I recently started being more vocal about this boundary to see if it would change anything. One of my favorite TikTokers likes to say, “I am not accepting comments on xyz.” And then she follows through. When I post something on Facebook that I think will garner unsolicited advice, I will preface by saying something along the lines of “I’m not looking for advice”, or “thank you for not giving advice.” And it helps … somewhat. I find that I get a lot more supportive comments, and a lot less advice. Though there are still plenty that ignore my ask and give advice anyway, I keep my feed (and my mental health) intact by simply deleting. There was a time I would have AGONIZED over this. Agonized over the comment, agonized over how to respond to it, agonized over deleting it. But now I just delete and moved on. For one thing, they came into my virtual living room and literally did something I asked them not do, and for another I have the right – the responsibility even – to protect my space and my sanity by getting rid of things that don’t serve me.

And listen. I get it. 90% of the people who are offering their advice are probably coming from a very good place. They genuinely want to help. But is it really helping anyone if the person doesn’t WANT your help? Hint: It’s not.

I very rarely ask for advice. Very rarely. And when I do, I will say the actual words: “Can I get your advice?” And if I do ask for your advice, it means I trust you completely, something that I don’t do easily. Ironically, the last time I asked someone for advice, my problem was so befuddling that she literally had no advice to give. But she knows I’m open to it, and I know she’ll come back to me if inspiration strikes.

I think it would go a long way in our interactions with others if we simply asked what others needed. “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” I would appreciate the hell out of someone who asked me that. I would feel honored, and respected, and HEARD.

It seems like it’s very accepted in our society to give unsolicited advice. People want to help, and they want to fix. They so desperately want to fix. But what if it wasn’t the norm? What if we did something different? What if, when faced with a friend or coworker or loved one with a problem, we just…. listened? We let them know we were there? We let them know they were not alone? We let them know they could tell us if there was a way we could help?

And then we just stopped talking.