Category Archives: gentle parenting

January 3, 2016 · 10:52 AM

5 Phrases To Use When Your Child Is Having a Hard Time

There’s an article getting passed around on social media right now titled, “5 Phrases That Will Make Your Kids Stop Crying and Begging.” The author sets the stage of a child who’s upset because she wasn’t allowed to get the candy she wanted at the grocery store. Using phrases such as “Asked and answered,” “This conversation is over,” and “The decision has been made. If you ask again there will be a consequence” will halt such tantrums on the spot, she tells us, and remind the child who’s boss. By the way – and I hope it’s not too much of a spoiler alert – when she says, “consequence”, what she really means is “punishment”.

Now I tend to be a parent who says, “yes” as much as possible. An occasional cookie or two before dinner, or an inexpensive impulse buy at the checkout lane don’t really rank on my list of things on which to draw a hard line. But even if they did? Even during those moments when I do absolutely have to say “no” to something? (And yes, to be sure, there are moments when I need to say no) That is a time to help them learn to work through their disappointment in a healthy way. It’s a time to hear them, and to empathize with them. It is NOT a time to ignore their feelings and shut them down. It is not a time for punishing them for being human. Being sad or disappointed sometimes is normal and okay!

Approaches like the one outlined in this article not only teach a child to squash their emotions. They are also extremely adversarial, and set up an “us vs them” mentality between parent and child. While some parents would advise that it’s simply a matter of learning to pick your battles, I never want to view any interaction with my child as a battle. We’re on the same team!

Here then are five alternative things I might say when my child is crying or disappointed.

I’m sorry.

When a dear friend is venting to you because he got passed over for a promotion, do you shut him down with a “This conversation is over”? Of course not. You tell him you’re sorry. To a toddler, that cookie is just as important as the promotion, and his feelings of sadness are real. I think adults probably tend to forget that, because social media has made it so easy for parents to share and pass off children’s big feelings over seemingly small things as funny or cute. But their feelings are genuine, and because they are young, they know no other way to express them other than through crying or yelling. As a parent you can either shut them down and essentially tell them to stop feeling what they’re feeling, or you can help them work through it, and by extension eventually learn more mature or sophisticated ways of expressing their emotions. I always strive to go with the latter, and it all starts with empathy.
I hear you.

Or I know, or it really stinks. I’ve been in and out of doctors’ offices a lot this year, especially the last few months. And while some of my symptoms are things that the doctor can see, or quantify on paper, some are completely subjective (like pain and fatigue.) This past week, one of my doctors said the best thing I’d heard in months. She said – and meant – “I believe you.” Seriously, it was huge for me. Anyone who’s ever suffered from a mystery ailment knows how incredibly frustrating it is to think that everyone around you is starting to believe that you’re just crazy. I think that one of the biggest things we need and desire as humans sharing this world is just to be heard. We want to know that someone is listening, that they are hearing what we are saying, and that they understand. Children are no different. Telling them that you’re sorry is a great place to start, but when you tell them that you hear them… that you understand… that YES, I know you wanted that cookie and it really sucks sometimes when we don’t get what we want… you’re taking it one step further, you’re validating their feelings, and you’re letting them know that you get it. That is a hugely powerful and healing thing, to kids and adults alike.
It’s okay to be sad.

Did you ever notice how often adults apologize for crying? They’ll be engaged in a conversation, and be overcome with emotion. They’ll well up, or a tear will escape, and they’ll shake their head and mutter, “I’m sorry,” while quickly brushing the tears away. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because it’s such a common practice to tell kids to stop crying. Are we creating a whole society of emotionally stunted adults? It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry. Giving your child a safe space to feel what they feel, and letting them know – whether through words or actions – that what they’re feeling is okay goes a long way towards helping them work through their emotions.
How can I help?

A couple of weeks ago, Tegan (7 at the time of this writing) was terribly disappointed about a cancelled play date and sleepover that she’d been so looking forward to for days. It had been a long time since I’d seen her that disappointed about something. She didn’t want to play, didn’t want to use the computer (ordinarily one of her favorite things) and didn’t want to talk to any friends. I hugged her, told her how sorry I was, and finally asked, “Do you want to do something with me to take your mind off it, or do you just need to be sad?” She answered, “I just need to be sad.” So she was. I sat with her on the couch, and I gave her space to be sad. I think our first response too often tends to err on the side of trying to cheer someone up, probably because we’re uncomfortable with expressions of big feelings (see number 3). But sometimes what a person needs is to just be sad. And sometimes they do want to be cheered up! The only way to know for sure is to ask, and in the case of a younger child, read and respect what they’re telling you non-verbally.
Next time….

In the case of the cancelled sleepover, there really wasn’t anything I could do to make it better, other than tell her I was sure we’d be able to reschedule for another time. (We were, and we did, and she had a great time). Sometimes though, depending on the child and the circumstance, it can be helpful to be specific about future plans:

“Next time we come to the store, we’ll get a balloon.”

“Payday is Friday, so we can get ice cream then.”

“We don’t have time to stop at the playground today, but we can go this weekend.” Etc.

And then be sure to follow through! The foundation of a good relationship with your children – of a good relationship with anyone – is trust, and letting them know 1) that you’re on their side, and 2) that your word is good goes a long way towards establishing that trust.

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Our interactions with our children should never be about manipulation and control. They should be about connection, and about helping these little people entrusted in our care to navigate the world with kindness, compassion and respect. Dealing with, and working through, emotions is a big part of being human, so the last thing we want to do is deny our children that experience…. especially when they can do it with their most trusted adult at their side.

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Filed under discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting

December 2, 2015 · 7:00 AM

Instead of Punishment: Where to Start

I have four kids who’ve never been spanked. I would like to say that they’ve never been punished at all, but while we’d resolved from the very beginning not to physically hurt our children, moving away from punishments completely took a little more time. Thankfully, our youngest three have grown up with no punishments of any kind (which, as it always stands to be said again, is not the same thing as growing up without discipline. The two words are not synonymous.)

For lots of other families though, the decision comes much later…. after they’ve already used spankings and/or timeouts and other traditional parenting methods. They’re convicted by something they’ve read, or by a friend or family member, or maybe just because they feel an inner stirring that something isn’t right. Whatever the reason, they resolve to stop spanking and punishing, and feel really confident about their decision.

And then – not always, but often – there’s that moment of sheer panic.

One question that I get a lot, in various forms, is this:

If I don’t spank, what do I do?

And I get it. I do. It’s one thing to embrace a philosophy, and quite another to feel equipped in that moment when your child sticks a pen through a sofa cushion just to see what will happen… or shoves (another) sandwich into the slot in the VCR… or throws her brothers shoes into a lake… *

The question is a good one, and the answer far too involved to fully cover in one blog post. My hope is that the following list will serve as a good place to start.

1. Change your perspective.

The reason that there’s no one single answer to the question, “What do you do instead of spanking?” is that moving away from punishments requires an entirely new mindset. It’s not a one-for-one deal. Punishments (and their cousins, rewards) reduce your interaction with your children to a transaction: you apply some sort of prescribed action, and you – hopefully – get a desired result. But that’s not the way respectful relationships work. At least it shouldn’t be! You shouldn’t try to control your children through punishment, fear, and manipulation tactics any more than you should do so to your spouse, or sister, or best friend. So while it is imperative that you learn and practice peaceful tools for dealing with stressful situations (more on that in point two), your entire perspective also needs to shift before you can really understand gentle parenting. It’s not about control; it’s about connection. It’s not about rules; it’s about relationships. You’re going to have to ask yourself, possibly over and over again, “Is what I’m about to do/say going to bring me and my child closer together, or draw us further apart?” But wait, that sounds like work. Wouldn’t it be easier just to spank? Well… yes! It takes time, and care, and effort to parent without punishments. In order to commit to parenting with more mindfulness and respect you need to be all in. You need to realize and recognize that your children aren’t yours to control, but are their own unique, living, breathing HUMANS, who deserve to be treated with as much care and consideration as you’d extend to any other person that you loved. The parent/child relationship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. And just like any key relationship, it needs to be nurtured in order to stay healthy and strong. Shifting your focus to your relationship with your child – and to making it sweeter, and kinder, and gentler – takes effort, to be sure, but it is by far one of the most rewarding things you can do….. for you and your child both.

2. Equip yourself with positive tools.

So you’re working on changing your perspective, you’re focused on the relationship… and then the 2 year old gets angry and hurls a remote control at her brother’s head. What do you do? The nice thing is that the more connected you are with your child, the easier it is to react with patience in the moment. You’ll know your child, you’ll know yourself, and you’ll figure out how best to problem-solve together. Before you can problem-solve though, you need to diffuse the immediate issue. Here are a few great places to start:

Breathe. It sounds like a cliche, but it’s not. Unless someone’s in imminent danger, your very first response (especially if you’re angry or frustrated) needs to be breathing! Take a deep breath before you speak. Take 20, or 100. Intentional breathing sends oxygen through your body, releases endorphins, slows your heart rate, calms your adrenaline, and reduces stress and anxiety.

Listen. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Really stop and listen to what your child is trying to tell you. Are they tired? Frustrated? Angry? Not feeling heard? Just experimenting? Find out the WHY behind the behavior, and you’ll know better how to proceed.

Empathize. One of the most powerful and healing gifts someone can give us is empathy, and children are no exception. Let them know that you hear what they’re saying, and that you understand how they’re feeling.

Redirect. So much of what young children are punished for is completely normal and age-appropriate explorations. Children learn from these explorations, so the last thing we want to do is punish them for it! Instead, when your child does something unsafe, unkind, etc, consistently stop the behavior with a simple explanation (the younger the child, the fewer the words you should use), and move them on to a new activity. With time and patience – and a parent by their side – they learn.

Take a time-IN. Sometimes, what everyone needs is a change of scenery. Pretty much the opposite of a time-out, which separates you from your child at a moment when they’re most needing connection, a time-in gives you both a chance to breathe, re-group, and get re-connected, together. A time-in can consist of any sort of new activity that you and your child find enjoyable. There’s a long list of suggestions here.

3. Walk beside them as they learn to safely navigate the world.

One of the things that I hear people say a lot is that they only spank for the most serious of infractions, such as safety issues. I call it the, “But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” defense. And it sounds reasonable enough. If ever there was a time to spank, it’d be when their life was on the line, right? But I couldn’t disagree more. I actually think that safety issues are one of the weakest arguments for spanking, and here’s why: any good parent’s gut instinct is going to tell them to react, and react in a hurry, if their child is in harm’s way. Your toddler’s headed for a busy street, you react. Your baby’s about to stick a fork into an electrical outlet, you react. And your facial expression, your words, your tone of voice, and your body language as you quickly move them to safety teach them everything they need to know…. without teaching them that they also need to fear pain at your hands as they’re learning. Navigate life with them. Hold their hands when they cross the street. Show them how to safely carry scissors and make toast and start a fire. Help them keep their footing on the rocky trail. BE THERE with them as they figure out how life works, and they will naturally gain confidence and independence, all without ever having been punished for getting it wrong.

4. Show them what respect looks like.

Along the same lines as number 3, children are not born knowing how to interact respectfully with the people around them. They count on us as their parents to show them. They don’t need punishments to learn that words are more effective than hitting for solving conflicts. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s unkind to call somebody stupid. They don’t need punishments to learn that it’s impolite to tell Grandma that the dinner she spent two hours making tastes “gross.” What they need is a parent who shows up; who shows them what it means to be respectful; who intervenes when they’re doing something that makes someone else feel sad, or scared, or uncomfortable; who interacts with them, and for them as they learn the intricacies of sharing our planet with others. One of the biggest misconceptions that I think people have about gentle parenting is that it is the same thing as permissive parenting. The two are actually polar opposites. One is conscientious, and the other is neglect. If you see a parent who is sitting back and just watching as her child does something that is disrespectful or somehow harmful to someone else… that is not a gentle parent. That is someone who is failing to be a parent.

Show up. Be there. Help them navigate.

5. Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s ALL small stuff).

A couple of years ago, a video went around Facebook that showed the aftermath of two unattended kids with a 5 lb bag of flour. There was flour all down the hallway. On the couches. On the chairs. On the kids. In the carpet. In the drapes. Flour everywhere. All five pounds of it. Part of me for sure felt sympathy for the mom who filmed it because I’ve been there. And oof. The clean-up. But another part me said, “Eh. Small stuff.” If you’re going to have kids, you’re going to have messes. Things are going to be broken and spilled and smeared and dumped and spread. It’s all part of the experience. And the greatest thing I learned between child one and child four (besides to stop and take a picture before I do anything else, because those photos are treasured later) is that that stuff just doesn’t matter. People matter. Love matters. Messes, accidents…. it’s all just “stuff.” Not worth getting upset over, and certainly not worth yelling or punishing over. And just like with anything else, with time and patience and consistency, they really do learn to keep the flour in the bag.

6. Know their triggers (and yours).

Stop me if this sounds familiar. You head out bright and early with your toddler to run a long list of errands. You know he’s going to be missing his morning nap, but he’ll catch a few minutes of sleep in the car. He’s pretty amiable for the first few stops. He helps pick out the apples at the grocery store. He enjoys his lollipop from the bank teller. He starts getting antsy at the dry cleaners, pulling at your pant legs, whining, and rubbing his eyes. Back in the car, you reach in your bag to get his little tupperware container of Cheerios, but realize you left it on the kitchen counter. You know you should probably head home, but you decide to squeeze in just one more stop. You’re in the drug store when he reaches meltdown mode. He cries when you pick him up, and cries harder when you set him down. Tired, hungry, bored, and overstimulated, he doesn’t want to walk, doesn’t want to be carried, and eventually settles for sitting on the floor as the tears fall and the screams escalate.

We’ve all got our triggers. And we’ve all got our breaking points. If adults get cranky and unreasonable when they’re tired and hungry (and we all know adults for whom this is the case, or we *are* an adult for whom this is the case) how much more understandable is it for a child? Taking care to ensure that basic needs are met, that kids are fed and rested and attended to can go a long way towards more peaceful outings and more pleasant interactions for all. My kids are older now – at the time of this writing they are 18, 15, 11, and 7 – but even now I know who isn’t at their happiest in the mornings. I know who is very sensitive to the feeling of being left out. I know who works best when their surroundings are neat and tidy. I know who has a hard time handling even a small lack of sleep. Being aware, and respectful of, both our own triggers and the triggers of our children allows us to treat each other with more care, and more kindness. It is categorically unfair, not to mention incredibly unkind, to ignore someone’s personal “buttons”, and then punish them for the reaction that we knew was coming.

7. Practice the golden rule.

A lot of parents seem want to want to demand respect from their children, just because they’re the adults, but don’t treat their children in a manner that’s particularly deserving of that respect. The age-old adage of treating others the way you’d like to be treated yourself applies not just equally, but more when it comes to your children. They are looking to you as their example. They are learning from you how to treat people. If you want your children to be respectful, treat them with respect. If you want your children to be polite, be polite when you speak to them (and to each other!). If you want your children to embody kindness and compassion and humility and generosity, show them what it looks like.

8. Take care of YOU.

There seems to be a general push by society to get away from your kids. From the importance of regular “date nights”, to putting them in daycare and preschool at a young age, to extended vacations without them… there’s no shortage of advice telling us to separate. I tend to believe the opposite: I think it’s very important that we’re with our kids as much as possible (especially when they’re young), and that true independence will happen naturally and easily when it’s allowed to happen on their time, not ours.

That doesn’t mean though that I don’t think self-care is important! On the contrary, it’s almost impossible to properly care for someone else when you’re not first taking good care of yourself. Even when you need to force yourself – or more accurately, especially when you need to force yourself – caring for your own needs (be they physical, social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, creative….) is an integral part of parenting well. I can’t speak for all moms, but I find it way too easy to lose myself in my kids, and go go go until I’m exhausted and cranky and burnt out. And I learned somewhere along the way that when the kids and I get off-track, when people are out of sorts, when behavior starts getting wonky…. nine times out of ten it’s because I’ve been neglecting myself, which then caused me to be snippy and impatient and disconnected. When I focus on taking better care of me, I’m able to then have the proper wherewithal to give my kids what they need as well. Kids need a parent who is fully invested. And in another cliche that’s turned out to be true: You can’t fill your kids’ cups until you’ve filled your own.

[color-box] BONUS: Looking for more specific suggestions for when your child hits, or tells you “no”, or has a hard time transitioning? Download my free PDF, listing ten of the most common (and most frustrating) toddler/young child behaviors, along with specific examples of what you can say and how you can respond gently and without punishment. [/color-box]

Moving beyond punishment, and parenting with connection instead of control, takes deliberate and mindful choices, as well as an ongoing commitment and effort (at times, a lot of effort). And the reward is not in some hypothetical promise of how my kids are going to “turn out” some day. No, the beauty of gentle parenting is in the relationship that I enjoy with my kids right now… a relationship that’s sweeter and closer and more connected than I know it would be otherwise. Having children that are kind hearted and respectful and compassionate? That’s just a bonus.

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P.S. I am working on a month long, premium course that dives much deeper into each of the eight points above. Make sure you’re on my mailing list if you’d like to receive a notification of its release.

* Examples may or may not have been taken from my own life.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

June 25, 2015 · 9:57 AM

Twelve Ways to Raise Children That Are Generous and Kind

I read an article this morning that outlined the many ways the author felt that parents were creating “entitled and rude” children. This isn’t about one specific article though (such articles are a dime a dozen. If you Googled, “entitled children” you’d have no shortage of results). It’s not even about dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of articles. It’s about this pernicious and widespread belief that children need to be FORCED into being grateful, and generous, and kind…. as if such a thing were even possible.

Is there a problem with entitlement in our society today? Sure, although I’d argue that it’s more prevalent among adults than children. But the answer to the problem isn’t more rules; it’s more connection.

Less coercion; more compassion.

Less demanding; more listening.

Less requiring; more modeling.

If mainstream media is to be believed, the key to raising “good” kids lies in things like strict bedtimes, prompted “please” and “thank you’s”, forced household chores, and making darn sure you don’t buy them everything they want. Many of these articles would be more appropriate advice for an employer/employee relationship than that of parent and child.

What I believe is a ~~little bit~~ a lot different. And while I can’t speak for any other kids out there, I can speak for my own, who are pretty much the opposite of entitled and rude.

Here then are twelve parental strategies that I do stand behind, every one of which I believe contributes to raising children who are gracious, generous and kind.

1. DO be generous with them. There is much ado made about not buying your children the latest and greatest gadgets, toys, and electronics, lest they become too spoiled. And yes, absolutely, buying “things” in place of your time and attention is problematic. But if we want our children to grow up to be giving and generous to those around them, wouldn’t it only make sense that we are first giving and generous towards them? It’s human nature to want to give to those we love. As parents, we’re in the unique position of being able to give through our time, our presence, our love, and, when circumstances permit it, through the various material things that make life more fun, interesting, and enriching. I love being able to give to my children, whether it’s picking up their favorite kind of juice at the grocery store, or surprising them with a wished-for video game snuck into their Christmas stocking. I couldn’t imagine actually withholding something from my children – or from anyone for that matter – just to teach them some kind of lesson.

2. DO let them see you being generous to others. A popular blogger recently posted a video of herself leaving food for a homeless person. While I definitely don’t think that those sorts of things are meant to be made public, I do think that it’s wonderful – and important – to involve your children in the giving you do to others. Let them see how it’s a part of your day-to-day life. Take them with you when you volunteer. Talk to them about what it means to truly share with the people around you. Show them ways you can bless other people. I am a huge, huge fan of Christmas, and exchanging gifts with loved ones. But for the past several years, my favorite part of the holidays has been deciding who to gift outside of our own little circle, and it is a family decision every time. Kids don’t need to be told, or coerced, or forced into giving to others. They just need to see it.

3. DO treat them how you want to be treated. Sometimes I fear I will sound like a broken record, because it’s something I repeat so often. But mindful and gentle parenting can be summed up in this one little point. If you want your kids to be kind, show them kindness. If you want your kids to be respectful, show them respect. If you want your kids to be polite, show them what it means to be polite. If you want your kids to be generous, show them generosity. So often parents want to demand respect from their kids, without stopping and asking themselves if they’ve even showed them what true respect looks like. As parents, we are the first and biggest influence on how our children treat others. Be nice to your kids, especially if you’re going to expect them to be nice to others.

4. DO be their soft place to fall. Life is sometimes full of foibles and disappointments… from the small (the movie you desperately wanted to see is sold out; you failed your math test), to the major (your long-term relationship ends; you get laid off at work), to the vast chasm in between (you get cut from the basketball team; you drop and break your $600 phone). Over and over I see parents cautioned against trying to “fix” their child’s problems or disappointments. We should let them fail, we’re told, because it builds character. Because they’ll be better for it in the long run. Because they need to learn life isn’t always fair. Well, life isn’t always fair; this much is true. And we can’t always fix everything for our kids. What we can do? We can be there for them, every time. We can be that soft place to land. We can be that shoulder to cry on. We can be the one to give them the time and space they need to process. We can be the one, when the situation lends itself, to help them figure out what to do next. And they, in turn, will become the ones who will be that person for someone else.

5. DO be their friend. Oh what a bad rap that word gets when it comes to parenting! But a friend is simply someone who is there for you. Someone you can trust. Someone who listens. Someone who encourages you, cheers you on, and holds your hand. Someone who gives honest advice. Someone who has seen you at your best, and your worst. Someone who lets you be you, and loves you unconditionally. I will always, always be that person for my kids, with no disclaimers and no apologies.

6. DO let them have a voice. I think that one of the most important things we can do for our kids is to empower them to form their own opinions, forge their own paths, and make as many of their own decisions as possible, so that – among so many other reasons – they know they are valued, they can gain confidence in themselves, and they will have the ability to stand up for what is right. To that end, my kids are always free to say anything to me. They have a voice in this house, and everyone’s voice matters. We don’t operate our home as a dictatorship, but as a TEAM. If my kids are sad or scared or frustrated or angry, I want to know about it! I want to honor it, and I want them to know that we will always provide that safe place for them to express themselves…. no matter what it is they may be in need of expressing.

7. DO listen to them. Let them know that what’s important to them is important to you, whether they’re talking about Barbies or a TV show or a special rock they found outside. Kids generally desperately want to invite you into their world. Accept their invitation! It’s not just important for your relationship right now, it’s also an investment into the relationship that you want to continue to grow stronger and closer into the future as your children mature. “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ~ Catherine M Wallace

8. DO spend time with them. At the time of this writing, my children are 18, nearly 15, 11, and 7. I’ve lately been going through the profoundly bittersweet realization that my role in their lives is changing. We still spend time together (one of my very favorite things to do is to go watch arena football games, and it recently occurred to me that one of the big reasons why is that it is something all six of us still do together as a family) We still enjoy spending time together. But it is in a wholly different way than during the toddler years, when I was largely their main companion. It’s a cliche, but those years really do go by so fast. So, so fast! If I could give just one piece of advice to new parents, it would often be: Have the tea parties. Play dress-up. Jump on the trampoline. Get on the floor with the legos and the ponies and the Matchbox cars. Spend hours coloring in the sheet fort in the living room. Play with your kids. Show up, and really be there. One day you’ll blink and they’ll be teenagers, opting to stay home to hold down the fort and take care of the pets while you take the two little ones camping. They’ll start spreading their wings – and it’ll be good! But oh, so bittersweet.

9. DO let them know that extrinsic rewards such as grades, fancy degrees, and big paychecks are not how they should define their worth. We have homeschooled since day one. My children have never been to school, and I have never bought into the system that says that you can measure progress or intelligence or knowledge by a letter grade on a test. My kids – and yours! – are so much more than that. They’re more than a GPA. They’re more than an ivy league school. They’re more than a BMW parked in the driveway. I don’t ever want my children to use any of the above as a yardstick to measure other people, so I’m not going to start by using it as yardstick to measure them. I want them to see the people beneath the fluff. I want them to see the things that you can’t put down on paper. The things that aren’t listed on report cards. The things that matter. I want them to see hearts. Kindness. Generosity. Determination. Strength. Resiliency. Joy. I don’t want them to aspire to be what the world defines as “successful”, but to what they define as successful. They have their own paths, and the best thing I can do as their mother is honor it. Encourage it. Support it. NOT stifle it by trying to manipulate or force them into a box of my own choosing.

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

~Emerson

10. DON’T punish them for being kids. Better yet, don’t punish them at all. A writer friend of mine has likened young children to aliens. The first time I saw that comparison, I’ll admit it caused a bonafide head tilt. But the analogy is actually pretty spot-on. Children are brand-new to this planet. They’re learning how to navigate the world. They’re learning how to get what they want. They’re learning how polite society works. They’re learning how to communicate. They’re learning how to handle frustration. They’re learning how to treat others. Our job as parents is to patiently and lovingly stand beside them and guide them and be their partner in learning. Punishing a child who’s still learning (and we’re all still learning) is unkind at best, and incredibly damaging at worst. Instead, work with your child, not against him. Help him problem-solve. A child who is having a tantrum, for example, is trying to tell you something. Lean into the moment and truly listen.

By the always wonderful L.R. Knost:

Discipline is helping a child solve a Problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solution not retribution.

11. DON’T try to force them to be kind or have good manners. I always cringe a little bit when I hear a well-meaning parent chirping at their child with, “What do you say??” when they think a “thank you” is warranted. It feels awkward and embarrassing and – ironically – not particularly polite. If you want your child to use “please” and “thank you”… use “please” and “thank you” with your child. If you want your child to interact respectfully with family members and strangers and waiters and bus drivers and mailmen and doctors, interact respectfully yourself. If you want your children to be generous and kind and patient… if you want them to listen to others, to respect each other’s differences, to be caring and thoughtful in their interactions… show them what that looks like. There is no greater influence in a child’s life (or at least there shouldn’t be!) than the one he experiences in his own home. That’s where it all starts. Let him live it. Let him experience it. The only way a child can pass on loving kindness to someone else is if he first knows what it feels like to receive it.

12. DON’T treat them like second-class citizens. I saved this one for last because it’s at once the most important concept to understand, and for many people the most difficult. Our society has been so ingrained to think that it is normal and okay that most people never even question it. Most people never even see it. Our children are not ours to micromanage, control, or manipulate. They’re not house pets that need to be trained, nor robots that need to be programmed. I always find it so ironic that articles proclaiming to show you how to raise respectful kids often prescribe such blatantly disrespectful behavior on the parents’ part. Children are human beings that we have invited into our lives. They didn’t ask to be here. They are our invited guests. Our job as parents isn’t to shape them or mold them but to love them. Honor them. Respect them. Listen to them. SHOW them what it means to walk in kindness and love. SHOW them what it means to navigate the world with respect for self, and respect for others. SHOW them what it means to be a person of value (hint: they’re a person of value right now. So am I. So are you.)

Parenting well is about love. It’s always been about love. Somewhere along the way the love got lost amongst the rules. The requirements. The rigidity. The idea that our kids are somehow our property, instead of what they actually are: living, breathing, heart beats and souls walking around the earth, deserving of as much respect as anyone else. Except, more respect actually, because they are our children.

Want to raise kids that are loving and kind? Immerse them in love and kindness.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting

March 16, 2015 · 8:15 AM

Mom Guilt, And Why You Need To Lose It

Photo Credit: Nina H

Last week, another blogger whose opinion I greatly respect and admire, posted an update that read in part:

I will never, ever forgive myself for allowing my precious baby to be circumcised. I don’t believe I should ever be forgiven by anybody for it. The buck stops here.

I genuinely think it was the first time I ever disagreed with her (which is exactly what I said when I commented). She and I both share the same – very real – regret. It is my biggest parental regret to be sure. I’m thankful we were given the opportunity to make different decisions for our younger boys.

But I’ve forgiven myself.

I believe very strongly that you have to forgive yourself if you want to be a healthy and vibrant and positive parent….. whether your regret is an unnecessary cosmetic surgery, or inadvertently snapping at your daughter when you were sleep deprived. You simply cannot be the parent (or the person, for that matter) you were meant to be if you stubbornly refuse to forgive yourself for your offenses.

Forgiving yourself does not mean you’re letting yourself off the hook. It does not mean that what you did is suddenly okay. It does not mean that you’re not taking accountability for your actions.

It means:

to give up resentment against. To stop wanting to punish. To stop feeling angry or resentful for an offense, flaw or mistake.

In other words, it simply means you release yourself from the negative and destructive feelings – you guys, these feelings are so destructive! – about the event in question. It means that you show yourself grace… that you recognize you’re a human being who makes mistakes, and that you deserve to conduct your life without carrying around a heavy burden of guilt. No good ever comes from guilt.

If you let guilt take residence, it eats you from the inside. When it remains unchecked, you become that guilt. Everything you do, say, and feel is then filtered through that guilt. It colors everything. It darkens everything. It affects the way you interact with yourself, with the world around you, and with your children.

When my kids make mistakes (and they do make mistakes, because they’re human), I don’t want them to ever live under guilt. Self-reflection, yes. Self-responsibility, yes. But never guilt. So it’s not something I want to model for them. I don’t want my children seeing mom view life through a lens of guilt. I want my children seeing mom owning her mistakes, learning from them, and doing better the next time.

I want to tell my kids,

You’re not a product of your mistakes. You’re a product of your triumphs.

Our mistakes teach us. They help refine us. They help shape us. But they do NOT define us. Living under guilt and failing to forgive ourselves for our mistakes makes our life become about the very mistake that we want to move beyond. And how can you ever truly grow and heal and move beyond a mistake if you refuse to release it? (Spoiler: you can’t)

Guilt does not serve you. Guilt is self-centered and narcissistic. It wants to steal from you. And as long as you allow it to stay, it will do exactly that.

If you’re going to offer your children grace, and kindness, and forgiveness (and I’d like to believe that if you’re here reading this that you do in fact want to offer those things to your children), you need to first extend it to yourself.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting

March 3, 2015 · 1:02 PM

Q & A – What Do You Do When The Other Parent Isn’t On Board?

Carrie asks,

What are your suggestions when the other parent isn’t on board with unschooling and gentle parenting?

First, an example of what not to do:

Several years ago, my family went to an unschooling conference in San Diego. We’d been unschooling for many years, but the inspiration and experienced words you hear at conferences often gives you the little push you need to take it to the “next level.” I’d heard something that really resonated, and I was all pumped up and excited in my resolve to further support my kids in their autonomy. Unfortunately, I sometimes have trouble toning down the “pumped up and excited” and have a tendency to jump headfirst, and expect everyone else to jump with me. Anyway, we went to lunch late that day. We were all starving, and probably a little bit grumpy, and there was some sort of issue with one of the kids and what they wanted to order. I – in all my new-found wisdom – wanted to handle it one way, and my husband wanted to handle it another way. I (in retrospect, most likely not very kindly) said something along the lines of, “Remember what so-and-so just said?? That’s not respectful! We need to give him more of a voice! We need to do it this way!”

My husband immediately – and understandably – told me to relax please, that changes took time, and that I couldn’t expect him to immediately overhaul his parenting techniques. And he was right. (He’s often right.)

So, first, I recommend not picking a fight in the middle of a sandwich shop. Changes do take time, and you can’t expect them to happen overnight… or, in the case of my own lofty and misguided expectations, in 30 minutes.

The heart of a successful, peaceful, cohesive unschooling family is a strong, healthy relationship between Mom and Dad. That’s where it starts. Not in a “united front” against the kids kind of way, but in a loving, connected, “we’re both on your side” kind of way. Even parents who are no longer a couple need to work together to peacefully and respectfully co-parent as a team. Unschooling will not work if there are major disagreements between parents that have been allowed to become an area of contention between both parties. The relationship needs to come first.

On a practical level, let him see through your actions the benefits of what it is you’re wanting to do. Be the kind of gentle parent that you want to be. Don’t bombard him with information, but share when/if he’s receptive, in a way that’s appropriate to his style of learning (some people do better with reading, others with watching, others with listening, etc). Wait until everything’s calm and peaceful to bring up the tough subjects. Don’t accuse. Listen to what he has to say. Decide what areas you can compromise on, and what areas will really be a non-negotiable. I could personally compromise in a lot of ways if it meant keeping the peace in my relationship – and by extension, the peace in the family – but I wouldn’t compromise on spanking, for instance. There would be no circumstance where that would be okay with me.

Give it lots of time, and give him lots of grace. Treat him with kindness. Be patient.

And whatever you do, don’t broach the subject when one or both of you is hungry.

2 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, Q and A, unschooling

February 17, 2015 · 10:20 AM

Q & A – My Child Calls Me Mean

Photo credit: Mindaugas Danys

Chelsea asks:

How can I move past my children calling me, “mean”? I’ve stopped yelling, and I’m working to be a more gentle parent. But my four year old gets very aggressive when he’s excited or disappointed or angry, and he lashes out at me.

First, awesome job on quitting the yelling! It takes work to break old, ingrained habits, especially when they’ve become the default response in stressful/frustrating situations, so moving beyond that is a big hurdle in and of itself.

Your son’s lashing out could very well be a subconscious reaction to your new style of parenting, especially if these changes are recent (Ie: Mom’s not yelling anymore. This is new. Will THIS make her yell? What if I say THAT?) He could be adjusting to the new normal, testing out the safe boundaries, and assuring himself that yes, you’re still going to be calm and patient even when he’s not being calm and patient back. As time passes, he will become more confident in your relationship, and more comfortable with the fact that he doesn’t need to resort to lashing out in order to be heard.

-OR-

It could simply be due to personality, and/or a normal developmental stage. Even the most mild-mannered of my children went through a stage at around 3 or 4 years where they were more angry, argumentative, and prone to things like eye-rolling and disapproval with me in general. That age is a huge age for asserting independence and autonomy, and for figuring out who they are both within the family, and separate from Mom and Dad. They’re not babies anymore, but they’re not yet big kids either. One minute they want to be cuddled and rocked to sleep, and the next they want to run across the street with the “big kids.” Their feelings are big, and often confusing or scary, and they need a safe place to let them out. It’s hard to be a kid sometimes.

So how do you handle it, in either case?

In short: Patience, understanding, and consistency.

Even though it may feel personal, it’s not. It’s not about you at all (unless you really are being mean :)). It’s about your child and his big feelings. What he needs when he lashes out at you is to feel safe and heard. When he yells at you or calls you mean, first take a breath (or a few) so that you can answer calmly. Sometimes when the moment is especially heated, I’ll deliberately lower my voice to just above a whisper. It ensures that I’m not yelling, and it helps both my child and myself calm down, as well as work to start diffusing the overall situation.

Some people will tell you to ignore it when your child says something negative/unkind to you, but I’m not a fan of ignoring children…. especially during a moment when what they’re needing is connection! It’s also not particularly helpful in terms of learning about resolving conflicts, standing up for themselves, or working through issues in their relationships. I think that your children need to know that you’re “all in”, even when they’re being unkind.

Once you’re able to answer calmly, you can let him know that you’re there to help, and that you’re not going anywhere:

Child – “YOU’RE SO MEAN!”

Mom – “I’m sorry you feel that way. You sound really angry. What do you need me to do to help you?”

Sometimes, a calm conversation is enough. Sometimes, the child really is just that angry, and needs to run around or punch a pillow or go outside and yell. If it’s not anger, but disappointment or excitement instead; the same principles hold true. The goal is to work with – not against – your child, to help him find safe and appropriate outlets for expressing his feelings.

If there aren’t extenuating circumstances, it really will get better with time, patience, and love. And if it helps for commiseration sake, my child who most resembled yours at age 4, is now the most laid-back, calm, and tender-hearted teen you’d ever hope to meet.

3 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Q and A

November 14, 2014 · 7:24 PM

Ten Tips for Happier Living With Your Teenager

I love teenagers.

I’m lucky enough to have two (so far) of my own, but I love getting to borrow other people’s teens as well.

Teens are awesome. They’re smart and funny and interesting, and some of the most multi-faceted people I know. One minute they have more maturity than an adult …. and the next they’re simply really tall children, embracing all the sense of play and wonder that too many people lose as they get older. One of my favorite memories of the conference was when I peeked into the teen room at one point to see that all the tables had been tipped on their sides, pushed together, and covered with table cloths to make a really huge fort… much like a toddler would do with sheets in the living room. 🙂 Even now, nearly two months later, it still makes me smile.

They’re wonderful.

Which is why, when I read articles like the one I just read that advised controlling your teen through shame and humiliation, one of the many things I feel is genuine fear that people are missing out on what could potentially be one their favorite stages of life with their children.

And yes, there are challenges, as there are at any age, in any relationship. Parenting a teenager is a whole different ball game than parenting a younger child, to be sure. But the answer to the struggles is not more control, but more understanding.

Here then are 10 things that help my relationship with my teens stay as close and connected as it was when they were little:

1. Respect their need to hibernate – When Spencer (now 17) was going through puberty, he started sleeping…. a LOT. It honestly felt like he was sleeping 20 hours a day, although I’m sure it wasn’t really that much. When he wasn’t sleeping, he was lounging with a remote or a PS3 control, and my formally talkative, animated kid mostly grunted to me in response. I was starting to get genuinely concerned until I started asking my friends with older kids and they all assured me that it is very very normal, and that my job was to basically just keep on loving him and not try to change him. The fresh perspective helped when Paxton started going through it a couple years later. “Yes! I remember this! And it’s okay.” Teens hibernate sometimes. They’re going through major changes and they may withdraw/sleep/grump for weeks or months or years. It’s okay. Respect it.

2. Respect their right to privacy – I can think of no way quicker way to break trust (with anyone, but particularly with a teenager) than by snooping through their things, demanding personal information, or not respecting their space. YES, be involved in their lives. YES, have open lines of communication. YES, work with them to help keep them safe. But rifling through rooms and phones and Facebook accounts only destroys trust, creates feelings of violation, and widens the gulf between you.

3. Respect their individuality – I have two very different teenagers. One’s a sharer. One holds his cards very close to his chest. One’s an extrovert. One needs to spend massive amounts of time in his room to recover after any sort of event. One has a wickedly dry sense of humor. One laughs when someone says “balls.” I love them both equally, and I love spending time with them both equally, but my time spent with each is different, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect anything else. Allowing someone to be themselves is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, especially during teenhood, a time when their sense of self can be so tenuous.

4. Remember what it was like to be a teenager – I was 15 the first time I truly got my heart broken by a boy. Whenever I think of being a teen, that immediately springs to mind. But whether it was boys or teachers or peer pressure or betrayals of false friends or just feeling like NOBODY UNDERSTANDS, being a teen was HARD. Life felt like an emergency. All. The. Time. My body was changing; Hormones were raging; I was trying to figure out who I was, where I fit, what the world meant. I was stressed out and confused and uncomfortable in my own skin. Now, admittedly I don’t see nearly as much of that in my own teens (some of which can probably be attributed to genetics, and some to unschooling). Their transition to teenhood has been a much smoother ride, and they’re generally drama-free. But. There are moments, for sure, that are difficult, and the very best that I can do to help is truly remember how it felt so I can listen sincerely, empathize honestly, and when there is nothing else to say, offer a genuine, “Yeah, life really sucks sometimes. But it does get better.”

5. Encourage their independence – Earlier this fall, Paxton flew to Michigan (at 14) to stay with friends for a couple of weeks. This was a first for both of us, and I missed him terribly – I’ve faced up to the fact that I just feel the best when all of my chicks are “in the nest” – but it was an amazing and important trip for him, and one that gave him the confidence to do more traveling on his own. So while my instinct nearly told me to throw my arms around his ankles and beg him not to go (in a slightly less dramatic fashion, of course), I knew that it was a positive thing for both of us. Letting go is just as much a part of parenting as holding on, from the small ways to the large, and being a parent to a teenager means letting go again and again. Independence is an important part of a child’s growing autonomy, especially as a teen, and it’s our job to honor it. BUT,

6. Don’t PUSH their independence – There’s no magic age at which a person needs to: get a job, get a driver’s license, or for that matter, fly solo across the country to visit a friend.Everyone’s path is different; everyone’s time-table is different. Life is not a race to the finish line. One person’s journey is not better than another’s, and it’s remarkably unfair as a parent to compare. Sometimes a teen needs wings to fly. Sometimes he needs someone to sit by his side and say, “I’ll be here as long as you need me.” It doesn’t matter what your niece or your friend’s son or the go-getter across the street is doing. What your child needs from you is for you to support THEM, exactly as they are. Encouraging, cheering, supporting…. but never PUSHING before they’re ready.

7. Check in with them often – Remember the hibernating from point #1? It can be SO easy to just let them do their thing and only say hello if you happen to cross paths when they finally got hungry enough to come out to the kitchen to make a sandwich. And, for sure, there is a certain degree of giving them their space that’s not just okay but necessary. But relationships can’t exist in a vaccuum. They need consistent care in order to thrive. Have dinner together.Find out what’s new. Bring her a fun snack when she’s at her computer. Ask him about the book he’s reading. Surprise them with the movie they’ve been wanting to see. You can’t maintain a healthy relationship without connections, and you can’t have connections without taking the time to make them.

8. Be interested and interesting – One of the truly fun things about having teens is that they’re able to discuss and have opinions about more “grown up” things like current events, shared TV shows, or politics. I love getting my boys’ perspective on all of the above, and I share my own thoughts freely. Similarly, I show an interest in their interests (which, admittedly doesn’t always come naturally. I’m not a video game player for instance, and all of my kids are. I’m learning) If it’s important to them, I respect it. I listen to their stories. I share articles/websites/videos that I think they’ll be interested in. I share of myself too! I’ll tell them the funny thing that happened when I was at yoga. I’ll talk about the blog post I’m writing. In short, I involve them in my life, and – when I’m invited – I involve myself in theirs.

9. Don’t take everything personally – So, I’m sensitive, and I have a tendency to get my feelings hurt easily, especially when it comes to the kids. Experience has taught me that this is NOT a helpful trait, particularly in the arena of parenting teens. As I said above, being a teen can be hard, and that hardness sometimes spills, leaks, or spews out as something resembling sarcasm or sullenness or anger or selfishness. In other words, they’re human, just like the rest of us, doing their best to deal with life and circumstances and big, big changes. I remember once when one of my boys and I went through a phase when we were seemingly butting heads daily, and I inevitably went to bed with my feelings hurt just about every time. It was just a season – in hindsight, it didn’t last long, but in the moment it felt like it went on forever. At the height of it, I cried – bawled – one day in the car, hurt because we’d had plans together and he backed out at the last minute. I allowed myself that sadness, but then I took a step back and reminded myself: “It’s not about me.” I’d gotten hurt with collateral damage, yes, but it was really, truly not about me. It was just something he was going through, a messy period of growth, and my internalizing it and getting all visibly upset about it not only didn’t help, but also just prolonged the problem. Once I recognized that, and emotionally extricated myself from the situation, it gave him the space to work through whatever it was he was working through, he realized I was on his side, and our relationship rapidly improved.

10. Don’t be afraid to be their friend – No, not someone who just tells them what they want to hear, and not someone who’s only around for the fun stuff, but an actual friend. Listen without judgement, accept them for who they are, be someone they can trust at all times. Be the one they can ask about last week’s Breaking Bad, AND about last weeks election. Be the one they feel they can come to with their celebrations AND their heartache.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Above all, be their constant. Their unshakable, unmovable rock in a world and life that’s so rife with change and uncertainty. It’ll be hard sometimes, but it’ll also be oh so very very worth it. Because despite what the overly negative, mainstream, “Just wait till your kids are teens” admonitions may try to tell you, teens are amazing. And the person who gets to parent one (or 2 or 3 or 4) is a lucky, lucky parent indeed.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, teens

November 10, 2014 · 1:18 PM

Being a Parent AND a Friend: Why I’ll Never Separate The Two

As an advocate of homeschooling, I forever hear the question, “But what about socialization?” and am inevitably filled with frustration. It’s not the asker’s fault of course, but it is a question born of a lack of understanding. A lack of understanding about homeschooling, and an even larger lack of understanding of the word “socialization.”

When it comes to parenting, the socialization conversation’s pesky little cousin tends to be, “It’s not my job to be their friend; it’s my job to be the PARENT.” Again and again it comes up on blogs, on parenting sites, and on social media.

“Be their PARENT, not their FRIEND.” No matter how it’s packaged, worded, or framed, it all says the same thing, and issues the same dire warning. Whatever you do, no matter how much you’re tempted, for the love of all that is good and holy, never mix friendship with parenting.

I see these words, and I hear these warnings, and I can never help but think of that ubiquitous line from The Princess Bride:

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I’ve decided that people are just really, really confused about the meaning of the word, “friend.” That’s the only possible explanation I can think of for a why a person (or a lot of persons) would not only fail to see its importance in parenting, but actually deliberately EXCLUDE it, at any time, from their relationship with their children.

A friend is someone with whom you have a deep connection. Someone you respect, and who respects you. Someone you can trust, implicitly. Someone who encourages you, cheers you on, and believes in your dreams. Someone who has your back, no matter what. Someone who LETS YOU BE YOU. Someone who listens without judgement, gives honest advice, and always has your best interest at heart. Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst. Someone who isn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit, and still loves you just the same. Someone who lifts you up when you’re down, catches you when you fall, and provides a port in the middle of your storm. Someone who, if you text to say “I need you” at 2 in the morning, no matter the reason, no matter the circumstances, will steadfastly respond “I’ll be right there.” Someone who, even when it feels like the rest of the world has conspired against you, is on your side.

I’m going to be that person for my kids. Every time, in all situations. With no disclaimers and no apology.

Why on earth would anyone choose NOT to be that person for their kids?

And I’m told I misunderstand. That when people say, “Be the parent, not the friend” that what they really mean is that you shouldn’t make decisions with the goal of getting your children to like you. But that’s not a friend. (And I’d also argue that if you’re doing/saying things that cause the people in your life not to like you, perhaps that’s something to examine in and of itself)

They’ll say that they aren’t going to be like peers who encourage or are silent about dangerous/unhealthy behaviors. But that’s not a friend.

They’ll say that as parents they need to do the hard stuff, and can’t be the “fun” one all the time… the one you get together with to lightheardedly hang out, shoot the breeze, or share a meal. And while there’s nothing wrong with easy relationships with pals like that if you choose it, that’s not a true friend either. A true friend is there for the fun and the difficult. The lighthearted and the serious. The laughter and the tears.

They’ll say that “Sure, sometimes you get to be their friend, but sometimes you have to “be the parent.”” Or, “Sure, you get to be their friend, but being a parent has to come first.” But being a friend isn’t something you do part time; or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s not something you take on and off like a sweater. That trust, that connection, that relationship should always be there, every time, in all interactions.

Finally, some people will tell me, “I’ll be their friend when they’re adults. Right now, I’m the parent.” And this to me is the saddest – and riskiest – of all. This is blunt, but…. there is a very very real possibility that if you don’t choose that relationship with your children now, that they won’t choose to have it with you when they are older.

“But, but….” they’ll say, “You have to guide! You have to protect! You have to show them right and wrong!” Of course you do. Of course you’re the parent. I have never once advocated for permissive parenting on this blog, and certainly am not going to start now.

Being a friend, and being a gentle parent, does not mean being a doormat. It means a partnership born of mutual respect, connection, and compassion… one in which both voices are heard, and both opinions carry weight. And for those times when one opinion needs to trump the other? Maybe someone is about to do something dangerous or foolish such as run into the street when a car is coming. This is something I hear a LOT, both in this conversation, and the spanking conversation. (“But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” And as an aside, I have four children who learned not to play in traffic, who have never once been spanked) It’s a silly argument. If one of my children were in immediate danger, of course I would respectfully intervene…. and I would do so as a responsible parent AND as a concerned friend.

If you forget the articles, ignore the experts, and tune out the noise, you realize that parenting is about a relationship. And it’s been the most intense, most meaningful, most rewarding relationship I’ve ever experienced. I can’t separate the friend from the mom because my relationship with my kids is BASED on friendship. The ultimate friendship. Deep friendship. Strong trust. True respect. It’s a friendship rooted in love and history (how many of your other friends have you literally known since they took their first breath?). It’s a friendship that’s at once simple and complex. It’s a friendship that’s often evolving and sometimes messy and always beautiful. It’s a friendship that’s peaceful and safe and familiar. It’s a friendship that’s profound and life-changing and pretty much indescribable to those who haven’t experienced it.

And it is always there, threaded through each moment, each word, and each interaction. Through the good times and the tricky times and the really tricky times. I will always be their friend, and they know this.

I am their friend.

And I don’t mean to minimize the relationship when I say that, because of course my relationship with my children encompasses friendship and so. much. more. So I’m not suggesting that a parent-child relationship is only a friendship, because it’s obviously more complicated than that.

But I tell you what…. it’s a heck of a good place to start.

14 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting

October 16, 2014 · 9:34 AM

Book Review: Gentle Firmness by Stephanie Cox

It is clear that fear is the main effect of spanking, no matter how it is done. Believing that God wants children to be hit often leads many children to struggle with their relationships with God or to be so afraid of Him that they totally reject Him.

~ Stephanie Cox

Gentle Firmness, by Stephanie Cox, is one of the most important new books to join the gentle parenting movement, particularly for Christians. Thorough and well-researched, it takes an unflinching look at the history of spanking within the Christian faith; why the Bible doesn’t actually say what so many well-intentioned pro-spankers think it says; the harmful and often long-term effects of spanking; and finally, practical suggestions on what peaceful parents can do instead.

While there are thankfully a growing number of prominent Christians speaking out against spanking, this particular book stands out for a couple of reasons. Though it is woven with personal accounts, it is rooted in research, history, and details. The entire first section of the book clearly shows exactly how the practice of corporal punishment within the Christian faith comes from man, not from God. Cox gives detailed accounts of the influence of Jonathan and Susanna Wesley, and the beliefs of Calvinism, had on spanking. It goes on to illustrate the very real lifelong effects of this kind of parenting (I was happy to see that she thoroughly addressed the oft heard, “I was spanked as a child, and I’m fine!”)

One complaint that I often hear from pro-spankers is along the lines of, “Well that’s all well and good. But if you don’t spank, what do you do?” It’s easy for a spanking advocate to make the leap in thinking that says that if you don’t spank, then you must not discipline at all. That is of course not the case, and Cox spends Part Four of the book discussing exactly that. It’s important to note that she isn’t advocating for swapping spanking with other types of punishments such as time-out either. What she espouses is truly parenting in Jesus’s footsteps: parenting – and by extension, disciplining – with kindness, compassion, and grace. Lots and lots of grace.

I am utterly thankful for this book, and for Stephanie Cox and the important work that she is doing. My own personal knowledge of the history of spanking was spotty at best, and while I truly believed that the Bible did not advocate spanking, my responses to the contrary generally never got more in-depth than, “Jesus wouldn’t hit a child.” This book, and Stephanie’s research, fills in all those gaps. It provides the answers, it cites the research, it documents the history. It exposes all the misinformation, and puts Christians firmly (but gently :)) on the right track of truly following the Bible when it comes to matters of parenting.

The tagline reads, “Conveying the True Love of Jesus to Your Children Through His Example,” and that’s exactly what it does. This is truly a refreshing and encouraging book, one that should be on the bookshelves of churches and Christian parents everywhere.

You can follow Stephanie on the Gentle Firmness Facebook page here.

*I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.*

4 Comments

Filed under book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting

September 15, 2014 · 12:35 PM

Hitting is Hitting is Hitting

On March 27th, 2014, an NFL player named Ray Rice was indicted by a grand jury for third-degree aggravated assault on his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer. This past week, the website TMZ released footage of him punching Palmer, which led to the Baltimore Ravens terminating his contract.

Also this week: Adrian Peterson, another player with the NFL, was indicted for child abuse when his child’s mother noticed whipping injuries on their 4 year old son’s legs, and took him to a doctor who contacted the authorities. Peterson was benched by the Minnesota Vikings, but was reinstated three days later.

Like most people, I’m angry and saddened and frustrated by these stories of violence in the news. In this instance though, the disparity of the public’s reaction to these two similar cases has left me particularly cold. I would say I was shocked, but sadly I’m not. This is 2014, and children are still seen as second-class citizens.

While few are defending Rice – people overwhelmingly, and rightly, realize that it’s not okay to use physical violence against your partner – many are rising up to speak out in support of Peterson, who was just as violent, only against a small child.

“He should be able to discipline as he sees fit.”

“That’s just the way people are raised in the South”

“People need to butt out and let him parent however he wants.”

“I don’t get why he’s in legal trouble for disciplining his own kid.”

“Someone explain what Adrian Peterson did that was considered child abuse?”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. I got my ass whooped as a child, and I turned out fine.”

Let me be very, very clear when I say this: There is NO defense for what he did. There is no defense or justification or excuse for hitting a small child, ever. What he did was wrong. It pains me to have say it out loud, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It is wrong.

And to the people who are out there saying, “Yeah, he took it too far. There is a difference between spanking and beating. There’s nothing wrong with spanking/some kids need it/they have to learn, etc,” I humbly offer that you are indeed part of the problem.

Stop.

Stop making it a game of semantics. Stop pretending that it’s okay to hit children if you add certain qualifiers. Stop refusing to see spanking for what it is. Stop believing that children are lesser beings than other humans. Stop perpetuating the cycle of violence. Stop ignoring the fact that if you’re still advocating for hitting people smaller than you that you are not fine. Stop equating DISCIPLINE with PUNISHMENT. Stop defending people who hit their children, and start speaking out for the people who can’t speak out for themselves.

And to my fellow Christians? Stop using misinterpretations of the Bible as an excuse for hitting children. It’s an unending conversation, and I’m not having it anymore. I will no longer publish, acknowledge, or respond to any comments that claim the Bible commands us to spank. Read Jesus the Gentle Parent. Read Gentle Firmness. Read Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me (this one is a free download). Read the words of the people who have put in the time and the research and the study that shows that the Bible just doesn’t say what you think it says. Don’t let ignorance be an excuse.

As a Christian (and just as a caring human being), I believe that relationships should start from a place of love and respect. I believe this to be true of ALL relationships, but especially the relationship between parent and child. Hitting has no place in any loving relationship. Our children look up to us. They learn from us how to navigate the world. How to solve problems. How to get along with others. How to deal with conflict. Hitting our children, for any reason, raises them to be people who believe that hitting is a reasonable, acceptable way to interact with others. It raises them to be people who, unless they fight to break the cycle, will hit their own children.

It raises them to be individuals who defend people like Adrian Peterson.

Stop the justification and the word games and the Bible-verse-slinging. Spanking, swatting, switching, popping, tapping… paint it any color you’d like. It’s all hitting, and it’s all wrong.

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