Category Archives: gentle parenting

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and ~~forcing~~ encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

November 1, 2011 · 2:04 PM

Surprises

This guest post is by my dear friend, and all around awesome person, Alice. Thanks so much, Alice, for letting me share your words!:

I’ve never really been a huge fan of surprises. Not that I dislike flowers for no reason, or surprise packages that come in the mail, but I’ve always felt that looking forward to something great was half the fun. So when I was pregnant with my 3 boys in 2004, 2006, and 2009, naturally my husband and I found out their genders at the ultrasounds. In January of 2011, 19 weeks pregnant with our fourth and final baby, we brought our 3 boys with us to the ultrasound, expecting to find out I was carrying our 4th boy, and thrilled with the prospect of a baby of either gender.

Have you ever been surprised speechless? How about surprised into a panic attack where it literally feels like time stops, as well as your heart?

When the ultrasound technician dropped the bombshell that I was carrying not one but two baby girls, there are no words to describe my range of emotions. But I am nothing if not a planner, and as I was already halfway through my pregnancy, I felt an urgency in preparing for two bitsy girls. Desperate for resources, I scoured the internet for tips, ideas, and been there done that suggestions on parenting twins. I read twin message boards, and everyone who knew someone with twins in real life told me all about it.

I had attachment parented all 3 of my boys. Co-sleeping, babywearing, nursing on demand and following their leads on just about everything felt natural to me, and judging by how happy and healthy my boys are, it worked out pretty well for them too. But the majority of what I was reading and hearing about twins was all about bottlefeeding, schedules, crying it out, and figuring out how to get that much-touted “me time.” And that led to yet another surprise – fear. I was scared.

Was it even possible to still be an attached parent with not just two newborns, but a 7, 5 and just turned 2 year old as well? Would I be forced to nurse the girls on a schedule? Would I get any sleep at all? And where would I sleep? We have a king sized bed, but my two year old was still sleeping in it with us.

I’m not going to keep you in suspense, so here’s the short answer: YES! Attachment parenting is not only possible with multiples, it’s a godsend. Every family will probably have slightly different solutions, but here is what works for us. Since we don’t even own a crib, and had no intention of buying one (or of separating the girls from each other), their room has a full size bed. One side has a rail, and the 3 of us sleep in there together. I nurse the girls on demand – sometimes they nurse together and sometimes they nurse alone. This nighttime arrangement has been such a blessing in so many ways. Anyone with more than one baby can tell you that the more children you have, the less one-on-one time you get with each. And although I hold my girls as much as possible, I’m simply unable to carry or wear them as much as I did my boys. But every night all night, I’m there with my girls. It’s best for them, and oh so healing and restorative for me. Any guilt I feel over not being as attached as I would like to be during the day dissipates each night as we lie together in the dark.

Over the 7 years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve amassed quite the collection of baby carriers. Slings, moby wrap, Storchenwiege, mei tais – and all of them have seen heavy use with the boys. They do sell baby carriers for twins, but none seemed especially comfortable or practical for mom or babies. Most of the twin moms online wore one baby on front and one on back, either in a moby wrap/mei tai combo, or 2 mei tais. Here’s the problem – those babies were all 6 months and up, and I just couldn’t find much about how to wear 2 newborns. And now I know why – it’s hard.

I was lucky enough to have my parents stay at my house to help for a really long time (6 weeks before the girls were born and almost a month after), so there was usually an extra set of arms for a snuggly newborn. But when there wasn’t, I found the best way to manage was to wear one baby in a sling and to carry the other baby face down lying on my left arm. I alternated which baby went in the sling so each got a chance to snuggle next to my heart. And my left arm? Let’s just say if you challenge me to an arm-wrestling match you’ll probably lose. That left arm is badass, all on its own.

When the girls were still very small, I wore them together in the moby wrap next to each other.

When they were old enough, right around 4 months, I was able to wear them in the mei tais, one on front and one on back.

But I’ll be honest – that is physically exhausting and I only do it if I really need to. I still prefer to wear one baby in the sling (on my hip now) and hold the other baby in that badass left arm. And it has gotten easier as the girls have gotten older – they like to be on the floor with a few toys, and are already mobile at 5 months. That presents new challenges, but my arms are free more often to do things with my boys again.

Here is the most important thing I can say to anyone wondering if they can attachment parent multiples: YOU. CAN. DO. IT.

It won’t always be easy but you don’t have to sacrifice the beautiful benefits of attachment parenting because you’re lucky enough to be blessed with more than one baby.

I am not a superhero. I am not gifted with limitless patience.

I am not doing anything that you yourself can’t do if you want it badly enough.

The hard days have been the hardest of my life. Long days where the babies, my 2 year old and I are all crying, me hardest of all. Days where there isn’t enough of me to go around, where I need 4 more arms and a truckload more patience. Days where the babies cry and my first thought is, “I am NOT breastfeeding again.”

But I do.

And as I look down at my little bitsy girls, who often hold hands while they nurse, I’m grateful that their need for nourishment forces me to slow down and hold them. Before I know it, they’ll be grown and the hard days of life with 5 small children will be just memories. I’m doing my best to make the memories happy ones, one moment at a time.

And you know, just maybe I’m a fan of surprises after all.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her etsy shop (www.etsy.com/shop/AlicesHandmadeCrafts).

38 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts

October 28, 2011 · 11:48 AM

The Black and White of Spanking

Yesterday morning, I was getting a bath ready for the three-year-old. As I was adjusting the temperature of the water, I tossed several of the countless bath toys that live in the tub over to the other end, so I could get to the plug. Tegan came up behind me, sounding extremely concerned. “Stop! Stop throwing those toys!” At first I thought she was afraid it was going to hurt them in some way.

“Oh it’s okay, they’re just foam,” I told her.

“But you should stop throwing them!”

“Why?”

“Because Daddy says we shouldn’t throw.” Ah, there it was. I’m not sure what the incident she was referring to entailed, but I’m very certain that he’d asked her to stop throwing only because there was risk of damage or impalement of some sort. We talked about throwing for a minute, but I’m not concerned. I fully trust that as she grows and matures she’ll learn the nuances about throwing. Throwing balls and frisbees and wadded up paper is okay. Throwing pillows and stuffed animals is usually okay. Throwing rocks is okay if they’re thrown in a river, but not if they’re thrown at someone’s head. Certain places lend themselves to throwing: playgrounds, parks, her own house. Others, not so much: Church, the library, a dentist’s office. The socially accepted norms about throwing are filled with shades of grey, so a blanket statement of “we shouldn’t throw,” would be neither appropriate nor truthful. Of course we can throw… but sometimes we shouldn’t.

Hitting, however, is not a grey area. It’s black and white.

Hitting is wrong. Forcefully striking another person is wrong. Striking someone smaller and weaker than you is especially wrong. There’s a reason that hitting someone can land you an assault charge. Being hit is hurtful, damaging, and violating… not just to a person’s body, but to their psyche as well. We should all be able to expect personal space and safety, as well as freedom from being harmed at someone else’s hand.

Don’t agree with me? Ask yourself if you’ve taught your own children that they shouldn’t hit. Ask yourself if you’d sit idly by while your child was striking a peer. Ask yourself if you wouldn’t immediately react if your six year old were hitting a one year old. Of course you would…. because you know hitting is wrong.

Per dictionary.com:

Hit: (verb) To deal a blow or stroke to

Spanking is hitting. That makes spanking wrong in and of itself, but I want to take it a step further. Not only is spanking hitting, it is hitting someone much, much smaller and physically weaker than ourselves. Say an average toddler is 25 pounds. His mother is at least a good five or six times his size, his father possibly eight times. If you’d intervene when your child were striking a smaller child (and you would), why on earth would an adult striking a child be in any way okay? It’s not.

A child depends on his parents, more than anyone else, to keep him nurtured, safe, and protected. How frightening and confusing it must be then, when he finds himself in trouble in some way (he’s angry or frustrated or made a mistake) His feelings are big and scary and overwhelming, and he’s then physically hurt at his parent’s hand on top of it: A hand that he expects to hold him, comfort him, protect him, love him. Not hurt him. Not only does it not help the situation, it exacerbates it. It takes the pair further from a loving, connected relationship, and deeper into one of fear and mistrust.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I’m a Christian! I’m commanded to spank! Spanking’s biblical!”, my answer to you is no, it’s not biblical. People use a few different justifications, but the (taken out of context) scripture most often used to propogate this misconception is this one:

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” Proverbs 13:24

The rod referred to in this scripture – as well as the other “rod” scriptures – is that used by shepherds of that time, which were used to guide and protect sheep, not hit them. And honestly, if you’re going to start pulling out old testament scriptures to justify your behaviors, then I hope you don’t ever braid your hair or wear jewelry or dresses or fancy clothes, because the old testament prohibits that too.

In any case, as Christians we are no longer supposed to be living under the old law but the new one that came with Jesus, which is one of love and freedom. I want to challenge you – seriously – to find me one scripture, any scripture, anywhere in the Bible, that even hints at the possibility that Jesus would remotely consider striking a child. If you can bring me that scripture, we can talk… otherwise there isn’t a conversation to be had. I don’t advocate against spanking in spite of being a Christian, I do so in part because of it… because to be a Christian is to aspire to be Christ-like. And Christ would never, ever, hit a child.

Finally, if you are here as a former spanker, whether the last time you spanked was last year or last week or five minutes ago, please know that you are absolutely welcome here, without judgment and without reproach. I can give you help, support and/or resources for taking another path. I have made parenting decisions that I would now make differently, to be sure, but spanking doesn’t happen to be one of them. So I do hope that you’ll share your story, because your testimony as someone who has walked through it is far more powerful than any that I could ever give.

And while it’s true that we can’t change the past, we can learn from it. We can heal from it. And we can make better choices, starting right now.

59 Comments

Filed under discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, spanking

October 21, 2011 · 6:07 PM

52 Ways to Have a “Time-In”

Anyone who regularly reads my blog, or knows me in person, will likely know that the girl and I have been experiencing some growing pains lately. Tegan is amazing, and sweet, and energetic, and funny. I thank God every day that I get to be her mom, just as I do with her brothers. And oh, the good days are very, very good….. and the not-as-good days can be, well, hard. I am learning things I never learned with my first three. In fact, there have been many times over the past three and a half years that I’ve honestly felt that I’m a first-time parent all over again. I have been challenged to be a better parent, and a more patient parent, more than ever before.

One thing I’ve discovered this time around is the importance of re-centering and re-connecting when things are getting squirrelly. When one or both of us are out-of-sorts, when she’s tired or frustrated or overwhelmed, when that moment comes when traditional parenting advice would have you doling out some form of “discipline”…. that is the point that I know it’s time to take a deep breath, a step back, and a moment for both of us to have a break from the situation together. Rather than removing HER from the predicament and/or the room, we change course and re-gather our bearings, together. A “time-in,” if you will.

Here are 52 different things that work for us. (Why 52? Because that’s the random number that came to my head when I started typing the title. And because, why not)

1. Get wet. Water is amazing at turning a mood around. Water in a sink, in the tub, from a hose, in a kiddie pool … it all works wonders. Is it raining? Go dance in it!!

2. Play some music. The kids and I are all in love with the free music sites like Groove Shark. Favorite songs, whether playing softly in the background, or cranked to high volume, are always a great pick-me-up.

3. Go outside. Or, if you’re already outside,

4. Go inside. Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery.

5. Take a field trip. It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy. My kids are thrilled to go to the Dollar Store. They also love going to places like PetSmart to look at the fish.

6. Dance. Tegan loves to dance. She doesn’t even need any music to dance to, but adding it to music makes it even more fun, especially when she does ballet to a rock song, or starts head-banging to a ballad.

7. Yell. Sometimes you have to let it out. Go outside, or better yet, to a secluded spot in the desert (or forest or wherever you live) and yell your little hearts out.

8. Throw something. A ball, a frisbee, a wadded up piece of paper, a rock in a river….

9. Bake something. “Can we make cookies?” is an oft-heard question around these parts. (The answer, of course, is yes.)

10. Grab a camera. The other day, Tegan was tired and grumpy, and agreed to lay down with me in my bed. I had my cell phone with me, and she was thrilled when I showed her the self-portrait feature. She was happy, and relaxed, and entertained for a good hour while we took pictures like these:

11. Watch a movie. Don’t forget the popcorn.

12. Clean something. It may sound weird, but sometimes a good sweeping, mopping, or scrubbing is fun and relaxing for both of us.

13. Play with your food. It is soothing and relaxing to run your hands through and play with dry rice or beans or a little flour. Not too long ago, I had some ground decaf coffee in the cabinet (which I don’t drink) so I spread it out on a cookie sheet, and the girl happily played, scooped and dumped to her heart’s content.

14. Yoga, meditation, or prayer. Or a little bit of all three…. whatever helps you and your child get calm and centered and connected.

15. Wii Fit. We use this a lot lately, and it’s a great way to move and have fun at the same time. If you don’t have Wii, any sort of jumping around and exercising works just as well.

16. Get your hands dirty. If you’re Tegan, get your whole body dirty.

17. Spend time with an animal. At the time of this writing, we have a dog, a rat, a tarantula, a fish, and 6 chickens. If you don’t have a pet, borrow time with someone else’s. My kids all love going to the grain store where we get our chicken feed, because they get to visit with rabbits, ferrets, baby chicks, and exotic reptiles.

18. Build something. Legoes and blocks are always fun, and if you’re feeling more adventurous grab some wood and some nails.

19. Play cards. We always have several decks – and partial decks – hanging around the house. Even the littlest kids like to just play with, sort, and fling cards. There’s Go Fish, War, and Crazy Eights. And there are a million tricks you can learn to amaze and inspire. Try this link for ideas.

20. jacksonpollock.org It’s just fun.

21. Color. Stay in the lines or not. Your choice.

22. Put on a costume. Wear it with pride.

23. Sidewalk chalk. We like to draw murals, make hopscotch boards and obstacle courses, and trace our bodies crime-scene style.

24. Drive. No need to have a destination. There’s always a whole new dynamic in the car.

25. Pull an old game from the closet. An old favorite, or the one you never want to play because it has a million pieces.

26. Do a puzzle. Don’t have a real-life one handy? Do one virtually.

27. Play in the laundry. Even the seven year old still loves it when I dump a clean basket of laundry on his head before I fold it.

28. Take something apart. My kids have taken apart everything from old VCRs to Playstations to lawn mowers.

29. Go to the library. We usually come home with dozens of books… but it’s always fun browsing and reading even if we don’t.

30. Do a science experiment. The boys have accumulated some really cool science kits and chemistry sets. But even good old baking soda and vinegar works in a pinch.

31. Have a carpet picnic. It’s a very well known fact that food tastes better when it’s eaten on a big blanket spread picnic style on the carpet. Watching the Oscars or the Super Bowl while you eat is optional.

32. Have a carpet nap. Because picnicking is tiring.

33. Look at pictures. Tegan especially loves it when I dig up pictures from my own childhood. The older, the better.

34. Call a friend. My first inclination when I’m having a rough day is to hole up in my own house, and not see, talk, or otherwise socialize with anyone else. But. Sometimes it is very helpful for me and the girl to be around a kind and trusted third party.

35. Read a book. Or two or seven. It’s kind of an obvious one, but I couldn’t leave it out. Get comfy on the couch and read, read, read.

36. Redecorate. Hang some new pictures, rearrange the room, or draw on the windows with window markers. We got an old children’s table and chairs for free, and the girl is sprucing it up herself.

37. Laugh. Watch a goofy movie, take turns telling corny jokes, or have a silly contest.

38. Tie yourself in knots. When I was little, my dad used to put one of his big flannel shirts on my sister and I. He’d button it all up, then wrap the arms behind our backs and tie them up. We’d laugh and laugh while we rolled around and tried to escape.

39. Blow bubbles. We’ve tried a lot of different fancy bubble blowers and gadgets, but I still think the plain old, inexpensive bottles and wands work the best. And they make the girl deliriously happy.

40. Make paper snowflakes. It’s always fun, no matter what time of year it is.

41. Replicate a favorite store-bought treat at home. The internet makes it really easy to make a knock-off of your favorite confection from Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Cinnabon, or whatever strikes your and your child’s fancy.

42. Playdough. We also like clay and modeling wax, anything we can squish and mold and shape with our hands.

43. Make an indoor tent. Chairs + big sheet or blankets = great hideaway for reading, coloring, snacking, or hanging out.

44. Do nothing. Seriously. Just sit, and breathe, and relax, and BE together.

45. Write a letter. Not an email (not that emails aren’t great, too) but a letter. On paper. Or draw a picture, or make up a little package of stickers or other goodies, and mail it to a child that you love.

46. Make a big, huge, list together. Or, if you already have one, pick something that you haven’t done, and do it.

47. Go for a walk. Stop and look at trees and rocks and leaves and sticks. Let your child lead.

48. Sew something. The kids love it when I have the sewing machine out, but good old needle and thread works too. For tiny fingers, lacing with big beads is always fun.

49. Shoot a Nerf gun. We have a LOT of Nerf guns laying around our house. I’m always surprised at what a stress reliever it is when I pick one up and shoot it. For the older boys, we also have bb guns and bows and arrows.

50. Massage. Even lots of babies enjoy massages (It’s a good idea to be versed in infant massage first) You can massage your toddler, or have her give YOU a massage. Tegan loves walking up and down my back while I lay on the floor. Win/win.

51. Let them cry. No, not in the leave them alone in a room, and make them cry-it-out way. But sometimes, a person just has to cry. There have been times when I’ve done absolutely everything I can possibly think of, and the girl is just so tired or frustrated or disappointed that she just needs a good cry. So I let her know I’m there, hold her if she wants me close, and I let her cry.

And finally,

52. Break the rules. We don’t really do rules in our house. We do principles, and they generally just apply to treating ourselves, and each other, with respect. But I know a lot of people do have rules, and rather than viewing those difficult days as a time to more strictly adhere to the rules, I think the opposite is in order. Let that be the one time you have cookies before dinner, or stay up past bedtime, or jump on the couch.

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

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Filed under about me, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

October 17, 2011 · 2:30 PM

The Problem with Easy

Parenting is hard. Let me just begin with that general statement. I don’t care if you’re a stay at home parent, or work outside the home, a single parent, a co-parent, a younger parent, or an older parent. Raising another human is hard work. It’s a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with no sick days and no days off. It’s hard, and anyone who tells you differently is either not doing a very good job, or lying.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that so much of conventional parenting advice seems to be aimed not at improving the life of the child, but at making things easier for the parent. Did you ever think about it? New moms are bombarded with information on how they should train their new child to sleep through the night … then Mom won’t have to get up with baby anymore, and she won’t be as tired. They’re given tips and fancy methods of ensuring their child is potty trained by 23 months, because they shouldn’t have to worry about fussing with diapers for a day more than 2 years. They’re advised to plan naps around their schedule, to put kids in a time-out when they “misbehave”, and to completely ignore them when they have a tantrum.

Here’s the thing: No one ever said that parenting is supposed to be convenient. It’s not. Good parenting is messy. It’s real. It’s hands-on. It’s in the middle of the night, and it’s in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

Yes, it would be easier if kids slept through the night from the get-go. But not only do very few babies naturally sleep through the night, they are not designed to do so. They have tiny bellies, and they get hungry frequently. They get lonely. They get they scared. They want the warmth and comfort of their mom. It’s our job to be there for them, to love and care for them …. day and night.

Yes, it would be easier not to change diapers for 3 years, but some children simply aren’t ready before then. It’s our job to be respectful of their needs, of their bodies, and of their individual time table.

Yes, it would be easier if we could plan our days around conveniently scheduled nap times and eating times and play times. But kids aren’t robots for us to program. They’re people. Just like us, they have their own internal mechanism telling them when they are hungry and when they are tired, and also like ours, it ebbs and flows with the changing seasons. It’s not our job to expect our kids to fit neatly into our own unchanged lives, but to remain flexible, and patient, and recognize that once we have children we need to change from a couple dynamic to a family dynamic… one in which every voice matters.

Yes, it would be easier to make a whole bunch of rules, to never have to worry about our children straying or getting hurt or getting themselves in trouble. But children need to play. They need freedom. They need parents who support them and cheer for them. Parents who help them when they need it, and give them space when they do not.

Yes, it would be easier not to deal with the tantrums and the difficult moments. It would be easier to lose our patience, to send the offending party to his or her room, and to dole out an arbitrary (and unnecessary) punishment. But doing so does not help your child OR you. It doesn’t help your relationship.

Being a mindful and conscious parent means doing just that: being there. It means being there, right there in the moment, and not taking the easy way out. It means counting to ten (or fifty or 172) so that you don’t respond in anger. It means getting down on your child’s level, and talking to him or her. It means being kind and empathetic. It means treating your child the way you yourself would like to be treated. (I don’t know about you, but I would not like to be ignored or banished to another room to when I was upset about something. I would want to be heard, and I would want to know that someone cared. ) It means apologizing when you screw up – because you will screw up – and it means standing up and being a parent even during the hard moments. The uncomfortable moments. The moments when you’re tired and cranky and oh so tempted to fall back on “easy.”

Being the kind of parent I want to be isn’t easy. It’s hard. Some days it’s very hard. But I don’t think something that important should be easy. It should take work, and commitment, and love, and heart, and a really good sense of humor. If you’re moving from an authoritarian style of parenting to one based on partnership I can’t tell you that there won’t be good days and bad days, and I can’t tell you that you won’t sometimes feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. But I can tell you – promise you even – that it will be worth it. Good relationships with your kids (or with anyone for that matter) are always worth it.

And that is so much better than easy.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

September 13, 2011 · 6:02 PM

Good Vibrations: Finding my Tribe

This past weekend we joined over one hundred unschooling families for the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. I don’t want to get too mushy and sentimental about it, but here’s the thing:

I don’t really fit in with most moms. Not moms from homeschool groups, not moms from little league, not moms from scouts, not moms from church. Sure, I’ve become reasonably adept at smiling and small talk and chit chat, but when the subject shifts (as it always inevitably does) to things like curriculums, limits, punishments, and coercive parenting in general, I’m met with a stark reminder. “Oh yeah, we’re different.”

Make no mistake… I like being different. I love the lifestyle we’ve chosen to live with our family, and I truly couldn’t imagine living any other way. I am so happy, and so filled with peace with the decisions we’ve made – and continue to make – when it comes to education, parenting, and just LIVING. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that at times it can be…. isolating… having an all but completely nonexistent local support team of people who “get it.”

Enter the unschooling conference.

And of course, the conference was lighthearted and fun. I mean, where else can you:

Go swimming
Make fairy wands and upcycled tutus
Carve sponges
Break boards
Play dress-up
Learn about nature drawing
Hula hoop
Have Nerf gun wars
Watch movies and listen to concerts by the pool, and
Take surfing lessons,

All in the same weekend?

There’s no denying that it was a great time. But it was more than that. It was like a breath of fresh air to be around so many unschoolers, to – even if just for a few days – not be the odd one out. To know that my three year old is welcomed anywhere that I am, to know that my seven year old will be taken seriously, and that my 11 and 14 year old won’t be asked what grade they’re in, or what their favorite subject is or whether or not they’re allowed to watch television or play video games. To see adults, teens, and kids of all ages playing and chatting and just enjoying each other’s company, as if it were the most natural and normal thing in the world (which, of course, it is)

Being an introvert who’s married to, well, an even bigger introvert, we’re not always so good at the mixing and mingling. We tended to do more hanging back and observing, while our unsocialized kids happily and easily made friends with everyone they came in contact with. But even from our “quietly taking everything in” stance (although, I feel compelled to make it known that I DID both break a board and hula hoop in front of a bunch of people, thankyouverymuch); even from that perspective, the amount of support and validation I received from everyone there was immense. I gained and learned so much just from seeing the examples of kindness and respect with which other parents treated their children, and with which they treated my children. And the parents I did get a chance to talk with? It was privilege, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Shortly before we left for home, I witnessed someone yelling at a child, and demanding that he get out of the pool. It thoroughly jarred me out of my conference bubble, and I suddenly realized that I’d just gone four whole days without hearing a parent yell (which is really pretty amazing when you consider that I was there with over 100 sets of parents, and I can barely make it through the grocery store without hearing at least one parent yell, or punish, or humiliate their child.) Disclaimer: This is not to say that unschoolers are perfect parents or that they don’t make mistakes or sometimes have bad days. It’s also not to say that there aren’t wonderful parents who don’t unschool. Of course there are. It’s just that being surrounded by so many many parents who are consciously choosing a path towards a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with their kids is a pretty powerful and invaluable thing. And, well, it DOES make me want to get mushy and sentimental.

Because those are my people. That is my tribe. And even though we’re back home now, scattered amongst the country once again… I’m going to hold on tight, and thank my lucky stars that thanks to the wonder of the internet, my tribe is still with me.

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August 12, 2011 · 1:11 PM

I peed on the potty, YAY!

(source)

Do you use a toilet?

I’m going to take a stab and say that if you’re reading this that 1) you do in fact use a toilet and that 2) you generally make it to the toilet in time, without anyone’s reminder or assistance (barring any illness or special circumstance).

Do you know when it was that you started using it? Do you know when your friends or coworkers or classmates started using it? Again, I’m going to take a stab and guess that you do not. Even if we *did* know, it’s not something we really talk about. (Well, wait. I do know a few adults who talk about bodily functions more than is normally considered socially acceptable… but that’s neither here nor there) It’s just a normal, biological, every-day sort of thing that every man, woman and child takes time out of his or her day to attend to. It’s of absolutely zero importance when you started doing it.

So here’s what I’m wondering:

Why, when we know that it’s something that everyone’s going to eventually do anyway, do parents make themselves, their child, and oftentimes everyone around them crazy over the process of potty training? Why act as though it’s some sort of contest? Why the pressure, the sticker charts, the rewards, the punishments, the rush? What on earth is the BIG RUSH?

I have four children. As of just a few days ago, all four of them use the toilet all day, every day. Like with anything else, it was an individual journey for each of them.

With #1, I think I got lucky… I didn’t really do anything that I’d now consider “right”, but I didn’t really do anything I’d consider wrong either. He easily made the transition when he was around 2.5

With #2, I bungled it six ways to Sunday. He simply wasn’t ready at the same age as my first. He passed three. He passed three and half. He adamantly refused to even try it. It stressed me out. I stressed HIM out. I tried many of the things I mentioned above (things I cringe to think about now): I cajoled, I bribed, I made sticker charts, I pressured. The more I pushed, the more he resisted. It wasn’t until he turned four that I finally asked myself, “What am I doing?” Was his being potty trained by a certain age (which wasn’t happening anyway) more important than our relationship, or more important than treating him with respect, or more important than allowing him his right to autonomy over something as personal as using the bathroom? I let go of the stress, released him of my pressure, and said what I should have said all along: He’ll do it when he’s ready. And very shortly after that, he did. I promised myself that if I was ever blessed with more kids, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. And true to my word, when #3 and #4 became toddlers, I remembered what I’d learned.

Everett’s been using the toilet for a good 4 or 5 years now, but since the girl is still new to whole pottying scene, I thought I’d share the intricate method that got her there while it was still fresh in my mind.

Ready?

1. I waited until she was ready.

2. …. that’s it. I waited until she was ready.

A few weeks ago, we forgot to buy diapers and we ran out (and when I say forgot, I mean we literally forgot, not a calculated, purposeful “forgot”) I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but they were such that we couldn’t run out and get her more diapers at the moment, so we told her she’d need to use the toilet. And she did, all day, without a problem. After that, she still wanted her diapers, but she started to use the toilet more and more. She was proud of herself; she told me how easy it was. She started wearing underwear just as often as diapers. This past Tuesday, we all went out to an amusement park. She was all dressed, wearing underwear, and I asked her if she wanted to change before we left (she’d never left the house without a diaper before) She told me no, and I told her to let us know if she had to use the bathroom when we were there. She used their bathroom like she’d been doing it all her life, and that was that.

She’s been in underwear ever since.

We bought her a new doll she’s been wanting in celebration… not in a “if you keep your underwear dry, we’ll buy you a baby” kind of way, but in the same way I’d bake cupcakes for my husband to celebrate a promotion, or any other life event that he’s proud of. She is proud, as it’s still a big deal to her. I’m celebrating that, and enjoying that, because I know it won’t last long. I know that it’ll just be a matter of time before she’s as blasé as the rest of us. (When was the last time you heard an adult proclaim, “I peed on the potty! Yay!”?)

As much as parents can stress about it when it comes to their toddlers, and conversely take it for granted when it comes to adults, it’s a milestone. One that she met easily and naturally in her own way in her own time, because she was given the space to do so.

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August 1, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Why I Don’t Pick My Battles

I recently received an email from someone looking for some gentle suggestions for her two year old, who’d been continually testing limits and responding to requests to do just about anything with a resounding, “no.” It is a question I get a lot, and believe me when I say:

I understand.

I do. It’s hard to be 2, 3, 4. Hard on the child, and by extension, hard on the parents as well. I don’t think any age has taught me more, inspired me more, and challenged me more than the toddler and preschool years. Those are the years that I most have to practice patience. Those are the years that I most need to count to ten (or 392) before responding to certain behavior. Those are the years that make me a better mother.

That’s nice, you’re thinking, but what do I do about it?

A big problem for the littlest kids is a sense of frustration at not having control over a world where so many decisions are made for them. A lot of people will advise that you “pick your battles”….. decide what areas in which you can give your child some freedom, and what areas in which you need to stand your ground. And for a long time, I would have told you the same thing. Seems like sensible advice, right?

But I don’t pick my battles anymore.

I don’t want to view any interaction with my children as a battle. A battle implies that it is me versus them, and that there will ultimately be a winner and a loser… I get my way this time, and they get their way next time. What I want instead is to find our way. I want my children to know that I am their partner, and that I am on their side. Is it just a matter of semantics? Maybe. But if my goal is to have a closer, more harmonious and connected relationship with my children, I can’t imagine that thinking of a word as acrimonious as “battle” will help me get there.

When I find that I’m going through a more difficult patch with any of my kids (and it happens sometimes, especially when they’re little) the first thing I try to do is to take a giant step backwards to look at the situation with a fair perspective. I focus on the child – and our relationship – rather than whatever the behavior is that I’m finding frustrating/annoying/hurtful. I know that when I’m uncharacteristically snapping at my kids, picking fights with my husband, or generally pissed off at the world, there’s a reason for it. Address the reason, and the issue will go away… address my behavior, and it’s only going to tick me off more. Why would we think kids would be any different? If it was in fact me with the “bad behavior” I would want someone to listen to me, and empathize with me. I would want someone to sincerely ask, “What can I do to help?”

I want to be that person for my kids.

So often with my three year old the problem is one of two things: either she’s not feeling connected to me, or she’s feeling frustrated from a lack of autonomy. Maybe I’ve been too wrapped up in other things. Maybe I’ve gotten complacent and have been giving her too many knee-jerk responses. Maybe I just haven’t been there the way that I should. So rather than “pick my battles” I do very nearly the opposite:

I get re-connected. I renew my commitment to being as present as I possibly can. I make our relationship (not my desire to have things done a certain way) the top priority. I say yes. When I remain open, flexible, and creative, I can meet her needs and mine, without ever resorting to a battle.

She doesn’t want me to comb her hair? No problem. We’ll do it another time, with lots of conditioner and lots of laughs while she plays in the tub.

She doesn’t want to put on her shoes? She doesn’t have to. I’ll bring them along, and put them in the car so she has them when she needs them.

She doesn’t want to sit at the table at dinner time? That’s very normal for a three year old. We can make her a monkey platter, and she can eat from it when she’s hungry.

She wants to wear rain boots, tights, a tutu, and her brother’s t-shirt… all on top of a Spiderman costume? Her choice to make.

And when those times come when I truly do have to say ‘no’? She accepts it, because she knows that what matters to me most is not blind compliance, but her. She knows that I will always strive to meet her needs, to listen to her wants, and to HEAR what she has to say. Which, after all, is all she really wanted in the first place.

Isn’t that what all of us want?

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July 25, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Your kids are communicating with you, not manipulating you

“Kids always know how to manipulate their parents.”

I heard someone say that just a couple of days ago. The topic of conversation was tantrums, and it was one that was going on right beside me, but one that I wasn’t a part of. The general gist was this: Kids have tantrums to play their parents.

I disagree.

I see a tantrum and I see a child trying to communicate. (By the way, I really don’t like the word “tantrum” but I use it for the sake of this post because it’s a common and fairly universal term. We can all hear the word tantrum and envision essentially the same thing.)

We just spent three weeks driving across the country and spending time around a lot of different people. I witnessed many tantrums, by children and adults alike. The difference is, the adults weren’t put into timeout, or held against their will, or punished, or ignored. With other adults, we generally take it for what it is: an expressed moment of frustration. One would hope that adults could always communicate their feelings kindly and patiently, without resorting to what we’d classify as a tantrum. But the fact is, we’re human. We get stressed, frustrated, angry, and disappointed. Sometimes the heat of the moment gets the better of us. Sometimes we whine. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we stomp and we huff and we skulk about. Yes, sometimes we’re the adult counterpart of the disappointed and crying toddler who was just told that she couldn’t get the doll she wanted in the toy store. Do we know that there are probably more effective ways of dealing with our emotions? Of course! But we’re human.

So sometimes, despite our best intentions, we have tantrums. Sometimes it’s just plain hard not to. How much harder it must be then for a 3 or a 5 or a 7 year old? For a child who doesn’t have our life experience, or maturity, or language skills? For a child who for some reason is not only expected to behave as well as a grownup, but somehow behave BETTER than a grownup?

Conventional parenting advice would have us believe that children should essentially be seen but not heard. They should be quiet and docile, obedient and submissive at all times. If they happen to have a strong emotion, they should suppress it, or at the very least express it only in a way that is convenient and comfortable and pleasing to us as their parents. They should be less than human.

We hear things like how we need to stop it immediately, to “nip it in the bud” so it doesn’t become a bigger problem later on. To ignore it, and to ignore the child. We’re told we must never give in. They’re trying to manipulate us! They’re playing us! We must stop it!

I’d like to suggest something else entirely.

A tantrum is a way of communicating. It’s an expression of an emotion, a feeling, or a need. Your in-the-throes-of-a-tantrum child is not trying to manipulate you. He is trying to tell you something. And based on the deliverance, it’s most likely something pretty darn important! When an infant is crying because he has a soiled diaper, we recognize that it is legitimate need, and we attend to it. When an adult friend is crying because she’s had a bitter argument with a family member, we understand that she’s having a hard time, and we listen. Why then, should it be any different for all the ages in between? Discomfort, sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger…. these are normal, universal, human emotions. A child having a tantrum may be communicating any or all of the above, and she deserves to be heard. Many tantrums’ root cause is something even more basic: for example hunger, fatigue, or over-stimulation. Not only does hushing or punishing or ignoring do nothing to address the problem, but it also takes you further from a mutually respectful, and highly connected relationship… one in which no one feels they need to have a tantrum to get their needs met.

Kids will have tantrums. Sometimes kids will have lots of tantrums. And it’s not because they’re “bad”, or “naughty”, or “fresh”, or “playing” us…. but because they’re trying to tell us something.

It’s our job as parents to listen.

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June 17, 2011 · 6:30 AM

My Promise to My Children

I ignore a lot of traditional parenting adages that come through my Facebook news feed. But every so often, one pops up that I have a hard time ignoring. A few days ago, several friends had posted this as their status:

My promise to my children. I am not your friend. I am your mom. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do! Re-post if you are a parent and agree.♥

Really?

I’ve blogged in the past on my thoughts about being both parents and friends with your children, so I obviously wasn’t a fan right from the start of the quote. But it just got better as I read. Stalk? Flip out? Drive insane? Hunt you down like a bloodhound?

Am I a mom or a troubled suitor from a Lifetime TV Movie? And since when does making someone’s life a living nightmare equate to love?

Here’s my version, and my promise.

My promise to my children. I am your friend. I am your mom. I will protect you, listen to you, respect you, support you, be your strongest advocate & give you wings to fly when you are ready because I LOVE YOU. You will never find someone who loves, prays, and cares about you more than I do.

I’m not here to be the warden. I’m here to be the mom.

**Update: I’ve gotten several comments suggesting that it would have been even better if I’d changed that last sentence to “I hope you do find someone who loves, prays, and cares about you more than I do.” I absolutely agree! I think that’s what we should all want for our kids. 🙂 **

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