Category Archives: gentle parenting

July 18, 2012 · 5:00 AM

Gentle Goodnight – Interview and Giveaway

I recently had the chance to read the book, Gentle Goodnight, a lovely little book (only 60 pages, so you can read it in one sitting) outlining the author’s method of nursing and dancing her babies gently to sleep.  I wanted to share it with all of you, because it’s something I would have loved to have read when I was a new mom, still figuring it all out!   No sleep training here….. just a loving, conscientious way to help your babies and toddlers get peacefully to sleep.  The book’s author, Lyssa Armenta, was kind enough to answer some questions for me.  She’s also giving away TWO copies of her book, so keep reading to find out how to enter.

1.  Parents like to hear from other parents.  How long have you been a mother / how many kids do you personally have, and what are their ages?

I have been a mother for 12 years now. My oldest son is Sterling who is 12, my daughter Samantha is 9 and my youngest son Spencer will be 5 next month.

 

2.  Tell us a little bit about what prompted you to write this book?

 

I wanted to share the Dancing Method I had been using almost non-stop since becoming a mom to get my own kids down for nap and bedtime. Gentle Goodnight can be used into toddlerhood if you are still nursing. My oldest was 2 and a half when he stopped, and my daughter and youngest son were both 3 and a half when we stopped. I felt I had a duty to not let this gentle sleep method stop with my kids. Every time I put them down and saw how peaceful they were, I was convinced it would help other new moms. My kids were each so different that I learned more tricks and things to include so I felt I was perfecting the Dancing Method with each one of them. To me, parenting is so much trial and error, and I felt I should share the finished product. This way, new moms do not need to make the errors and this will hopefully make their lives a little easier. Being a new mom is so overwhelming.   I felt so vulnerable with my first that I thought any method that gives them more confidence or helps them out in any way has to be a good thing.

 

3.  How is your book different from other books about sleep that are on the market?

 

This method meets your babies where they are at before nap or bedtime in terms of how awake and active they are, and then matches their energy level to be able to slowly bring it down to fall asleep. Every nap or bedtime can be different (activity-wise or mood-wise) and the songs can all be adjusted to start where your baby is at with the dancing intensity, volume, beat or rhythm…to get them to first start to relax and finally to sleep. This method also provides the benefits of exercise for mom. Most moms have no energy or time for exercise but this is multitasking at its best:  getting your baby to sleep, losing a few baby weight pounds, and the exercise is also stress-relieving for both of you.  It is not strenuous enough to effect milk supply, yet it is considered weight bearing exercise with the baby as the weight. This book doesn’t suggest things to try.  Instead, it gives you detailed instructions on how to prepare, how to do the Dancing Method, how to put the baby down, and things to take into consideration that could be keeping the baby awake.  Gentle Goodnight provides ways to overcome obstacles by giving many modifications you can make to meet the needs of your own unique little one. The last thing I want to mention is that this sleep method can be done anywhere, as long as you have a little music. From visits with friends or family to vacations, you will have confidence that your baby will still be able to enjoy his familiar routine of getting to sleep. This eliminates anxiety for mom and baby to be able to enjoy any outing.

 

4.  Some parents who see the phrase, “A proven sleep method” worry that this is just another controlling, “sleep-training” book, and/or that it employs some hidden crying-it-out.  How would you respond to those concerns?

 

It is a proven, loving, gentle sleep method that has been personally tested over 6000 times with a 99.99% success rate. I say that with confidence because I know this method works, but of course you can not say it will work for every baby.  No sleep method will work work for every baby. In the beginning of the book I have a Note From The Author saying that the book was specifically written for nursing, co-sleeping mothers for the purpose of not wasting anyone’s time or money.  I am trying to get the book in the hands of trusted sources such as Dr. Sears (who has a quote on the book’s cover) and The Path Less Taken who are publicly known to be against cry-it-out and controlled crying. This way they can share with their fans or readers who trust them already when they say that the book contains no cry-it-out or controlled crying. I am honestly trying to give moms an alternative, fun, quick, easy method to try to get their babies to sleep.  I understand the suspicions and I am willing to try to gain trust one mom at a time to help one baby at a time find a peaceful, gentle way to catch some zzzzzzzzzz’s.

 

5.   If you could give just one piece of advice to brand-new parents, what would it be?

 

Do whatever you can so that when your kids are grown and you think back that you have as little regret as possible in the way you raised them! I love the quote: “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”

 

You can read more about Lyssa and her book, as well as purchase a copy, at the Gentle Goodnight website.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Giveaway!

 

Lyssa is giving away two copies of her book (this is a soft-cover book, not an e-book)  to two readers who will be selected at random.  There are four chances to win.

 

1.  Leave a comment on this post, letting us know why you’d like to win the book

 

3.  Share the link to this post on Facebook

 

4.  Share the link to this post on Twitter
Please leave ONE comment telling me which ones you’ve done.    You’ll receive one entry for each method.  Be sure to leave your email address so we can contact you if you win!

 

 

Good luck, and thank you Lyssa!

 

This giveaway has now been closed.  Thanks for all who participated!  The winners are:

 

Lydia, and
Maria Wong

 

Congratulations!  Please send me a message with your mailing address so I can get it to Lyssa, and she can send out your books!

 

14 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle parenting, giveaways

July 8, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Wanting Leverage

A guest post by Sarah MacLaughlin, Award-winning Amazon Bestselling Author of What Not To Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children

I have come to understand that I am in the business of changing people’s minds. This is a tough business to be in—it is actually quite impossible to change someone’s mind. I’ve learned from experience that trying is never fruitful. Whether it’s an adult or a child, all I can do is offer information, attempt to broaden or shift a perspective, and then completely let go of the outcome. Ah yes, it is that last part that is so problematic.

Recently I realized: Doesn’t it make sense to take a look at where we have been before we decide where we’re going? It was American Philosopher George Santayana who said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” This is certainly true when it comes to the realm of parenting. As I said, minds change slowly, if at all. And I’ve recently lifted my head from the soup and noticed that not everyone is completely immersed in the ever-changing world of child-rearing philosophy.

I casually mentioned among coworkers that I was searching for the right fit in a preschool, one that did not ever use time-outs as a form of discipline. One kind-though-childless colleague did a verbal double-take.

“What do you mean? Why? What’s wrong with time-out?” she asked.

I have to admit I was more flustered in answering her than I would have liked, mostly because I feel annoyed that this control-based view of parenting is so accepted and pervasive. You can read some succinct opposition to time-out here: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html, here: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/ and here: http://rootparenting.org/child-timeouts-can-be-harmful/. I don’t really have anything new to say about why time-out is no good.

So time-outs are bad, yet this behavior has been frequently used over the past twenty or more years. This was considered a “step up” from spanking, right? This behavior is the evolution of raising children in our culture? This is progress?!It is true that I am frustrated. This lovely (yes, that is sarcasm) postcard went around Facebook last week:

This is the crux of the issue and the root of my frustration. Bullying is on the rise; that is a fact. I will entertain the idea that it could be because children are no longer beaten into fear and submission. Another view is that children have grown so disconnected from the adults in their world, and therefore disconnected from themselves, allowing them to view others as less-than-human. I’m inclined to go with the latter.

Children and youth do seem more disrespectful these days. I’ve seen proof in my branch of social work that serves at-risk youth, and I’ve had enough conversations with a friend who teaches 5th grade to hear third-party proof. This belief of the prevalence of more bullying by children is pretty valid. But I refuse to attribute it to not being able to hit children—which, by the way, is not even true. Spanking is perfectly legal in the U.S., not only in private homes, but still in many public schools as well.

If corporeal punishment is on the decline, this is a good thing. Brain research shows that humans are incapable of learning when they are afraid. Both hitting (physically-based) and time-out (emotionally-based) create an amygdala (fight or flight) response. Whether through pain or abandonment, both forms of punishment (and it is punishment) invoke fear and break connection, rather than build it.

And now the ultimate question: What the heck do you do instead? A friend stated recently, “I just don’t feel like I have any leverage.” This is why we need a complete paradigm shift in parenting. We need to put on a wholly new pair of glasses through which to view ourselves, our children, and the world. We shouldn’t need leverage. We are a tribal species. Connected, relationship-based parenting is what we actually need more of. Luckily science is showing that this is true.

Reframe your child’s behavior as asking for help, rather than acting out. See them as needing support instead of wanting their way. Aim to assist with growth rather that declaring right and wrong. Reevaluate your expectations and put the relationship first. This will automatically give you a different view—then figuring out what to do next won’t be so challenging.

Your thoughts and reflections on the topic?! I’d love to hear them.

(For a plethora of information, specific ideas, and tools; read more of Jennifer’s blog, follow mine, and also check out these great resources: Hand in Hand Parenting and Aha! Parenting)

Other Resources Mentioned in the Article

 

https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/

http://www.sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

 

Special Giveaway!

Please comment on this post about reconnecting with your children or issues about wanting leverage. Your comment enters you in the eBook Giveaway — to win an ebook copy of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, in the format of your choice: PDF, epub, or Kindle format. Sarah will be giving away one copy at each blog stop and will announce it on the comments of this post tomorrow. Be sure to leave your email so we can contact you in case you’re the winner!

Other stops and opportunities to win during this Blog Tour are listed on Sarah’s blog here: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html.

Also, you can enter at Sarah’s site for the Grand Prize Giveaway: a Kindle Touch. Winner will be announced at the end of the tour after July 15th. Go here to enter: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com/p/blog-tour.html


About The Author

Sarah MacLaughlin has worked with children and families for over twenty years. With a background in early childhood education, she has previously been both a preschool teacher and nanny. Sarah is currently a licensed social worker at The Opportunity Alliance in South Portland, Maine, and works as the resource coordinator in therapeutic foster care. She serves on the board of Birth Roots, and writes the “Parenting Toolbox” column for a local parenting newspaper, Parent & Family. Sarah teaches classes and workshops locally, and consults with families everywhere. She considers it her life’s work to to promote happy, well-adjusted people in the future by increasing awareness of how children are spoken to today. She is mom to a young son who gives her plenty of opportunities to take her own advice about What Not to Say. More information about Sarah and her work can be found at her site: http://www.saramaclaughlin.com and her blog: http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com.

 


14 Comments

Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, giveaways, guest posts, mindful parenting

July 4, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Is it Okay to Let Your Child Cry?

 

 

It was the first day of a new session of swimming lessons, and the girl next to my smiling daughter was screaming.  Not just crying, but screaming.  She was petrified, literally shaking from head to toe, calling out for her mother in between gasps.  When her mother approached her, I at first thought she was there to do what I would have done:  scoop her daughter up, hold her close, and tell her that she didn’t have to get in the water.  But what she did instead was clamp her hand over the girl’s mouth to muffle her cries.  She said something to her that I couldn’t make out, then went back to her chair on the deck.  The girl finished the class, screaming with the same intensity the entire time.

This happened two weeks ago, and I’ve thought of it frequently since.    And while it would be easy and convenient for me to blame the mother, the fact is it’s only partly her fault.  Her child’s whole life she’s likely been told – by everyone from pediatricians to the media to well-meaning friends and relatives – that it’s important for her baby to separate, that she shouldn’t be so dependent, that she needs to be strong, that letting her cry would ultimately be good for her.

That mom has been lied to.

We’ve all been lied to.

Have you ever heard someone say (or perhaps you’ve said it yourself) “Oh, it broke my heart to hear her cry, but…” or “I hated listening to his screams, but…” and then go on to tell you why it was so important that the swim class be completed, or that day camp be attended, or that dental cleaning be performed?  We have those gut feelings for a reason.  They’re there to tell us to listen.    As parents, we are biologically designed to respond to our children’s cries, not ignore them.  It doesn’t feel right to hear our children cry and not attend to them, because it’s not.   Yet somewhere along the way, someone decided that we should ignore our intuition, and ignore their cries.  And society bought it.  It’s the only way I can explain the fact that when I shared the story of the little girl in swim class, that while everyone agreed that the hand clamped over the mouth was not a nice thing to do, many didn’t seem to have an issue with a child screaming her way through the duration of the class.

“She’ll get used to it.”

“It’s a safety issue.  Learning to swim is important”

“Lots of kids cry in the beginning.”

That’s society talking.  And society lies.  ‘

Will she get used to it?  Maybe, maybe not.  But is taking that chance really worth the damage it’s doing to your relationship with your child, who now knows you won’t always be there when she cries?

Is it a safety issue;  must she really learn to swim?  If she’s going to be around pools, of course.  But there are other classes.  Other teachers.  Other methods.  There is the simple option of waiting a couple of months to try again (a couple of months can make a huge difference in the readiness level of a toddler!)  There is the option of helping her learn yourself, in her own time, in her own way.

Do lots of kids cry in the beginning?  Sadly, yes… something I can surely attest to after watching 4+ weeks of classes now.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  It happens because too many people have been conditioned to listen to a falsehood, to ignore their intuition, and to ignore their child’s cries.

What children need – what all of us need – is connection.  Compassion.  To feel like we are heard.  We do not need to be separated from our parents, the people who love us most, from the moment we are born.  We do not need to be banished to another room, forced to cry-it-out, “trained” to sleep through the night, ignored when we call for help.  To do so is to go against our very nature as caring, nurturing adults.  We are meant to respond to our children’s cries, not ignore them… whether they’re crying because they’re lonely, sad, hungry, or scared.  Whether they’re crying because they’re not ready for swim lessons, unsure about the dentist chair, not wanting to get their hair brushed, or suddenly fearful of their car seat.

But wait, wait, you’re thinking, isn’t it inconvenient to find a different swim class?  To brainstorm with the dentist, or to go to another one?  To get creative, or adjust your standards, when it comes to tangles?  To take the time to let your child regain his comfort in the car seat, even if it means staying at home for awhile?  Is it really that big a deal?  Yes, it really is that big a deal.  Your child is that big a deal.  Your relationship with your child is that big a deal.  And you know what?  Sometimes taking the time to listen to your child’s cries and coming up with a respectful solution is inconvenient.  But no one ever said parenting was supposed to be convenient.   And to be really blunt about it, what’s more important: your relationship with your child, or convenience?  It’s not a matter of “picking your battles” either.  You and your child are partners.  You’re on the same team.  Parenting should not be a battle.

Lastly, to get back to that title:  Is is ever okay to let your child cry?  Of course.  Just like their adult counterparts, sometimes children need to cry.   They’ll cry out of anger,  sadness, frustration, and disappointment.    Fear, exhaustion, pain, and overwhelm.  Sometimes our job as parents is to just be there, to listen, to hold them if they want to be held, and to let them cry if they need to cry.

To make sure they know – beyond any shadow of a doubt – that their needs are real and that we, as their parents, will respect them.

This post was written as part of a joint project called Listen To Our Babies, Heal Our Nation.   Be sure to visit our website to read more contributions from dozens of bloggers, parents, professionals, and concerned citizens.

 

45 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

June 2, 2012 · 6:35 PM

The Problem with Facebook Parenting

I’m disheartened.

I’ve been getting two diametrically opposed types of comments and messages lately.  The first is people pointing my attention to various articles, stories and posts about things that they know I’ll disagree with parenting-wise, and that they hope I’ll write about.  I appreciate that because 1) it’s humbling to think anyone would want my opinion about anything at all, and 2) if I’m going to write about parenting, I need to constantly keep up with what’s going on.  The other, people telling me that I’m focusing too much on negatives, and should just worry about my own family, is appreciated as well (if it’s done somewhat kindly)  because it keeps me balanced and in check.  No one wants to read a constant barrage of bitter diatribes, and I get that.

But I can’t keep quiet about this trend of parenting by humiliating your child on Facebook.  I can’t.  And what’s bothering me just as much as these stories themselves, is the number of people who don’t seem to see anything wrong with it.

Because there is something wrong with it.

You all saw the video of the dad shooting his daughter’s laptop.  Since then, it’s seemed to have spawned a dozen copycats.  There was the mom who edited her daughter’s profile picture with a big, red X over her mouth when she didn’t like the girl’s language, accompanied with the text, “I do not know how to keep my [mouth shut]. I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why.”   There was the dad who posted a picture of his son, crying, with a board around his neck that read, “I lied to my family.”  More recently, there was a mom who punished her (underage) daughter for posting a picture with alcohol in it by photographing her – again, crying- while holding a sign reading, “Since I want to post photos of me holding liquor I am obviously not ready for social media and will be taking a hiatus until I learn what I should + should not post. BYE-BYE.”  And many more in between.

(*I purposely did not provide the links, but they are unfortunately easily found through Google.*)

So what’s the problem?  Well, setting aside the obvious issue of hypocrisy… Since you can’t use the internet appropriately, I’ll model appropriate use for you by using it to shame and humiliate my offspring (??)… there is the both deeper and more basic matter of how we treat each other:

Purposely and publicly humiliating someone you love is not a nice thing to do.

Have you ever been really humiliated?  It’s not just embarrassment.  Humiliation hurts.  I remember once in high school, someone took a… compromising, I guess you’d say… photo of a classmate at a party, taped it to piece of paper with some biting commentary, and somehow got it behind the glass in the trophy display case.   By the time an administrator could come with a key, it had been seen and laughed at by half the school.  Another time, there was a school play, and there was one scene where the stage was occupied by a lone girl giving a monologue.  She was not a member of any of the “popular” cliques, and she was overweight… both of which made her an easy target for bullies.   The auditorium was silent as she paused between lines, and in the silence came a loud and projecting voice in the audience that shouted, “How Now, Brown Cow?”   Some people laughed, some were stunned with sympathy, and the girl ran off the stage in tears.

That’s humiliation.

In both of those cases, the one doing the humiliating was not a trusted friend but just another person in a sea of classmates.  The humiliation took place in front of 50, maybe 100, people.   How much worse would it feel to be humiliated by a parent who loves you, someone you’re supposed to be able to go to with your problems, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust?  How much worse would it feel to not only have it shared with your friends and family, but to have it broadcast to thousands, to tens of thousands, to tens of millions all across the internet?  To have it splashed about as though it were entertainment?  Do you think that this child is going to turn to their parent the next time they’re struggling with something?

No good can come to a relationship from such an incredible breach of trust.  Would it work in terms of changing the child’s behavior?  Possibly… although I’d argue that it’d be just as likely to backfire and actually increase the behavior in an act of rebellion.  And I don’t know about you, but I never want my kids to behave in a certain way just for the sake of behaving, or out of fear of what my next public punishment might be.   Whenever I’m faced with a question of how to proceed with my kids, I ask myself if my chosen course of action will bring us closer together or pull us further apart.  What matters to me most is our relationship, and the knowledge that when they do encounter a hurdle or a problem or a stumbling block or a mistake (and they will, because they’re human) that they’ll feel they can come to me, and that I’ll listen.

Before I get the cries of, “Who the hell are you to judge these families??  You don’t know what kind of problems they have.  You don’t know what goes on inside their house…”  That’s correct.  I don’t know.  I don’t pretend to know.  In fact, I have a lot of compassion for these families, because they’re obviously a) at a very desperate place in their parenting journey, or b) don’t know that there are alternatives… both of which are sad situations to be sure.  I once received an email from someone who was certain I was going to judge her, because she’d called the cops on one of her teenaged children who was abusing drugs.  And another who’d actually had to kick a child out of her house in order to keep peace within the home.  And here’s the thing:  I’ve never dealt with either of those issues.  I don’t know what that’s like, and I could never say with certainty how I would or would not handle it.

I will say this though:  there is a big difference between privately being a catalyst for help, for doing what you need to do to keep your children and/or family members safe;  and very publicly and purposely humiliating your child in the name of “discipline.”

Despite what this barrage of current stories might tell you, “parenting” over Facebook is not cool, it’s not funny, and it’s not helpful.    But more than any of the above, it’s just not nice.

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Filed under Facebook, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, hypocrisy, mindful parenting, parenting

May 31, 2012 · 6:45 AM

Parenting a Two Year Old

Thanks to Meegs of A New Day for today’s guest post!

Parenting is an ever evolving process. No one would claim that parenting your newborn is the same as parenting your infant is the same as parenting your toddler and beyond. Every parenting style changes, but I think that if you consider yourself an AP parent, then you are especially in-tuned to your need to evolve.

My personal parenting style has definitely had to change a lot since Gwen turned 2 years old, and the biggest change has had to be to my expectations. I always knew 2 would be rough – I’ve worked with kids before, and I’ve heard the horror stories – but it is so very different when it’s your own, and I didn’t expect it to be so tough for me. I consider myself a pretty patient individual, and its not that I thought I would be immune to the ups and downs of toddlerhood, but its always a bit of a surprise watching your basically sweet baby have her first toddler meltdown.

Gwen has so much she wants to say, so much she wants to do (on her own, of course: “I DO IT!”), and heaven help the person who gets in her way. I haven’t gotten to pick out her clothes in AGES, but now sometimes she gives me such a hard time about even the little tweaks to make her outfits weather-appropriate. Foods she loves she sometimes decides she
hates. She’ll have a complete breakdown if you tell her there are no more of [whatever snack is the magic snack that she decides she must have today]. She wants to open/close every door, and put on her own diaper, and pee on the toilet but only if she feels like it and not if she doesn’t and sometimes for 20 more minutes even though she did the actual peeing as soon as she sat down and…

The ages of 2 – 3 (and 12, 17, 20) are “straddling” ages. My little girl is caught between the toddlerhood she is shedding, and the childhood that lays beyond. From what I’ve heard, the dawning of that childhood (4 – 5) is pretty magical and wonderful. But this coming of age part… well, i know its as hard for her as it is for me. She wants to be able to tell me everything, but sometimes she just can’t find the words… or I can’t understand them. She wants to be able to do everything, but she’s not quite big enough to reach, or strong enough to carry, or…

And Mama has her good days and bad days too. Some days I can read her, feel the frustration building, and head it off at the pass. I can weather any anger and yelling with a calm determination, “I see you are angry. You take a minute and let me know when you are ready to try
again. We can do it together.” Other days she catches me off guard with every outburst and and I’m left wondering what happened. Some days it’s all I can do to grit through my teeth, “Enough. We Don’t Hit.” Some days I want to push the fast forward button up to 16x.
BUT she is also bright, and happy, and loving… grabbing your face to kiss both cheeks and your forehead. I don’t want to fast forward that part, and I hope she doesn’t grow out of it!

Here’s what I’m working on to have more of the calm days and less of the frustrated ones.

1) Age realistic expectations. At two, she is only emotionally able to handle so much. She’s still learning what appropriate reactions are and how her actions cause reactions. And you learn by trial and error.

2) Expectations that match with what I want for Gwen in the future. A friend once told me about a very trying morning with her spirited, energetic, intelligent daughter. She delivered her to daycare and asked the teacher, “How do I raise a daughter who is strong,
determined, independent, comfortable with her feelings and voices her
opinions, but who also listens and always does what I ask her to?!” The answer, of course, is that you don’t! But a few tiffs now, as we figure all this out together, is well worth it to foster the independence and determination that will serve her so well in the future.

3) Name the emotion, for both of our sakes! When Gwen is frustrated or sad, I say as much… “I see you are frustrated/mad/upset because of xyz…” I do it to help her figure out her emotions, but I do it to remind myself of them as well. Do I love crying because she wants something she can’t have? Nope. But I do know what its like to be overly tired after a long day and have something be extremely frustrating and almost too much to bare. Naming her emotion helps me put myself in her shoes.

4) Evaluate if I really need to distract/dissuade/say no. Gentle/AP parenting is not (contrary to what some media might have you believe) permissive parenting in the negative sense. But at the suggestion of a smart mama, I started looking at the why I didn’t want Gwen to do certain things. Is it because of a safety reason? Then stay the course! Is it because it will be a little messy and I don’t want to clean up? Hmm, there are times this is valid, but many when it’s not a great reason.

5) Teach respect by modeling respect. Gwen is an equal member of this family. Yes, her dad and I have the life experience, and as her parents we will ask her to defer to our judgement many a time. However, she deserves our respect as fully as we deserve hers. So we listen when she talks, we say excuse me and thank you and please, and we try to give our reasons/explain our actions when we do need her to defer to us. “Because I said so,” or “because I’m the mom,” are not explanations.

Here’s the thing, and I’m sure this will shock no one… I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do get overly frustrated, slip up and yell sometimes. That can be a learning time for us both though too, because when I catch myself, I excuse myself to calm down, then come back and apologize. No one is perfect, including this Mama, and I want my girl to know that. People make mistakes, and the fact that we can apologize, hug, and still love each other afterwards, just as much as we did before, well… I think that’s one of the best lessons I can give us all. Hopefully it is the one that will keep her coming to me when she makes her own mistakes.

When all is said and done, that’s what I want. A daughter who respects and loves me as much as I respect and love her (and treats others with respect as an extention), who talks to me and tells me the bad as readily as the good, who is kind-hearted and strong willed.

Two is tough, but the lifetime ahead of us is promising.
***

Meegs is an easy-going girl that loves tattoos, food, and the outdoors; but most especially her husband and daughter. She’s passionate about being greener, co-existing peacefully with animals/the environment, and LGBTQ rights. In her free time, she loves to read, go for long walks, cheer for the Eagles and the Flyers, cook, and spend time with her family and friends. A breastfeeding, babywearing, sometimes bedsharing mama, Meegs finds her online home at A New Day.

6 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

May 9, 2012 · 8:12 AM

Daydreams

Today’s guest post is from my friend, Alice, who last shared her story of her twin baby girls in Surprises. Thanks, Alice, for another beautiful and honest post.

When I daydreamed as a girl about having a family of my own, I can’t say I envisioned the choices I would eventually make.  There was no wistful sighing over a future homebirth, or longingly imagining how awesome it would be to homeschool.  But there’s one choice I imagined that did become my future; I always knew I wanted a large family.  But the reality of life with lots of small children?  Not part of the dream.  As our family grew, our views on parenting flexed and changed, and what we ended up choosing was the path of peaceful parenting. 

When you know how you want to parent – and I don’t mean the impossible ideal of never making mistakes, but in general the kind of parent you want to be – it’s discouraging to feel like you fall short.  There was a brief period in 2010 where not only had I found my parenting niche, but I was living it every day.  Radically unschooling and parenting peacefully in harmony with our 3 boys; our home was like a little utopia.  There was enough of me to go around, there was enough time in my day for my boys AND my husband AND myself.

I would read articles and blogs about gentle parenting, and what to do as alternatives to traditional authoritarian methods, and I would think, “Yup!  Got that down!”  My boys were 6, 4 and 1 year old; life was good.  So good, in fact, that we decided to add one more baby to our family.  Surprise!  We added two baby girls and became a family of 7.  And life was great – and it was hard, scary, frustrating and overwhelming.  Nowhere could I find help and advice for my situation.  It’s all well and good to redirect a toddler when you actually have free hands – what about when you’re sitting on the couch with a baby attached to each breast?  It’s fine to not get upset when said toddler dumps a whole box of baking soda on the steps when you have time to clean it up – but what about when you haven’t even cleaned up the last 3 messes, there’s no food in the house, and a mountain of dirty laundry is threatening to take over?

How in the world do you parent peacefully when you are so overwhelmed you just want to yell?

Oddly enough, I never found any articles with that title.  In my stress I found myself reverting to authoritarian parenting; setting arbitrary limits, losing my patience, and yelling.  Lots and lots of yelling.  I felt like a failure – not because I was yelling mean or abusive things (I wasn’t) but because that was not the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I knew how I wanted to parent, but I could no longer see how to do it.  I was barely making it day to day, going on little sleep.  Patience was a thing of the past.  Fun was an impossible dream.

With five kids 7 and under, I needed to find a way to implement peaceful parenting in a frequently less-than-peaceful environment.

My first step in stressful situations became choosing to give myself a timeout if I felt like yelling.  It’s important to know that this didn’t change what was happening around me; during my timeouts, sometimes the babies were crying.  Sometimes my toddler was crying.  Sometimes I was crying.  But in the 30 seconds, or 3 minutes, whatever I needed to get myself under control, I gave myself a talk and came up with a plan.  “Ok.  When I go back out there, I’m not going to yell.  I’m going to ignore the mess, and we’ll go play outside.”  Changing me and my attitude was frequently the key.  If I could keep my cool, we could get through whatever the problem was without someone melting down.

Next, I lowered my expectations.  A lot.  If we all made it through the day and everyone was safe and had their physical and emotional needs met – success!  Who cared if the house was a mess?  If I managed not to yell and lose my patience – victory!

Once I changed my attitude and my expectations, the next step was creating safe zones for everyone to coexist.  Baby gates became my new best friends.  With my 5 and 2 year olds hitting each other, and my 2 year old not grasping the need for being gentle with babies, this was critical.  I wasn’t punishing or banishing anyone, and I made sure the boys knew that.  But my most basic job is to keep all of my kids safe.  I gated off sections of the house, and knew that when my toddler was alone he was safe, and he couldn’t hurt anyone else.  I could sit in another room and safely nurse the babies, and even if everyone wasn’t thrilled with the arrangement, it was a temporary fix. 

On the absolute worst days, when I had to get out of the house, I would load all 5 kids into the car and drive for hours.  The boys would watch a movie, the girls would sleep, and I would breath and enjoy the peace.

The past year has been really long.  It’s contained a lot more yelling and crying (by all of us) than I would care to think about.  But there’s a lot that I’m proud of too.  I kept everyone safe and happy.  There were no trips to the ER, no injuries.  I didn’t yell hurtful or abusive things.  I didn’t spank anyone.  I always, always apologized when my parenting fell short, and each morning I chose to start over and try my best to parent in partnership.

I can see glimmers of the old utopia ahead.  The girls turn 1 on May 19th, my boys are 8, 6 and 3.  Our life has developed a smoother rhythm, and with my arms more often free I can finally be more proactive.  Our days once again have more laughter than yelling, more joy than frustration, and more peace than chaos.

And those daydreams I had as a girl about my beautiful and happy large family?

I’m living them.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog.  She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples.  In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her Etsy shop, Alice’s Handmade Crafts.

12 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, parenting

May 4, 2012 · 6:51 AM

Common Sense Parenting

I think sometimes as parents, we make things way more complicated than they need to be.   I read a blog post the other day that referred to the “moral gymnastics” involved in everything from the food we buy, to the way we diaper, to the decisions we make about school.  It’s a term that resonated with me, and if your emails and comments are any indication, it resonates with many of you as well.

I seem to write a lot about how I parent from the heart (because I do), and how I’ve never regretted any parental decision that’s been made by following my instinct (because I haven’t) but there’s another component that I regularly rely on.  A big one.

Common sense.  And it never steers me wrong.

I get some sort of … odd … objections every time I challenge the traditional, authoritarian, way of doing things.  Objections that often make me wonder if we’ve lost sight of our collective common senses altogether.  Whenever I write about parenting without punishments and coercion, I’m met with something that sounds like this:  “But, but, they need to learn to obey you!  They need to hear the word ‘no!’  What happens if they’re about to reach for a hot stove or run out into a crowded street?”  As if the assumption is that a gentle parent wouldn’t dream of intervening when their child was in harm’s way.  It’s a silly, silly argument.  Common sense (not to mention parental instinct) tells us to protect a child who is in imminent danger.  Common sense tells us that with a loving and attentive parent as their partner and guide, that kids will naturally learn not to play in traffic, and learn not to touch a hot burner, and learn not to stick a fork in an electrical outlet.  We can give children choices, autonomy, and freedom;  we can say YES as much as possible;  and we can still trust that with gentle and compassionate guidance, that they will learn to navigate their world both safely and confidently.  Common sense.

Another one I’ve heard a lot of, especially after my Spilled Milk post, is that if there is not some punitive measure taken when the child commits some infraction, that they will never learn to respect other people and/or their belongings.  Common sense tells us that children learn how to treat others by watching how we, as their parents, treat others.   Common sense tells us that when we demonstrate appropriate boundaries, that they will learn.  For the past couple of weeks, I’ve brought Tegan with me to Paxton’s Physical Therapy appointments for his ankle.  There are no separate rooms… just one big, open room, with a few beds, exercise equipment, mirrors, and a small waiting area with chairs.  On any given day, there are never less than three other patients being worked with.  Tegan is four, and it’s hard for four year olds to wait quietly.  She’ll busy herself for a short amount of time with games on my phone, and then she’ll start to get antsy and loud.  It’s normal for a four year old to get antsy and loud in a boring waiting area, but her needs to be four don’t supersede anyone else’s needs for a reasonably quiet and undisturbed session.  So outside we go, where she can be loud and, well.. four, and the Physical Therapy patients can concentrate on what they came for.  Common sense.

Recently, I posted about what I felt were the benefits of not placing arbitrary limits on the media that our children use.   I’ve written about limits before, on everything from bedtimes, to food, to media.  Naysayers immediately jump to extremes, but the fact is, no limits on bedtimes does not mean that the kids just stay up for 72 hours at a time.  No limits on food does not mean that they’re existing on a diet of Ring Dings and Ho Hos.  No limits on media does not mean that the 4 year old is playing a shoot-em-up game on the xbox, while the 8 year is watching Debbie Does Dallas in the other room.  Common sense tells us that when we make sleep a safe, happy, thing when the kids are little, that as they grow they will trust themselves, listen to their bodies, and have a healthy relationship with both rest and wakefulness.  Common sense tells us that when we fill our house with lots of good, whole, interesting foods;   when we don’t let food become a battle of wills, a punishment, or a reward;  when we let our children follow their own cues of hunger and thirst… that they will eat when they are hungry, stop when they are full, and appreciate food for both its nourishment and its enjoyment.  Common sense tells us that the most important consideration when it comes to what they are watching, playing, & listening to is not controlling our kids, but knowing our kids, listening to our kids, and maintaining an open line of communication with our kids.   Common sense tells us to watch things that may be frightening, confusing or disturbing to our young kids when they are asleep/not around, and it also tells us that they wouldn’t be interested in watching it anyway.  Common sense.

Finally, common sense tells us that children, like all people (common sense tells us that children are people, too) respond to – and learn from – kindness, empathy, and love.   NOT from coercion, shaming, and punishing… and certainly not from this current trend of public humiliation via the internet.

It’s not rocket science.  It’s just common sense.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, kids, learning, life, mindful parenting, parenting

April 13, 2012 · 9:14 AM

Positive Parenting in Action – Review & Giveaway

What we’re truly doing is going back to our heart – our humanity – to bring up our children in love, not fear.  ~ Rebecca Eanes & Laura Ling

Positive parenting is a concept that confuses a lot of people.  So ingrained is our society with the traditional, authoritarian style of parenting, people tend to assume that no punishments must surely equal no parenting.

The opposite is true.

Positive parenting is a highly responsive and attentive type of parenting, one in which our relationship with our children is paramount, and kids are guided (guided, not ignored) with love, respect, and kindness.  In short, positive parents treat their children they way they themselves would like to be treated.  The question that is on many people’s minds is, “But how do I do it?”

Positive Parenting in Action, a new ebook by Rebecca Eanes (owner and author of the Positive Parenting website, and the founder of the popular Facebook page, Positive Parenting:  Toddlers and Beyond) and Laura Ling, breaks it all down in a really lovely and encouraging way.   Instead of just offering up vague advice about what NOT to do, it instead gives the reader clear and loving examples on respectful ways to handle everything from tantrums to aggressive or dangerous behavior to sibling rivalry to potty learning.

Even with all of these examples (there are more than 50 pages worth of common scenarios), this is not a how-to book that a promises if you employ a specific method, your children will turn out a certain way.  In fact, as it says in the very beginning of the book, “Positive Parenting isn’t a method, but a philosophy – a way of seeing our children and our relationship with them.”  The common thread throughout all the parenting examples given is that connection with the child and maintaining a position of love and empathy are top priority.  All parent/child relationships are different, because all children are different. This book allows for that, while still holding the position that there is a always a way to respond with kindness and understanding rather than with anger or punishment.

I think what I loved most about this book is that it never once resorts to shaming parents into feeling like they’ve somehow failed, or like they’ve surely messed up their children by not doing things differently.  Instead it acts as both coach and cheerleader, offering both practical advice (and lots of it) as well as gentle encouragement to follow the innate, loving, Mama instinct that was there all along.

While it’s aimed at parents with children from ages 0 through 6, it feel it holds value for all parents wanting to learn more about the positive parenting philosophy…. from those with brand-new babies, to seasoned moms of four like myself.   I truly enjoyed this book, and gleaned much from its pages.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Want to a win free copy?  Just leave a comment telling me why you need to read this book.   Share the link to this post on Facebook and/or Twitter for up to two bonus entries (let me know which ones you’ve done.)  One lucky reader will be selected at random, and announced next Friday, April 20th.  Good luck!

Winner is Amy D!   Thanks everyone for participating!

Can’t wait to read it?  You can purchase a copy here.

16 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, giveaways

February 6, 2012 · 6:00 AM

The woman at the park

 

 

There was an incident at the park the other day.  I witnessed, and ultimately tried to stop, a sad display of hatred towards children.

I have written about unkindness I’ve seen in public before.  Two I can think of right off the bat were Natalie’s mother, and the old man at the grocery store.  In those two cases though, I was a silent observer.  Just another person in the crowd, watching what was unfolding, and not doing anything to stop it.  This time I was a participant.  Right there in the front lines as it were.  I voluntarily inserted myself into the situation, boldly hoping for…. well, I don’t know what I was hoping for.   I just knew I had to do it.

But I should start at the beginning.

It was a Friday, and most Fridays we’re at park day.  I say “most” Fridays because I often try to get out of it.  Not because I don’t have a good time (I do), and not because the other mothers aren’t wonderful (they are).  Just because I’m a homebody and an introvert, and the thought of socializing for hours with dozens of other people makes me… tired.  But this Friday, we were there.

The boys were all off with their friends clear across the park, playing football or frisbee, or whatever it is that they do.  Tegan (almost 4) had just run across the playground with our friend Hannah (11), settling in to play in one of her favorite spots:  the shady spot in the sand under the little kids’ playground.

 

They hadn’t been playing for long before Hannah came running back over to us, telling us that “an old lady had yelled at them,” and had told her and some other older kids that they had to leave the area because it was for younger kids only.  We looked over and saw the lady in question, a couple of preteens simply hanging out and chatting, a toddler happily undisturbed in his play, and Tegan, still quietly sitting in the sand.

We told her she was fine, and that there were no hard and fast rules about who could play where.  Besides, she was there with Tegan, clearly a “younger kid”, and was in essence acting as her caregiver.

A few minutes later, she came back to tell us that the lady had called them “stupid.”  Now, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.  Not because I didn’t trust Hannah’s word, but because I know that sometimes when you’re already feeling downtrodden that it’s easy to misinterpret.  Maybe the woman had used the word “stupid” but hadn’t actually directed at anyone in particular.

So I waited, and I watched.  Eventually the woman left the area to sit on a bench, and as more and more kids – of all ages – gathered to play on and around the equipment, she eyed them.  Oh how she eyed them!  Tegan wanted me to dig with her in the sand, in the middle of the playground, so I had a front row seat when the woman went from eying to acting.  She strode over to where the kids were playing, and just as Hannah had reported, ordered them to leave.  I couldn’t hear the entire conversation, but I could clearly hear her as she shouted, “You stupid kids!”

I got up and approached her.

(Let me stop here for a minute.   If you’ve read my blog for any length of time you know that I DO NOT LIKE confrontations.  Do not.  Even over the internet, I have to be pretty provoked, it gives me a stomach ache, and I stress about it for days.  So you can imagine my enthusiasm for the real-life variety)

But there I was, striding across the sand, feeling all Erin Brockovich.

“Excuse me,”  I said to her, interrupting her as she demanded that one of the little boys take her to his mother.  “I was just wondering why you’re calling these children stupid?”

“They are stupid!  They’re disrespectful little brats who are blatantly disregarding the law, and this legal notice for them to stay away from this equipment.”  She waved her arm at the sign in front of the playground.  “This is for little kids only.”

“M’aam, I really don’t think that sign is a law.  Those are just suggested ages.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT IT SAYS!”

 

I wanted to get the full story, I really did.    If they were truly doing something wrong, I wanted to know about it.  From what I could see, they’d simply been playing, until she harrassed them.  So I calmly asked, “Were they disrupting any little kids at all?  Getting in their way, hurting anyone?”

“No, but they’re hurting the equipment!!  It’s not designed for bigger kids.”

 

And she wasn’t done.  “And when I told them they needed to leave, these stupid kids did not respect me as an authority figure.   They have no respect for authority.”

“Well, to be honest with you, I would have a hard time respecting someone who was resorting to calling me stupid too.”

“I don’t have to show respect for children!!  We don’t have to respect children.   But they are supposed to show respect to adults no matter what!”

(Oh no she DID NOT just say that.  But sadly, she did.)

“Kids have just as much right to be treated with respect as – ”  she cut me off then, and started shaking her head.

“Go ahead, defend them, and they’ll grow up never respecting authority, never having any respect for anyone, thinking they can do whatever they want…..  Stupid disrespectful kids…”

“Well, maybe if you tried talking to them without name calling…”

She’d pretty much turned her back on me by then, shaking her head and scoffing, “Say what you want.   They’re disrespectful kids.  Black is black.”

Now –  in the interest of fairness – I have to say that somewhere in the middle of all of this, one child (out of the group of at least a dozen that had gathered around us)  had started arguing back with her, telling her to “shut up”, and at one point returning one of her “you’re stupid kids” with a “well, you’re old!”  Was that the right way to handle the situation?  Of course it wasn’t.  I’m not arguing that.  But was he provoked?  Absolutely.  And at what I’m guessing to be about 10, he lacks the maturity that one would hope the 60-something year old lady he was arguing with should have possessed.   And honestly, with her attitude and flat-out assertion that she doesn’t need to show respect for kids, I don’t blame him for his feelings.

I wish I could say that there was a tidy ending to my story, but there was not.  It just…. fizzled.  It ended with her turning away from me in a huff, realizing that I wasn’t going to stop defending the kids;  and me realizing that she was not going to stop calling them “stupid” long enough to listen to anything I had to say.  I ultimately told the kids to just let it go,  and that they’d maybe be better off playing elsewhere.  Ironically, park day was close to ending by then anyway, and moms were starting to gather up their kids to go home.

I walked away, my heart pounding in my chest, already thinking about what it was I’d actually accomplished.  In many ways, I hadn’t accomplished much of anything.  The woman clearly did not like children, and I’d done little to change her mind.

I wish she would’ve heard me. I wish I could have told her that when you realize that children are people, when you treat them with respect, when you treat them the way you wish to be treated, that they (just like their adult counterparts) will respond in kind.  How much differently it all would have turned out if she’d just talked to them instead of calling them names!

But what I had done – besides gaining the confidence that comes from doing something I would have been too afraid to do even a couple of years ago – was stand up for the kids.  Not by thinking about it, not by sitting behind my computer and writing about it, but by literally standing up, walking over there, looking that woman in the eye, and saying, “Hey, kids deserve respect too.”

I stood up for the kids, and I would do it again.

25 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, hypocrisy, kids, life, mindful parenting, parenting, respect

January 31, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Tough Love

 

I have been spending too much a little bit of spare time on Pinterest.  If you’re not familiar with it, it is essentially a virtual bulletin board, where you can create different boards for different things (recipes, vacation ideas, crafts…. whatever you’d like) and then “pin” the photos for various links you want to save.  You can share pins with others, browse what your friends are pinning,  and “like”, comment on, and re-pin others’ pins.   I’m a visual person, so I find the very concept incredibly fun and inspiring – all those annoying photos of people making heart shapes with their fingers notwithstanding.

A side effect of Pinterest though, is the visceral reaction I feel when I come across a parenting-related ‘pin’ that I disagree with.  It inevitably goes something like this:

HappyHappyHappy, PinPinPin, What?Oh.Yuck.  I finally decided to start saving these pins too, to inspire me in a different way, and to remind me of what I don’t want to do.  The most recent one was a photo of a handwritten note taped to what was presumably a front door, that read:

You have missed curfew!  Do not knock or ring the doorbell.  You may sleep on the patio.  I have been generous this time and provided a blanket.

Now, I don’t know the origin of this note.  Maybe it wasn’t real.  Maybe it was a joke.  Or maybe it was very real, and the person who wrote it thought it’d be funny to share it.

I’m not laughing.  I don’t think it’s funny when kids are mistreated.

What bothered me much more than the note though, was the sheer number of comments beneath it, praising its author for such exemplary parenting.   Since when did locking your child out of the house for the night become the harbinger of excellence in parenting?

I keep hearing that too many teens today are so disrespectful.  Bratty.  Entitled.  And you know what?  That well may be the case.  I wouldn’t know.  My teen, his 11 year old brother (who in many respects acts like a teen) and all their teenaged friends are delightful, pleasant people who I’m always happy to be around.  But for the sake of argument, I’ll say that the naysayers are right.  Teens today are more troubled than ever before.   If that were true, would it make any kind of logical sense to be anything but more compassionate, more available, and more engaged?   Would it not be more important than EVER to be there for them, to be their partner, to be that person – maybe the only person in their life – who takes them by the hand and says, “You know what, no matter what happens, I’m on your side.”   It seems to me that the teenaged years are a time to keep your relationship a top priority, not a time to actually further remove yourself from their lives (which, if you’re banishing them to the front porch is exactly what you’re doing… in a best-case scenario)

But he needs to be taught a lesson!  He needs to learn he can’t miss curfew!

I would argue that the curfew was unnecessary in the first place.    People with trusting relationships don’t need to place arbitrary limits on each other’s comings and goings.  But the curfew was there, and for whatever reason he missed it.  So what lesson might he learn from his parents’ actions?  For one thing, he’ll learn not to get caught next time.  He’ll learn not to trust his parents, and that his parents don’t trust him.  He’ll learn that being out with his friends feels like a safer, happier, more accepting place than being in his own home.  He’ll learn that when he goes through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life (and he will go through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life) that his parents will be the last people he can turn to for unconditional love, honest advice, and a supportive, sympathetic ear.

Being a teenager can be challenging at times, to be sure.  You’re trying to find your place in the world, you’re walking the fine precipice between childhood and adulthood, you’re pushing your own limits, and you’re figuring out how you want to navigate the life that’s unfolding around you.  In many ways, it’s not unlike the growing pains that my soon to be 4-year-old is experiencing, as she steps from babyhood to being a “big girl.”  Helping her, and my boys, as they transition to the next phase of their lives is teaching me to be even more present in their lives.  To be even more of a parent, a partner, and a friend.  To be more compassionate, to be more understanding, and to be more connected.

And I can’t very well do that if I’m locking them out of the house.

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Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, teens