Category Archives: bullying

April 22, 2016 · 2:34 PM

I’m Not The Meanest Mom

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I realized something recently. As adults, we like to hear stories of other adults performing some sort of kindness. We like the feel-good stories of people helping their fellow man, standing up to injustice, or showing love to a total stranger. It restores our faith in humanity. It makes us feel good, and it motivates us to be kinder ourselves. Kinder. Gentler. More compassionate. You know what we don’t see all that often? People sharing about the times they weren’t all that kind, or respectful, or compassionate. And sure, we’re human. We’ve all done it: We have a bad day, and we inadvertently and regrettably take it out on some poor nearby soul. But we don’t rush to share those days, because we recognize – both on an intellectual level and on a heart level – that it’s not exactly something to brag about.

But when it’s a parent being unkind towards a child? We* (as a society) not only tolerate this bad behavior, but we embrace it. We actually cheer it on.

When it comes to kids, we glorify violence. We celebrate cruelty.

So while we seem to have it right when it comes to adult on adult behavior, our collective treatment of our children is abhorrent, and getting more concerning by the day. Baby, we’ve got a long way to go.

I feel like it started with the laptop shooting dad, but it has multiplied at an alarming rate since then. This trend of publicly parenting through bullying, shame, and intimidation is everywhere. I feel like I can’t go a single day anymore without seeing another one. Parenting has become a contest, but a sick one. A contest not to find the sweetest mom, or the most competent mom, but the meanest mom. Everything is backwards. Meanness is exalted, spitefulness is praised. Parents boast about how mean they are to their kids, and instead of gently suggesting alternatives (or possibly better yet, denying them any attention at all), we put them on a pedestal. We feed this very cycle of unkindness. A quick perusal of the comment threads on any one of these public shamings tells us everything we need to know. Hundreds, and yes, thousands of positive comments, singing the praises of meanness, shouting their rallying accolades, and devouring anyone who dare stand up for the children.

How can we do this to these little ones, the most vulnerable members of our society? The people who need the most empathy and the most tender care, are being maligned, minimized and mistreated.

And we’re watching it happen.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t. I know we need to keep talking about it. I know we can’t quietly sit back and accept it.

But it starts at home. It starts with our own kids.

And listen, I’m the first one to admit I’m not a perfect mom. None of us are. I struggle sometimes with patience. I sometimes let sleep deprivation get the better of me and am unnecessarily short with my kids. I have to constantly remind myself to live in the moment. I have to constantly remind myself not to sweat the small stuff.

Yes, I apologize to my children often.

But the big difference between me and the “meanest mom” supporters is that I’m saddened by mean behavior (by or towards anyone), not buoyed by it. So no, I won’t pat you on the back for celebrating meanness. No, I won’t be offering any “Atta girl!”s or “Way to go!”s or “Good job, mom!”s. No, I won’t praise you for being unkind.

And I get it. My opinion is the unpopular one. The cool kids are all worshiping at the alter of childism. Well, I opt out. I don’t want to be a part of your club. I don’t stand in solidarity with anyone who rallies around the idea of mistreating children. I don’t care how loud your voices are. I don’t care how many members you have. I don’t care how good your cookies are.

I Opt Out.

In my life, in my world, I will celebrate kindness. I will cheer for compassion. I will stand up for grace, and forgiveness, and gentle communication.

Children learn from our actions. Throwing away a child’s ice cream (because in his childlike excitement he forgot to say “thank you”) doesn’t teach him to say thank you, it doesn’t teach him what it means to be polite, and it doesn’t teach him gratitude. It teaches him that if someone doesn’t behave in the way we want, that it’s okay to bully them, and that it’s okay to take someone else’s things.

Children learn from our actions. Spanking a child for misbehaving doesn’t teach him right from wrong. It teaches him that “might makes right”, that pain and fear are effective motivators, and that it’s okay to use physical force on someone who’s younger and more vulnerable than you.

Children learn from our actions. Sending a child to time out when he’s having a hard time doesn’t teach him to think about his actions. It teaches him that mom is going to isolate him from her attention, her love, and her touch, at the very moment when he is needing them the most.

Children learn from our actions. Publicly shaming a child a for making a mistake doesn’t teach him not to do it again. It teaches him, again, to use bullying to solve his problems. It teaches him that he can’t trust the one person he should be able to trust the most. It teaches him to feel worthless, and ashamed, and humiliated… making him even MORE likely to repeat the behavior in the future.

Children learn from our actions. Punishing a child (as opposed to kindly communicating, listening, and guiding) does not teach him respect. Or responsibility. Or accountability. It teaches him to be bitter. To be angry. To be spiteful. It teaches him to be extrinsically motivated by the fear of mom’s negative repercussions, rather than intrinsically and positively motivated by his own internal sense of right and wrong.

If you want to raise kids that are polite, respectful, and kind, start by being polite, respectful, and kind to your kids.

It starts with you. It starts with us.

Let’s stop glorifying bullies, and start treating our kids the way we’d like to be treated ourselves.

Kids are people too.

#NotTheMeanestMom

31 Comments

Filed under bullying, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, mindful parenting, parenting

March 30, 2016 · 1:17 PM

When Your Kid’s a Bully: Why Bullying The Bully Is Never The Answer

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There’s a new post going around Facebook, in which a mom outlines the response she had when she learned of her daughter participating in the bullying of another student.

Mom must have been devastated. Let me just start there. As a parent, it’s incredibly hurtful to know that your child was the cause of someone else’s pain. I feel for this mom. But her reaction, while no doubt well-intentioned, was… misguided, at best, and will only serve to contribute to the cycle of bullying.

Here’s what the mom shared, what kind of effect it’s likely going to have on her daughter, and what I would have done differently:

The first thing she did was “pull(ed) over in the middle of the street and whoop(ed) that ass.” Next, she walked her into school, and forced her to apologize to the girl she’d bullied. Then, she made sure she was kept inside from recess, where she had to write a letter of apology to the girl’s mother. Finally, she shared the whole story online, so I’m assuming others could “learn” from it. In short, she 1) used physical violence to solve a problem, 2) shamed her daughter in front of her friends/classmates, and 3) shamed her daughter online. If any of those three things were done by another child, we’d all recognize it for what it is: bullying. Why do we have such a hard time recognizing it in adults? And why, when there are so many other options available, do we not only accept said behavior coming from a parent, but we praise it? This mom is now being lauded as mom of the year.

Incidents like this one (and indeed, it’s unfortunately not unique) shine a light on the ever-present hypocrisy of mainstream parenting. Your kid physically hurt someone? Physically hurt them back. Your kid shamed someone? Shame them back. Your kid humiliated someone? Humiliate them back. In as simple of terms as I can put it: This does not discourage bullying behavior. It enforces it. The saddest part of this is that the mom realizes that the key to stopping bullying begins with us as parents… but ironically fails to see how she’s contributing. She ends her post with this:

Parents teach your kids that bullying is not okay!!!
Kids are committing suicide these days!!!
I WILL NOT RAISE BULLIES AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!!
IT STARTS WITH US…. LETS BE AWARE!!!

She and I agree on these points to be sure. Kids do need to learn that bullying is not okay. The suicide rates are staggering and alarming. It does start with us. But you cannot bully a kid into not being a bully. It doesn’t work that way. Bullying your child erodes your relationship, breaks your trust (at a time when they need it more than ever), and overtly teaches them that bullying is okay. Your children learn far more from how you treat them then they could ever learn from your words. Physical punishment, forced insincere apologies, and public humiliation cause more disconnect, more resentment, and more self-esteem issues…. issues that will no doubt surface later in a possible myriad of ways, one of which being: yup, bullying! Hurt people hurt people.

As parents, we have a choice. We can take all our own issues, and baggage, and hurts out on our own kids, and effectively continue the same negative pattern. OR, we can be the grownups, do the work we need to do, and treat our children how we’d like to be treated. The cycle can be broken.

And I know what many of you are thinking: Well that’s all well and good in theory, but WHAT DO I DO if my child is bullying someone?

It’s a fair question, but it’s unfortunately not one I can answer definitively for anyone else. There are no surefire prescribed steps to curb bullying. Kids are different, relationships are different, circumstances are different. If it were my kid though? This is where I’d start:

1) Find out why it’s happening. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Is someone bullying them? A classmate, a teacher, a sibling, a parent? Are they feeling unheard? Anxious? Stressed out? Feeling poorly about themselves? Is it peer pressure? Is something going on at home, or in their lives in general? You cannot even begin to help them until you understand why it’s happening.

2) Listen. Keep an open, safe, line of communication between yourself and your child. Hint: One of the best ways to halt healthy communication is to come out of the gate with harsh words and punishment. If your child is hurting someone else, chances are he’s hurting too. Let him tell you about it. Be his soft place to fall.

3) Talk about how the other person must feel, help your child understand empathy, but don’t force apologies. You can’t make your child feel sorry until/unless he IS, and forcing the issue is going to cause even more resentment (possibly towards you, and possibly toward the one to whom he’s delivering the apology) An insincere apology is just empty words. If my child was unkind to someone else, *I* would be sure to apologize – because I would absolutely be sorry – to both the child and the parent. I would tell them I was sorry, and let them know that I wasn’t going to ignore the situation.

4) Model appropriate relationships and kind behavior. I will say it again. Your kids learn far more from your behavior than from any words you could ever say. Show them what kindness looks like. Show them what friendship looks like. Show them what respect looks like. Don’t make fun of others. Say you’re sorry when it’s warranted. Treat people (including your own children!) the way you’d like to be treated.

5) Connect. Above almost all else, a child who is bullying someone else is needing a healthy connection. Be that person for your child. Be the person that your child trusts with his big scary feelings. Be the person your child can count on, unconditionally, no matter what. Be the port in your child’s storm. Nurture your relationship. Make it a priority. Make your child a priority.

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A child who is acting out with unkindness towards someone else already has some pretty big upheaval going on. He NEEDS you to stay calm, he needs you to help him problem solve, he needs you to talk to him, to listen to him, to love him. He does NOT need to be shamed, or humiliated, or physically harmed. Most of us recognize that that wasn’t the right course of action for the daughter in this story…. so why on earth would it be the right course of action for a parent?

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1 Comment

Filed under bullying, gentle parenting, parenting

December 7, 2011 · 8:01 AM

To the old man at the store

Note: This letter is hypothetical. The incident it describes is not. This happened two days ago.

Dear Sad Old Man at the Grocery Store,

You don’t know me, but we both shopped at the same grocery store the other night.   I’m sure you didn’t notice me, as your attention was clearly elsewhere, but I couldn’t help but notice you. It’s difficult not to notice someone who’s so being so unhappy and hateful… but I guess I should go back to the beginning.

I was sort of unhappy myself that night, grumbling to myself about rising prices and lack of selection. It wasn’t my normal grocery store, the trip was taking twice as long as it should have, and I was tired and just wanted to go home. I was searching for the organic half and half when I first noticed the young couple next to me. They were holding hands and laughing over what I can only assume was the kind of inside joke that only couples share.   They were sweet and affectionate with each other, and very clearly in love. They reminded me of my husband and I’s early days together, the days we like to joke that were “back when we loved each other.”   They made me smile.

The fact that they were a gay couple was irrelevant.

I was right behind them, pushing my overfilled cart with the wobbly wheel as we left the dairy section. We rounded the corner of the aisle to head to the registers, and that’s when I saw you coming towards us.   You didn’t look at me, didn’t even glance my way, so fixated you were on the couple in front of me.   You had a look of disgust on your face, and at first I told myself that it wasn’t what it appeared.   But then, as you passed, you looked them up and down, shook your head, and made an audible sound of revulsion.

I was mortified, heartbroken for these two strangers who’d done nothing but come to the store to pick up a few things for dinner.   I don’t care if you disagree with their lifestyle. I don’t care if you think it’s wrong. I don’t care if you don’t like it. There’s a certain way of treating people, and That’s. Not. It.

I immediately felt sad for them, this young couple that I didn’t even know. What had they ever done to you to earn such a reaction? But the more I thought about it, the more sadness I felt for you. I wondered what had happened in your life for you to carry so much hatred and prejudice. I wondered if your reaction would have been the same if your son or your brother or your best friend announced he were gay. I wondered if you’d ever had anyone in your life who’d loved you unconditionally…. someone who stood beside you, and held your hand, and told you they would always, always have your back.

I felt sorry for the small way you were living your life, and I felt sad for your lost possibilities, your missed friendships, and your true potential for a full and rich and joyful existence.

You are hurting yourself, in ways I can’t even describe, and it doesn’t have to happen. I wish love for you, and healing… from whatever it is that is making you be so hurtful to others.

And finally, I’d like to thank you. In many ways it’s people like you who make me want to try harder. To be better. To be kinder. To be more accepting. To not give up. It’s people like you who remind me why I’m raising my kids the way that I am. Kids that know how to treat people. Kids that know how to love. Kids that know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that people – gay, straight, black, white – are all deserving of compassion and kindness.

And you know what? That couple? They were still happy when they walked out of that store.   You didn’t break them.   And you … you were still an angry, sad old man, whose actions only made you even sadder.

18 Comments

Filed under acceptance, bullying, life

September 23, 2011 · 9:43 AM

To the bullies

(photo by trixer)

Yesterday, I read about another teenage suicide… a gay 14-year-old student named Jamey Rodemeyer who was bullied and tormented so relentlessly with homophobia and hate that he felt that taking his life was his only option.

I want the parents of this child, and others who have tragically taken their lives under these circumstances, to know that you have my deepest and sincerest sympathies. My heart breaks for anyone who endures the pain of that kind of loss.

I want the parents of other bullied children to know that this is real. This is serious. Never stop fighting for your child, and never stop thinking that you have more options to keep him safe.

I want the children who are victims of bullying to know that they are loved. I want them to know that there are people who care; people who would give their life for their happiness. I want them to know that they ARE NOT defined by the hateful words and actions of their tormenters.

And to the ones doing the bullying:

I don’t believe you are evil. I don’t believe you really want this other child to die. I know that you are scared, and insecure, and in pain yourself, and that the only way you know to make yourself feel better is to try to inflict pain on someone else. It doesn’t work. So you do it again and again and again, hoping that eventually your heart will match your carefully cultivated exterior. That you’ll feel strong. That you’ll feel tough. That you’ll feel superior. And hey, in that moment, maybe you will. But it’s a lie, and it won’t last.

There’s a scene in the movie The Breakfast Club, where Emilio Estevez’s character – a popular ‘jock’ – is talking about the offense that landed him in detention. He’d bullied and physically assaulted another student in the locker room. It was supposed to be a “comical” assault, and at first the description was played for laughs. But as he talked about the incident, and his reasons for it, his own hurt and guilt began to surface. He talked with regret about the kid’s humiliation. He talked about how his parents must have felt when they heard. He talked about remorse. Now, because it’s a movie (and a John Hughes movie at that) it was all neatly tied up by the end. He’d seen the error of his ways, had a new found love in the girl who ate Captain Crunch and Swizzle Stick sandwiches, and went about his day, never to bully again. Life’s not a movie. I get that. But there’s a fundamental truth in this story.

You might not be racked with contrition immediately, but eventually you will. And that sincere feeling of remorse is more gut-wrenching than anything you could ever inflict on someone else.

And here’s what The Breakfast Club doesn’t tell you:

It doesn’t tell you that when you are grown and have children of your own, that seeing your own children hurt in any way will be a bigger pain than any you’ve ever experienced. That you’ll see your children hurt and would do anything to take away that pain. That you’ll see your children hurt and you’ll realize, either little by little or all at once, that that child you bullied in grade school was somebody’s kid too. And you’ll feel sick about it.

It doesn’t tell you that one day you’ll be 37, and while you’ll still remember having been bullied at 13, what you’ll REALLY remember, what you’ll still feel as an indelible scar on your soul are those times when you were the bully. Those times when you went along with your friends even though you felt bad about it. Those times when you could have stood up for what was right and you didn’t. You’ll still see the face of the sweet sweet kid from 24 years ago. A kid who didn’t deserve to be treated unkindly, whose only crime was not being part of the “cool” crowd. You’ll see his face and you’ll think of your own son, or your own daughter, and you will feel a shame that will take your breath away.

There are no do-overs when it comes to bullying. You can’t take back those words, and you can’t take back those actions. In the case of Jamey Rodemeyer, and others like him, you can’t take back that life.

But you can stop bullying. Today. Right now. If you can’t yet do it for the people around you, do it for yourself….. your present self and your future self.

10 Comments

Filed under bullying, hot topics

May 3, 2011 · 9:55 AM

My Sheltered Children

Shelter – (v) To place under cover. To protect.

Several weeks ago, I posted a call for people to share the most common myths and misconceptions they hear about homeschooling. That pesky lack of socialization was of course the first thing mentioned, but the list eventually grew. One thing that was offered was the objection that home schooled kids are “too sheltered” and it’s one I forgot about until I saw it in my drafts folder this morning.

Too sheltered.

First, I’d like to point out that strictly per the definition up above, we should want to shelter our children. As parents, it’s our job to shelter our children. There are a myriad of circumstances in which we need to protect them, keep them safe, and place them under cover.

But I’m aware that that’s not what people mean when they raise this objection… they mean overly protected, and overly sheltered. They mean kids who are raised in one tiny little sealed bubble, kids who are not able to venture out of said bubble, and kids who are missing out on the big wide world.

Now, I can’t pretend to know why everyone chooses to homeschool. But I do know, with absolute certainly, that my decision to keep them out of school was based on the exact opposite premise of wanting to make their world smaller.

I keep my kids out of school in part because I want to make their lives bigger, not smaller. I keep them out of school because I want to give them more freedom, not less. Freedom to explore, and learn from, the whole world. Freedom to choose who they do – and do not – spend their days with. Freedom to discover where, when, and how they learn best. Freedom to talk with us about what they do and do not want to be exposed to. I try to never make knee-jerk, unilateral decisions (ie: no, you can’t watch that movie because it’s rated R) but rather let each individual child be my guide. It hasn’t failed me yet. When my children are interested in specific ideas, plans, and experiences, we try to find a way to make it happen.

But surely, they’re sheltered from something by not being in school? Well, yes. They’re sheltered from the painful dread that comes with having to go to school every day when you’re being bullied, or teased by your “friends”, or unfairly singled out by a teacher. They’re sheltered from being required to sit through a class, or a semester, or an entire year of teachings that are not applicable to them, or are not in line with their own personal value system. They’re sheltered from spending all day, every day, in an environment that might not be best for them, in a multitude of ways. They’re sheltered from not being able to have any say in the people, places, and things from which they learn.

I surely make no apologies for sheltering them from any of the above.

Interestingly, when I went to dictionary.com for the above definition, I saw this sentence as an example of its usage:

Parents should not try to shelter their children from normal childhood disappointments.

This is something I see a lot. Similarly, I hear a lot of people say that kids need to go to school because they need to learn to deal with things like bullies.

Am I the only one who finds this an odd – and sad – justification against home schooling? First, I’m not really sure what “normal” childhood disappointments are, but life provides plenty of those on its own. Life’s sometimes bumpy. While I would love to be able to protect my children from all of life’s disappointments, I can not. Home schooled or not, sheltered or not, they know disappointment. It seems completely illogical (not to mention cruel) to actually make a point of ensuring that they experience their fair share, and ensuring that they experience more than what life will naturally give them.

As to bullies… Bullying is no joke, especially in this day and age of the internet, cell phones, and Facebook. I remember the pain of being bullied well, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like today. My being humiliated in front of a group of five girls, or even the whole lunchroom, is surely nothing compared to being humiliated in front of the whole school. Or a group of schools. Or an entire internet community. All it takes these days is one click of a “send” button. Bullying is a real and serious problem, one that’s contributing to the loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence, and loss of LIFE. Bullying is breaking children, all over the country, and in no way could I ever be convinced that that could be a good thing, or a necessary thing, or a rite of passage.

My kids have been disappointed, and my kids have encountered bullies: On the playground, at homeschool groups, in baseball, at Cub Scouts, on field trips. And they’ve handled themselves just fine, without ever having been subjected to the day in/day out torture that some children have to endure.

They are confident, and they are self-assured… despite their lifetime of being sheltered.