Category Archives: gentle parenting

July 19, 2014 · 6:34 PM

We ALL Need Boundaries – some thoughts on my nanny response, one week later

“Nauseating.”

Nauseating. That’s one of the most recent comments I’ve read in response to my 5 (Alternative) Reasons post, which has since become my single most viewed, and most shared, post of all time. Truth be told, I’ve grown sort of fond of the one-word critiques. They’re succinct, to-the-point, and require no attention on my part. They rip right off like a band-aid. Plus, there’s just something exhausting (albeit mildly amusing) about reading the three paragraph diatribes expressing disgust and irritation and annoyance at the mere existence of my words.

That’s not to say that I didn’t receive positive comments as well. I did! I read many lovely and encouraging words of support, and I appreciated every single one of them. Sometimes I get bogged down in feelings of, “No one understands” (which tends to extend into, “I must be a horrible writer”), so hearing that someone both gets what I said, and even concurs with me is hugely validating. Thank you for that, truly.

Ah, but the critics abound.

And after a week of reading, and reflecting, and ruminating, I’ve recognized some honest objections that deserve some follow-up. In keeping with the spirit of the original post, I’ve organized them into five main categories. In no particular order:

1. You suck / I hate this / This is the worst piece of drivel I’ve ever read. Just kidding. Not about getting those comments, but about them deserving a response. Every time something I’ve written is shared more than a few times, sooner or later I get the above responses, nearly verbatim (I’ve filtered out the F – words. You’re welcome) And honestly, I can really only feel sorry for people who 1) feel so badly about themselves that they need to try to tear others down, and 2) have nothing better to do with their internet time than troll blogs that they hate. Also in this category are the people who made comments about gentle parenting producing “spoiled rotten little brats”, and sadly there were lots of them. The issue of spoiling is one to be discussed for sure… but not with people whose first line of defense is to resort to calling children names. I’d like to think we’re all adults here, and as such should be able to have conversations sans name-calling.

2. But kids need boundaries! I absolutely agree. Kids do need boundaries. We all need healthy boundaries, regardless of our age. Lovingly and respectfully helping our children establish and maintain their own personal boundaries is an important part of any kind of mindful parenting…. which is why I’ve never – in this post or any post – stated otherwise. The people who are raising this objection are reading something that simply isn’t there. One of the limitations of a blog post as a means of communication is that it’s just a snippet of a larger philosophy; not the whole picture. I would have to add about a jillion disclaimers to every post to head off this kind of assumption, and nobody wants to read that. So let me just state for the record, as clearly and plainly as I possibly can:

Gentle parenting does not mean that there are no boundaries. It does not mean that there are no limits.

It means that boundaries and limits are not something that are arbitrarily prescribed for the child through control, coercion, and punishment… but rather something that are navigated together, with respect, compassion, and mutual communication.

3. But kids need to hear the word no / they need to learn that life won’t always hand them everything they want! I have a thing for a good caprese salad. There’s a local pizza place down the street from us that has the BEST caprese appetizer. They serve it in a stack, and it’s drizzled with a balsamic reduction that is just about the most delicious thing I’ve ever had in my life. Seriously. My mouth’s watering just thinking about it. The last time we went there, we all sat down, ordered our drinks, and ordered the caprese…. only to be told that they’d run out, and would we be interested in some garlic bread or antipasto instead?

Life sometimes deals us a “no”, this much is true. From small things like appetizers, to larger things like desired jobs. And certainly, sometimes as parents, things such as circumstances, finances, or practicality dictate that we need to tell our children “no” as well. I’m not arguing that fact at all. But the thing is, it’s an inevitable fact that kids WILL learn about the “no’s” of life in time… and as for me, I would much rather my children view me as the person they can always trust with their disappointment when life hands down the “no”… and not the person who delivered an utterly unnecessary “no” just to teach them a lesson. They will learn about no’s! When I need – legitimately and genuinely need – to tell my children no, they understand. They may be disappointed (just as I was disappointed when I couldn’t have my salad) but they understand. And knowing that those times will and do come, I view my job as being their soft spot to fall when it happens, not as the person doling out more disappointment in order to “toughen them up”. The world makes us tough enough.

So yes, when it’s at all possible, I’m going to say, “YES”, with no disclaimers, and no apologies.

And while I’m on the subject of life and toughness: one person who disagreed with my post stated that she could never be as “soft” as me. She said it as an insult, and while there is clearly a difference between respectful and being “soft”, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that are much worse things to be called. The world is full of harshness. I can’t help but think that a little more softness – in ourselves and in our children both – could only be a positive thing.

4. To each his own / Everyone needs to do what works for them / There’s no right or wrong way to parent / We need to support each other, not judge each other

This is hands down one of the most frustrating things I ever hear in regards to parenting. YES, we need to support each other. YES, every family is going to look different. But complacency – especially when it comes to how someone is treated – is never going to help anybody. Not speaking out against harmful practices (yes, I’m calling some of the nanny’s recommendations harmful) is never going to help anybody. Not advocating for kindness and compassion is never going to help anybody. Children are far too often marginalized in this society, treated as “less than”, viewed as second-class citizens. And we do no one… not the children, and not their parents, who are arguably trying their best to do right by them… any favors by not first recognizing and then talking about this very real issue.

and related to this:

5. “I think the easiest thing one can do is critique another’s work. Instead of polarising views how about a piece of work that is put forward on it’s own merit. I’m not a fan of they said this, I say that.” I quoted this comment simply because it was one of the last ones that I read, and it was fresh in my mind. But it wasn’t unique. There were several that said essentially the same thing. Why did I have to attack the nanny? Why did I have to be so mean? So judgmental? So petty? Why couldn’t I just write a positive piece about my own views instead of comparing myself to her?

Well first, I don’t disagree. It IS easy to respond to something that’s already been written, especially something that’s all neatly laid out in a list. Bullet-point lists almost beg to be answered. In all fairness though, I was not critiquing someone else’s work. I don’t know the nanny. This was not about her personally, and it was not about her work. It was about ideas. About philosophies. Philosophies that an alarmingly high number of people – in fact millions of people – were accepting as fact and gospel. Why shouldn’t alternative views also deserve to be heard?

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy writing responses to someone else’s article. In fact, few things fill me with such a “damned if I do, and damned if I don’t” kind of dread. I never respond to these things when I first become aware of them… in fact, I mostly wish they’ll quietly go away. But then they’re shared again and again. People praise them again and again. One by one my readers start to send me the links….. “Have you seen this yet?” “Would love to hear your response to this!” “I hope you’re writing a rebuttal to this” “Can you believe this nanny??” So I’ll carefully write my response, truly trying to be as kind and as diplomatic as possible.

Every time, these posts are far and away my most read and most popular.

And every time, I’m told how glad you are that I wrote them.

And every time, I’m scolded: “You’re so, so….. MEAN!”

I cannot win.

As for a piece of work that’s put forward on its own merit: I write those all the time. My blog is full of them. They’re just not as widely read or shared as this kind of post.

Which is … uncomfortable for me.

Because in real life, I’m just a quiet, soft-spoken mom. My kids think I’m a big dork. My husband thinks I’m neurotic. I dislike drama; I avoid confrontation. I hate the icky feelings that come with being the center of attention in any way, especially when I’m being looked at with such critical eyes. I am the last person in the world you’d expect to take some big stand for anything. I never planned on writing, or growing, a blog. I never, ever strove to convince anyone that “my” way of parenting is the right way.

But I continue to do what I do and write what I write for one reason: I think how we treat kids matters. I think kindness matters. I think compassion matters. I think this is worth discussing…. and discussing and discussing… if it means that even one child will be treated with a little more patience, or a little more understanding.

Even if it earns me a title of “nauseating.”

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting

July 7, 2014 · 2:41 PM

5 (Alternative) Reasons Modern-Day Parenting is in Crisis

It’s happened again. A parenting article gone viral, one that has the mainstream masses rising from their seats in raucous applause…. and the rest of us shaking our collective heads. In the article 5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting is in Crisis, a nanny (I think that’s important to note. She’s writing it as a nanny, not as a mother) outlines what she believes to be the five worst mistakes being made by us modern parents. It’s a crisis, she tells us.

Well, she and I do agree on one thing. There’s a problem with parenting today. But I believe it’s very much the opposite of the one she describes in her article. These are her five main points, and how I would re-write them.

***************************************************************************

1. She says: A fear of our children. I say: A fear of loving or giving our children too much

People are so afraid of this myth of the spoiled child, that they’re failing to look at this rationally. Our children are people, deserving of the same kindness, consideration, and respect that we’d give anyone else whom we loved. She outlines the example of a child upset because she wanted her milk in a different colored cup. She says, “Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don’t have to hear it. But for goodness’ sake, don’t make extra work for yourself just to please her” My first thought would be to simply ask what cup the child would like before you poured it, but beyond that: why shouldn’t the child be able to request a certain cup, and why on earth would you deny a request for something so simple? Just because you can? Parenting shouldn’t be about power plays and control. It should be a partnership. A dance. With respect and consideration going both ways. Imagine you had a special house guest. Without knowing his preferences, you hand him an ice cold Coke. If he politely asks you for a glass of water instead, would you refuse to give it to him in order to teach him a lesson? Of course not. You’d simply get him the water. Shouldn’t our children be treated with at least as much care as we’d give a guest in our home?

At one point in the cup scenario, the author says, “mum’s face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum.” And absolutely, you shouldn’t do things for your children out of fear. But you should do things for them because you love them. Because you should give, and give freely, just like you’d do for any other person in your life whom you love. And finally, a child’s life is so full of decisions that are made for them. If we want our children to be good decision makers, they have to make decisions! We need to empower them by letting them make as many decisions as they can….. especially when it comes to something as easy to grant as a blue sippy cup.

2. She says: A lowered bar. I say: An expectation that children should act like miniature adults.

Oftentimes, I see people expecting children to act even better than adults. They’re not allowed to question, they’re not allowed to express displeasure, they’re not allowed to make noise. They’re not allowed to act like children. In short, they’re not allowed to be human. You guys, we’re raising PEOPLE here, not training monkeys. They are young people who are still growing, still maturing, still figuring out how things work. The author worries about kids learning manners, how to clean up after themselves, and how to wait patiently at a restaurant. And your child WILL learn those things if you expose him! He will learn good manners when he sees you, yourself, consistently displaying them to the people around him. He will learn to clean up after himself when he sees you, yourself, consistently cleaning your own messes. He will learn to wait patiently at a restaurant when he sees you, yourself, consistently waiting patiently. In the meantime, help him navigate! Use “please” and “thank you” if that’s important to you, but don’t chastise him if he forgets. Let him help wipe up the spilled milk, but don’t critique his work. Model appropriate behavior at the restaurant, but order his food early, color with him on his kids’ menu, and commiserate with him that waiting is sometimes hard. Expect great things from your children, yes. But don’t expect them to behave like full-grown adults when they’re 3.

3. She says: We’ve lost the village. I say: We’ve lost a *healthy* village

I don’t entirely disagree on this point. But where the author and I part company on this issue is how we view “the village.” I think community is incredibly important, but not in the negative fashion that she describes. She bemoans, “it used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child.” She talks about the need of other authority figures to “correct” (ie: punish) someone else’s child, and that is not something I can rally around. More adults to befriend children, to talk to children, to take children under their wing, to mentor them, to treat them like people? Absolutely! My uncle recently moved from the east coast to retire in Arizona, and it’s neat to watch the relationship he’s formed with Spencer (17 at the time of this writing) They both love engines, and machines, and figuring out how stuff works, and have bonded over their shared interest. Family and friends who are supportive in this way are invaluable, to be sure, and it is no small thing to have a network of people who enrich your life and the lives of your children through friendship, and through kindness and compassion…. NOT through “carte blanche to correct your unruly child.”

4. She says: A reliance on short cuts. I say: A reliance on the way things have always been done

This was a strange one. She starts out by chastising the parent who uses technology to keep a child busy while waiting at a restaurant (Caillou, by the way, is spelled C-A-I-L-L-O-U) but quickly moves in to advising parents to let their babies “self-soothe”, and not to help their toddler who’s raising his arms to be picked up after he falls. Modern technology is its own issue, and for the record I find nothing wrong with letting a child quietly watch something on a phone or tablet when he’s waiting for something. But far more concerning to me is this idea of being a hands-off parent. Yes, your parents probably left you to cry-it-out. Yes, lots of parenting books still advocate “sleep training” and “self-soothing.” Yes, many parents will tell you you’ll “spoil” your child if you respond to them too often. But what does your instinct tell you? Do you listen to it? Instinct tells us to go to our children when they cry. Instinct tells us to pick them up when they want our assistance. Instinct tells us to comfort them, to love them, to be there for them. It tells us to pick them up when they cry. The first time and the thousandth time. Babies NEED their parents. They need touch. They need connection. They need to be heard. Parents fear that if they hold their children too much that they will never separate, but it doesn’t work that way. A need that is met breeds confidence and self-assurance and feelings of wholeness. A need that is not met never really goes away…. it just resurfaces later in some other form. Don’t rely on “baby training” because a book or your mother or that internet celebrity tells you that’s the way it’s always been done. Your child is a person, and she needs you.

5. She says: Parents putting their kids’ needs ahead of their own. I say: Parents putting their own needs ahead of their kids.

None of your children asked to be born. Let me just start there. Children come into our lives as our invited guests. It makes no logical sense to me to invite these little people (with big needs) into our lives only to then expect to go about business as usual, expect to continue putting ourselves first, expect them to conform and compromise and go without according to our own desires. Your life changes the moment you bring a child into the world, and it should! Particularly when they are very little, your kids’ needs should come first. And before I’m accused of it, I’m not suggesting martyrdom here. YES, make self-care a priority. It’s important. But it should never come at the expense of your child.

The author gives the following examples of “mistakes” parents are making in this area: “Often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she’s thirsty. ” I’m not a fan of the negative-sounding “whims”, but if your child has a need at night, help them meet it! And if your child is thirsty at the zoo, for heavens sake…. get her a drink! I think we’ve lost sight of “doing unto others” in the name of not spoiling our children, and THAT is the real problem with parenting today. Not giving too much. Not the lack of a village. Not picking them up when they cry. We’ve forgotten that children are people – cherished people, deeply loved people – and that they are deserving of all we can possibly give them.

And finally, the author closes in part by saying, “So please, parents and caregivers from London to Los Angeles, and all over the world, ask more. Expect more. Share your struggles. Give less. ” Every time I’ve read this article those words, “give less” haunt me. Give less? No. No, no, no. We need to give more. More to the people around us, more to our children, more to ourselves. We need to give freely. Abundantly. Selflessly. We need to give of our hearts, our time, our attention. Yes, we need to give more.

And when we lovingly give to our children, they in turn, will become adults who give to the people around them.

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Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

June 13, 2014 · 3:51 PM

Book Review: Jesus, the Gentle Parent by L.R. Knost

“We are our children’s first experience of God. How we treat them, how we respond to them, what we model for them, those are all images of parenthood that are imprinted on our children’s hearts from the moment of birth, and they will carry those images with them for life. God’s unconditional love, his gentleness, his compassion, his acceptance, his sacrifice…. those are the images our children need to see reflected in our parenting, to have tenderly woven into the fabric of their childhood, to carry forever as whispered memories etched on their hearts, echoing the heart of God.” ~ L.R. Knost

I was so excited when I first heard that L.R. Knost was releasing a book about gentle Christian parenting. I absolutely adored her previous books – all of which I’ve reviewed here on my blog – and I knew that this newest offering was one that was sorely needed in the landscape of gentle parenting resources. Far too many well-meaning Christians (and I do believe that they are well-meaning) mistakenly believe that the Bible instructs parents to parent with harshness, when the opposite is true. Jesus was in fact all about love, grace, and gentleness, and Knost understands this oh so well.

In what I believe is her best book to date, L.R. Knost combines personal experience, well-researched scripture, and inspirational testimony to take the reader through what the Bible does (and does not) have to say about how we should be parenting as Christians. With the same straightforward yet warm and conversational tone I’ve come to appreciate in all her writings, she guides and encourages, teaches without preaching, and gently corrects and re-directs the misguided and often harmful messages given through the years by Christian parenting “experts” such as Gary Ezzo, James Dobson, and Michael Pearl.

So much more than a book about a personal opinion, Jesus, the Gentle Parent digs deep into scripture and doctrinal belief, examining the main tenets of mainstream Christian parenting advice, debunking widely-held beliefs about what it means to parent in biblical way, and providing practical and scripturally sound alternatives to guiding your children with unconditional love, grace, and gentleness.

Not shying away from any of the tough questions, she tackles such issues as spanking, sin, authority, obedience and submission…. and what it all means (and doesn’t mean) – to a gentle parent whose desire is to parent in Jesus’s footsteps.

I have been a parent for 17 years, and this beautiful book has truly touched my soul like none other. It simultaneously taught me something new, and strengthened what I already knew in my heart of hearts to be true. Jesus was a man of endless compassion and grace – more grace than we can ever understand – and the only way for our children to truly experience it is if we, as their parents, give it to them. I am deeply indebted to L.R. Knost for getting this very important message out there, and into the hands and hearts of Christian parents around the world.

You can buy Jesus, the Gentle Parent here.

Best-selling parenting and children’s book author, L.R. Knost, is an independent development researcher and founder and director of the advocacy and consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, as well as a monthly contributor to The Natural Parent Magazine. She is also a babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling mother of six. Her children are a twenty-six-year-old married father of two; a twenty-four-year-old married Family Therapist working with at-risk children and families; a nineteen-year-old university pre-med student on scholarship; fifteen- and eight-year-old sweet, funny, socially active, homeschooled girls; and an adorable and active toddler.

Books by award-winning author L.R. Knost, include Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline, and her newest release, Jesus, The Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting, the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook parenting guide series; as well as her children’s picture books: A Walk in the Clouds, the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series; and Petey’s Listening Ears, the first in the Wisdom for Little Hearts series, which are humorous and engaging tools for parenting, teachers, and caregivers to use in implementing gentle parenting techniques in their homes and schools.

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Filed under bible, book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

May 30, 2014 · 11:29 AM

Giving Our Children Everything They Want….

Ah, the negative parenting meme. Reinforcing stereotypes, giving in to the myth of the “spoiled child”, and keeping parents stuck in a cycle of further disconnect from their children.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Parenting can be positive. Joyful. It can come from an open place of love, not from a place of fear.

With that in mind, I took the liberty of making a few small changes:

“Giving our children ~~everything they want~~ as much as we can…. of our time, our attention, and the people, places, and things that make their lives fun, interesting, and colorful makes them ~~demanding~~ feel valued and ~~ungrateful~~ loved. It creates a feeling of abundance for both parent and child. And they in turn ~~never~~ learn how to be ~~self-controlled~~ generous, and how to give freely of themselves to others, and in the future, to their own children. Think about this the next time you give ~~in to a screaming child~~. a knee-jerk “no” to your child’s request.“

As parents we’re so often bombarded with the message of, “Your kids need to hear the word, “no!”” Well, I’m choosing differently. When it’s at all possible (and it is so very often possible) I’m saying “YES” … with no excuses, strings, or apologies.

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May 19, 2014 · 10:21 AM

What is Good Parenting?

I have been thinking about this for a few days now, ever since I shared a post about the family that was given a “well-behaved child” discount on their restaurant bill. I was not a fan of the idea, for a variety of reasons (and for the record, all four of my kids are and have always been a joy at restaurants) but opinions were mixed when we discussed it on Facebook. One common pattern that I saw emerge was that people in favor of the discount generally thought that it promoted/encouraged/rewarded “good parenting.”

That doesn’t sit right with me.

For one thing, I don’t judge my parenting based on how “well-behaved” my children are. What does well-behaved even mean? More than that though, is the fact that I have friends who are amazing parents, whose children (again, for a variety of reasons) are not what society at large would deem “well-behaved.” And let’s just be honest for a minute: It’s easy to parent when kids are being sweet and compliant. It’s during the tough moments that we see what kind of parents we are.

So then I started thinking… maybe that’s how you spot a good parent…. how they react and respond and interact with their children when they’re having a hard time. I quickly rejected that as well though, because lots of great parents (re: ALL great parents) have had moments with their kids that they wish they could do over, moments that they’ve lost their cool, or lost their patience. Moments that they need to apologize for.

Then I thought: a good parent is an imperfect parent. A parent who is real. A parent who realizes and admits that she makes mistakes and vows to do better. A parent who isn’t afraid to learn better ways. A parent who loves her child unconditionally and without question. A parent who isn’t about trying to mold her child into something of her own choosing, but someone who accepts and supports and embraces who that child is RIGHT NOW. A parent who realizes that a child is not a second class citizen but a person, worthy and deserving of the same gentleness, kindness and respect that you would give to any other loved one.

But a good parent is all of that and so. much. more.

So I asked the question, “What is your definition of a good parent”? on my Facebook page, and I was not disappointed with your responses. I am sure that every single blogger says this, but I seriously have the best people reading my page! I had a difficult time narrowing it down, but these were some of my favorites. I agree with every single one of these beautiful definitions (not one of which includes the manner in which your children conduct themselves at IHOP ;)):

A parent who not only allows but encourages and assists a child in being exactly who they want and need to be, and then loves that person unconditionally. ~ Lisa J

Someone who is not afraid to learn. From their children. From their failures. From their past. From those around them… ~ Alysha B

Someone whose priority is to really hear their child, to support them in getting their needs met and supporting them in their passions. ~ Sylvia T

Embracing our children for exactly who they are and where they are developmentally. ~ Ashley K

Allowing them to be who THEY ARE, not what a parent wants them to be. I have no need to be a puppeteer. I learn as much from them as they do from me. ~ Heidi S

Responsive, respectful, connected, loving ~ Fiona C

Allowing each child to just BE, celebrating them and knowing their perfection in each moment. ~ Lisa H

Being a good parent is…. Knowing I don’t have to strive for perfection! ~ Amie M

A good parent is one whose children feel wanted and secure, know that they are free to be themselves, have a safe place from which to explore, and know real love from the example they are taught. ~ Heather G

Being willing to figuratively (and literally, if needed) lay down my life for my child. ~ Paula G

Someone who is committed to constantly learning and growing for and with their children. Someone who can take a hard, honest look at themselves and choose to model what they want to see in their kids. Someone who give grace to their kids and themselves. ~ Rachel C

Treating your children as you would like to be treated. ~ On The Train With Sophie

Ahhhhh.

Thank you, for being such honest, real, and yes…. GOOD parents. You all inspire me, and encourage me to do better.

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April 27, 2014 · 11:40 AM

Five Words & Phrases We Need to Stop Saying About Moms and Motherhood

It’s a tricky thing, parenting. We’re often our own worst critics, berating ourselves for our mistakes, and second-guessing our choices. Add to that the near constant barrage of opinions from society at large, and we have a recipe for confusion, self-doubt, and self-flagellation. In this current era of blogs, social media, and instant information, we have the unique opportunity to be able to connect with and support other parents like never before. We can help each other explore new ideas. re-examine old ones, and make healthier choices for our children and families.

But we’re sabotaging the conversation, in a big way… and it might not be the way you think. The following are things I hear on my Facebook page on a regular basis, comments that are not only not helping, but are actively hurting (and in some cases, outright stopping) the dialogue on parenting, and preventing others from hearing new perspectives.

1. Mommy Wars – You guys. We really need to retire this phrase. “Mommy Wars” just don’t exist. There is only a war if you choose to engage in one. Motherhood is a journey, not a competition, and every mother you meet is going to be in a different place in her journey. If you come across a person or an article or a blog post with a different opinion than your own (which, by the way, is not the same thing as a “war”), and it makes you angry, you have a CHOICE. Every time. Remember, you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. You can walk away. You can realize that one person’s perspective is not the same thing as a personal attack on you. You can take an honest look at yourself and try to determine why your feelings and reactions were so strong in the first place. You can open yourself up to learning something new. You can use it to further your own dialogue on good parenting. Oftentimes the best, most productive discussions arise from people who disagree and can do so kindly…. people who can put aside their own egos, discuss the issue at hand, and learn from it. But that can only happen if you stop crying, “Mommy wars!” every time someone has a contrary opinion to your own. We are not in a war, and continuing to insist that we are only stops you from being able to move forward.

2. “Sanctimommy” – This ridiculous word is like “Mommy Wars”‘s modern day cousin. A mom shares an opinion or a perspective or a counter to some popular bit of advice, and toes get stepped on. A nerve is struck, and someone inevitably says it: “Stop being such a SANCTIMOMMY!” It is silly and juvenile. No good ever comes from name-calling. Let’s just start there. It’s pretty much just good manners 101. Beyond that though is this pervasive belief that the sharing of an opinion that may make you uncomfortable is the same thing as being sanctimonious, or judgmental, or out to prove that “my way is better than your way.” This is not a competition. (See number one) Just a couple of nights ago, I shared a popular parenting article about a “creative” way to ground your kids, along with my reasons for choosing to do things differently. A respectful conversation followed, until it was abruptly interrupted with, “You need to butt the hell out of other people’s lives. Stop being so judgmental, and making others feel inferior.” Clearly, I struck a chord. But here’s the thing: I can’t make someone feel inferior. Can’t do it. No one can. The only person who’s in charge of how she feels is the person who owns said feelings. If you’re feeling judged or uncomfortable from something you’ve read, those are your feelings to have and to examine. Sharing opinions does not equate to being sanctimonious and judgmental, and frankly, if it did, the accuser in this scenario would be just as guilty as the accused (actually, moreso, because she was rude on top of it.) Do people ever share things in an inflammatory way? Sure. And if and when it happens, we can choose to walk away. Let’s stop this. Let’s choose to stop taking everything as a personal attack. Let’s choose to assume positive intent. Let’s choose to help one another. Let’s choose to actually dialogue. Let’s choose to stop throwing around words like “Sanctimommy” and “judgmental.” The reason I continue to write about parenting issues (quite honestly, sometimes the only reason) is that I want to help new and/or questioning parents to find healthy ways to have closer, more joyful, more connected relationships with their kids. The only way any of us can do that is through conversation…. conversations that peel apart ideas, question the status quo, and really dig into why we do and do not make certain parenting decisions. Effective conversations simply cannot be had with people who come out of the gate calling names and making inflammatory accusations, and such behavior does nothing to help other parents.

3. To each his own. I completely understand why people say this. I do. It’s important to respect individual decisions when those decisions aren’t infringing on anyone else. And there are many, many areas in which it could apply…. what a family chooses for education; where they live; whether or not they choose to practice a religion; what kind of jobs they have, and whether or not they choose to have both parents working or one of them staying home. Etc. But “to each his own” can be a remarkably unhelpful comment when it comes to parenting, and this is why: it encourages complacency, a shrugging of the shoulders, and an attitude of “Eh, whatever works for them.” And when kids are being treated in disrespectful ways, we should never be satisfied with complacency. Children unfortunately aren’t often given a voice. We have to be that voice on their behalf. A lot of times parents aren’t aware of alternatives. A lot of times they haven’t received the support or the resources to realize that they have other options. A lot of times they just haven’t stepped outside themselves long enough to really see what it is they’re doing, why they’re doing it, or what kind of effect it’s having on their relationship with their children. The way – the only way – we can help each other with solutions is by talking about it. And that can’t happen if the conversation is summarily dismissed with a flippant “to each his own.”

4. Different methods work for different kids. I understand why people say this too. I have four very different children, which is what I imagine parents are referring to when they say things like this. But while they all have different personalities, different ways of relating with myself and others, and different learning styles, my core value of aspiring to parent gently and with respect remains unchanged among the four of them. Much like “to each his own,” falling back on a “different methods work for different kids” as a reason to spank for instance, can lead to a failure to investigate other options. People will tell you that some kids need to be spanked, but that is not the case when you’re aware of alternatives. And while lots of things may “work” in the moment, it doesn’t mean they are the healthiest, most respectful choices. As an aside, my one child who conventional parenting would have dictated “needed” to be spanked is now the most gentle, laid-back teenager you could ever hope to meet. Our kids are not ours to experiment with. They are human beings, and our “method” of relating to them should be treated with the same care, attention, and respect as it would with any other loved one. Our efforts are best put towards partnering with them and helping them come up with solutions, not in trying out new ways to punish them.

5. I was _________ and I turned out fine.

Oh how this one frustrates me. Often used in defense of spanking, it rings as a very strange and stubborn refusal to learn something new. First, I would argue that if you’re advocating for something like using physical force against a small human being who is 1/4 of your size, you’re probably not as fine as you believe. Secondly, don’t we want better than “fine” for our own kids? I know I do! Previous generations have done all kinds of things that we now know to do differently. Babies used to be held on their parents laps in cars, not secured in car seats. We now know that car seats save lives. I used to drive my bike all over creation without a helmet. We now know that helmets save lives, too. My mother in law tells a story of how she remembers being in the hospital after giving birth to my husband (in the 70’s)…. her new baby in one arm, and a lit cigarette in the other. Of course, that’s no longer allowed, because we know that it’s not exactly good for the baby. And I say this not to fault our parents…. not at all! I have great parents. My husband has great parents. Like the rest of us, they loved their kids and did their best with the information that they had at the time. But one of the wonderful things about life is that there are always new things to learn, always new information to be absorbed. And when we know better, we should do better. To refuse to do so in an effort to cling to old ways is categorically unfair… unfair to ourselves, unfair to our kids, and unfair to the generation that’s coming up behind them. We can do better. We can always do better.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Despite the naysayers who continually try to get me to feel otherwise, I have faith in my fellow moms. I do. I believe that everyone reading this is smart, and strong, and willing to cut through the BS, drop the ego, and ask the hard questions. I believe that we can put our focus on parenting, and parenting well; and that we can do away with the unhelpful words and comments up above, which, at the end of the day, are nothing more than noise.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

December 9, 2013 · 9:16 AM

Christianity, Sin & Gentle Parenting

I recently received an email that said, in part:

I am writing in hope you can help me understand how you reconcile the fact that we are born sinners in need of a Savior with gentle parenting. I find it hard to understand how children who are sinners can be “trusted to make the right decision”. I know as a sinner myself I can often not be trusted to make the right decision. I also find biblical examples where sin has consequences. The entire Gospel message is based on the truth that sin needs to be punished. Can you help me understand how you and your husband reconcile those things? Thank you so much for your time.

It’s actually a question I’ve gotten fairly frequently, in various forms. I’ve never fully answered it, but it wasn’t until this email that I realized why. I can’t answer it. And I don’t mean to be contrary or disrespectful when I say that. It’s just that I am viewing this, and living it, from an entirely different paradigm. I believe in gentle parenting largely BECAUSE of my faith, not in spite of it. So for me, there is nothing to reconcile.

First, this sentence: “I find it hard to understand how children who are sinners can be “trusted to make the right decision”” is built on the (common) misconception that someone who does not punish does not discipline, and that someone who believes in gentle parenting must just leave kids to their own devices, hoping and trusting that they’ll do the right thing. But it doesn’t work that way. Truly leaving your kids to make all their decisions on their own with no parental guidance is permissive parenting…. which is very much the opposite of what I write about. Gentle parenting is based on relationship. It’s based on communication and connection and gentle guidance and partnership. Do my kids make bad choices sometimes? Sure! We all do. That’s why we have parents, and other loved ones, and God, and a conscience, and a moral compass… to guide us, to help keep us accountable as we navigate the world, and yes, to offer us grace and forgiveness when we screw up.

Second, “The entire Gospel message is based on the truth that sin needs to be punished” is just not something that I subscribe to or believe. I believe that the entire Gospel message is based on love, and grace, and forgiveness. It’s about “God so loving the world that he sent his only begotten son….” It’s about the fact that it’s because of “grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.…” I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I have been given FAR more grace and forgiveness than I deserve. I screw up daily. I screw up hourly. There’s a better than average chance that I’ll make a poor decision before I finish writing this blog post.

But here’s the thing: God hasn’t given up on me. I am cherished exactly as I am. I am loved. Unconditionally. I am forgiven. Again and again. God believes in me and trusts me, and knows that because of those things I want to do better. I want to be the person He created me to be.

That’s the kind of parent I want to be for my own kids. If I can offer even a fraction of the love and grace that God extends to me, it’ll be a step in the right direction. My guide (in all things, but particularly as a parent) is Jesus. Jesus was, of course, never a parent, but you know how he treated kids? With kindness. With gentleness. And with more patience than I could ever hope to muster.

And finally, as to sin having consequences: Yes, bad decisions have consequences. I’ve made enough of them myself to know this much is true. But life deals out those consequences all by itself. And God? God gives second chances.

I figure that’s the least I can offer my own kids.

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Filed under bible, faith, gentle discipline, gentle parenting

November 22, 2013 · 3:46 PM

How (and why) I opted out of being the meanest mom in the world

People often send me parenting articles that they come across on the internet, wanting to know my take on them. This one (titled How (and why) to be the meanest mom in the world) landed in my inbox just last night, and I knew immediately I’d have to write about it. First, it’s a list. I’m a sucker for lists, and a list I can refute point by point? That makes me all kinds of giddy. More than that though, is the nerve that this idea strikes in my heart…. this pernicious and widespread belief that what kids need more of is meanness, and control, and “tough love.” I think they need very much the opposite. What kids need is connection with their parents.

It also bothers me to see, again and again, parents being told that kids need to be MADE to do the right thing, FORCED to make good decisions, and TOLD to behave in a certain way. Is this how little we think of our kids?That they wouldn’t possibly do those things on their own unless there was coercion of some sort?

And I get it. I do. The post was written slightly tongue-in-cheek, and I’m sure that the mom who wrote it is not actually “mean” to her kids. I’m also sure that, like me, she loves her kids, and only wants the best for them.

But that’s where the similarity ends. Because just as I never uses phrases like “pick my battles” with my kids (my children and I are partners, not adversaries) I also never want to gauge my parenting skill set on how “mean” I’m being. Words matter. Intentions matter.

And so …. kindness. When in doubt, I always try to choose kindness.

What follows is her “how to be mean” list, and how I would re-write it with kindness in mind.

One last note before I get to the list though. The intro to her article says this:

When your kids tell you you’re mean, take it as a compliment. The rising generation have been called the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history. Don’t give up. They may think you’re mean now, but they’ll thank you later.

This is not something new. Every generation has called the one rising up behind them the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history. Every generation has shaken their collective heads and lamented “the problem with kids these days.” This has been going on forever. So I don’t believe for a second this idea that this particular generation is worse in some way than the ones that came before it. But even if it was? The answer is kindness and compassion…. not a renewed effort to be more “mean.”

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time. Is there really anyone who hasn’t heard how important a good night’s rest is to a child’s success? Be the parent and put your kid to bed.

My version: Help your kids learn to respect their bodies’ cues for tiredness (as well as hunger, thirst, etc) and make your home and their environment one that’s conducive to rest. A good night’s rest IS important. This much is true. But what that looks like is different for each child, just as it is for each adult. Is “making” your child go to bed before he/she is ready, and possibly turning it into a point of contention, going to instill in them a healthy relationship with sleep in the future? Sleep should be something pleasant, something that’s looked forward to at the end of the day… not something to be put into your “mean” arsenal. Work with your child on this, not against him. As homeschoolers, we’re fortunate in that we can accommodate everyone’s sleep schedule’s, even if they’re not conventional. But even in families where kids go to school, sleep can – and should! – be approached kindly, respectfully, and keeping each individual’s unique needs in mind.

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. Sweets should be saved for special occasions. That’s what makes them a “treat.” If you give in to your child’s demands for goodies all the time, he won’t appreciate the gesture when someone offers a sweet gift or reward.

My version: Enjoy your desserts, whenever you may have them. Food should not be an area of contention either. It makes me nervous (both as a gentle parent and as a nutritional consultant) when I see people making rules about when/why/how often certain foods should be eaten. It’s a good way to set up a lifelong unhealthy and unbalanced relationship with food. A cookie’s just a cookie. We don’t have dessert every day, but not because of any house rules against it. We just don’t want it every day. And when we do want it? We have it, even if we just had it the night before. If we’re craving brownies, we bake some. If we want ice cream, we go out and get it. If one of my kids asked to go to the dollar store for some Red Vines, I’d drive them. Most of our daily diet consists of things like fish, fresh fruit, veggies, nuts and yogurt. I’m certainly not going to stress out over some sweets. As for “giving in to “demands””? There’s no “demanding” going on here. Requests occasionally? Sure. And their requests are as respected as mine and my husband’s. And yes, they still very much appreciate the gesture when someone offers a gift… a sweet one or otherwise.

3. Make them pay for their own stuff. If you want something, you have to pay for it. That’s the way adult life works.

My version: Empower them and help them pay for their own stuff. Again with the word, “make.” This is the second of five times that she uses that phrase, “Make them…” Kids don’t need to be made to spend or save their own money in order to learn about it. All four of our kids get some money every other week, on payday. It’s theirs, to save or spend as they see fit. We buy them things that they’re wanting or needing as we are able, but they love knowing that they can buy their own things as well, whether it’s a $1.50 soda from the drug store, or a pair of $60 headphones for their computer. All four of them have healthy relationships with money, enjoy both saving and spending, and take pride of ownership in the things that they’ve purchased on their own.

4. Don’t pull strings. Some kids get a rude awakening when they get a job and realize that the rules actually do apply to them.

My version: When faced with a difficult or less than ideal situation, model for your children the best ways to handle it. I have to admit, I found this one a little…. odd. Adults pull strings and use contacts for themselves all the time, and the ones that I know are pretty darn proud of it too. But if it’s not something you want for your child, don’t do it yourself. As for whether or not it’s the right or wrong thing to do? I guess it would depend on the person and the circumstance. I do know this though: If I’m ever put in a position of being able to help my kids, or purposely stay out of it for no other reason than to “teach them a lesson”, I will help them. Every time. If they’re not doing something that’s damaging to themselves or others, I’m on their side.

5. Make them do hard things. Don’t automatically step-in and take over when things get hard. Nothing gives your kids a bigger self-confidence boost than sticking to it and accomplishing something difficult.

My version: Encourage and support them when they’re faced with hard things. Sticking with something and accomplishing a personal goal are powerful things indeed. But again, kids don’t need to be “made” to do them. Confident and well-adjusted kids do hard things all on our their own… when it is important to them. Our job as parents is to encourage them and cheer them on, and let them see us determinedly pursuing our own goals as well.

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. Your child will be better off if he learns the responsibility of managing his own time. You’re not always going to be there to remind her to turn off the TV and get ready to go.

My version: Give them a watch and an alarm clock. Sure, why not? They’re useful tools when kids are wanting and able to learn to use them. They are not, however, behavior modification tools. Both my older boys have started using alarms for various reasons, all on their own… whether they want to adjust their sleep schedules, get up at a certain time because they need to be somewhere, or meet a friend for a Skype or Minecraft date.

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. Teach your children gratitude for, and satisfaction with, the things they have. Always worrying about the next big thing and who already has it will lead to a lifetime of debt and unhappiness.

My version: To this one, I would only add…. if you can’t afford it. Living to simply “keep up with Joneses” is a sad (and futile) way to live for sure. There’s always going to be someone with more. And going into debt to get the next best thing is most definitely not a legacy you want to pass down to your children. But your own attitude towards money and possessions and “stuff”, and your own gratitude and appreciation for what you have is going to make a far bigger impact on your kids than what you do or do not have in the way of belongings.

8. Let them feel loss. If your child breaks a toy, don’t replace it. He’ll learn a valuable lesson about taking care of his stuff.

My version: When your child feels loss, commiserate with him. My very first thought upon reading this one was, “As a parent, do you not replace your things when they break?” Accidents happen. I know first hand the sadness and frustration when a treasured item is broken or ruined, whether it was due to carelessness or just plain rotten luck. It feels terrible! When it’s happened to me as an adult, I’ve replaced the item when I was financially able, and took even greater care with the new one. I give my kids the same consideration. The lesson doesn’t lie in deliberately depriving him of replacing it…. the lesson happened as soon as it broke.

9. Control media. If all the other parents let their child jump off a bridge, would you? Don’t let your kids watch a show or play a video game that is inappropriate for children just because all their friends have done it.

My version: Make informed and conscientious decisions for and with your children. I would never do or not do something based on what other parents are doing. The author and I agree on that point completely. But all kids are different. All families are different. What might be “inappropriate” for one child could be totally benign to another.

10. Make them apologize. If your child does something wrong, make her fess up and face the consequences. Don’t brush rudeness, bullying or dishonesty under the rug.

My version: Apologize. You know how kids learn to sincerely apologize? When someone they love and looks up to sincerely apologizes. You know how kids learn not to be rude, bullying, or dishonest? When they have parents who don’t display things such as rudeness, bullying, and dishonesty.

11. Mind their manners. Even small children can learn the basics of how to treat another human with respect and dignity.

My version: Mind YOUR manners. Say please and thank you. Say excuse me. Apologize when it’s warranted. Be kind and polite to strangers and family members alike. Treat others with respect. Children who live among people with good manners, LEARN good manners.

12. Make them work — for free. Whether it’s helping Grandma in the garden or volunteering to tutor younger kids, make service a part of your child’s life.

Oh, this makes me sad. My version: Show them what service to others looks like. If you want your children to develop a spirit of giving (and I want that for my kids too!) LIVE it. Let them help you help others. Do kind things for them and with them. Look for ways to bless other people. If you make it a way of life, they will learn it. If you make them work for others, you deny them the opportunity to do it of their own volition.

And if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my kids, it’s that they have huge, huge hearts. Sometimes we get – and need! – to just stand back and watch them use them.

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Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

November 18, 2013 · 12:19 PM

Child Abuse Cloaked in “Christian Discipline”… Another Death at the Hands of Pearl Followers

I am writing this as my children sleep.

My four children, who, while they’ve surely never had perfect parents, have never had parents that they’ve feared. I wish, I so badly wish, that that was the case in all homes. I wish that all well-meaning parents who loved their children would just – at a minimum – let their children know that they are safe. That their home is their sanctuary. That their parents will protect them from harm, that they will never have to go to bed or wake up or spend a single day of their lives in FEAR.

That is, heartbreakingly, not the case.

Last week, Larry and Carri Williams of Washington State were found guilty of the murder of their little daughter, Hana. They are the third couple to be found guilty of murder after employing the child-abuse techniques in the “Christian” parenting book, To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi and Pearl.

The first was four year old Sean Paddock, in 2006. His death was followed by seven year old Lydia Schatz in 2010.

Remember those names, please.

Sean Paddock. Lydia Schatz. And now Hana Williams. These are innocent children who were killed at the hands of their parents, the ones who were supposed to be protecting them. Even worse – can murdering your child even GET worse? It can. – they were killed at the hands of their parents who were following “discipline” techniques they believed to be “biblical.”

Don’t like to think about something awful? Want to look away? Find yourself thinking, “Yes, it’s sad, and terrible, and heartbreaking, but no good could come from constantly talking about it.”?

To that I say BULLSHIT.

We owe it to Sean Paddock to think about it. We owe it to Lydia Schatz to look at it. We owe it to Hana Williams to talk about it. We owe it to all the children who are subjected to this kind of treatment day in and day out.

Michael Pearl, and his 1.7 million dollar “ministry”, No Greater Joy, take money from unsuspecting Christians, instruct them how to abuse their children, and somehow brainwash them into thinking that this is behavior is not only condoned but commanded and blessed by God.

God does not want you to hit your children. Jesus does not want you to inflict pain on your children.

THIS BOOK IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

And I won’t keep quiet about this. I won’t. Michael Pearl is out there laughing, laughing, as children die. Taken from his Facebook page in response to criticism after Lydia Schatz died:

It has come to may attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love…

Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative—entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements…

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—my 17 grandkids—are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time. They laugh when Daddy is coming home. The laugh when it is time to do more homeschooling. They laugh when it is time to practice the violin and piano. They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that’s me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don’t care why just as long as he laughs with them.

My granddaughters laugh with joy after giving their baby dolls a spanking for “being naughty” because they know their dolls will grow up to be the best mamas and daddies in the world—just like them….

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken….

And before you can say it, this is not about “free speech.” I’ve heard it from too many people. “He has the right to say whatever he wants. If you don’t like his books, don’t buy them”. No. NO! This is about a man using and twisting and manipulating the Bible for his own sick gain. A man who has created an entire empire around teaching people how to intimidate, manipulate, bully, abuse, and in the case of Paddock, Schatz, and Williams, kill their children.

A selection of direct quotes from the first edition of To Train Up a Child:

But for her own good, we attempted to train her not to climb the stairs by coordinating the voice command of “No” with little spats on the bare legs. The switch was a twelve-inch long, one-eighth-inch diameter sprig from a willow tree.

He may not be able to sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up is to be on the firing line and get switched back down.

If a father is attempting to make a child eat his oats, and the child cries for his mother, then the mother should respond by spanking him for whining for her and for not eating his oats. He will then be glad to be dealing only with the father.

…use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.

On the bare legs or bottom, switch him eight or ten licks; then, while waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again.

(All quotes from this post on the website, Why Not Train a Child.)

Have you read enough yet? It’s beyond time to do something. Don’t stop talking about it. Don’t stop sharing posts about it.

Sign the petition to remove their book from Amazon.

Grab this button from Muse Mama and display it on your own site:

If you are a fellow Christian (and it’s for you especially that I write), let your voice be louder than the Pearl’s followers. Let people know that to raise a child in a Christ-like way, to truly “train up a child in the way he should go”, is to parent with kindness, gentleness, and compassion… the complete and utter opposite of what’s promoted by Michael and Debi Pearl.

(I also wrote about the Pearls here.)

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Filed under bible, faith, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, Pearls

November 11, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Q & A – The Bible, Discipline, and Freedom

I got another great set of questions, mostly focused on discipline, and a little bit more about housekeeping…

“How do you reconcile Heb 12 where it talks about discipline being painful with the gentle no pain approach to parenting. It would seem to say that there are times when consequences hurt. Not spanking per se but things that aren’t pleasant. Any thoughts?

This is the scripture she’s referring to:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

First, I think it’s important to look at the word, “discipline.” It’s often used as synonymous with punishment, but discipline and punishment are two different things. Discipline simply means teaching (or on the part of the child, learning). It means practicing a certain action, skill, or behavior in order to get better at it. Sometimes it does hurt, absolutely. I did 250 hours of yoga training to earn my RYT. It was painful on many levels, but the self-discipline was worth it. My 13 year old taught himself to play the guitar. Lots of guitar playing wreaks havoc on your fingers early on, but he will tell you that the discipline made him a better player. And all of us have learned lessons (or have been disciplined) by making poor decisions and reaping the natural – and sometimes painful – consequences. It is a part of learning, and a part of life, that sometimes discipline is painful.

But do I think that it’s my job as a parent to purposely inflict that pain on my children through punishment, or that that’s what this scripture is instructing me to do? Absolutely not. My job is to support them, to hold their hands, and to be their soft place to fall when life deals them those hard blows.

Also what do you do for repeated childhood habits like not keeping the room clean or leaving everything out in the bathroom that the whole family shares?

I don’t think those are childhood habits. I’ve lived with adults who do the same thing! This is a house that we all share, and as such we all compromise and work together to respect each other’s space. Generally speaking, if a mess is bothering me, I will clean it up. If it’s someone else’s personal mess, and it’s in my way, I’ll just ask whoever it is if they can please come get it/clean it. And they will.

From what I’ve seen in my own family, it’s very much just a matter of personality, and how tidy or not you may be is largely hard-wired from birth. I have one child who is one of the neatest people I’ve ever known in real life, much like his father…. and three more who tend to make a mess everywhere they go, much like their mother.

How does it work? We compromise. We give and take. We help each other out. We take accountability for our own actions. We speak up when something isn’t working.

I want to allow them freedom but when it prevents others from having a clean place how do you handle that?

Freedom is sort of a myth, especially when you live with other people. I would like the freedom to curl up on the couch and watch movies all day, but there are things to do and people to feed. 🙂 And “freedom” should never involve stepping on someone else’s happiness/enjoyment/peace in his or her own home. The way this question is framed almost makes it sound like there are two options: 1) to give the kids “freedom” and then let them take advantage of you and leave you to trip over their stuff all over the house, or 2) to make them behave a certain way through coercion, punishment, etc. But there are other options! It’s never all or nothing.

You can simply ask, “Hey, can you please come get xyz from the living room?” You can pick up together. You can keep baskets, bins, etc around the house to toss stray stuff into (just don’t make anybody have to earn it back!). You can take a few minutes to gather up their things, and drop them for them in their rooms. You can talk to them about how you’re feeling. You can brainstorm for answers with your kids input (sometimes my kids come up with more creative and sensible solutions than I do!).

Or for example I sent the kids to clean the room today, 20 min later NOTHING is done! I want to honor them & give them freedom but I want them to learn how to follow instructions as well.

Well, first, if they have caring and involved parents, kids will learn how to follow instructions. 🙂 It’s a part of life, and they’ll learn it.

As for the room, was it a reasonable request or a requirement? Was it a punishment? Were they given a choice? Were they wanting/needing to do something else at the moment? Were they pulled away from something they were enjoying? Was the job description too vague? Too overwhelming? Too tedious? Were there too many distractions? Were they tired/hungry/angry/bored? None of these are questions to actually answer, by the way, just questions to ask in the moment. There are so many reasons why a person would or would not do something, and the only way to figure it out (as well as to determine the appropriate course of action the next time) is to take a step back, and look at the situation with an objective eye. A lot of times when I’ve felt like the kids didn’t do something that I thought they should, upon reflection I realized that the problem didn’t lie with them at all. It was me.

What if one child is being unkind to others? Or if everyone is arguing a lot? Or being aggravating to others? Is there ever a consequence after you’ve spoken to them about it several times that day?”

That was actually happening in our house yesterday. The solution? We suggested getting out of the house and going for a hike. The whole family took a lovely 1.5 mile climb up a local mountain, enjoyed the views, enjoyed each other, and got some exercise to boot. Sometimes, all it takes is a step away and a change of scenery. Sometimes, they need to retire to their own activities for awhile. Sometimes, it all stems from boredom. Sometimes, we need to help them figure out how to work it out. Sometimes, the best thing to do is give them the space to figure it out on their own.

It wouldn’t be very kind or loving to simply ignore it if a child is being abused (verbally or otherwise) by a sibling. Nor would it be kind or loving to dole out some type of punishment when what the child is asking for is help. So in that sense: yes, yes there’s a consequence. The consequence is that Mom and/or Dad steps in and 1) protects the child who is taking the brunt of it, and 2) helps the child who is dealing with feelings so big that he can’t find another way to handle them besides lashing out at his siblings…. whether it means extra attention, time alone, or a long, beautiful hike and a big, beautiful mountain.

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