of ourselves as parents is what we should be doing. We’re hard-wired to selflessly give to those we love. I see it as my job as a parent (and for that matter, as a conscientious human being) to give more. Not less.

More generosity. Not less.

More time. More attention. More kindness.

And yes, when we can, more of those material things that make their life more comfortable, or colorful, or enjoyable. I do want to raise children that are happy. I want to raise children that are “well-adjusted, responsible, kind, and selfless.” Of course. I also want to raise children that know how good it feels to give to the people we love. I want to raise children that understand that when we give to others it creates more abundance, not less. I want to raise children that understand that while yes, material things aren’t what make the world go round, that they don’t have to carry any sort of guilt for enjoying them. (She says as she sips on her overpriced coffee and types away on her laptop on her high speed wifi) We all have and appreciate certain material things, and to justify our own baubles but purposely deny our children – in an effort to teach some sort of lesson – is inconsistent, hypocritical, and counterproductive.

Giving to our children… truly giving, from the heart… does not spoil them.

Truly “spoiling” a child requires a relationship that is insincere, shallow, and detached.

A relationship in which a child is treated with kindness and generosity is very much the opposite.

Save

2 Comments

Filed under hot topics, parenting, Uncategorized

November 16, 2016 · 6:44 PM

Yes, I’m Upset, and No, I Won’t Shut Up

buffaloridge

I climbed my mountain yesterday (I don’t actually own a mountain, but I like to think of it as mine). I climbed my mountain in an attempt to get climb away – or perhaps climb towards – the heavy shadow that’s been hanging over my mind and my heart since November 8th. Like an itch I couldn’t reach, it sat there. Heavy, suffocating, distracting, and if I’m being honest, as annoying as all hell.

I didn’t want to write about it, and really, what could I say that hadn’t already been far more eloquently said by better writers than myself?

Except…

Yesterday I was pissed off. Pissed off because people keep wanting to tell me – and others like me – to shut up and sit down.

Oh you crybaby liberals. Get over it already. Quit your whining and complaining. So your candidate lost. Trump is the president now. Show some respect, grow up, and move on. (*language cleaned up to keep this family friendly)

Well since I’m not going to shut up: Let me start by saying I am NOT upset that my candidate lost. To be honest, I didn’t feel like I really had a candidate. I’m upset by what won, and there’s a big difference.

I’m upset by what this could mean for minorities, and women, and members of the LGBT community, and lower income families.

I’m upset because you elected a person who’s shown himself, time and time again, to spew hatred, and bigotry, and disregard for anyone who is not a straight, white, middle-class, Christian male.

I’m upset because you elected a person who bragged about sexual assault.

I’m upset because America just took a giant step backwards.

I’m upset because the very same people who are calling for unity, and working together, just voted for one of the most divisive leaders America has ever known.

And listen. Emotions are high, and I get that. Republicans are feeling defensive, and I get that too. People feel that they are getting called racist and homophobic and misogynistic because of their vote. For the record, I’ve never called a voter any of the above. I don’t know you. I don’t think you’re racist. I don’t think you’re homophobic. As someone who very acutely feels the frustration of being negatively piled into one ugly yet neatly labeled box, it’d be highly hypocritical of me. You’re entitled to how you feel though. We’re all entitled to how we feel.

But here’s the thing. And I mean this with the highest amount of respect I can muster: This is not about you. It’s not about me either. Rather, it’s about all of us.

Because Trump? Trump IS all those things that his voters don’t want to be called. And no, it’s not because that’s what the media told me to think. And no, it’s not because I’ve been wooed by negative buzz words. (Seriously, this is insulting.) It’s because of actual words that have come out of his own mouth. Say what you want about him, but the man has never been shy about showing us who he truly is.

I saw a meme the other day blasting people for being afraid. What are you afraid of?, it asked. What can he possibly do to you?

People are afraid because they’ve been the one in four women who’s been assaulted (and/or they’ve been every women who’s ever been catcalled, or sexually harassed, or intimidated, or spoken to in an unwanted sexual way – which is every woman) They’re afraid because America has just decided that that behavior is something that can be excused. That that behavior is not a deal-breaker.

People are afraid that they’ll no longer be able to get their needed medication, and needed medical care.

People are afraid that they’ll start to lose their rights. People are afraid that they’ll see a rise in mistreatment, and slurs, and outright attacks because of the color of their skin, or because of who they love, or because of who they worship.

People are afraid because Trump’s voters are so busy defending themselves that they’re not standing up against everything that is wrong with his candidacy. That they’re not standing up against his running mate, who’s a big proponent of the cruel and dangerous and damaging conversion therapy. That they’re not standing up against his newly appointed chief policy advisor, Stephen Bannon, a known white supremacist.

People are afraid because bigotry won.

And this man that America has elected as president is now the example. Let’s make fun of someone’s disability! Let’s call Mexicans rapists! Let’s brag about grabbing women by the p*ssy! Hey kids, this is fun!

In Trump’s world, bigotry is the norm.

Do I think that otherwise good and decent citizens are suddenly going to become horrible people under his reign? Of course not. But I do think that there are absolutely people that are going to feel emboldened by his precedent. I do think that there will be people who will now act on their previously private biases. I do think that he has – inadvertently or not – made them feel as though they now have a license to do so.

He has told us it’s acceptable. He has told us it’s okay.

And that’s what scares me. That should scare you too. That should scare all of us.

Because all the unity talk in the world isn’t going to change the fact that this man, this man who harbors such outward contempt for… well, for pretty much everyone… is now going to hold the highest elected office in the United States.

Yes, that scares me. And no, I won’t be shushed into compliance. Not this time. Not about this.

Finally, to the people who are saying, “You should stick to writing about parenting,”: I’m pretty sure I’ve already invoked my, “It’s my blog and I can write about what I want” once this year, so I’ll just say this:

This is VERY MUCH a parenting issue. I want, more than anything else, for my kids to grow up in a world that is gentle and kind. Where people are respectful and loving to one another… no matter who they are, no matter the color of their skin, no matter how much money they have, no matter who they love, no matter who they worship.

And absolutely, that starts with me. That starts with us. In my own home, within these four walls, their life will be peaceful. It will be gentle. It will be loving, and it will be kind.

But outside our own closed doors? There’s a different reality. There’s a reality in which the new President elect is making a mockery of all of the above. The highest position in the country just went to someone who bragged about sexually assaulting women, and is vehemently defended by people who want to point fingers at the crybaby liberals who Just. Won’t. Let. It. Go.

I’ve dated the teenage version of Donald Trump, and the idea that he now runs the country is … unreal. I keep trying to wrap my head around it, keep trying to make sense of it, but there is no sense to be made. This is reality. A reality I never imagined would come to fruition, but reality nonetheless.

I will get over it of course, in my own time, and my own way. But for the time being:

Yes, it does scare me. It does anger me. More than anything though, right now, at this moment, it mostly makes me profoundly sad.

Save

6 Comments

Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized

November 2, 2016 · 4:20 PM

My Daughter Doesn’t Dress For You

Halloween 2016

My daughter is eight at the time of this writing. Her wardrobe, besides being fabulous, can best be described as eclectic. It’s a dress one day, followed by running shorts and a tank top the next, followed by an ever changing mix of leggings and long tops, and swishy shorts and boots, and skirts with knee-high socks, and other various combinations that I haven’t even imagined until I’ve seen her put them together. Last week she wore one of her dad’s t-shirts as a big boxy dress, and believe you me, she rocked it.

One thing she does not do is dress for me. Or for her father. Or for her peers. Or for boys. She dresses for herself, in whatever way makes her feel comfortable and confident and best able to take on the world as her own wonderfully weird and perfectly imperfect self. My wish for her is that that always continues, whether she’s eight or twenty eight.

To insist otherwise is to give in to rape culture, and to an increasingly misogynistic society that tells us that 1) girls are nothing more than sexual objects, and 2) boys are nothing more than walking penises, slaves to their animalistic urges. It is always amazes me each time that I again realize how equally disparaging this view is to both genders. Can we give ourselves a little more credit?

Women are more than the clothes they wear.

Men are more than hormonally-driven hunters, always on the lookout for the next thing they might want to have sex with.

Which is why articles like this one, by Shelly Wildman, are so concerning. Titled How Your Daughter Dresses Matters, she explains why as parents we need to be vigilant in ensuring that our daughters are dressed modestly (which sounds pretty difficult, since she estimates that 80% of what we see in stores is inappropriate.)

From the article, in response to a WSJ online article with a quote that said, “We wouldn’t dream of dropping our daughters off at college and saying: ‘Study hard and floss every night, honey—and for heaven’s sake, get laid!’ But that’s essentially what we’re saying by allowing them to dress the way they do while they’re still living under our own roofs.”:

Think about that. If, as mothers (or fathers!), we’re encouraging our daughters to dress inappropriately, that’s basically what we’re saying. At the very least we’re saying, “Here’s my daughter. She’s on display. Take a good, long, hard look at her.”

And a few lines later, in describing what the author says to the junior high girls she works with:

Dressing a certain way attracts a certain kind of guy. I doubt very seriously that the kind of guy you want to attract is the kind of guy you’re dressing for when you dress like that. Besides, you are above that. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. So dress for the guy you deserve.

Oof.

First of all, thinking of your daughter in terms of her hypothetical sex life is gross and inappropriate, to say the least. I don’t care what she’s wearing or not wearing. Second, if a parent is equating a specifically dressed daughter with an object on display… the problem lies within the parent. This is going to sound harsh, but that excerpt literally filled me with revulsion.

Our children are not our possessions to display, nor are they puppets with which to act out our own ideals about what is and is not “appropriate” when it comes to attire. They’re humans.

As for the “encouraging our daughters to dress inappropriately”, there is a very big difference between respecting autonomy and encouraging inappropriateness. And who decides what’s “inappropriate” anyway? You? Me? The church elders? “Appropriate” attire is completely subjective, and it’s both unrealistic and arrogant to think that we can define it for someone else. I would never encourage my daughter to dress in a way that feels inappropriate to her, or uncomfortable to her, or inauthentic to her.

What I will encourage? Self-respect. Self-love. Self-confidence. An intrinsic need to think, and act, and dress out of a deep respect for herself... not for me, not for you, and certainly not – as the second quote advises – to land the man of her dreams. Sorry (#notsorry) current eight year old boys who might one day want to date my daughter: She’s not going to dress for you.

She’s going to dress for herself.

And I can’t speak for the rest of the moms or daughters out there, but if my daughter does in fact choose to be in a relationship with a man: The man she deserves is one who doesn’t give a single wit about the clothes she’s wearing, and instead sees the person underneath.

Save

4 Comments

Filed under hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, rant

Category Archives: hot topics

Connect With Me

Archives