I heard two “I’m sorry”s before 7 A.M. today. The first was when Mike was saying goodbye to me just after six. I told him that the terrible headache I’d had for the past three days still hadn’t gone away. He hadn’t caused the headache, but he said he was sorry to express his empathy over the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. About half an hour later, Tegan rolled over in bed, and the back of her head collided with my face. It had of course been an accident, but I instinctively yelped when my tooth met my lip. Realizing I was hurt, she too said she was sorry.
A couple of nights ago, Paxton was in our room talking with us, and Spencer had thought he’d gone to bed. Trying to be helpful, he shut down the PS3 (on which Paxton had a game paused), and turned off the TV. When Paxton came back out, he realized that the progress that he’d been working on for the past hour and a half had been lost, and was understandably upset. Spencer felt terribly about the mistake, and sincerely apologized.
I myself have given dozens of “sorry”s over the past several days… from the small (bumping into Spencer in the kitchen) to the significant (expressing condolences to a high school friend whose husband recently passed from cancer).
I tell my kids I’m sorry when I’ve been less than patient. I tell my husband I’m sorry when I’ve spoken unkindly.
Yes, “I’m sorry” are two very commonly spoken words in this house, as I imagine they are in most houses. Kids pick up on them – and their meaning – as well as any other words. So I honestly wonder:
Why do parents think they need to make their children say they’re sorry? Perhaps more importantly, what exactly do they think that forcing an apology is going to accomplish? Just like respect, being sorry is a feeling. You cannot make someone feel something. You could make your child SAY they are sorry, but if they’re not feeling particularly sorry, what have you delivered, beyond insincere words? I don’t want my kids to deliver insincere apologies, and I certainly don’t want to be the one coaching them to do so.
Children learn how to treat people from their parents. If they have parents that say please and thank you, then they will say please and thank you. If they have parents who say sorry, then they will say sorry. They will learn social intricacies like they learn everything else, as they experience them. If they are around people who care about them, and care about others, they will learn. No coercion necessary. They are human. They will screw up, they will make mistakes, they will unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings…. and when they do, they will know, without even having to stop to think about it, that they should apologize. It’s what human beings do. And what if they say or do something in anger, and just don’t really feel sorry yet?
Let’s be honest for a minute.
Adults do this all the time. We’ll have words with someone, or a confrontation, or a conflict. Maybe someone has done something really hurtful, and maybe we responded in a way that we’re not particularly proud of. Deep down, we know that “I’m sorry” would be an appropriate way to follow up, but we’re just not ready to say it. Or maybe we’re so angry or hurt that we don’t even feel it. So we take a day, or twelve days, or a month, until we’re able to honestly say, “You know what? I didn’t handle that well, and I’m really sorry.” The difference is, as adults, we don’t generally have someone standing over us saying, “Jennifer! You go apologize to her right now!”
I don’t make my kids apologize. They’re in charge of their own apologies. And if I’m at a playground, and one of them does something that hurts or offends another child, and for whatever reason they don’t apologize, then I will say that I’m sorry that whoever-it-was did whatever-they-did. Because I’ll mean it. But to be completely honest, I can’t remember the last time I’ve had to do it. Ninety nine times out of a hundred if an apology is warranted, then they will give it of their own accord. And just like Tegan when she realized she’d given me a fat lip, they’ll mean it.
I totally get where you are coming from here but I’m going to be the devil’s advocate for a second. I have two very shy girls that would never offer I’m sorry, please or thank you if hadn’t taken the lead and pointed out when it was expected to do so. My nine year old now will say those things when she feels it. When she was younger she would feel it but not say it. I reminded her hundreds of times to say it. When she would come home from a party I would ask “did you say thank you?” A dozen of times I got “no I was too shy”. I kept on her until she understood that I expected it. My four year old is still working on it. However, like you, I will offer a sorry when my kids accidentally bump into someone (or something similar) and are not sorry at all.
Still loving your viewpoints, keep up the good work!
And more on sorry- I am a public school teacher (I’m a good one I swear!) In my classroom I teach the situations when one should say I’m sorry. I don’t force it, but I do encourage and make a big deal out of how saying sorry can smooth over most situations. Usually at the end of the year a conflict in my classroom sounds like this
child 1″he hit me!”
child 2 “but he said I couldn’t go first!”
Me: “Hold on let’s take turns, child 1 what happened?” Child 1 explains
“Child 2 what happened?” Child 2 explains
Me: “Do we want to be friends and keep playing or do we want to go our separate ways?”
Children: “keep playing”
Me: “So what are going to do now?”
Child 1: “I’m sorry for making you mad. Let’s take turns.”
Child 2: “I’m sorry for hitting, next time I’ll try and talk to you. Are you OK?”
Child 1: “Yeah”
Me: “Is everyone OK?”
Children: “Yes.”
Me: “Then go play!”
This is what happens 9 times out of 10. When the child says they are not OK, they usually stay back with me until they get over their anger out or talk it out with me. Sometimes they just need time before they feel sorry. If I wouldn’t teach them this, they wouldn’t see it modeled enough.
This is way different then me telling them to “tell him/her you’re sorry!”
I do something very similar with my kids when they have some kind of altercation. 🙂 As you said, 9 times out of 10, letting them both be heard and talking it out solves the problem. And if not, they’re still back to playing together again after a bit of a breather!
Thanks for posting! Great, concise thoughts on the topic. I may have written the eact same like: “No coercion necessary in my book: What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children. I’d love to send you a review copy if you’re interested! Best, Sarah
Thanks! Would love to read a copy of your book!
My baby is just 10 month old but if by chance I raise my voice, I say ‘sorry’. Kids are just our own mirror image. If we shout, they shou. If we show the way to express regret on some behaviour, they would learn that too.
Yes, exactly!
My approach was very similar, I’d model the appropriate behaviour and say ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’ and all that needed to be said on behalf of my children. because I meant it and also because when they were younger there was no way they’d speak to a stranger or anyone they didn’t know well. There was simply no point pushing them and making a scene out of it. Until one day we were getting off a bus and they turned around and said ‘Thank you’ to the bus driver… And they made their own apologies next time an apology was needed.